Stormy

It never ceases to amaze me how God continually speaks to us through scripture, with the message always being pertinent to our lives. I will never believe it is coincidence, as it happens too often ..... like on Sunday. His words quieted the storm.

On Friday we were able to go to the 6:30 AM Mass on the Feast of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. As explained in my prayer book, the Sacred Heart of Jesus denotes the entire mystery of Christ, the totatlity of His being and His person. It is quite rightly considered the chief sign and symbol of that love with which the divine Redeemer continually loves the eternal Father and all human beings without exception. In the reading that day, St. Paul writes "For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that he may grant you in accord with the riches of his glory to be strengthened with the power through his
Spirit in the inner self, and that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, rooted and grounded in love may have strength to comprehend with all the holy ones what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." I prayed again that my heart would be the heart of Jesus in everything. From the nine day novena to the Sacred Heart comes the prayer, " Heart of Jesus, I give You my heart. I consecrate my entire life to You and I place in Your hands the eternal disposition of my soul. I ask You for the special grace of uniting myself with Your will so that I might be worthy of receiving Your promises and one day come to share with You the joy of heaven. Amen" And so began our day.


Jon was able to get the nurse to call us back and give us the results from the latest CT scan. She said that it showed the ventricles were smaller and the air was being absorbed. She also said there was no air showing in the shunt tubing, creating an air pocket. I was so relieved to hear this and it seemed to agree with how Paul was doing in the prior days. He had some really good days last week. But then on Friday, James called about noon and said he had not been able to get Paul up for a walk or lunch or shower. Paul was adamantly not getting up. I told him I would be home soon for lunch and would help him. When I got home, Paul's face told me everything. He was in a lot of pain. I got him to eat and got him medication to help ease the pain. By the time I left he was able to get up and go on a short walk with James. He was not able to do anything else. Saturday was much like Friday. We debated about whether to take him to the ER, but decided that it is always such a futile effort, with too much strain on Paul. We got him to walk a couple of times, but that was it. He ate fairly well, but that was the only thing positive. I felt very 'Stormy' inside, wondering what to do for him and wishing we had a doctor who responded better to Paul's needs. If we went to the ER, it would just be another complete stranger we would have to tell the story to, and then be given an inadequate response. Besides, we had been told that the neurosurgeon had been out of town, so the probability of his ever knowing we were in the ER was slim. He has never been called before when we were there. That is the main problem with working with Emory. We see a different resident doctor everytime and when we call the office, we only get to speak to the nurse. We have yet been able to see the doctor who did the last surgery. Jon did make an appointment to see him this week. We really need to work on getting someone to agree to do the cisternagram to rule out possible CSF (brain fluid) leakage.

On Sunday, Paul did go to Mass, but he had to sit through most of it. He was acting like he was in a fog. I was churning inside as I mulled over what we needed to do for him. I looked at the tabernacle and said to Jesus, "here he is, I bring him before You, please help him." I was trying so hard to control the flood of tears that filled my eyes as I pleaded. Then came the gospel reading.
Mark 4:35-41
On that day, as evening drew on, Jesus said to his disciples: "Let us cross to the other side." Leaving the crowd, they took Jesus with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him. A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat, so that it was already filling up. Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, "Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?" He woke up, rebuked the wind and said to the sea, "Quiet! Be still!" The wind ceased and there was great calm. Then he asked them, "Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?" They were filled with great awe and said to one another, "Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?" Fr. Paddy's homily was a great reminder that we have to be 'still' so that we can hear the voice of Jesus. With all the questions about what we should do next for Paul, churning around like a storm in my head, I needed to find time to be still and listen. When we got home, we got Paul all settled and comfortable and then I went out to my rose garden and pulled weeds. The soft smell of the flowers and the sounds of the birds quieted my mind. I prayed to Blessed Mary, and asked her to help guide me with her motherly hand, and to pray for me that I would have a more perfect love of her son, Jesus. The garden was reflective of my state of mind...............full of weeds, which distracted ones eyes away from the beauty of the garden. Once cleared, the roses and other flowers were the main focus. While I had worked in the hot sun, clearing the weeds and my mind, I found myself dwelling on something I had read. Blessed Ammonas (he died in 369, was a bishop and follower of St. Anthony of Egypt) wrote the article.

How to Still the Storm
I, your father, have endured temptations both openly and in secret; I proved strong in waiting and prayer, and my Lord has set me free. Now it is your turn, dearly beloved. You have experienced God's blessing and now you must experience temptations too, until you have surmounted them. Then you will grow in stature; your dignity will increase and great joy will be given to you from heaven, a joy beyond your understanding.
What does it mean to surmount temptations, and what is the cure for them? The answer is this: you must never grow weary but pray to God with your whole heart, praising Him and being patient in all circumstances.
The Holy Spirit deals thus with those that seek him and fear God, withdrawing to a distance and leaving them to themselves until he knows whether they will seek him or not. There are some people who after he has abondoned them and gone away, sit down overwhelmed by disgust, and remain immovably fixed in it. They do not pray to God, asking him to remove the disgust from them and cause the joy and sweetness they knew earlier to return, but through carelessness and self-will they become strangers to God's sweetness. Their eyes are blinded and they fail to understand what God is doing.
If, however, they become aware of this disgust, so unaccustomed and alien to their former joy, they ought to pray to God with tears and fasting. Then He of His graciousness, seeing their heartfelt sincerity and knowing that they are praying to Him with all their hearts and entirely renoucing their own will, would give them joy greater than they had before and make them even stronger. This is a sign of God's work in any soul that seeks Him.
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In the quiet of the garden, I heard His words. Be still. Pray and fast. I need to meet God where He is, renounce my own will. I had begged God to just 'give us the miracle' of an instant healing of Paul's pain all last week. It added to the storm in my mind, as I tried to bargain with God and 'will' it to happen. While that would be an easy answer for Paul and the family, it obviously is not God's answer. His work is still being done in us and I guess there are more 'weeds' that have to be pulled up in my soul's garden. He is asking that we keep "praising him and being patient in all circumstances."

Paul is supposed to start rehab today at Emory. He is still in a lot of pain, but we are going to take him there. If for nothing else, I need them to see how much pain he is in and hopefully can get someone to listen to us. I would like to make sure that he does not have a problem with the shunt. Paul told me last night that the area around his shunt felt bigger. He would be the one who would know that best, since he always rests his forehead in his hands as he lays in bed. One more day we will walk forward and will place our trust in God's love and that of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

" Jesus, we offer You all our prayers and actions, joys and sufferings of this day, through the intercession of the Immaculate Heart of Mary."

Love,
Jon and Rebecca