Battle Fatigue

Paul's surgery went very well and Tuesday morning we were having a great start. He woke early and got bathed, ate breakfast and he kept up his joking around with the nurse.

Around 10:30 A.M. another nurse came in to take out the external shunt tubing, as Dr. McLanahan felt comfortable that it would not be needed since the surgery seemed to bring Paul's headaches down, and he was feeling so well. It was a day for student nurses to come through and so we had 2 extra people in the room, along with our regular nurse. I have to admit, that while the senior nurse was doing the procedure of removing the tubing and then stitching the incision, I felt she should have been paying a little more attention to the procedure. Instead, there was a conversation going on about brain fluid and how you can tell in a severely injured person, whether it is brain fluid that is coming leaking from say the ear or the nose. After they left, Paul and I continued to talk and actually plan what we wanted to do for Jerry when he got there that evening, since it was his birthday. I quickly ran down to the gift shop and got cards (since ours were still at home - we thought we would be home sooner than it turned out) and put together a fun gift bag. We planned on me going out to get pizza from a near by Domino's as the birthday dinner.

I came back into the room and Paul stated his headache was climbing up there and asked if he could get some pain medicine. I called the nurse in and she gave him some Lortab, since his headache was kind of bad. I was disappointed about this turn downward, as he had been doing so well since the night before. The day spiraled downhill very fast after that. He asked for more pain medicine within an hour and a half. The nurse called the doctor's office and was told Paul could have a little stronger medicine for the pain. So they gave Paul a shot of Demerol. Only 1/2 hour later, he was asking for more medicine. I knew something was wrong at this point and called the nurse back in and asked that she call our doctor. She came back later and said that they told she to give a stronger dose of Lortab. I said I didn't think this was a good idea, that masking the pain was not what I wanted. By this time, the doctor's office was closed, so we had the on-call doctor through the night. By 5 PM I told the nurse I wanted the on-call doctor to be called and insisted we see someone in our room. Another physician's assistant came in (not our normal one) and I explained the events of the day to her. She ordered a CT scan. While we waited, Paul's pain had escalated to a 10, then with tears in his eyes, he said that it was a different kind of 10 and in his attempt to describe how bad it hurt, he finally whispered that it was a 13. He could hardly stand the pain and cried a couple of times as it hurt so badly. I was feeling so helpless and desperate for help. I asked God why this had to continue? What else did He need from us? I was crying myself, as I held Paul's hand. I was getting so angry about this whole thing, and feeling way too tired to handle this crisis. I had not gotten much sleep during the night as the staff comes in every couple of hours and there are loud speaker announcements all during the night. Also, Paul needed assistance with his bathroom needs. It had been a very long night and we were both really tired by 6 P.M. the next evening. I had tried to stay calm for Paul, but I was now so angry because of the whole thing going 'south' so quickly. We had not had time to recover from the long hours of the last 2 weeks in the hospital and the pain Paul had to suffer. I held his hand and we both just cried. I said I didn't know why God would allow this. Paul said that he was trying to offer his pain up, but he was hurting so bad.

When Jerry walked in about that time, he came over and gave me a hug and I was so relieved that we had 'fresh' back up help on board, that I let my guard down and just started to cry. I told him how bad Paul was hurting and we were still waiting for the CT to be taken. Jerry went to Paul and while he was encouraging Paul to hang in there, I called the doctor's office to try to get a message to the P.A. that we needed some help and quickly. She said she would check on her orders for a CT scan and within 15 minutes, someone came to get Paul. While we waited, Paul told Jerry he was so sorry that the birthday party was ruined. He asked me to at least give Jerry his little gift! We all got to laugh a little as Jerry went through the silly items. Jerry went down with him to let him know we were by his side and would not leave him.

The results showed that during the removal of the shunt tubing, a 'large amount' of air had been allowed to get into the ventricles. They ordered oxygen to be administered 24/7, alternating between a face mask and then the nostril attachment. This was to be done every 2 hours.
Again, we had a long night with this added duty. Paul started to run a fever, so they also had him use a breathing apparatus to blow into as hard as he could to help his lungs. The pain this caused was so hard to bear for Paul. The pain medicines weren't really helping him either. By morning, he said his pain level had come down to 9 and 10. At first I was relieved, but then looked at Jerry and said, "How sad is that - that we are happy his pain is DOWN to a 10!" The thought came to me about the incident at Virginia Tech. I thought that since it came to mind, maybe God needed our suffering to help the souls of those that died. I held Paul's hand and said that possibly God needed his intense suffering for the soul of the young man who did the killing. He was such a tormented person and maybe God allowed Paul's suffering to help atone for the soul of the man. I told Paul that while we can't possibly understand God's ways, we were being called to suffering for a reason. It didn't make the pain go away, but it gave us a focus. I told Paul that I would offer up my suffering for the mothers of all those young men and women - they must be suffering so intensely and if the pain we felt could be used for a purpose, we had to say yes. Paul told me that he had been thinking that satan wanted to wreck our family and that it could even get worse for us before it got better. He said he would offer up his pain for that young man, but he hoped it would not last long. We prayed to John Paul II and Blessed Mary and so many other saints and asked for their intercession. Asked them to pray for our strength, because we were so weak. I told Paul I was sorry I had not held up so well for him and had even gotten angry. Believe me when I say, I have a long way to go in the ways of Jesus. Funny thing, that is my sign on for my computer - Jesus, Teach Me Your Ways Today (I take the first letters of each word - I change my prayer each month). I had lost my temper with one nurse, as there had been a number of other mistakes that had happened - minor things. But it all added up and I just didn't have any more patience at this particular moment. I could handle all the little mistakes - we are all human and we make mistakes. But the big one just put me over the top as it caused Paul so much pain. I later apologized to her, explaining my fatigue and that she had caught the tail end of my frustrations. I felt upset that I had allowed myself to get caught in the trappings of satan and since we had sacramentals in the room, it was a contradiction in terms! Certainly not a Christ -like behavior. She was very kind and said she truly understood. (I was so thankful that she was our nurse the next night, as we had time to talk in more depth. She was very gentle and kind to Paul and I was glad God had given me a chance to reconcile with her.)

Paul's pain is slowly coming down. This turn of events has now caused his stay to be longer. He has to stay until next week sometime. Our doctor came in right away the next day and immediately apologized for the bad judgement call on his part. He felt the procedure could be done by a nurse, and he truly regretted his decision. This kind of development rarely occurs and he could not believe it happened to Paul. I told him that I was most especially sad because it appeared he had 'nailed' it with the surgery. We had some really great moments in the hours after the surgery. He said he felt it was going to be the turning point also and then he said that there was a good thing that had happened. The ventricle size had come down after this surgery. He said that is probably why we saw more of the 'old Paul' in those hours after the surgery. He said this would all be monitored and hopefully things will get back to normal, but it would take a while. When I asked how long, he said anywhere between a month and a week. I had a shocked look on my face and he jokingly said he had to say that - as this whole thing was so far fetched. He felt that sometime next week would be the time frame. My heart sunk at the thought of this. We had 'cabin fever' - all of us!!

I called Jon and we planned our next week's itineraries for coverage. My tour of duty would be over Thursday morning, Jerry was staying until Friday and Jon would pull a long shift through Monday. I had to get back to work and get things caught up.

Paul had a hard time saying goodbye to me yesterday morning at 4:30 A.M. We talked for a little while and prayed a lot more. He said that having Jerry there helped, as he loves him and appreciates how caring and loving Jerry is. I reminded him his dad was also on the way the next day. He smiled and said, "Yeah, it will be great to have Paps back. He is so funny, I love that guy so much. I love Jerry and you so much too. Thanks for staying with me."

My tour of duty is over for the time being, but my mind and spirit are still with Paul. I can't deny that coming home and being with Michael and Jon did me a world of good. I am thankful that I will be able to spend the next couple of days taking care of Michael. He needs his family just as much. He has been such an incredible trooper through all of this. 2 lengthy hospital stays in the past 3 months - and during his senior year. I have felt sad that we haven't been able to have the time we had with all of our other sons in their senior years. I know it has a point and a purpose, but I worry about Michael's emotional well-being too. I know my faith will carry me through all of this, and while I may lose battles, I won't lose the war. But Michael is young - it is tougher for him. He appears to be so brave and my prayer is that his faith will help him grow as strong as God needs him to be.

Keep us in your prayers, as we keep you in ours. Daily.

May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

PS - there is no way to put into words our love and appreciation for Jerry and his help. We could have lost our jobs by now, had he not helped take over so many of the days. But most importantly, it is his constant concern, love and incredibly thoughtful ways that he shows to every member of this family that have helped teach us the true Ways of Jesus!! Love in Action! His mother, Judy, has been helping to care for Abby-Cake (Paul's name for his dog) by bringing her over to her house to be with their dog Emma. She has been taking them for walks and making sure Abby isn't alone. Like mother, like son. Praise be to God.

Thank you for all of your encouraging comments - we love them and they really help us.
Paul read the blog yesterday and smiled as he read the comments. We even got to have the pizza birthday dinner!