Bridge Over Troubled Waters

What a long time since I have been able to get a posting done!!! It is so disappointing when I don't have the time to do what I like most. So many times during this past week, I have wanted to quick jump on the computer and tell you what has been going on and share it all with you. I draw so much strength from this blog site and the comments and just knowing you are all out there cheering us on. Oh, that I had that much time!*I feel like I have been in the Sahara.............it's been a real desert for me lately. Emotionally, I have felt bone dry. The whole event of Paul’s accident and getting to where we are right now has been overwhelming lately. Maybe it is the extra burden of trying to live out my Lenten resolutions. In the past few days I have prayed earnestly for the strength to keep moving forward!

Then a truly blessed thing happened to me last night and today I feel strengthened again. I had a dream during the night and our family was on a houseboat in the middle of a lake. We were just floating out there and the boys were going to swim for a little while. They were all younger - about 3-9 yrs in age. Jon and I were busy telling Paul and Jon about being careful and I glanced over my shoulder to check on James and Michael. I didn't see them and turned around faster than you can imagine and screamed out their names as I spun around a full 360 degrees. They were not on the boat. They had fallen off in the few seconds we were not looking. We didn't know what side of the boat they had fallen off of, as there were no ripples or anything to mark the spot where they fell. I was frozen in fear and Jon dove in immediately to try to find them. My next instinct was to scream out to God. I must have screamed his name 8-10 times, all the while thinking He HAD to bring them back to me alive. It was the most desperate pleading I have ever done to God and the intensity with which I implored God to save them is finally what woke me up. As I woke up, I found myself still repeating His name. I was so thankful to realize it was a dream and I felt totally drained of energy. My most immediate thought after this were these words - "as intensely as you sought God, He DESIRES your love." I repeated the words again to myself, as I knew they were so meant for me. I thought how awesome and incomprehensible His love must be, because I know how intensely I was pleading for His help. In my dream, I was saying only the name of God - just yelling out His name with all my might as someone would yell out the word HELP, if they were at the bottom of a well and desperately needing someone to hear them. As desperately as I wanted God, He wants me MORE. Maybe He has been calling to me as intensely as I was calling Him. Maybe I haven't really been listening as well as He needs and He has had to increase the volume when calling me by name! What has really impacted me by this dream is that He desires each of us infinitely more and wants His children to be back home with Him. Our Father truly wants us to be with Him in the end and does not want to lose us. I want to use the rest of this Lenten season to be even quieter and listen with greater attention, to the direction in which He is leading me. He wants our attention all the time, because He is the one with the point and purpose for us. I don't want to be shown what He really desired of me, after I die and it is too late! That my folks, would be a REAL TRAGEDY!

Today, at Mass, I read something that was written by St. Dorotheus (565AD). His essay was about our conscience. “When God created humanity, He implanted in us something of His own divinity, in the way of a more ardent disposition, with a shining spark of reason to illuminate our minds and teach us the difference between good and evil. This is called conscience, which is natural law.” He speaks about how over time, man no longer obeyed the written law and fell farther away from God. “But since conscience was clogged and trampled on by humanity in general through successive sin, we needed the written law, we needed the holy prophets and we needed the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ to uncover and waken it, and to bring the buried spark back to life through the observance of His holy commands. So it is now up to us either to keep it buried, or to allow it to shine in us and illuminate us if we obey it. For when our conscience tells us to do something and we ignore it, and it speaks again and we still do nothing but trample on it, we finally bury it, and it can no longer speak clearly to us because of the weight pressing on it.” He talks about how we need to follow our conscience in the very small matters first, or we will not be able to adhere to it in the greater things. “ Both living a good life and living a life of sin grow from small beginnings, to end in either great good or great evil.”

How apropos that this essay would follow today’s readings and my dream. From Matthew 5:17 Jesus said to His disciples, “Do not think I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I have come not to abolish but to fulfill.” We are called to obey every commandment given to us by God, no matter how difficult. I believe that while I take time to be more quiet while listening for God to lead me, I will be very busy ‘shoveling’ the mound of dirt that has covered my conscience.

Paul had an appointment with Dr. Kaelin, at The Shepherd Center. I have to admit, I may have been cutting my nose to spite my face in not following up with this doctor last year. I felt that he had made a big mistake in not diagnosing the onset of hydrocephalus last February and I was very angry that they just ‘dropped’ Paul from the Pathways program. The one thing that lead us back to Shepherd was due to The Bridge Program, where they offer a year long follow up by a trained professional to make sure the families of brain injured patients find help and guidance. In the first few months after leaving Shepherd, we were like lost people at sea. We were trying to make decisions based on ignorance……..a very uncomfortable situation. Then, when Paul started the symptoms of hydrocephalus, he was totally misdiagnosed and then dropped out of the program with no real direction or help. When this kind woman called us to follow up, I basically dismissed her with all of my grievances and said we would find help elsewhere. Instead of taking my word for it, she kept calling each month to check on us. After a few months, I realized that maybe God was ‘sending me an oar’ and I started to talk to her and let her know everything we were doing to solve the complications of the hydrocephalus. She stayed very supportive and in December, suggested that I do a follow up appointment with Dr. Kaelin. I made the appointment but it was cancelled 2 times due to Paul’s needing to be in Charlotte. Finally, last Friday, we got to see Dr. Kaelin. He was very excited to see how Paul was progressing and talked to us about getting Paul back into the Pathways program. He doesn’t feel Paul needs much physical therapy, mostly would benefit from speech therapy. He said he wanted to arrange our coming there when he is at the facility itself and can talk to the therapists and the on-site physiatrist, who we really did like. He got all the information about the doctors Paul is seeing in Charlotte and hopefully can coordinate all the efforts. He mentioned that they will do some psych evaluations also, which will be very beneficial in determining the problem areas that will need to be addressed. We just didn’t understand that the Pathway program was only about rehabilitation……….not recovery. Paul was still in the early stages of recovery and probably was entered into this program prematurely. That is why it was not very successful and he was dropped from the program. Maybe we didn’t understand what they were saying, maybe they missed some important signs of the onset of hydrocephalus. I am going to trust in God and in my effort to hear His voice. I will not continue to ‘burn any bridges’ in regards to Paul’s rehabilitation. I believe God sent this kind woman, Shelley, from the Bridge Program, to truly be ‘the bridge over troubled waters’ in our life.

Paul’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. Matthews was cancelled so we won’t be going until next week. It works out better for us, as I am going to be leaving tomorrow afternoon for a mini-vacation until Monday with my sisters, Beverly, Kelly (totally more of a sister than just a sister-in-law !) and Mary Beth. We are going to meet at Topsail Island at Mary Beth’s home. Just the girls. Another ‘oar’ in the water from God!!!!

Jon will take Monday off instead of tomorrow so we have someone getting Paul to and from work and Mass. I can go and be rest assured Paul is in good hands each and every day. The perfect trio to partner up with him………..Jon, Jerry and Judy (Hufford).

We still are seeing the intermittent flow of fluid from Paul’s nose on the left side only. I will be so glad once they can completely confirm we don’t have another leak of brain fluid. We have a call in to the doctor to discuss this issue. We were told to use glucose strips to see if the fluid has any sugar in it, as that would mean it is brain fluid. We have not been able to find any of the strips they used in the hospital, so will see if they can supply more. Also, we want to see if they can do a frontal x-ray of Paul’s face to possibly see if there is still a hole in that same area.

This all reminds me of something that happened after the last surgery in Charlotte. We told the doctor that we noticed fluid coming from Paul’s nose about 5 days after the surgery. We were given these thin strips that had multi colored pad on it to use to see if it was brain fluid. The strips are very small and have about 6-8 little pads on it, all different colored. We were told that we needed to get some of the fluid on the uppermost pad, which was blue.
When we saw there was fluid or Paul noticed it, we were to touch the blue pad to the fluid. As it happened, I had gone back to the hotel to get a quick shower and Jerry was with Paul. Paul wanted to go downstairs the gift shop to get me a surprise while I was gone. While Jerry and Paul were checking out, Paul felt the fluid in his nose. He told Jerry it was coming down. Jerry was just about ready to sign his credit receipt and had to ask the clerk to wait for a minute. There were about 4-5 people behind them in line and Jerry had to stop the check out process so he could ‘catch’ some fluid on the tiny little blue pad. He put his wallet and credit card down, and bent back the strip to get the blue part touching the opening of Paul’s left nostril so he could get some fluid on it. He is shorter than Paul, so he was looking up into Paul’s nose and was maneuvering the strip into place, all the while holding up the line of customers. Jerry knew it was important to get a sample for the doctor and he didn’t want to miss the opportunity! When he got the sample on the strip, he signed his receipt, picked up his wallet and credit card with his right hand, making sure nothing touched the strip in his left hand, so it wouldn’t be contaminated. He had Paul hold onto his shoulder as they made their way back up to the 9th floor. He stopped at the nurse’s station and gave the strip to Paul’s nurse.

I don’t believe I have laughed so hard in years, as he told me about it. I was picturing how this all must have looked to the customers behind these 2 men – one with a shaved head and a scar from ear to ear, holding a stuffed dog (my gift) and the other one sticking a strip of paper into the bald man’s nose and saying “I’ve got it” and then scrambling to pick up his belongings and quickly leaving, One thing is certain…………….Jerry is the most loyal friend and ‘brother’ in the world!!! He is loved so much by our family. (Now that I think about it – he is the one who deserves the mini vacation.)

God bless all of you and thank you for all your prayers. They too have built a bridge over our troubled waters.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca