pfiddy said.................

Paul seems to be 'flying just under the radar'! Again, we were reminded in our visit with Paul last night that he has some really tough times ahead of him in his recovery, but we were graced by God with some things that left us encouraged that he should have a good recovery.

We were in the family visiting room with Paul, and there is a computer table in there with a computer. We got Paul to come over to the table and Mike opened this blogspot for Paul. Mike opened the comment section so Paul could read them and Paul then took over the mouse and started to immediately click away. He knew exactly how to navigate through and ENTERED HIS OWN COMMENT. If you look at the last comment on yesterday's post, he typed 'pfiddy' and then went on to enter his comment. If anyone knows Portuguese, please let us know what his message says...............smile.
As you can see, there are still glitches in Paul's 'computer'. In his head he is saying something that makes sense, but he can't translate it well. ( He has physically written words clearly, but he is not able to write full sentences that have any meaning. And the spelling becomes more jumbled as he writes.) But, the fact that he was able to do all the navigating of the computer by himself is the great part. His computer at home has a password on it and so I asked Mike to open that logon site. He did and then Mike asked Paul to enter the password. Paul did it so fast that Mike could not write it down. It is all numbers and Paul had no problem remembering it! Then Mike asked him to open his email site and Paul motioned for Mike to type in the address, but Paul typed in that password as well. Paul did not open any of the emails, he just clicked a number of them that were ads and then deleted them! We sat in stunned silence as he navigated around for a little bit. Mike opened the site for Paul's band and Paul listened to the song that is on it. Then Paul sat back and motioned that he wanted to go back to his room. He was really tired, and he fell asleep within 20 minutes of being laid in bed.

When we first got to the hospital, I asked the guys to get around Paul so I could get a picture of them all together, the first one since the accident! When Paul looked up to see that I was taking a picture, he gave the 'thumbs up' sign, as you can see above. We all laughed so hard. I found such comfort in that 'almost' normal moment for our family, and pray for so many more wonderful times together. His brothers were writing down different questions for Paul to answer, and one of them was what kind of car Paul owned. He had no recollection of his car. We had been told that he will, in all probability, not have any memory of the accident, and quite possibly some of the months leading into his accident. He doesn't remember going to Florida for his 21st birthday, where he celebrated with his brothers and his girlfriend. That was in mid October. He doesn't remember his car, which he had for only a couple of months. When I asked him if he was at home or in a hospital, he said he was at home.(The confusion is probably because his laundry is still being done for him, he isn't having to pick his clothes up off the floor and meals are on the table consistently...........smile.) He still does not remember that it is the Christmas season. When I asked him if he knew he had been in a car accident, which is something he is asked everyday, he wrote "no, why??" There are so many gaps, but these should start to fill in as his brain recovers. Yes indeed, the road ahead is a fairly long one, but so many others have walked this pathway ahead of us. They have shared their stories with us on this site and in person and we are drawing our strength from their journeys in faith and most especially your continued prayers.

I was told by the physical therapist that they are still working on finding the right combination of medicines to help Paul's brain slow down, but not cause him to be so fidgety. He will lay his head down on the table, but his foot will continue tapping away. She said he is doing fine with his walking. There is a lot of stiffness in his left arm. There will need to be even more therapy for his left side to help build flexibility and strength. He did use his left hand more last night than I have seen in the past few days. I know there are working to get him to lift his left arm up over his head and reach for things. He has a very difficult time with that.

He did not try to talk last night more than a few words that he mouthed. So, we wait. There are so many areas that need to be healed, his brain is in overload as it is receiving signals from throughout the body and is trying to heal itself at the same time. It reminds me of the slowness of the internet on dial-up. You could hear the internal workings of the computer clicking away like mad, but nothing was showing up on the monitor. And now that I think about it, Paul's face doesn't really show much emotion. I have not seen him smile more than once or twice, and that is only when he is asked to smile. He watches everything very intently, but does not respond to any type of humor. He will give a 'thumbs up' if his brothers tease him, to show he understands what they are doing, but he doesn't smile. It will be music to my ears to hear him laugh again!

Before we left, we circled his bed and prayed. He made the sign of the cross, but didn't attempt to try to say any of the prayers (the Our Father, Hail Mary or Glory Be). He was just so tired and he could barely keep awake as we said goodbye.

I was saying my morning prayers and was reading a prayer of St. Padre Pio of Pietrelcina. It starts with:

Stay with me, Lord, for it s necessary to have You present so that I do not forget You. You know how easily I abandon You.
Stay with me, Lord, because I am weak and I need Your strength, that I may not fall so often.
Stay with me, Lord, for You are my life, and without You, I am without meaning and hope.
Stay with me, Lord, for You are my light, and without You, I am in darkness.
Stay with me, Lord, to show me Your will.
Stay with me, Lord, so that I can hear Your voice and follow You.
Stay with me, Lord, for I desire to love You ever more, and to be always in Your company.
Stay with me, Lord, if you wish me to be always faithful to You.
Stay with me, Lord, for as poor as my soul is, I wish it to be a place of consolation for You, a dwelling of Your love.

This has so much more meaning for me now. I know how weak I am, and would easily fall into despair as I watch Paul and see how much more recovery is needed. I could easily fall into despair by dwelling on thoughts that maybe there won't be any more recovery than what we have. I easily worry about things that can still go wrong and as I start my spiral downward, I literally have to call out to Jesus to help me overcome my doubt and weakness. Despair and hopelessness are tools of Satan, and I am an easy target for him. Without the constant prayers being offered up for our family, I would have crumbled at the beginning of this ordeal. Thank you for your prayers that lift me when I am too saddened or weak to remember to pray, when I so easily abandon our Lord. I keep you all in my prayers so that we remain brothers and sisters in Christ. What a comfort it is knowing that we have the power of prayer as our tool to fight back. I also remember to say the prayer to St. Michael each day, 'to defend us in battle and be our defense.... against Satan, and the other evil spirits, who prowl about the world, seeking the ruins of souls'. What comfort, what joy, what happiness there is, knowing that we have been given not only each other,but all the holy men and women who have gone before us and the angels and saints, as prayerful companions from God to aid us in our journey home. One more time I will say out loud "yes, I can do this".

To finish the prayer from above:
Stay with us, Lord, because in the darkness of this life, with all its dangers, we need you.

God's love and protection to you,
Jon and Rebecca Fidero