Who Knew?

To say I have been swamped lately is an understatement.
I just now read the last blog's comments and have read Paul's entry! I laughed pretty darned hard and then wondered...........why didn't he just say so? I guess it is my fault.........I didn't ask!

Michael one day came into the house and Jon was sitting on the couch with his laptop. and I was sitting in the chair across from him, surfing the net on my laptop. Michael stopped and asked us if we were emailing each other? It was a funny question then, but now I am wondering if there wouldn't be better communication in our household if we just started to write to each other!

I have to admit, most of my family who lives outside our home emails me so they can reach me. They are sure to get an answer if they send it to work, since that is about the only time lately that I am on line. My job has gotten out of control in the last couple of months and I don't have the time to check my email at home much. I had not even opened the blog site since the last time I wrote on it. Since Paul spends Wednesdays and Friday/Saturday's with Jerry, it has become common place for Jerry to email me with all the things Paul did during the day. We don't seem to have the time to sit down and talk much. It has become an epidemic in our home! We all cross each other's pathways, but rarely get to sit down and have discussions. Who turned up the speed on our treadmills??

It's amazing how subtly bad habits can creep into one's life. And this is a really bad habit for a family to fall into. I was always so happy that our family sat down every night to a meal, and we reaped the benefit of lot of laughter and enjoyment at our dinner table. I have always used tablecloths and cloth napkins on my table (hoping to teach my sons how to behave in public.........not all the good habits I had hoped for took place.........sigh) to make it a nice setting and to show that it was important to me. I had heard a priest say once that it is a good thing to take the time to make meals as pleasant as possible, to help create a 'set aside' time for family. He encouraged families to make it special by adding the extra touches. I even had candles on the table that we lit each evening, as a reminder that Christ was the light in the center of our lives. In the past few months, it has been 'catch as catch can.' And it is taking its toll on our relationships with each other. We lost the point of what makes us a family - creating moments in our day to sit with each other and share our love - to communicate. Paul's posting certainly has put a spotlight on that deficiency in our home!

With the signs of Spring popping up everywhere (and the sneezes to verify it!), I thought about how God continually shows us signs of His love for His children on earth. It is the signs of new life and how it comes to us year after year, that we too are called year after year to new life. We use lent to reflect on what are the bad habits/sinful ways we have developed over time and to then turn away from them. I have seen very clearly a few things I want to change in my life and now that we come into the last week of Lent, God has pointed out one more. I love my family with more love than I can put down into words. My children and husband are the wind in my sails, my heartbeat. Yet, I have neglected the very thing that brings me the most fulfillment. I have slowly gotten side-tracked and have been working long hours and some evenings and weekends trying to catch up on my work. I have not been able to sit as often as I used to, listening for God to speak to my soul. It is no wonder I feel so empty inside these days. I created the desert I have been in. Ever so slowly I let my 'point and purpose' in life slip-slide away. I have begged God to help me with all the stress in my life lately and asked Him to show me how to handle all the tasks in my life. His response has been to allow me to feel more and more stress! I have begun to have migraine headaches just about every day, have not been able to stay up past 9 each night and have barely been able to get up for the 6:30 Mass. I have only been able to go 3-4 times a week. Today, as tears gently rolled down my face in Mass, I asked God to rescue me. He answered.
Today's responsorial -
Psalm 18
In my distress I called upon the Lord, and He heard my voice.

The breakers of death surged round about me,
the destroying floods overwhelmed me;
The cords of the nether world enmeshed me,
the snares of death overtook me.

As I listened, that is when I let the tears flow. I felt exactly like that - that everything was caving in around me and the floods of stress was overwhelming me. It was choking out the very thing that I knew was my only hope and answer.

"Your words, Lord, are Spirit and life;
you have the words of everlasting life."

I told Jon after Mass that I was going to write a blog today, as it is one of the most enjoyable things I do anymore and I had so neglected it. I also said that I needed to find someone to help me get some things done around the house so that I could get past the feeling of being overwhelmed and get caught up. Lastly, and most importantly, I was not going to let the workload deprive me of the joy that I know God offers to us. The joy of knowing He loves me. He offers what I need to hold onto. His love provides me hope and it feeds my soul. It is my strength.

There is a song with the words - "No.. they can't take that away from me." Yet, that is exactly what I have done. I have once again slipped into the mode of being a 'super hero'.
I want to do a good job at work, I want to be the best wife and mom, I want to help everyone I can, I want to be a perfect servant of the Lord........etc, etc. But it is evident that there is no way I can do all of that. Reading Paul's blog this morning was God's way of showing me to sit down and rethink my list. It has gotten out of kilter. Time to look at all the tasks in my 'queue' and RENUMBER THEM.

I pray that with the ending of lent, I will be on track with the end of a couple really bad habits. Ones that keep me from 'springing into new life."

Let our hearts rejoice in His saving help.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Call Me On Your Way Back Home

Bottom of the Eighth! No hits, no errors.

There has been no word from the doctors in Charlotte today, except to make another appointment to do a routine shunt tap next Tuesday. They want to check the brain fluid one more time. Then he will see the reconstructive surgeon for more of the electrical treatments. No mention of any growth of bacteria! We are down to the last inning on Friday and the infectious disease doctor said he was very optimistic that everything would be fine.

Paul had a fairly good day today. He was having to take Advil pretty much around the clock for his headache, but was able to go to work and went swimming again. He called me to let me know that he did a lot of excercises in the pool, rather than laps and he was pleased with how long he was able to stay in the pool. He saw a friend of his from high school,who is a life guard there. His friend has been very encouraging of Paul's efforts. It's interesting how Paul is now taking a bigger concern about his physical health. He has picked up all of his weight and is now in the mid 160's. (What a relief that is. His lowest weight was exactly one year ago and he weighed 117 lbs. It was frightening to see!) With the weight gain, he is now conscious of the fact that he lacks 'tone'. Anyone who knows Paul can attest to the fact that he is not a big vegetable eater. He loves steak and potatoes, or hamburgers and french fries. That has not changed after the accident...........smile. He is also not fond of eating fruit. He will eat a little fruit salad if it is served with dinner, but he won't just grab a piece of fruit to eat as a snack. So, on Wednesday night, as he and Jon were heading back home from Charlotte, he called to see what we were going to have for dinner, as they would be home around 8 PM. I asked him what he would want to eat, as I could have it ready for him. He said that he noticed he is getting heavier and he wanted something that wouldn't be a lot of calories. I was surprised to hear him say that, and then was thankful I was sitting down when he said, "I think I just want a salad." I chuckled and asked, "You want a salad?" He said that he wanted something that was really healthy. I thought to myself, "surely the doctor has made a mistake and the effects of the infection have set in..........Paul is becoming disoriented and delirious with fever!" I asked him what his dad wanted and Jon agreed that he too would like a salad. I waited for a moment, expecting them to start laughing and telling me they were joking. They weren't. So I suggested we have grilled chicken with it for some substance, as none of us had eaten for hours and it would be late when we ate. They agreed that would be good and so they came home to a healthy meal and Paul ate a huge portion of salad! Then today, he packed his lunch and Jerry said he packed an apple and a banana in with it. Shocked? Why yes, yes I am. Especially since there is no high fever or mental confusion associated with this behavior!

One other improvement that we are noticing is that Paul's tone of voice is coming back. His voice was so weak last year and he was not able to say more than a few words before he would stop and take another breath. His lung capacity was very low due to the severe damage to his left lung. As he does more physical training, he is helping to expand his lungs, which in turn is helping the tone and strength of his voice. We use the only recording of his voice prior to the accident, which is his outgoing message on his cellphone, as our benchmark. The first few times I heard it after the accident, it made me cry. Then, I would call his cellphone just to hear his voice, especially when he wasn't talking at all. Now I call his phone to get his voicemail so I can see how much more he has improved! And I leave a message for Paul to call me back so I can tell him how much I love him.

He also has to work harder at annunciating his words due to the paralysis. He will catch himself 'mumbling' words and realize that his sentence came out somewhat slurred. In most instances, he will correct himself and repeat his sentence without us having to ask, "what did you say?" This has been another area that he has noticed he has a weakness and needs to work harder to compensate for the deficiency. He does not get discouraged about any of it, just states matter of factly that he has to work harder now since he has these lingering problems. Jerry said that Paul mentioned the other day that he really wants to get his facial nerve and muscles back. It would make him so happy to have that again. He said he really wants to use both eyes again too. We hear you Paul ...and all of us want that for you!!! Tonight, after we said the blessing before eating dinner, we added a prayer for James, Jon and Marie and also for Jerry's mother, who had to have foot surgery today. After we finished our list of things we needed and also were thankful for, Paul tapped my hand and then pointed to himself and kind of nodded his head. He wanted to remind me to add him to the list! So I said, "and also, please God, heal our son Paul very, very soon." Paul smiled and then did the sign of the cross to end our meal blessing.

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit -
We will find strength and healing.

With great love to all of you,
Jon and Rebecca

Bottom of the Seventh

I won't hold you in suspense..........Paul is home tonight with his team!

Jon and Paul saw Dr. Lang with the Infectious Disease Consultants around 3:00 PM. They were told that the brain fluid taken at the beginning of the isotope test Monday morning was run through the normal testing and the sample on the slide showed clear evidence of bacteria. The lab then placed a call to Dr. McLanahan's office. Jon was told by Dr. Lang today, that it is usually hard to detect bacteria, even through a microscope,. Therefore, because it was so easily seen on this slide, it did cause some alarm.

They have been running a culture since Monday at noon when the sample was first inspected. What has happened in these last two days is unusual. There has been no growth at all. They have not been able to identify the bacteria since there has been no growth so far. The next test they do is a white blood count. They took a blood test today from Paul and his white blood count is perfectly normal. Added to all this is the fact that there are no outward signs of an infection - no fever, worse headaches, stiff neck, vomiting, lethargy, mental confusion, sore joints, dizziness. Also, the brain fluid was perfectly clear, with no signs of infection. All they have is the first determination of clearly visible bacteria. There is a chance (albeit very small, per the doctor) that the introduction of bacteria came from outside, possibly from a non-sterile procedure at some point.

They will watch the culture for 2 more days and if nothing develops, Game's Over! We win!
My heart soared with joy after Jon told me what had happened. I was so thankful to God for what appears to be a positive outcome. I am leaving all of this to God and if a full blown infection comes along after all, then it must have a reason. I say this calmly because of what Paul told me last night as we were getting the last of his packing for the hospital completed.

I stood looking at him and said, "I wonder what this is all about. I mean, you are doing so well and have come along so quickly after that last surgery. Why are we going through so much struggle in getting you to your recovery?" Paul came over to me and said, "It is probably because God needs me to seek Him more. He needs me to do more for Him." I said something about how Paul has done so much already, most especially in the area of suffering. He said that God needs him to try harder. He said it is like taking the final exam. You have to study harder, do more seeking and more research than for the little chapter tests. You have to really put out a big effort to pass the final exam. That's what all of this is. Paul's final exam. He said he has to pass this final exam so he can go out and do God's work. He also has to pass this final exam because he doesn't want to spend time in purgatory and all of this is helping him become more holy. He said he would do even more if it meant he could cut his time in purgatory. He is being blessed with all these trials, as an opportunity to offer it all up for the atonement of his sinful ways. Listening to Paul explain the 'what for' has been the best response to any of my questions thus far! He is so insightful when it comes to spirituality. I treasure so many of his analogies because they are the perfect explanations.

This morning, he got up at 6:00 AM without us waking him. He got his own medication. That is a first! He then stayed up and hung out on the computer. He has been so much better at initiating his own entertainment during the day. Anyway, I came into his room a little later and he was listening to a CD that a friend in the school of music had made and given to Paul. Paul started to explain to me the difference in the songs - some were played in minor chords and he explained what made the songs sound so sad. He said he would not have done so many sad songs if he had been able to do a classical CD. I told him I was so proud of how much he knew and that it was interesting to listen to him. He responded, "Not too bad for a carrot." I laughed at his reference. He got this nickname from Jerry's mother, Judy. When she heard about how the first doctor had wanted us to take Paul off the ventilator to let him die peacefullyor he would in all probablity turn out to be a vegetable, she said that if Paul was a vegetable, he was the cutest 'carrot' she had ever seen. Paul remembered her nickname for him this morning and used it quickly after my comment about how smart he was.

Back to the infection issue. If anything does develop in 2 days, then Paul will be hospitalized and will require surgical removal of his shunt, and a second surgery to insert a new one once the infection is cleared. (Sounds about the same as a typical Atlanta Brave's type finish......A huge disappointment!) I believe though, that satan will be struck out.

Jesus, I trust in you.
Thank you for your prayers. You are an awesome crowd of supporters!

God bless you all,
Jon and Rebecca

Whisperings

I got a call from the neurosurgeon's office as I was leaving the office today and they have set up an appointment with an ID doctor. I bet you are wondering, just as I was, what that is. I asked them and was told that we will be seeing an Infectious Disease doctor. Darn..........ignorance was bliss. As soon as I heard he had to see this type of doctor, my heart sank a little bit. As I started to really dwell on it, my heart sank lower..............

I was told that they will review his records, the slides of his brain fluid samples that they are running cultures on and will be handling the treatment of his infection. I didn't get a lot of information from the neurosurgeon's office about what to expect, except for one very disheartening fact. They will have to take the shunt out in the treatment of this infection. If the infection is coming from the shunt, it has to come out. If it is meningitis, the shunt is coming out. That was the part that I was dwelling on so much as I drove home. We are starting all over again and are now adding the complication of getting Paul past an infection. I tried to stay late at work to catch up on everything that piled up while I was gone, but could not concentrate at all. I closed up shop and drove home slowly, with my mind racing like crazy. Then I remembered the prayer James emailed me last night. He had called and told me how stressful his work load is, having signed up for 20 hours this semester in college. He said he heard this prayer and has been saying it to himself a number of times a day to help him keep everything in perspective. I had asked him to email it to me and I printed it so that I could keep it taped on my monitor at work. That way, I could bring about a 'pocket of peace' in the madness of my day! Again, it's funny how God's timing works. Just the prayer I needed today, with all of the uncertainty of Paul's newly developed condition and the mounds of work I had to tackle. God sent it to me through James at the most opportune time!! Try it.............you'll like it.

"Angel of God, whisper His name into my ear when the sounds of the world
disquiet my ears and discomfort my soul." - Sister Angelica

James added a note at the bottom saying I needed to remember this prayer, and know that Jesus does not abandon us.

To help me remember that He does not abandon us as we walk through these more difficult times, I do continue to say the prayer, "Jesus, I trust in you." I love that God has placed in my heart a more sincere trust in His ways.

I am not going to pretend that I am not sad about all that is happening. I am plenty sad that Paul is having to suffer so much, and just when we seemed to be flying higher! He is actually working on the computer doing some 'brain exercises' right now........without any prompting from me. He put in a huge effort at the pool Friday and tonight said how disappointed he was about not getting to go again tomorrow. He went to work today with a good size headache. Right after he got to work, he even called to tease me by saying he was going to just stay home with Judy and watch movies. When I suggested he at least try to get to work for a little while, he laughed and said he was already there! He had a really solid weekend and was active the whole time. Then, he came home last night, wiped out after his 4 appointments in Charlotte. That was to be expected. But getting the news that they had discovered he has a low grade infection came as a real shock to all of us. Finding out they have to remove the shunt was an even tougher blow. Yes, sad is the word to describe our feelings tonight when we came home. I have no other answer except to draw on our trust in God. So, we will grab our rosaries tonight and will pray fervently for God's intercession in all of this. We will trust that prayer will 'move this mountain into the sea'.

We won't know much more until after his appointment at 2:45 PM. I will give you the results and the plan of action. We do have to pack in case he is hospitalized after the appointment.

We all sat and read the comments tonight. In answer to them, yes, laughter makes satan mad. If someone is going to be mad - let it be him! Paul is strumming his guitar now..........and is singing of his love for his dog, Abbycake. Yep, we will rejoice and be glad, for this is the day the Lord has made. Praise His Holy Name...........listen for your angel to whisper it in your ear!

Love and God bless,
Jon and Rebecca

Wind Under Our Wings.

Marie, Jon, Rebecca and Paul. This was 5 days before Paul's accident. 16 months later I
found myself back at the beach and remembering this day.





















Here we all are looking at the tiny crabs that are in
the shell Paul is holding. I still have the shell, which
I put on the hutch with an angel statue behind it.



God always knows what we need, when we need it. His timing is incredible, even though I personally feel He sometimes waits too long to get things done.............smile.
But, just in the nick of time, I was graced with the chance to spend the last 4 days with my sisters, Beverly, Kelly and Mary Beth! I know for a fact that none of our husbands would have found all the things we laughed about as funny as we did, nor would they have enjoyed being along on the day we browsed through all those gift shops. Which made it all the more enjoyable for us since we didn't have to worry about anyone's needs in all that time. What a magnificent gift from God...........SISTERS! I treasure this gift so much. And today, at 6:30 Mass, I thanked God over and over again for the love, laughter, joy and rest that we all shared. Our God is an awesome God!

The timing of this mini-vacation was so awesome. I didn't realize just how beat down I was until I woke up Friday morning and listened to the gentle rain that was falling. I truly felt the fatigue that permeated my entire body. Throughout the weekend, I spent many moments soaking in the beauty of the sun, glinting on the waves pounding on the shore, shining warmly on me as I sat by a window or setting gloriously each evening with an array of colors. On Saturday, as I walked along the shore, with the cold water rushing around my feet and the roar of the waves that were crashing after the storm had passed, I could not help but shed tears. As soon as I stepped onto the beach I remembered the last time I was walking along the shore was with Paul, Jon, Marie, Jon Sr. and Geneva. We were down in Florida only 5 days before Paul's accident and it was an incredibly fun weekend. The whole scene flashed back into my mind and I could not hold back my tears remembering how Paul looked and how well he was. I noticed there was a shell on the beach that looked just like the one I kept that Paul used to scoop up sand to show us the little sand crabs. So I picked up the one that was on this beach and walked along and prayed to God to give me the continued strength I would need to get Paul back to his fullest recovery. I looked long and hard at the beauty around me, so that I could remember it and draw on its beauty in the future, when I might need what I refer to as a "Calgon Moment" - a quick mental retreat to revive my spirits. On Sunday morning, I got up very early and got dressed quickly to walk to the block over to the beach and watch the sunrise. I thought I was being very quiet, but Mary Beth heard me and got up to see who was up and where they were going. She asked me to wait and then she and I hurried over to the beach. The sun was up just a bit over the horizon and the sun was shining brilliantly across the water. The surf was still crashing loudly as the tide was in. We stood and watched out over that expanse of deep blue and stood quietly in the spectacular beauty of the morning. We were blessed with so many sights. There were dolphins jumping out of the sea as they made their way in a southerly direction and then there was a yacht out on the horizon that was traveling back North. There was a large flock of birds that appeared to be migrating North also. Then there were 3 pelicans that skimmed for about 1/2 a mile over the surface of the cresting waves - which was so amazing to see how close to the water they were and yet did not touch down. They didn't move their wings at all. I believe the current off the waves were keeping them up. It was beautiful to see. We stood out there for over an hour, then went back to the house to get ready for Mass.

For 4 days, I got to enjoy the great view of the ocean from one side of the house and the more quiet scene of the coastal waterway from the deck on the other side of the house. No matter what window I looked out, there was a peaceful sight to take in. And inside the house - the love of my sisters being shared. Awesome, Awesome, Awesome.

And about the timing of this vacation that I mentioned earlier. With renewed strength and hope, we started home. Jon and Paul were on their way home from Charlotte, where they did another adjustment to Paul's shunt. I had heard how well Paul had been all weekend. He even went swimming on Friday and had done a lot of excercising and pushed himself a lot harder than Jerry thought he was capable of. He has called me and I put him on speaker phone so we could all say hello to him. He got a kick out of that and then told all of us how much fun he had at the pool. His voice sounded so much more like before and he was joking around alot. It made me so happy to know he was striving to move forward in his progress towards his recovery. So, we were a little over half way home when I called Jon to see if he had heard from the doctor's office because I noticed I had a missed call. He said he had just hung up with them. They had gotten the results from the lab on the sample of brain fluid taken earlier that day. It showed Paul was developing a low grade infection. An infection in the brain fluid may mean meningitis, which will be very bad news if it is. They told him that they would be calling us today or tomorrow after they confirm the results and will then get Paul back in to see a specialist who will deal with the infection. My heart sank when he told me this. I thanked God immediately for the rest He provided, because I was absolutely not very strong in the days leading into the vacation. I called as many family members as I could reach to ask them to pray hard that this will not develop into a bad situation and for God to heal Paul. Yes, I asked for nothing less than a miracle for Paul! I won't stop asking until we get more information and will also pray for Paul's strength.

I went to the reconciliation service at St. Stephen's last night and thanked God for this opportunity to receive this sacrament, especially if I have to take Paul back to the hospital in Charlotte if he needs to be hospitalized to fight the infection. So, like I said, God's timing is perfect even though I often question it...............smile.

I will update this as soon as we know more. I won't make you wait a minute longer than God makes us wait!!!

Thank you for your prayers today. As always, like the wind that carried those birds above the waves, we are carried by your prayers.

With love in our hearts for you,
Jon and Rebecca

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

What a long time since I have been able to get a posting done!!! It is so disappointing when I don't have the time to do what I like most. So many times during this past week, I have wanted to quick jump on the computer and tell you what has been going on and share it all with you. I draw so much strength from this blog site and the comments and just knowing you are all out there cheering us on. Oh, that I had that much time!*I feel like I have been in the Sahara.............it's been a real desert for me lately. Emotionally, I have felt bone dry. The whole event of Paul’s accident and getting to where we are right now has been overwhelming lately. Maybe it is the extra burden of trying to live out my Lenten resolutions. In the past few days I have prayed earnestly for the strength to keep moving forward!

Then a truly blessed thing happened to me last night and today I feel strengthened again. I had a dream during the night and our family was on a houseboat in the middle of a lake. We were just floating out there and the boys were going to swim for a little while. They were all younger - about 3-9 yrs in age. Jon and I were busy telling Paul and Jon about being careful and I glanced over my shoulder to check on James and Michael. I didn't see them and turned around faster than you can imagine and screamed out their names as I spun around a full 360 degrees. They were not on the boat. They had fallen off in the few seconds we were not looking. We didn't know what side of the boat they had fallen off of, as there were no ripples or anything to mark the spot where they fell. I was frozen in fear and Jon dove in immediately to try to find them. My next instinct was to scream out to God. I must have screamed his name 8-10 times, all the while thinking He HAD to bring them back to me alive. It was the most desperate pleading I have ever done to God and the intensity with which I implored God to save them is finally what woke me up. As I woke up, I found myself still repeating His name. I was so thankful to realize it was a dream and I felt totally drained of energy. My most immediate thought after this were these words - "as intensely as you sought God, He DESIRES your love." I repeated the words again to myself, as I knew they were so meant for me. I thought how awesome and incomprehensible His love must be, because I know how intensely I was pleading for His help. In my dream, I was saying only the name of God - just yelling out His name with all my might as someone would yell out the word HELP, if they were at the bottom of a well and desperately needing someone to hear them. As desperately as I wanted God, He wants me MORE. Maybe He has been calling to me as intensely as I was calling Him. Maybe I haven't really been listening as well as He needs and He has had to increase the volume when calling me by name! What has really impacted me by this dream is that He desires each of us infinitely more and wants His children to be back home with Him. Our Father truly wants us to be with Him in the end and does not want to lose us. I want to use the rest of this Lenten season to be even quieter and listen with greater attention, to the direction in which He is leading me. He wants our attention all the time, because He is the one with the point and purpose for us. I don't want to be shown what He really desired of me, after I die and it is too late! That my folks, would be a REAL TRAGEDY!

Today, at Mass, I read something that was written by St. Dorotheus (565AD). His essay was about our conscience. “When God created humanity, He implanted in us something of His own divinity, in the way of a more ardent disposition, with a shining spark of reason to illuminate our minds and teach us the difference between good and evil. This is called conscience, which is natural law.” He speaks about how over time, man no longer obeyed the written law and fell farther away from God. “But since conscience was clogged and trampled on by humanity in general through successive sin, we needed the written law, we needed the holy prophets and we needed the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ to uncover and waken it, and to bring the buried spark back to life through the observance of His holy commands. So it is now up to us either to keep it buried, or to allow it to shine in us and illuminate us if we obey it. For when our conscience tells us to do something and we ignore it, and it speaks again and we still do nothing but trample on it, we finally bury it, and it can no longer speak clearly to us because of the weight pressing on it.” He talks about how we need to follow our conscience in the very small matters first, or we will not be able to adhere to it in the greater things. “ Both living a good life and living a life of sin grow from small beginnings, to end in either great good or great evil.”

How apropos that this essay would follow today’s readings and my dream. From Matthew 5:17 Jesus said to His disciples, “Do not think I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.” We are called to obey every commandment given to us by God, no matter how difficult. I believe that while I take time to be more quiet while listening for God to lead me, I will be very busy ‘shoveling’ the mound of dirt that has covered my conscience.

Paul had an appointment with Dr. Kaelin, at The Shepherd Center. I have to admit, I may have been cutting my nose to spite my face in not following up with this doctor last year. I felt that he had made a big mistake in not diagnosing the onset of hydrocephalus last February and I was very angry that they just ‘dropped’ Paul from the Pathways program. The one thing that lead us back to Shepherd was due to The Bridge Program, where they offer a year long follow up by a trained professional to make sure the families of brain injured patients find help and guidance. In the first few months after leaving Shepherd, we were like lost people at sea. We were trying to make decisions based on ignorance……..a very uncomfortable situation. Then, when Paul started the symptoms of hydrocephalus, he was totally misdiagnosed and then dropped out of the program with no real direction or help. When this kind woman called us to follow up, I basically dismissed her with all of my grievances and said we would find help elsewhere. Instead of taking my word for it, she kept calling each month to check on us. After a few months, I realized that maybe God was ‘sending me an oar’ and I started to talk to her and let her know everything we were doing to solve the complications of the hydrocephalus. She stayed very supportive and in December, suggested that I do a follow up appointment with Dr. Kaelin. I made the appointment but it was cancelled 2 times due to Paul’s needing to be in Charlotte. Finally, last Friday, we got to see Dr. Kaelin. He was very excited to see how Paul was progressing and talked to us about getting Paul back into the Pathways program. He doesn’t feel Paul needs much physical therapy, mostly would benefit from speech therapy. He said he wanted to arrange our coming there when he is at the facility itself and can talk to the therapists and the on-site physiatrist, who we really did like. He got all the information about the doctors Paul is seeing in Charlotte and hopefully can coordinate all the efforts. He mentioned that they will do some psych evaluations also, which will be very beneficial in determining the problem areas that will need to be addressed. We just didn’t understand that the Pathway program was only about rehabilitation……….not recovery. Paul was still in the early stages of recovery and probably was entered into this program prematurely. That is why it was not very successful and he was dropped from the program. Maybe we didn’t understand what they were saying, maybe they missed some important signs of the onset of hydrocephalus. I am going to trust in God and in my effort to hear His voice. I will not continue to ‘burn any bridges’ in regards to Paul’s rehabilitation. I believe God sent this kind woman, Shelley, from the Bridge Program, to truly be ‘the bridge over troubled waters’ in our life.

Paul’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. Matthews was cancelled so we won’t be going until next week. It works out better for us, as I am going to be leaving tomorrow afternoon for a mini-vacation until Monday with my sisters, Beverly, Kelly (totally more of a sister than just a sister-in-law !) and Mary Beth. We are going to meet at Topsail Island at Mary Beth’s home. Just the girls. Another ‘oar’ in the water from God!!!!

Jon will take Monday off instead of tomorrow so we have someone getting Paul to and from work and Mass. I can go and be rest assured Paul is in good hands each and every day. The perfect trio to partner up with him………..Jon, Jerry and Judy (Hufford).

We still are seeing the intermittent flow of fluid from Paul’s nose on the left side only. I will be so glad once they can completely confirm we don’t have another leak of brain fluid. We have a call in to the doctor to discuss this issue. We were told to use glucose strips to see if the fluid has any sugar in it, as that would mean it is brain fluid. We have not been able to find any of the strips they used in the hospital, so will see if they can supply more. Also, we want to see if they can do a frontal x-ray of Paul’s face to possibly see if there is still a hole in that same area.

This all reminds me of something that happened after the last surgery in Charlotte. We told the doctor that we noticed fluid coming from Paul’s nose about 5 days after the surgery. We were given these thin strips that had multi colored pad on it to use to see if it was brain fluid. The strips are very small and have about 6-8 little pads on it, all different colored. We were told that we needed to get some of the fluid on the uppermost pad, which was blue.
When we saw there was fluid or Paul noticed it, we were to touch the blue pad to the fluid. As it happened, I had gone back to the hotel to get a quick shower and Jerry was with Paul. Paul wanted to go downstairs the gift shop to get me a surprise while I was gone. While Jerry and Paul were checking out, Paul felt the fluid in his nose. He told Jerry it was coming down. Jerry was just about ready to sign his credit receipt and had to ask the clerk to wait for a minute. There were about 4-5 people behind them in line and Jerry had to stop the check out process so he could ‘catch’ some fluid on the tiny little blue pad. He put his wallet and credit card down, and bent back the strip to get the blue part touching the opening of Paul’s left nostril so he could get some fluid on it. He is shorter than Paul, so he was looking up into Paul’s nose and was maneuvering the strip into place, all the while holding up the line of customers. Jerry knew it was important to get a sample for the doctor and he didn’t want to miss the opportunity! When he got the sample on the strip, he signed his receipt, picked up his wallet and credit card with his right hand, making sure nothing touched the strip in his left hand, so it wouldn’t be contaminated. He had Paul hold onto his shoulder as they made their way back up to the 9th floor. He stopped at the nurse’s station and gave the strip to Paul’s nurse.

I don’t believe I have laughed so hard in years, as he told me about it. I was picturing how this all must have looked to the customers behind these 2 men – one with a shaved head and a scar from ear to ear, holding a stuffed dog (my gift) and the other one sticking a strip of paper into the bald man’s nose and saying “I’ve got it” and then scrambling to pick up his belongings and quickly leaving, One thing is certain…………….Jerry is the most loyal friend and ‘brother’ in the world!!! He is loved so much by our family. (Now that I think about it – he is the one who deserves the mini vacation.)

God bless all of you and thank you for all your prayers. They too have built a bridge over our troubled waters.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

MARCHing Along

Jerry gave the guys a personal tour of CNN.
HEADLINE NEWS
H A P P Y 18TH B I R T H D A Y M I K E !






Ready, Set, Blow!











































































Michael, James, Jon, Jon Sr, Paul


and Jerry












Yes Michael, you have to blow them ALL out













































The typical response I get when I ask for a group picture........















The preferred response.

The Way The Ball Bounces

Since Michael is the last son to turn 18 in our home, we wanted to make sure it was really special. After flying Jon and James in for a surprise 'brothers weekend' we also had a surprise birthday party planned on Saturday night. I have to be totally honest when I say that I am not sure who benefitted most from this past weekend! Any mother can relate to how joyful it is when all the children come home at the same time. I mostly sat back and just watched the fun.

Friday I came home for lunch so I could visit with them for a short while. The boys were over at Jerry's house and decided to play basketball. The teams were James/Paul and Jon/Michael. Paul even took off his sun glasses so he could play better and not worry about them falling off his face. He took some practice shots and surprised us with a couple that were 'all net'. His movements weren't exactly agile, but he was able to keep up with the game. He may move more slowly than his brothers, but his effort was huge. At one point, Michael got the rebound and forgot to take it back to the end of the driveway before shooting for a basket. It went in and Paul was the first one to comment it didn't count. Michael didn't know about the rule and questioned Paul about why his basket didn't count and Paul explained that if you caught a rebound, you had to take it back to the end of the driveway and then you could come forward to make the basket. It shows Paul's mind is working very quickly, just his movements lag behind a bit. ( Nothing like brotherly competition to bring the best out in Paul!) I was taking a bunch of pictures so I could share the moment with Jon when he got home from work. This was the first time Paul did something more than a short walk since his surgery. In fact, it is the first time he has done anything where he had to jog around! He played for about 15-20 minutes and then had to stop because of his head pain. That was a disappointment, but this sport event was such a huge thing for Paul. Absolutely awesome!

Saturday was the surprise party and the guys went down to CNN for a private tour with Jerry, while Jon and I rushed to get the house decorated and food ready for the party. They kept Michael busy until about 6:30 and brought him home. Everyone's cars were parked elswhere, so there were no outward signs there was a party going on! We had about 30 people over and I can't tell you how awesome it was to have all that joy and laughter in my home again. Michael was surprised, which was amazing since there had been 2 different times that I thought he might know. If he did know, he managed to keep that a secret! We went outside at about 9:00 PM and Jon (brother) and Matt Velker lit the rest of our fireworks that we still had from when Paul came home from his last hospital stay. This time, the neighbors were at our house, so we did a bunch, knowing it would not disturb their peace and quiet. It was a great time and ended way too soon.

Jon had to leave Sunday morning at 5:00 AM, so we were basically exhausted on Sunday. We had fun going through the pictures that were taken and sharing our stories about the party. For the first time in a long time, I actually took an afternoon nap........................what a great gift from God! Paul's head was hurting pretty bad on Sunday, so he too was down for the day. He took a couple of walks in an effort to feel better, but it didn't help a lot.

Monday he went back to work for a couple of hours and again yesterday. He was going to be picked up by James, but at 1:00 PM told James to wait another 45 minutes, as Paul was feeling good. He had a really good day yesterday, so I am hopeful that the new setting on his shunt may be working. It takes some days for it to actually cycle around and become effective. He even called his personal trainer to see if he could start back with his excercise program. The most amazing thing happened last night around 8:30. He came into my room to get some of the things we use to tend to his eye, as he was going to spend the night at Jerry's house, along with James. He asked me where we put all his things from college. I asked him what exactly was he looking for and he said he wanted all his music. He wanted to start looking at it and also the notebooks from school. He said he needs to get going on getting his life back, to get started on being more like a 22 yr. old. I told him I was happy he had reached this stage of awareness and that we would go through all the boxes that were stored away, that had so many of his dorm things in them. He also said that he wants to get more serious about his job, that he would like to work more so that he can get better at it. He even said that he hopes to marry and be able to provide for a family. I told him that was a fine goal to be sure and to keep praying for God to lead him down the road intended. He said he would never lose that part - the praying to God. He knows allowed him to live after the accident and he is so thankful to God for that.

While he was talking to me about all of this, there was a new look to his face and his eye. There was almost an urgency to him while he was talking about wanting to get his life back. I have wondered so often if what we were seeing was as good as it was going to get. It's not that I was stressed over it - Jon and I have said often that if we have to take care of Paul the rest of his life, so be it. But to hear Paul speak about trying to get his life back, I realized how much hope I really do have for him. I hope and pray for Paul to have a life where he can participate in so many more ways. What he has done so far has totally exceeded our expectations and we are so thankful that God has allowed us to be a witness to His hand at work in so visible a way. I have to tell you, watching Paul helps me be so much more thankful for what I have and can do in my own life. He has helped me become so much more loving and caring in my interactions with everyone who comes down my pathway. His uninhibited ways of noticing and reaching out to others has opened my eyes to so many more ways we can be servants of God. This past weekend, the Saturday morning Mass was for Michael. All of the family was there and I was beyond joyful, sitting with my sons, husband and Jerry. Paul sat with us only until he noticed the woman in our parish whose husband died while Paul was in the hospital. Paul told us then that he could not do much for her, other to make sure she never sat alone in the pew. I watched him as he sat down and waited to see if he would notice that Juanita was alone. It took only about 6 seconds for him to notice and he looked over at me. I knew he was going to tell me he was going to leave us and go over to Juanita, so I just nodded my head before he could say anything. He smiled and took my hand and squeezed it. Then he left and went to Juanita and gave her a big hug as he sat by her. On Sunday morning, I was running 10 minutes behind Jon and the boys, so they went to Mass in Jon's car. I came to sit by them and before I could ask where Paul was, Jon just nodded over to where Juanita has always sat. There was Paul by her side, with his arm around her. When it came time for the Sign of Peace at Mass, Jon and I glanced over to Paul and we watched how Paul made sure not to miss anyone around him as he shook their hand and wished them peace. Receiving the Body of Christ is what Paul loves most, but second to that is when he can wish everyone around him peace. He has even crossed the aisle to make sure to hug someone he knows really well, so that he doesn't miss the opportunity to let them know how important they are to him. There was one morning Mass, I was later told, where Fr. Paddy patiently waited for Paul to get back to his seat after crossing over to the other side to hug 2 of the women who have helped care for him. The people in our parish have been so kind and patient with Paul during these last 15 months - it is no wonder Paul wants to hug them all! They are truly a CITY OF GOD. We had to explain to Paul that he should basically keep the hugs and handshakes to the people around him and then when Mass is over, complete the task with everyone outside of the sanctuary............smile. His desire to simply love people is a beautiful example of how Jesus loves us.....without reservation and unconditionally.

While Paul is looking to gain more of his adult life back, I am looking forward to becoming more like a child of God. One where I can become a most humble servant of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Teach me your ways my God.

Peace be to all of you in this season of Lent.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Serenity Now !

I came in from Mass this morning and for some reason those are the words that crossed my mind. I had stood out in the driveway for about 15 minutes, watching the incredible sunrise that was unfolding above me. It was absolutely an awesome sight, especially after the severe thunderstorms that had been dumping rain for 24 hours. The blues in the morning sky reminded me that Our Blessed Mother in heaven has her mantle around us. The clouds were brilliant white and wispy across the expanse of blue and the sun was intensely bright in the smog-free sky. A wonderfully fresh, crisp March morning.

I came in and got a hot cup of coffee and a piece of toast, sat down in the front room and watched the birds feeding right outside my window. It doesn't take much to make me joyful..........these are the moments I treasure the most. I sat thinking about how blessed I am in life. Jon and I were able to sit by each other at morning Mass with my sister and her husband. Then I got a big hug from Jon before we parted ways (my other reinforcement for the day!). After that, I got to stand in awe of God's creation, as the sun came up over the horizon, lighting up the clouds. I had a warm home to come to and early spring flowers growing in the front garden. Then there was the extra special joy today knowing that all 4 of my sons were sleeping soundly at Jerry's house! As I drove by his house, I held out my hand and asked God to bless all those wonderful men in my life.

We didn't know what to get Michael for his 18th birthday on Monday, and since he has always been a hard working young man, he has pretty much everything he wants. He is very independent and has always been able to earn the money to get the extras he wanted. We really didn't have any idea what to get him for this special birthday. So we decided to bring his brothers home to celebrate the weekend with him. Jon and James flew in last night and due to the thunderstorms and the very late arrival times (after midnight), Jerry said he would get them at the airport. That way they could stay at his house and visit for awhile. It was supposed to be a surprise for Michael and it would have been except that Michael kept filling his weekend with commitments. He kept making appointments with people to give estimates on their landscaping jobs. When he told us he was also going to help his uncle at the fish fry at church tonight, I asked Jon, Jerry and Paul if we shouldn't maybe tell him, so he would not be gone the whole weekend! I wanted him to be able to have plenty of time with his brothers so it would be a memorable 18th birthday. We told him and he was really surprised. He was able to go with Jerry to the airport, which I was grateful for, since it was so late at night. That way Jerry would have someone with him in case he needed help.

So it is going to be The Guys weekend and I am so happy for Michael that he has something more special than anything we could get from a store!

Yes, Serenity Now. After thinking of those words this morning, I remembered I had heard them before and couldn't place where I had heard them. I knew I wanted to use the words as my title and as I was typing away, it came to me. It was an episode on Seinfeld, years ago. George Costanza's dad (Frank) was told by his doctor, that a good thing for him to do when he was in a situation that caused his blood pressure to flare up, was to say out loud, "Serenity Now". When his wife was doing something that was upsetting him, Frank yelled these words out really loudly. George asked him what he was doing and he told him he was to say it when he felt his blood pressure go up. George asked him if he was supposed to 'yell' it out like that. His dad responded that he wasn't sure, the doctor didn't say. So, throughout the episode Frank is yelling this out at just about every occurrence. I laughed at the rememberance of this show and then again when I remembered my sister Bev and I had mimicked it at our office. My job is very stressful and Bev's is demanding at different times of the year. We would see each other in the hallway or in the break room and if one of us was stressing, the other would say loudly, "Serenity Now!!" It would make us both break out in laughter and thus, serve its purpose.
Oh, what another huge blessing it is, having my sister working at the same place as me!

Yes, there is serenity now. Paul's appointments with Dr. Matthews and Dr. McLanahan really got my hopes up. They both were pleased to see how well Paul looks. He does walk very upright and while he has these severe headaches, they both stated it is just a matter of time before they will figure it out. Paul had his treatment for the nerve at Dr. Matthews and then we got some lunch. (I had wanted to take Paul to St. Patrick's Cathedral to show him where I had been going to Mass while he had been in the hospital. We weren't able to get there, as we were scheduled for the isotope study only 45 minutes after Dr. Matthews appointment. )

The most amazing thing about Dr. McLanahan is his humility. He is a well known neurosurgeon and people come from all over the U.S. to get help. Yet, when we were still sitting in the general waiting areaat the hospital, where we were to stay until the receptionist at the Nuclear Medicine waiting room called us, Dr. McLanahan came looking for us to let us know we would be called shortly. We had run about 10 minutes late ourselves, and Dr. McLanahan has enough to do to keep busy at that hospital, but he came to make sure we had made it. He sat and talked for a moment to Paul, asking him how he was doing. He said Paul's coloring was terrific and he looked so good. He even noted that Paul's hair sure does grow fast! Later, he met us in the room where the isotope study would be done. He tested the brain pressure and it was on the mark. He was very pleased about that. The test he was doing was to make sure the shunt was functioning............which was something I used to ask the previous doctors..........how do you know it is working? They told us to go home and wait to see if Paul felt better or worse and let them know. Those were such difficult days, where we had to 'wonder' if Paul's shunt was actually working. But with this study, they put a low grade amount of radioactive material into the reservoir of the shunt and see if it flows to the stomach cavity, where the overflow of brain fluid is supposed to empty. We met Dr. McLanahan back at his office a couple of miles away and he told us that the shunt is working very well. I asked him when we would know if the leak was truly fixed and he smiled just a little and said, "Well, if we could get the fluid to stop coming from Paul's nose, that would be a good sign." He said he was lowering the shunt setting to make sure the fluid goes out the shunt and if there is a leak, allow any portion of the opening in the bone to heal by itself. The additional xray taken has shown that the accumulation of fluid in the area where the surgery was done has cleared up, so if we continue to see fluid it is definitely brain fluid and may mean another surgery to get the leak closed for sure. Dr. McLanahan just seemed more hopeful after seeing Paul this time and his assistant, Julie, did also. They were very relieved to see the shunt is working, the brain pressure is good and the fluid accumulation has been absorbed. One by one, the variables will be checked off and the cause of the headaches will be found. The caring ways of these people has been amazing. Because we come from so far away, they truly accomodate us. They fit us in at both the hospital and Dr. McLananhan's office. We didn't have to wait any more than 15 minutes for the isotope study, the CT scan, the Xray. Paul and I left at 5 AM and got home at 8 PM. In that time, there was the 8 hour drive time, an hour long test at the hospital, an hour long test at Dr. Matthews, and an Xray and CT scan at Dr. McLanahan's. All of those things done in a 6 hour time frame! We used to be gone 14 hours just to get an Xray done at the local hospitals!! So all in all, it was a good day for us. The doctors have a lot of hope and they definitely showed it this time. Paul and I went home with full trust that God truly is working on "Paul's Project" and it appears we are 'trending upward'.

Paul has not had to take Lortab except for one time since the appointments. He was having to take it every 4 hours to keep his headaches down to a level of around 5 on a scale of 1-10. He went 7 hours yesterday without Tylenol and we are hopeful he will start to feel better each day. He went to his job again and worked a couple of hours. He should be able to get back to at least 4 hours per day this next week, along with his workouts at his personal trainer's home.
Michael mentioned to me that he heard a guitar being played and thought to himself, "Dad doesn't play like that" and he came down to find Paul playing his guitar almost like before! He said he was really surprised. We know that there are a lot of possibilities sitting right in behind those headaches and that once the headaches are cleared out of the way, Paul will come to light!

Jon, James and Michael walked in a little bit ago and to complete my 'Serenity Now' moment, I got to hug my sons before leaving for work. Truly, God has done great things for me.

"If you know how to suffer in silence, you will undoubtedly experience God's help. He knows when and how to deliver you; therefore, place yourself in his hands, for it is a divine prerogative to help men and free them from all distress." (Thomas Kempis)

Blessed are you, O God of the universe,
Giver of all good gifts.

Peace in Christ,
Jon and Rebecca

Paving the Way

Even though we have seen that Paul's headaches are on the rise in intensity of pain in the past week, he get's an A for effort!

Jerry, our friend and 'Life Saver' moved into a new house this week. He had Wednesday, Thursday and Friday off to get it done. Because he is truly an angel sent by God to our family, he of course picked up Paul each morning and went to Mass with him. Busy as he was, he kept Paul by his side. Paul in return, tried very hard to be of some help.

On Wednesday, Paul helped assemble the kitchen table and chairs that had been delivered. He stayed at it until his head started to hurt too badly. He went back and forth between the houses with Jerry, getting things in and out of Jerry's car. On Thursday, he was on hand when they delivered the furniture to the house. He was the first one checking out the recliner to make sure it was comfortable............smile. The big event of Thursday was when Paul and his dad carried in the queen size mattress and box springs. Paul asked that I 'spot' him while he carried it, making sure he didn't trip on anything he could not see. He has good strength in his body, which is a huge improvement over this time last year.

On Friday, he developed a much worse headache and was only able to help assemble a popcorn machine (it's an old time kind - a large glass top on a red metal base that has 2 large wheels). He also was the one who figured out how the home theater system worked for the large 50" flat screen TV. For the guys - these were the 2 most important tasks to be completed. Of course, it's going to be 'movie night' at Jerry's each Friday! Paul and Michael are really looking forward to that. Must be why Paul put in the extra effort getting the popcorn machine and theater set up. He started having really bad headaches on Friday morning and has gone downhill since.

His headaches are now staying at levels 7 - 8.5 and with little relief fromTylenol.
Yesterday, I had to stay home with him and I called the doctor to see if they would want to see him sooner than his next appointment. Since Paul is due for some tests on Wednesday in Charlotte, they said he can take Lortab until his appointment. Jon is home with him today.

Paul barely made it to church on Sunday morning and was in a lot of pain during the Mass. He went straight home and to bed. He had made plans with his friend Susan, to attend a free concert at the Rialto Theater where the GA State Orchestra was going to perform. He had really been looking forward to that and again, put out a huge effort to get there. We met Susan for lunch and then went to the concert. About 1/2 of the way through he asked if we had any Tylenol with us. We didn't because he wasn't due for any. He sat through the rest of the concert with his headache getting more painful. Afterward said he really enjoyed it, but he sure wished his head didn't hurt so much. As soon as we got home, he got into bed and that is where he stayed.

Once he got some Lortab yesterday, his headache level came down to a 5.5 and he was able to join us in the evening for dinner. We had a surprise party for Michael in the evening. He was a member of the Academic Decathalon at school and he won the medal for 2nd in state in Economics and 3rd in state for Speech. We were so proud of him and so we had his uncle and aunt over, along with Jerry and his parents for a very impromtu dinner celebration. I didn't want to let the opportunity go by without some fanfare! Michael has had to be in the background for too many moments this past year and 1/2. It was his turn. It's his senior year and we want to enjoy as much time as we can with Michael before he heads off to college in the Fall. Paul actually got up before the dinner and helped me get the table cleared and then set for company. He knew it was a surprise dinner for Michael, so he quietly helped me get ready for it. He saved the one dose of Lortab until right before dinner, so he could join us. My sister brought balloons and an ice cream cake as a surprise. Michael had no idea and it was a wonderful evening. It took my mind off how worried I have been about Paul's headaches. Having to wait until Wednesday has had my nerves on end. I am so concerned because Paul has not been down with headaches like this for a long time. Up until the surgery, he had been active most of the day. At the very least - he was not in bed all day. This past few days, it has reminded me of how we were last year at this time - Paul in bed most of the day. The one difference now is that he keeps struggling to get up and try to do something anyway. Sadly, he then has to lay right back down in pain. He keeps trying to be part of the family, but he can't hang on for very long before his head hurts more than before.

On Sunday night, he walked downstairs in the evening and he looked at me for a moment, then started to get tears in his eye as he asked me, "How much longer will I have these headaches? I hurt so bad and I want them to stop." He has really started to grow weary with all of this and the sad part is, I haven't any idea when it will end. I cannot answer his questions. I took him back upstairs and rubbed his back while we prayed the rosary. He asked that I either read him something prayerful or just pray with him, as the pain was so bad. To be honest - it's all I could think to do too. Jon and Michael joined us. It is the only thing that helps calm my nerves. Thanks be to God for the gift of prayer. It always brings me peace, as I know our prayers are answered even before we have asked. It helps me become centered on Jesus, one more time.

Please pray for Paul's continued strength while he carries his 'cross' during this season of Lent. I remember vividly how much worse he was last year at this time. He had been in the hospital with pneumonia and then the onset of hydrocephalus. While we have a better knowledge of hydrocephalus, we aren't much further ahead in progress it seems, in solving the complications of Paul's case. All I know is, we ARE one day closer to the answer and we have had everyone's prayers and kind deeds paving the way for us!

Please pray for the doctors who are working with Paul, that they may be graced with the knowledge needed to bring healing to Paul.

Thanks to all of you, from all of the Fidero's!

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Only You

The teachings of Christ were difficult to accept for many of those around him. Even though Jesus was physically in their midst, touching them, instructing them, a living example of holiness for them to see, there were many who withdrew and went their separate ways. When Jesus asked the twelve apostles, "Do you also wish to go away?" Simon Peter answered, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life; and we believe that you are the Holy One of God."

Jesus continues to ask each generation the same question - "Do you also wish to go away?"
It has been 15 months since the accident and I can honestly say that I understand how people could turn away from God in their difficult struggles, wondering where God was, and why were they allowed to suffer for so long. While 15 months may seem like a long time to us, it is a very short time in relation to the suffering of so many others. It is also a very short time in the whole scheme of things. Each day when Paul wakes up, I have a moment of expectancy that he will be free of his headaches, hopeful that the big day has arrived! Each morning, I find that he is still in very bad pain and there will be a long day ahead for him. Each morning, I can't help but feel disappointment for him. But, by the grace of God, I find myself immediately talking to Jesus, asking Him to provide the strength for all of us to turn it over to his loving care and to provide us once again, the grace to accept His answer for the day and offer everything up for the glory of God. I haven't a clue how long this recovery process will last, but since I have only today, I will answer the question Jesus possed to Peter with a 're-Pete'......."Lord, to whom shall we go?"

This response was again brought to light today after Mass. I found out that the message delivered by Pope Benedict on Ash Wednesday was a break from the traditional message of charity in this season of Lent. He spoke about the perfect example of God's love for us - Jesus Christ crucified.

"Dear brothers and sisters, let us look at Christ pierced on the Cross! He is the unsurpassing revelation of God's love, a love in which eros and agape, far from being opposed, enlighten each other.

On the cross, it is God himself who begs the love of His creature; He is thirsty for the love of everyone of us.

Jesus said: "When I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all men to myself. (Jn 12:32) The response the Lord ardently desires of us is, above all, that we welcome His love and allow ourselves to be drawn to Him. Accepting His love, however, is not enough. We need to respond to such love and devote ourselves to communicating it to others. Christ 'draws me to Himself ' in order to unite Himself to me, so that I can learn to love the brothers with His own love."

This message of Pope Benedict is a call for a greater converstion of our hearts and a greater awareness of God's love for us, so that in turn we will 'regive' that same love with them. We can share that love with those who are in most need.

This morning, Paul said that he is experiencing feelings of sadness about what he has lost. I told him that I was glad to hear him talk about it. Those feelings are valid and they are to be expected. I told him I would worry if he didn't experience them. He seems to be gaining more awareness of what all this means in his life. He has a clear understanding that he was asked by God to take a different direction in his life. But he is now experiencing more and more the weight of that change. He said he was not angry, just feeling very, very sad about what he has lost. After awhile, he came over to me and took my hand and started to pray that Jesus would heal his eye and help him with his music again and help him gain his strength back. He then spoke words that converyed what I had been contemplating these past 2 days.

"I come to you each and every day Jesus. I know I sin each day. And every day I tell you I am sorry for them. Every day I come to you for help about my headaches and my eye and my ear. Every day I ask for your help. I will keep coming to you every day, because you are the only one who can heal me. Amen."

Yes, Paul - Amen to that.

Jerry came to pick him up for Mass and he told Jerry they were running late. I told him it takes exactly 7 minutes to get there and I knew this because of so many mornings I have had to rush to get there on time. He didn't really believe me. About 4 minutes later, he called me and said they were at the light at Lake Lucerne, which is only about 1/2 way there and so he was right, it takes longer than 7 minutes. I asked him if he had prayed to St. Michael the Archangel to clear all obstacles in his way? He said, "As a matter of fact, I have not. I guess I will have to do that."
( I keep St. Michael very busy each day, asking for help with the lights to turn green as I approach or that the car in front of me would please make a right turn, etc. I even once asked for his assistance by praying that the priest would be about 3 mintues late starting the Mass so I would be on time. The church is kind of far away and traffic had been bad. When I got there, the priest was just walking to the doors at the entrance of the sanctuary and I said, "Oh praise be to God, my prayer was answered." He asked what my prayer was and when I told him he said, "You don't pray for things like that!" I said, "I did and you are!" I don't limit God or St. Michael ! ) Anyway, back to Paul - he spoke to me after Mass and he said it took them 8 minutes to get there. Jerry told me it was actually 7 minutes since they didn't leave the driveway until 9:04, not 9:03. Paul said that it was 9:03 when the car started, but that as they began to back up it turned to 9:04.
I considered that a win for St. Michael, as they arrived at church at 9:11 !
That gave them 4 minutes until Mass started....................plenty of time to sit and say thanks to St. Michael for a job well done!

Accuracy has become a big deal now that Paul is wearing a watch again........smile. How fun it will be when we get to post the exact time that the pain in Paul's head is gone.

God's blessings to all of you and your families. The intentions you hold in your hearts will be lifted up tonight as we pray the rosary.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

It's All Related

The big bonus on Wednesday was when they arrived at the doctor's office, they were a bit early and they saw Dr. Matthews before the scheduled appointment time. He told them that he and Dr. McLanahan had been in surgery together that morning and for some reason the two doctors were talking about Paul. When Dr. McLanahan found out that Paul was going to be in town, he told Dr. Matthews to have someone call over to the office and tell them to fit Paul into the schedule at Dr. McLanahan's office. We had an appointment scheduled on Tuesday, which we were told was the only opening in a very tight schedule. So to get this extra appointment in the same day was so wonderful. It meant we would not have to take another day off and drive up again 6 days later! The other huge blessing was that Paul's headaches had steadily increased and he was in a lot of pain. To have to have waited another 6 days would have made for a very long week for all of us. There are so many things to be concerned about when Paul's headaches are so severe and constant - over drainage of the brain fluid, infection, increased brain pressure, blockage of the shunt system. Paul was becoming more and more lethargic with each passing hour, so it was a good thing he was able to see both doctors. They did adjust the shunt again and said it would take up to a week before it would be working consistently at the new adjustment. The issue of brain fluid still leaking from the left nostril one to two times a day is still not conclusive of the leak not being completely repaired. It might be the accumulation of fluid behind the orbital area by Paul's left eye due to the surgery. It is probably working its way out through the sinus cavity. It will be so wonderful if that is the reason. It means no more major surgery! That is our daily prayer for Paul.

Dr. Matthews is working on the nerve stimulation and regeneration and we have about 6 more appointments for that process. I misunderstood when he told us that when the nerve is given this jump start, if the nerve were still intact we would see quick recovery. Actually, it will take longer than my interpretation of 'quick'. I had sent a long list of questions to Dr. Matthews and he told Jon to tell me the answer to all of them is, "It takes time - up to 6 months". He said it is too early to do the surgery to put the gold weight into Paul's eyelid - we need to wait to see if the nerve will start to do its job. It's too early to do the plastic surgery on Paul's lower eyelid or to expect the eye to be in place right away. And so we wait. I'm not kidding............we are getting so much better about this 'wait' stuff!! We are going to get a follow up appointment with the opthamologist here in Atlanta, so he can monitor the health of Paul's eye. The eyelid is still stitched closed and it concerns me about how the cornea is doing. I can barely get any of the eye gel in. Paul's eye is tearing a lot more, but he can go long hours in the day and not tear. I don't want to go wrong after all this time. Too many hours have been spent in the last 16 months keeping his cornea lubricated and healthy!! In the first 11 months, I was changing the tape and gel every 3-4 hours and was so happy to hear all that effort paid off with a healthy cornea, even though Paul's eye was not providing any fluid on its own. It is great it is tearing much more, but it isn't consistent.

Paul had a good weekend. He had a headache the whole time, but it was a low level one. He went with Jerry on some errands to get the things needed to take lunches and hot meals to the approximately 35 people who live under a bridge downtown. He helped make the lunches and then went down there with Michael and Jerry and met with some other people from our church. After that, they all went out to dinner.

Sunday morning, Paul was really wiped out, having gotten home after 10:00 PM on Saturday, so he slept while we went to morning Mass and he went at 6:00 PM with Jerry after Jerry got home from work. When he came in later, he was talking about musicians and got on line to show us a video of his favorite guitarist, John Petrucci. He becomes very animated when he talks about music and then he went to the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra's site and showed us the concert he hopes to attend very soon with his friend Susan. Jerry is taking him to a George Winston concert in March, so he went to that site and listened to the video of George Winston playing a classical piece. He then found Christopher Parkening (not sure that is spelled correctly) and listened to him playing the classical guitar. All this interest started after he had opened up a folder on his dad's computer with his name on it and it contained some music Paul had played before. There was a recording of a classical song he had recorded in his dorm room and sent to us one evening to critique. It was so beautiful and we had been so excited he was doing so well in college in the school of music. Hearing it again was so good. Paul remembered the piece and remembered why he had sent it to us - the particular part he wanted us to comment on. It was a variation on the piece and he heard a way to play it differently in his head and recorded it that way. Last night, there was a look in his eye as he sat listening to it again. He looked at me and then sighed a bit. He shook his head and said, "And I gave this all up to try my luck at being in a band and touring. What was I thinking of?" I reminded him that God gave him the gift of music and it will always be a place where Paul will find joy. He loves to listen to music, mostly classical and also Dream Theater (who are all classically trained). I told him that God may have 'laid him down in green pastures' so that Paul's focus would be on God and music may be a way that Paul will bring Him glory later on in his life. Paul smiled and said, "Maybe so."

Later, I was sitting by him and he was in a lot of pain. I silently prayed that he would never lose his focus on God, now that he seems so in 'tune' with Him. Even if he fully recovers, I prayed he would not move away from the spirituality he has gained. The world can pull us away from God if we aren't being watchful, as it is so subtle how we can drift away. I asked Mary to hold Paul closely to her heart and keep Paul in the Light of Christ, no matter where his life leads him. I hope when he regains more use of his brain and has greater independence, he doesn't leave what he has learned behind him. No more than 3 minutes later, Paul opened his eyes and prayed out loud that God would help take the pain away. He begged Him for some relief and then said that he hopes that even if he recovers, he will never lose his love of God. He knows he has changed in that way and he prayed he would not lose it after being made well. I was so shocked to hear him say out loud the very thoughts I had spoken in my mind moments ago to God. I know that God was letting me know He had heard me and He will answer my prayer. I know it to be true.
I told Paul how I had just finished praying for the same thing and he smiled and said, "Wow, you must be related to me somehow."

Everything that has happened to us is related ...............to God. Each day shows us some little sign of that.

God's peace and blessings to all our relations...........all of our Brothers and Sisters in Christ.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Return To Sender.........

Paul, Jon and Jerry head up to Charlotte again today for another round of nerve stimulation and pain management treatments. They will again give a low level electrical charge to the nerve that controls the facial movements as part of the process to jump start the nerve. They said that if Paul felt a warming sensation there was more hope about the outcome. He said he felt the warmth behind his ear and on his cheek. I am not sure how long the time frame is that we will see the results, if the nerve is truly going to function again. I was not able to go to the last appointment to ask all the questions I have, so I am sending Jon with a long list of questions this time. Since I was off work for 2 full weeks for the surgery, it is really difficult for me to miss any more work at this time. I am still trying to 'climb out of the hole' and catch up all the work from those 2 weeks.

Unfortunately, Mike, Jon and I have had really bad colds that now require antibiotics. We have been pretty worn down due to it. We are begging God to keep Paul 'cold free', as this strain has brought us really bad headaches and upper respiratory infections. I am concerned that Paul would have a much tougher time fighting this off, as his one lung took such a beating in the accident. He has had pneumonia twice before, along with a history of lung infections. It is truly the last thing he needs now.

For the first time ever, Paul finally stood in front of a statue of Jesus that he has in his room and begged God to take his head pain away. The level of pain has steadily gone up since he came home, and since Sunday night, they have remained around 7 - 7.5. Tylenol brings them down to around 5-6 pain level. He will do most things when the pain comes down a little, but he finally has admitted, he is growing very weary of having headaches all day, every day. He tood there praying for Jesus to heal him very soon as he is so tired of the pain. (I think if he just knew the day that it would be over, he would hang on. It's the uncertainty that he will ever have relief that is finally wearing him down.) He asks me everyday, "When did the doctors say my headaches will be gone? Every day I have to tell him that no one really knows, but they will continue to find the answers. That is our hope and strength - that these doctors are willing to keep at it until the answer is found. I found great comfort when Dr. McLanahan said, "When the dust all settles, we will have our answer." There are a number of variables that they have to rule out and it will take time. Dr. Matthews said it may be up to 6 months before they will have Paul's eye completely settled into the orbit correctly as there is swelling and bad muscle damage to that eye. I still have a lot of confidence in these doctors as they are known to stay with it until the answers are found. I spoke to Paul about how all of his suffering has a purpose. It will not be in vain. What we are called to is full trust that God hears us and knows Paul's pain and that it is being allowed to continue for things we may never know or fully understand. But it is never in vain as long as Paul continues to offer it up to God. While it may seem futile, I know God will grace Paul so abundantly for his continued acceptance of all this each day. I prayed with Paul for the strength and grace to keep saying yes to God's will, no matter what He asks of us. I told Paul that while we were not suffering the actual pain he was, we, as a family, suffer as we watch him go through this. We will remain by his side every minute and will pray unceasingly for everything Paul needs to keep saying, "Here I am Lord, your servant listens". We are now 15 months away from 11/11 and the blessings are inumerable. We have come to know and love so many people whose lives are beautiful examples of trusting in the Lord. God has brought so many awesome people into our lives! We have been called to a greater holiness in our daily living, a deeper awareness of God's unconditional love, more loving concern for others who are suffering and a full dependence on God's mercy and kindness. As Paul said this morning, he would not change anything about 11/11/05. He just asks that God help him in his pain.

Since the surgery, Paul has done so much more than ever before. His sensitivity to light has decreased, along with his sensitivity to sound. He had his favorite music, Dream Theater, playing fairly loud last Saturday as he cleaned his room. He asked Michael if he wanted to go to the movies later that afternoon. Michael didn't really want to, so Paul told him he would pay for the tickets and also pay for them to go to lunch! Michael told me later that he had a lot of things to do, but since this was the first time that Paul actually asked him to do something with him, he decided to go. They had a great time and it was so terrific seeing those 2 walking out the front door like they used to. Paul remained very active last week. He went along with Jerry, who had a lot of errands to do in preparation for his moving to a new house. He asked us to join him on walks, he visited the neighbors on his own, stayed up late each night talking to friends on the computer. He even found that there was going to be a classical guitarist giving a free concert at Georgia State this Friday night and made plans to attend. He called Jerry and asked him if he wanted to go also and told him that he would even pay for it. He really was enjoying those days right after he got home and we were really enjoying watching him. but Sunday night, the intense headaches came back and have been constant ever since. He has not been able to go to daily Mass nor work. I am very concerned that the leak was not completely fixed as we have the tell-tale sign of fluid coming down his left nostril again. It happens just about every day, at least once. Our next appointment with Dr. McLanahan will be next Tuesday and that is an appointment I won't miss.

Now that we have seen the glimmer of what Paul would do if he didn't have such bad headaches, we are keeping our hopes up that the answers are just a little way down the road. We know that he will be a lot more like the way he was..........and so much more in tune with God! Win, Win.

There is one thing I really hope will change. He was given a pair of brown velour warm up pants in his senior year, as a joke. It was a tradition handed down by his friend Brendan Hanrahan that this brown warm up suit was worn to school during your senior year. Brendan wore it, Paul wore it, James wore it and Michael too. Well, now Paul likes to wear the pants just about every day. He has become attached to these pants because they are so comfortable. I am happy he is so comfortable, but it causes the rest of us pain to see them worn out of our home!!! They are very ugly (sorry Brendan, they are!). I bought 2 other pair of warm up pants in the hopes Paul would move out of this mode, but it has not happened yet. So, today, he will head up to Charlotte in his brown velour pants and there will be no talking him out of it. Believe me, I tried. Really Paul, RETURN TO SENDER!! That' s okay - I won't be along on the ride where I would have to look at them..............smile. Fortunately, he still believes in wearing a suit to Mass on Sunday - yahoo!

St. Francis
"I beseech you not to look about you so much, but to keep your gaze fixed on the relationship between God and you. You will never see anything but goodness in God or neediness in yourself and you will see His goodness supplying your need and your poverty the object of His bounty and compassion."

Happy St. Valentine's Day too all of you. We send our love out to you and our prayers for you, up to heaven!
Love,
Jon and Rebecca