Helplessly Hoping

After speaking to the doctor on Friday afternoon, I was left with the most helpless feeling. He said he had no idea why Paul was running a fever and we should maybe try to get him up and walking around as much as possible, as the lungs might be the problem. The general anesthesia might have affected the lungs and if Paul was taking shallow breaths, he would develop pneumonia. Getting him up and moving would help alleviate that problem. That was not the only problem I was concerned with following this shunt replacement. Paul has basically stopped talking except when asked direct questions. He will nod or point or use sign language to answer and we have to tell him to respond in words. He has not been eating food and is back to food being given through the feeding tube. His head hurts so bad he doesn't want to chew or put out any effort to eat. Another concern is that we have to make sure he is taken to the restroom as he doesn't get up on his own ever since this last surgery. That was never a problem after any of the other surgeries. He is still aware of his surroundings, but for the first time in a long time, he did not know what day it was. He has to think for a longer period of time before he can answer other basic questions. When I mentioned all this to the doctor he said he has no idea why any of this has happened. He said we would just wait for some time and see what develops. I was most uncomfortable with this response since we were still dealing with a fever and no reason, along with the pressure in Paul's head affecting his ability to function to a much lesser degree. If the doctor who performed the surgery could not answer these questions or address complications after the very work he had done...........who could? I was numb with fatigue and overwhelmed with the unknown of our predicament.

I received a call from our friend whose son also suffered a brain injury almost 2 years ago. She understood our frustration and said she has gone through so much of the same problems in finding someone who was actually able to solve some of their more difficult issues that developed as a result of the brain injury. Her son's problems are different than Paul's but she was able to truly empathize and it helped to share what we were going through. She said that she was going to call Monsignor Reynolds. He had prayed over her son and she truly believed it helped with her son's healing. There is a bit of a connection with Monsignor Reynolds and our family. He was at the same hospital as my dad and both had cancer. We knew my dad was going to die in the days ahead and our whole family was gathered at the hospital on Good Friday 2002. I was standing out in the waiting room and saw Archbishop Donahue walk to the elevators. I immediately thought of asking him to come bless my dad. He graciously came to the room and with all of the family standing around my dad's bed, he blessed him and reassured my dad that he would be praying for him by name at the 3:00 service that afternoon. He told us he was at the hospital to see Monsignor Reynolds, who also was in critical condition with cancer. I assumed that Monsignor Reynolds would also die from cancer. I learned that he was healed and that he now has the gift of healing. I was relieved to know that Dee would call him and ask if he would pray over Paul.

After talking to Dee, I felt some renewal in spirit and remembered we had not said the family rosary, so gathered everyone in Paul's room and we said the rosary. It was during that time that we received a return call from Monsignor Reynolds! It was after 10 PM when we finished, so I returned the call Saturday morning. The arrangements were made to meet at St. Brigid's after he finished with the 9:00 AM Mass. Later in the day I realized what day Sunday was. It was the 7th month anniversary of Paul's accident - 6/11. It was also the Feast of Most Holy Trinity. It was also the day that I was scheduled to be in adoration at 4 PM. I was really looking forward to the quiet of that hour! I had peace just thinking about what Sunday would bring.

While everyone went to the 8:30 Mass, I got Paul ready at a slow pace. He was still running a fever. I decided that he would be running a fever while in bed or riding in the car and I felt the best medicine would be for him to be prayed over. I have to interject something here. Paul has not been talking and can hardly get up to go to the bathroom. There is one constant with him. He speaks when he prays during the night when the pain is too intense. He quietly prays for help, then says that he loves God and will wait. This is what wakes me each night. I know that it must be time for medication. It has amazed me that Paul will speak out loud when praying and that he continues with such patience and endurance. I am crumbling and it is he who is bearing the pain. I hear his prayers and it renews in me the ability to persevere. Also, on Sunday morning I told Jon to let Paul sleep for awhile longer and I would go to a later Mass. I knew Paul didn't have the energy to go to Mass (not with a fever) and go out to St. Brigid's, which is about 45 minutes away. Paul must have woken and realized everyone was getting ready for Mass. I was in my room and heard James say something to Paul about finding slacks for Paul to wear. When I came into the room, Paul was standing at his closet and I asked what he was doing. He said he needed to find his clothes for church. I asked him if he felt he could make it and he turned around and said, " Actually, I need to lay down quickly." I reassured him that his dad would bring him Communion and it would be better if he stayed home. He doesn't get up to eat or use the restroom, but did get up in his effort to go to church. It is when I think about these things specifically that I cry easily. The simple beauty of his faith touchs my heart so deeply. I have learned so much from my son and I thank God for all that has been shown through Paul.

As we drove to St. Brigid's we prayed the rosary for Paul and for Monsignor Reynolds. We were very pleased to meet Monsignor and he was so welcoming. He took time to learn what Paul had been through and then prayed for Paul's healing and our discernment as we looked for guidance in finding those who could solve the problems we were encountering. He shared his story of recovery and said he has full faith Paul will recover from this. He told us that we needed to have full faith in this also. He believes strongly that faith brings such beneficial healing. He said that a doctor told him that in his practice, he has found that those who have a faith and the support of prayerful family and friends, recover more often. Of course...........we already knew that one!!!! Smile. It is why we stay the course. Sunday morning, I lit for the first time, a candle that has the word HOPE on it, as we prayed before giving Paul Communion. Then I read today's readings. When I read " See, the eyes of the Lord are upon those who fear him, upon those who hope for his kindness" I smiled........ Keep the HOPE alive. While we are tired and worn down somewhat, our hope is alive and the Light of Christ is leading us.

James and I went to Adoration together and I found the peace I needed. I rememberd how Jon and I had come to this chapel at 1 AM in the first 2 weeks followiing Paul's accident and how much hope we had at that time! I then went to Mass and came home ready to deal with what was at hand. Paul was still running a fever, so we prepared to go to the ER. He fell asleep very soundly while we were getting ready, so we let him sleep. We left around 2 AM, knowing that there would not be a long wait at this hour.
We are waiting for results of tests and will go from there. Funny thing - Paul's fever seems to have broken. I pray it is really the case. There is still the issue of his deteriorating mental capability after this last surgery. We are waiting for the results of the CT scan.

I will update the blog later today when we will know for sure what is going to happen. Keep us in your prayers that we will have the understanding and knowledge to make the best decisions for Paul. It saddens me to see that after 3 1/2 months we still don't have a solution to the hydrocephalus. We are back to square one. But I got an email about a Vietnam veteran who died this past week and learned he had been a prisoner of war for 5 years. I thought about the years he spent alone and abused, without family or friends. No support system or any knowledge of how his family was doing. The same thiing with his family - not knowing the condition of their husband, son, brother, dad. The pain and agony of that wait makes our 'walk' pale in comparison.

God bless all of you and your intentions are ours.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca