I thought of this idea yesterday when I was talking to Michael about his graduation. I had received a letter from the school that explained what they do for the seniors at the Senior Breakfast. To mark the occassion, they ask that parents, teachers, and friends send letters to the graduates to congratulate them and encourage them about their futures. These letters are then given to the seniors at the breakfast and the morning is spent reading the letters. I have sent this message to all our family members and asked them to get their letters to me so I can get it to the high school by Friday, 5/4/07.
I know this has been an extremely difficult year for Michael, most especially since we were gone so much in January and then again in the last 3 weeks. We never seem to have as much time as we would like to spend with Michael in this most special year, just like we have done with all the other sons. I know Michael will expect his family to write letters to him, but I thought how great it would be to surprise him with letters from those of you who know him, and those of you who might only know of him through this site. So this is my special request - if you have a moment to quickly write a letter to him, please email it to me at
rafidero@bellsouth.net. I will print it and will enclose it in the envelope I will be turning in for him. I know he will be shocked to get letters from anyone other than his brothers/uncles/aunts/parents! He has really grown up so much in this last year and has accepted so much responsibility. He has rarely asked for our help and when we talked to him about it, he said he didn't want to be any burden to us, since we had so much to do with Paul. And he has truly flown under the radar this past year. He has taken care of his own needs and with all he does for himself, he truly has had a jump start on learning how be a success living away from home the first year of college! We could not be more proud of him and I thought this might be a great way to surprise him.
In case you are wondering, he does not read the blog very often. I asked him specifically before I posted this so it will be a surprise. He said he read the blog last week on Tuesday and Wednesday to see quickly how Paul was doing. Other than in times of emergencies, he said he has not really read it, since he knows what is going on with Paul. Plus, he hears all my thoughts in person...................smile.
Paul woke up today at 5:00 AM and talked to his dad for awhile. He went back to bed around 6:30, then he got up at 8:15 again to get ready to spend the day with Judy Hufford. His head pain is trending down, which is what we had hoped would happen. I talked to the doctor's assistant yesterday and they said that the air in the ventricles will take the better part of several weeks to be absorbed, but the headaches should come down. They will see him again on 5/15.
He took a mile long walk yesterday with Jerry, their dogs and Judy. They then came back to Jerry's for lunch. He has started to eat really well again, which will help him gain back his weight. He weighed himself and it looks like he lost 10-12 pounds. He was at 168 before, so he is still in a good range for weight. Last year at this time he was 124 lbs I believe. We are way ahead of the game in that area! He has also stopped taking the narcotic pain medicine and one Advil takes his pain to a very reasonable range. His headaches are now in the 6-7 range when his Advil wears off, so he is really starting to do much better. He should be able to start back to work easily by Monday. It will sure be good to get back on track. We can also get him scheduled to attend the program at Pathways, where they will assess his levels in areas of cognitive, emotional and physical well being. That reminds me about our conversation at dinner last night. I don't remember exactly what was said, but Paul responded with " since I am a vegetable, I would not know about that." We all laughed and then he pointed to the bowls of vegetables on the dinner table and said, "you know you are eating my siblings." It was the first time since he had been home that we have laughed that hard. Great medicine for us all.
I wanted to take the time today to thank everyone for praying for us so hard last week. We know that God is with us all, as He is with you in all ways. His love endures forever.
Our heartfelt love to each and everyone of you,
Jon and Rebecca
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Strumming Along..............
One of only 2 fond memories of the nineteen days at we spent at the hospital last month.
The other fond memory is leaving the hospital! That was a really tough time for Paul and
I have to say, he is recovering slowly, but surely. It really took the wind out of his sail having 3 surgeries in 2 weeks. He is starting to really function well again. This past week, he has gone to work everyday and his headache levels are down around 4-5. He is only having to take 1 Advil every 6 hours to take the edge off. He is definitely trending in the right direction.
Thanks be to God for His mercy and thanks be to God for all of your faithful prayers.
"In the desert I make a way." (Is 43:19)
Alleluia, Alleluia.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Tie A Yellow Ribbon ....
Jon called me mid morning on Monday and said that they were going to discharge Paul from the hospital and so they were waiting for the paperwork to be signed and the IV needle to be removed. He said he would call me when they were leaving so I would know about what time they would be home. At 2:15 I called him and he said they were still waiting for a wheel chair for Paul. He said he had checked with the nurse a while before and she said she had called for one. Jon had mentioned that Paul had been on a number of walks and they had taken a morning walk outside. I said that it was a shame they were running so late, and that they would be catching the Atlanta traffic jam after work. Jon said that since Paul was up and doing well, couldn't they just walk on out to the car? I said that they needed to be very careful and if Paul was that stable on his feet and wasn't dizzy or anything, that it seemed okay to just walk to the car. It was not a long walk. Jon asked Paul, "Hey, do you feel like busting out of this place?" I heard Paul say "most definitely" and so Jon said, "Then let's do it. Okay, we're out of here and I will see you in 4 hours."
I had gone home for lunch and on the way stopped and purchased yellow ribbons and balloons. I then stopped at Judy's house and gave her balloons for her mailbox and some for Jerry's, along with yellow ribbons to tie on the trees in their front yard. I then dashed home and decorated our yard with the same. After work, Jerry, Judy and I were buying things to cook for dinner - Paul's favorites - steak, potatoes, zuccini and salad. Judy made a fresh cake too. I called Jon and told him to give me a call as soon as they drove into the neighborhood so we could be outside. When the cell phone rang, we all gathered outside. Front and center was Abby and Emma with big yellow bows around their necks. Paul got out and of course went to his dog first! I gave him some dog biscuits to hand to Abby and Emma as treats. Jerry and I were snapping pictures while he played with the dogs. He then got up and hugged the humans who were waiting for him! It was so much fun to see him looking so well, albeit thinner. He stayed headache free for a few hours, then the pain started to come back later on and Jon took him home. I got home a little after that and stood in Paul's doorway just looking in at him sleeping on his own bed. The house was so quiet and it was such a peaceful moment for us all. Jon was already sleeping too. It had been a very long day for both of them. I thought back on all the noise and chaos in that hospital and just stood there and relished the thoughts of Paul getting a long and undisturbed night's sleep. When I crawled into bed, I don't think I was awake for more than 2 mintues. I don't remember getting past a couple of Hail Mary's that I was saying in thanksgiving for this day.
Paul walked into our room at 5:30 this morning. He had already been downstairs to see his dad and he took his morning medicine then came back up to my room. He laid down and it woke me up. I asked him how much he enjoyed getting into his own bed the night before and he chuckled and said as he climbed into that king size bed, all he said was, "Oh yeah". We talked for a little bit, but I fell back asleep until 7:00. Paul had fallen back asleep too and right below him on the floor was his loyal and loving dog, Abby.
Paul is wiped out from his stay. He has lost weight and strength. He is back to talking in short sentences as he has to get his breath more often. He has some work ahead of hiim to regain what he lost after 3 weeks in bed. His diet was not very good either - he never really felt like eating. So, this morning I got out the juicer and made a fresh fruit smoothie and brought it up to him with all of his vitamins. I told him I was putting him on the fast track for his overall health and to please finish the whole smoothie. He said, "So we are back to this" and I replied with great cheer "You betcha. We want to see you back up and living your life to the fullest. We'll get you there." As he drank, I asked God to bless us as we walk through this day.
I have found someone who knows how to convert the pictures I have to a format that this site will accept. I hope to learn how to get pictures on this site with greater ease - I am sure I have made it way more complicated than it is. No surprises there.
May the peace that comes from the love of Jesus, be with you all today.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
I had gone home for lunch and on the way stopped and purchased yellow ribbons and balloons. I then stopped at Judy's house and gave her balloons for her mailbox and some for Jerry's, along with yellow ribbons to tie on the trees in their front yard. I then dashed home and decorated our yard with the same. After work, Jerry, Judy and I were buying things to cook for dinner - Paul's favorites - steak, potatoes, zuccini and salad. Judy made a fresh cake too. I called Jon and told him to give me a call as soon as they drove into the neighborhood so we could be outside. When the cell phone rang, we all gathered outside. Front and center was Abby and Emma with big yellow bows around their necks. Paul got out and of course went to his dog first! I gave him some dog biscuits to hand to Abby and Emma as treats. Jerry and I were snapping pictures while he played with the dogs. He then got up and hugged the humans who were waiting for him! It was so much fun to see him looking so well, albeit thinner. He stayed headache free for a few hours, then the pain started to come back later on and Jon took him home. I got home a little after that and stood in Paul's doorway just looking in at him sleeping on his own bed. The house was so quiet and it was such a peaceful moment for us all. Jon was already sleeping too. It had been a very long day for both of them. I thought back on all the noise and chaos in that hospital and just stood there and relished the thoughts of Paul getting a long and undisturbed night's sleep. When I crawled into bed, I don't think I was awake for more than 2 mintues. I don't remember getting past a couple of Hail Mary's that I was saying in thanksgiving for this day.
Paul walked into our room at 5:30 this morning. He had already been downstairs to see his dad and he took his morning medicine then came back up to my room. He laid down and it woke me up. I asked him how much he enjoyed getting into his own bed the night before and he chuckled and said as he climbed into that king size bed, all he said was, "Oh yeah". We talked for a little bit, but I fell back asleep until 7:00. Paul had fallen back asleep too and right below him on the floor was his loyal and loving dog, Abby.
Paul is wiped out from his stay. He has lost weight and strength. He is back to talking in short sentences as he has to get his breath more often. He has some work ahead of hiim to regain what he lost after 3 weeks in bed. His diet was not very good either - he never really felt like eating. So, this morning I got out the juicer and made a fresh fruit smoothie and brought it up to him with all of his vitamins. I told him I was putting him on the fast track for his overall health and to please finish the whole smoothie. He said, "So we are back to this" and I replied with great cheer "You betcha. We want to see you back up and living your life to the fullest. We'll get you there." As he drank, I asked God to bless us as we walk through this day.
I have found someone who knows how to convert the pictures I have to a format that this site will accept. I hope to learn how to get pictures on this site with greater ease - I am sure I have made it way more complicated than it is. No surprises there.
May the peace that comes from the love of Jesus, be with you all today.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Monday, April 23, 2007
Country Roads, Take Me Home
I started Friday with writing the last posting and then got ready for work. When I got there, my sister asked me if I had worn my orange shirt because of it being Virginia Tech day. I didn't know what she meant and she told me that the news stations had asked everyone to wear orange and maroon on Friday to show our support. I had actually almost worn my pink sweatshirt and had at the last minute, thought about wearing something more light weight. The orange blouse was the first in line as I walked back into my closet and so I grabbed it and put it on. I said that I didn't know about it, but was so glad I had been led to wear it! I asked Bev if she had seen the blog, becasue I had written about the fact that while Paul and I were each trying to handle our physical/emotional pain with prayer, it had very clearly come to me to offer it all up for everyone who was involved in that tragedy. She said she hadn't read it yet and at that moment, another woman in our office (Pam) asked Bev and I to come to her desk. She wanted us to see what her mother had just sent her. It was the picture we had taken last Fall of the moth butterfly that had a cross design on its back. I think I wrote about this before, but it was right before we were going to Savannah to see a new doctor and as we left the building, Pam noticed this very small moth in the parking lot with the unusual cross design on its wings. I was amazed she even noticed it, as it was so small. The 3 of us stood there and looked, very impressed with the distinct cross design. Before I could get a picture with my cell phone, it flew into the woods nearby. I really wanted to get a picture of it, so Bev and I went into the area where we saw it fly. We actually were able to spot it again and I took a picture of it on my cell phone, which is still saved on it. I couldn't get the picture to transfer off my phone and was disappointed about that. But what was even more amazing about all this was that Pam saw the moth again the next morning at the back door of our building, so she took a good picture of it! She sent it to her mother and others who would really appreciate the fact that it had such a distinct cross design. Now, in the Spring, her mother remembered the picture and sent it back to Pam and asked if she noticed how the full design on the back of the moth had a V and a T?
The outline of the moth was lined in a black V and the middle of the moth was the T. Her mother thought that it was so unusual that what we had seen so many months before, was now tying in so much with what had happened. Here's the kicker...........Pam, Bev and I ALL had on orange shirts and not ONE of us knew previously that the media was asking people to do it to honor the families at VT. And the fact that Pam's mother sent this picture back this very morning, I had no trouble believing that God had sent me confirmation that Paul and I were indeed supposed to offer up every pain we had been experiencing for this very reason. I remember how the stress of that day eased immediately after I got that very clear thought in my head to pray and offer up our pain for all those victims and their families.
Another Godincidence!
I woke up Saturday morning and opened my laptop and I noticed the time. It was 8:39 and I realized that I had slept so much longer than usual ! I jumped up and ran to get ready for the 9:00 AM Mass. The Mass was starting 5 minutes late, so I got there just in the nick of time - Yahoo! After Mass, I stopped to talk to Mark Palmquist and he asked if I was going on the rosary walk that day. I said I had forgotten, but was so happy I was home for it and that I would go. I thought it was going to be in the afternoon, but it was supposed to start after this Mass. I told him to wait for me, I would meet them at Stone Mountain after I ran home to get my tennis shoes. I was really appreciative that I had not missed this! Even more especially because I was sent another little 'visual aid' that my prayers were being heard. As we were on a pathway, the 3 people in our group who were ahead of me had walked right by/over a red rose laying on the pathway! I noticed it immediately and stooped to pick it up. About 5 minutes before, my mind wandered a bit as we were reciting the Glorious Mysteries and I thought about all the saints I had prayed to and started to thank them in my mind. I included St. Therese, the Little Flower. Then, to find a red rose on the pathway amazed me and thrilled me! When I showed Patty, she asked me where I found it. I said, "Didn't you see it - I just picked it up on the pathway - You just walked over it?" She said she had not noticed it at all ! I guess she was looking up, but 2 other people also went by/over it. I thanked God and St. Therese for the beautiful gift in my day.
More? You want more??? Okay.
I went to the 8:30 AM Mass with Michael and as the Mass began, the Mass intention was announced. "This Mass is being offered for the intentions of Rebecca Fidero." Mike and I looked at each other and smiled. Jon gave me 3 Masses as part of my Christmas present, and this must have been one of them! I had completely lost track of them with all that has gone on since Christmas. What a huge surprise that was. Patty and Mark Palmquist were right behind us and right after Mass, Patty leaned over and asked me if I had remembered that it was my day to go to Adoration at 4 PM. The women of our prayer group take turns for this hour of Adoration. I had not, so it was another sweet surprise for me. In a weekend where I was so exhausted, I was able to have 3 very beautiful events to take part in - the Rosary Walk, which I have loved being part of all these past years, my own special Mass and then my Hour of Adoration. Let me tell you - my spirit has been renewed and filled to the brim - Praise be to God.
To top it off, we got a call last night from Paul. The first call I have received from him in a long time. He was well enough to make some phone calls and he called me and Jerry and Jerry's mother to let us know he was feeling really well. In fact, he had high hopes that they were going to release him today (Monday). That means I won't need to drive back up there and we will have a full house tonight! He had been so wiped out and yesterday, in a desperate attempt to get him to work harder at eating more, drinking more fluids and getting more movement out of bed, I told him just how bad Abby has been acting. She has been very listless and when I mention Paul's name, she doesn't even lift her head anymore. I tell her Paul is coming home soon and she looks at me, but doesn't get at all excited like she used to when I would say Paul's name. Before, she would run into each room and look for him. This weekend, she acts like she just doesn't believe it anymore. When I told Paul this, he got very sad. His dad got on the phone and asked me what the heck did I just say to him! I told him that I was desperate to give Paul a reason to put in a huge effort at getting better. He has not been eating much, gets angry when we try to get him to drink more fluids to help flush out all that medicine and has not done a lot of walking around, which the doctor had said he wanted to see. I told him I thought that maybe he would get a 'jump start' if he had a purpose! Call it "Emotional Rescue". ........
Well - I guessed right, because he was very chipper last night, and he and his dad had actually taken a walk OUTSIDE the hospital on the sidewalk around the building!!!! And, the doctor mentioned that if he was feeling better, he might be able to come home today.
Thank you dear Jesus! I have high hopes he will make it home today, but if not, most certainly by Tuesday. Take those Country Roads home Paul !!
I couldn't load the pictures I have - they have to be in a different format - but will find the expert who can do this for me and will post them soon. I will put on the picture of the Cross Moth and Paul playing the guitar in his hospital bed.
May you be blessed today with all the graces needed to do God's will.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
The outline of the moth was lined in a black V and the middle of the moth was the T. Her mother thought that it was so unusual that what we had seen so many months before, was now tying in so much with what had happened. Here's the kicker...........Pam, Bev and I ALL had on orange shirts and not ONE of us knew previously that the media was asking people to do it to honor the families at VT. And the fact that Pam's mother sent this picture back this very morning, I had no trouble believing that God had sent me confirmation that Paul and I were indeed supposed to offer up every pain we had been experiencing for this very reason. I remember how the stress of that day eased immediately after I got that very clear thought in my head to pray and offer up our pain for all those victims and their families.
Another Godincidence!
I woke up Saturday morning and opened my laptop and I noticed the time. It was 8:39 and I realized that I had slept so much longer than usual ! I jumped up and ran to get ready for the 9:00 AM Mass. The Mass was starting 5 minutes late, so I got there just in the nick of time - Yahoo! After Mass, I stopped to talk to Mark Palmquist and he asked if I was going on the rosary walk that day. I said I had forgotten, but was so happy I was home for it and that I would go. I thought it was going to be in the afternoon, but it was supposed to start after this Mass. I told him to wait for me, I would meet them at Stone Mountain after I ran home to get my tennis shoes. I was really appreciative that I had not missed this! Even more especially because I was sent another little 'visual aid' that my prayers were being heard. As we were on a pathway, the 3 people in our group who were ahead of me had walked right by/over a red rose laying on the pathway! I noticed it immediately and stooped to pick it up. About 5 minutes before, my mind wandered a bit as we were reciting the Glorious Mysteries and I thought about all the saints I had prayed to and started to thank them in my mind. I included St. Therese, the Little Flower. Then, to find a red rose on the pathway amazed me and thrilled me! When I showed Patty, she asked me where I found it. I said, "Didn't you see it - I just picked it up on the pathway - You just walked over it?" She said she had not noticed it at all ! I guess she was looking up, but 2 other people also went by/over it. I thanked God and St. Therese for the beautiful gift in my day.
More? You want more??? Okay.
I went to the 8:30 AM Mass with Michael and as the Mass began, the Mass intention was announced. "This Mass is being offered for the intentions of Rebecca Fidero." Mike and I looked at each other and smiled. Jon gave me 3 Masses as part of my Christmas present, and this must have been one of them! I had completely lost track of them with all that has gone on since Christmas. What a huge surprise that was. Patty and Mark Palmquist were right behind us and right after Mass, Patty leaned over and asked me if I had remembered that it was my day to go to Adoration at 4 PM. The women of our prayer group take turns for this hour of Adoration. I had not, so it was another sweet surprise for me. In a weekend where I was so exhausted, I was able to have 3 very beautiful events to take part in - the Rosary Walk, which I have loved being part of all these past years, my own special Mass and then my Hour of Adoration. Let me tell you - my spirit has been renewed and filled to the brim - Praise be to God.
To top it off, we got a call last night from Paul. The first call I have received from him in a long time. He was well enough to make some phone calls and he called me and Jerry and Jerry's mother to let us know he was feeling really well. In fact, he had high hopes that they were going to release him today (Monday). That means I won't need to drive back up there and we will have a full house tonight! He had been so wiped out and yesterday, in a desperate attempt to get him to work harder at eating more, drinking more fluids and getting more movement out of bed, I told him just how bad Abby has been acting. She has been very listless and when I mention Paul's name, she doesn't even lift her head anymore. I tell her Paul is coming home soon and she looks at me, but doesn't get at all excited like she used to when I would say Paul's name. Before, she would run into each room and look for him. This weekend, she acts like she just doesn't believe it anymore. When I told Paul this, he got very sad. His dad got on the phone and asked me what the heck did I just say to him! I told him that I was desperate to give Paul a reason to put in a huge effort at getting better. He has not been eating much, gets angry when we try to get him to drink more fluids to help flush out all that medicine and has not done a lot of walking around, which the doctor had said he wanted to see. I told him I thought that maybe he would get a 'jump start' if he had a purpose! Call it "Emotional Rescue". ........
Well - I guessed right, because he was very chipper last night, and he and his dad had actually taken a walk OUTSIDE the hospital on the sidewalk around the building!!!! And, the doctor mentioned that if he was feeling better, he might be able to come home today.
Thank you dear Jesus! I have high hopes he will make it home today, but if not, most certainly by Tuesday. Take those Country Roads home Paul !!
I couldn't load the pictures I have - they have to be in a different format - but will find the expert who can do this for me and will post them soon. I will put on the picture of the Cross Moth and Paul playing the guitar in his hospital bed.
May you be blessed today with all the graces needed to do God's will.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Friday, April 20, 2007
Battle Fatigue
Paul's surgery went very well and Tuesday morning we were having a great start. He woke early and got bathed, ate breakfast and he kept up his joking around with the nurse.
Around 10:30 A.M. another nurse came in to take out the external shunt tubing, as Dr. McLanahan felt comfortable that it would not be needed since the surgery seemed to bring Paul's headaches down, and he was feeling so well. It was a day for student nurses to come through and so we had 2 extra people in the room, along with our regular nurse. I have to admit, that while the senior nurse was doing the procedure of removing the tubing and then stitching the incision, I felt she should have been paying a little more attention to the procedure. Instead, there was a conversation going on about brain fluid and how you can tell in a severely injured person, whether it is brain fluid that is coming leaking from say the ear or the nose. After they left, Paul and I continued to talk and actually plan what we wanted to do for Jerry when he got there that evening, since it was his birthday. I quickly ran down to the gift shop and got cards (since ours were still at home - we thought we would be home sooner than it turned out) and put together a fun gift bag. We planned on me going out to get pizza from a near by Domino's as the birthday dinner.
I came back into the room and Paul stated his headache was climbing up there and asked if he could get some pain medicine. I called the nurse in and she gave him some Lortab, since his headache was kind of bad. I was disappointed about this turn downward, as he had been doing so well since the night before. The day spiraled downhill very fast after that. He asked for more pain medicine within an hour and a half. The nurse called the doctor's office and was told Paul could have a little stronger medicine for the pain. So they gave Paul a shot of Demerol. Only 1/2 hour later, he was asking for more medicine. I knew something was wrong at this point and called the nurse back in and asked that she call our doctor. She came back later and said that they told she to give a stronger dose of Lortab. I said I didn't think this was a good idea, that masking the pain was not what I wanted. By this time, the doctor's office was closed, so we had the on-call doctor through the night. By 5 PM I told the nurse I wanted the on-call doctor to be called and insisted we see someone in our room. Another physician's assistant came in (not our normal one) and I explained the events of the day to her. She ordered a CT scan. While we waited, Paul's pain had escalated to a 10, then with tears in his eyes, he said that it was a different kind of 10 and in his attempt to describe how bad it hurt, he finally whispered that it was a 13. He could hardly stand the pain and cried a couple of times as it hurt so badly. I was feeling so helpless and desperate for help. I asked God why this had to continue? What else did He need from us? I was crying myself, as I held Paul's hand. I was getting so angry about this whole thing, and feeling way too tired to handle this crisis. I had not gotten much sleep during the night as the staff comes in every couple of hours and there are loud speaker announcements all during the night. Also, Paul needed assistance with his bathroom needs. It had been a very long night and we were both really tired by 6 P.M. the next evening. I had tried to stay calm for Paul, but I was now so angry because of the whole thing going 'south' so quickly. We had not had time to recover from the long hours of the last 2 weeks in the hospital and the pain Paul had to suffer. I held his hand and we both just cried. I said I didn't know why God would allow this. Paul said that he was trying to offer his pain up, but he was hurting so bad.
When Jerry walked in about that time, he came over and gave me a hug and I was so relieved that we had 'fresh' back up help on board, that I let my guard down and just started to cry. I told him how bad Paul was hurting and we were still waiting for the CT to be taken. Jerry went to Paul and while he was encouraging Paul to hang in there, I called the doctor's office to try to get a message to the P.A. that we needed some help and quickly. She said she would check on her orders for a CT scan and within 15 minutes, someone came to get Paul. While we waited, Paul told Jerry he was so sorry that the birthday party was ruined. He asked me to at least give Jerry his little gift! We all got to laugh a little as Jerry went through the silly items. Jerry went down with him to let him know we were by his side and would not leave him.
The results showed that during the removal of the shunt tubing, a 'large amount' of air had been allowed to get into the ventricles. They ordered oxygen to be administered 24/7, alternating between a face mask and then the nostril attachment. This was to be done every 2 hours.
Again, we had a long night with this added duty. Paul started to run a fever, so they also had him use a breathing apparatus to blow into as hard as he could to help his lungs. The pain this caused was so hard to bear for Paul. The pain medicines weren't really helping him either. By morning, he said his pain level had come down to 9 and 10. At first I was relieved, but then looked at Jerry and said, "How sad is that - that we are happy his pain is DOWN to a 10!" The thought came to me about the incident at Virginia Tech. I thought that since it came to mind, maybe God needed our suffering to help the souls of those that died. I held Paul's hand and said that possibly God needed his intense suffering for the soul of the young man who did the killing. He was such a tormented person and maybe God allowed Paul's suffering to help atone for the soul of the man. I told Paul that while we can't possibly understand God's ways, we were being called to suffering for a reason. It didn't make the pain go away, but it gave us a focus. I told Paul that I would offer up my suffering for the mothers of all those young men and women - they must be suffering so intensely and if the pain we felt could be used for a purpose, we had to say yes. Paul told me that he had been thinking that satan wanted to wreck our family and that it could even get worse for us before it got better. He said he would offer up his pain for that young man, but he hoped it would not last long. We prayed to John Paul II and Blessed Mary and so many other saints and asked for their intercession. Asked them to pray for our strength, because we were so weak. I told Paul I was sorry I had not held up so well for him and had even gotten angry. Believe me when I say, I have a long way to go in the ways of Jesus. Funny thing, that is my sign on for my computer - Jesus, Teach Me Your Ways Today (I take the first letters of each word - I change my prayer each month). I had lost my temper with one nurse, as there had been a number of other mistakes that had happened - minor things. But it all added up and I just didn't have any more patience at this particular moment. I could handle all the little mistakes - we are all human and we make mistakes. But the big one just put me over the top as it caused Paul so much pain. I later apologized to her, explaining my fatigue and that she had caught the tail end of my frustrations. I felt upset that I had allowed myself to get caught in the trappings of satan and since we had sacramentals in the room, it was a contradiction in terms! Certainly not a Christ -like behavior. She was very kind and said she truly understood. (I was so thankful that she was our nurse the next night, as we had time to talk in more depth. She was very gentle and kind to Paul and I was glad God had given me a chance to reconcile with her.)
Paul's pain is slowly coming down. This turn of events has now caused his stay to be longer. He has to stay until next week sometime. Our doctor came in right away the next day and immediately apologized for the bad judgement call on his part. He felt the procedure could be done by a nurse, and he truly regretted his decision. This kind of development rarely occurs and he could not believe it happened to Paul. I told him that I was most especially sad because it appeared he had 'nailed' it with the surgery. We had some really great moments in the hours after the surgery. He said he felt it was going to be the turning point also and then he said that there was a good thing that had happened. The ventricle size had come down after this surgery. He said that is probably why we saw more of the 'old Paul' in those hours after the surgery. He said this would all be monitored and hopefully things will get back to normal, but it would take a while. When I asked how long, he said anywhere between a month and a week. I had a shocked look on my face and he jokingly said he had to say that - as this whole thing was so far fetched. He felt that sometime next week would be the time frame. My heart sunk at the thought of this. We had 'cabin fever' - all of us!!
I called Jon and we planned our next week's itineraries for coverage. My tour of duty would be over Thursday morning, Jerry was staying until Friday and Jon would pull a long shift through Monday. I had to get back to work and get things caught up.
Paul had a hard time saying goodbye to me yesterday morning at 4:30 A.M. We talked for a little while and prayed a lot more. He said that having Jerry there helped, as he loves him and appreciates how caring and loving Jerry is. I reminded him his dad was also on the way the next day. He smiled and said, "Yeah, it will be great to have Paps back. He is so funny, I love that guy so much. I love Jerry and you so much too. Thanks for staying with me."
My tour of duty is over for the time being, but my mind and spirit are still with Paul. I can't deny that coming home and being with Michael and Jon did me a world of good. I am thankful that I will be able to spend the next couple of days taking care of Michael. He needs his family just as much. He has been such an incredible trooper through all of this. 2 lengthy hospital stays in the past 3 months - and during his senior year. I have felt sad that we haven't been able to have the time we had with all of our other sons in their senior years. I know it has a point and a purpose, but I worry about Michael's emotional well-being too. I know my faith will carry me through all of this, and while I may lose battles, I won't lose the war. But Michael is young - it is tougher for him. He appears to be so brave and my prayer is that his faith will help him grow as strong as God needs him to be.
Keep us in your prayers, as we keep you in ours. Daily.
May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
PS - there is no way to put into words our love and appreciation for Jerry and his help. We could have lost our jobs by now, had he not helped take over so many of the days. But most importantly, it is his constant concern, love and incredibly thoughtful ways that he shows to every member of this family that have helped teach us the true Ways of Jesus!! Love in Action! His mother, Judy, has been helping to care for Abby-Cake (Paul's name for his dog) by bringing her over to her house to be with their dog Emma. She has been taking them for walks and making sure Abby isn't alone. Like mother, like son. Praise be to God.
Thank you for all of your encouraging comments - we love them and they really help us.
Paul read the blog yesterday and smiled as he read the comments. We even got to have the pizza birthday dinner!
Around 10:30 A.M. another nurse came in to take out the external shunt tubing, as Dr. McLanahan felt comfortable that it would not be needed since the surgery seemed to bring Paul's headaches down, and he was feeling so well. It was a day for student nurses to come through and so we had 2 extra people in the room, along with our regular nurse. I have to admit, that while the senior nurse was doing the procedure of removing the tubing and then stitching the incision, I felt she should have been paying a little more attention to the procedure. Instead, there was a conversation going on about brain fluid and how you can tell in a severely injured person, whether it is brain fluid that is coming leaking from say the ear or the nose. After they left, Paul and I continued to talk and actually plan what we wanted to do for Jerry when he got there that evening, since it was his birthday. I quickly ran down to the gift shop and got cards (since ours were still at home - we thought we would be home sooner than it turned out) and put together a fun gift bag. We planned on me going out to get pizza from a near by Domino's as the birthday dinner.
I came back into the room and Paul stated his headache was climbing up there and asked if he could get some pain medicine. I called the nurse in and she gave him some Lortab, since his headache was kind of bad. I was disappointed about this turn downward, as he had been doing so well since the night before. The day spiraled downhill very fast after that. He asked for more pain medicine within an hour and a half. The nurse called the doctor's office and was told Paul could have a little stronger medicine for the pain. So they gave Paul a shot of Demerol. Only 1/2 hour later, he was asking for more medicine. I knew something was wrong at this point and called the nurse back in and asked that she call our doctor. She came back later and said that they told she to give a stronger dose of Lortab. I said I didn't think this was a good idea, that masking the pain was not what I wanted. By this time, the doctor's office was closed, so we had the on-call doctor through the night. By 5 PM I told the nurse I wanted the on-call doctor to be called and insisted we see someone in our room. Another physician's assistant came in (not our normal one) and I explained the events of the day to her. She ordered a CT scan. While we waited, Paul's pain had escalated to a 10, then with tears in his eyes, he said that it was a different kind of 10 and in his attempt to describe how bad it hurt, he finally whispered that it was a 13. He could hardly stand the pain and cried a couple of times as it hurt so badly. I was feeling so helpless and desperate for help. I asked God why this had to continue? What else did He need from us? I was crying myself, as I held Paul's hand. I was getting so angry about this whole thing, and feeling way too tired to handle this crisis. I had not gotten much sleep during the night as the staff comes in every couple of hours and there are loud speaker announcements all during the night. Also, Paul needed assistance with his bathroom needs. It had been a very long night and we were both really tired by 6 P.M. the next evening. I had tried to stay calm for Paul, but I was now so angry because of the whole thing going 'south' so quickly. We had not had time to recover from the long hours of the last 2 weeks in the hospital and the pain Paul had to suffer. I held his hand and we both just cried. I said I didn't know why God would allow this. Paul said that he was trying to offer his pain up, but he was hurting so bad.
When Jerry walked in about that time, he came over and gave me a hug and I was so relieved that we had 'fresh' back up help on board, that I let my guard down and just started to cry. I told him how bad Paul was hurting and we were still waiting for the CT to be taken. Jerry went to Paul and while he was encouraging Paul to hang in there, I called the doctor's office to try to get a message to the P.A. that we needed some help and quickly. She said she would check on her orders for a CT scan and within 15 minutes, someone came to get Paul. While we waited, Paul told Jerry he was so sorry that the birthday party was ruined. He asked me to at least give Jerry his little gift! We all got to laugh a little as Jerry went through the silly items. Jerry went down with him to let him know we were by his side and would not leave him.
The results showed that during the removal of the shunt tubing, a 'large amount' of air had been allowed to get into the ventricles. They ordered oxygen to be administered 24/7, alternating between a face mask and then the nostril attachment. This was to be done every 2 hours.
Again, we had a long night with this added duty. Paul started to run a fever, so they also had him use a breathing apparatus to blow into as hard as he could to help his lungs. The pain this caused was so hard to bear for Paul. The pain medicines weren't really helping him either. By morning, he said his pain level had come down to 9 and 10. At first I was relieved, but then looked at Jerry and said, "How sad is that - that we are happy his pain is DOWN to a 10!" The thought came to me about the incident at Virginia Tech. I thought that since it came to mind, maybe God needed our suffering to help the souls of those that died. I held Paul's hand and said that possibly God needed his intense suffering for the soul of the young man who did the killing. He was such a tormented person and maybe God allowed Paul's suffering to help atone for the soul of the man. I told Paul that while we can't possibly understand God's ways, we were being called to suffering for a reason. It didn't make the pain go away, but it gave us a focus. I told Paul that I would offer up my suffering for the mothers of all those young men and women - they must be suffering so intensely and if the pain we felt could be used for a purpose, we had to say yes. Paul told me that he had been thinking that satan wanted to wreck our family and that it could even get worse for us before it got better. He said he would offer up his pain for that young man, but he hoped it would not last long. We prayed to John Paul II and Blessed Mary and so many other saints and asked for their intercession. Asked them to pray for our strength, because we were so weak. I told Paul I was sorry I had not held up so well for him and had even gotten angry. Believe me when I say, I have a long way to go in the ways of Jesus. Funny thing, that is my sign on for my computer - Jesus, Teach Me Your Ways Today (I take the first letters of each word - I change my prayer each month). I had lost my temper with one nurse, as there had been a number of other mistakes that had happened - minor things. But it all added up and I just didn't have any more patience at this particular moment. I could handle all the little mistakes - we are all human and we make mistakes. But the big one just put me over the top as it caused Paul so much pain. I later apologized to her, explaining my fatigue and that she had caught the tail end of my frustrations. I felt upset that I had allowed myself to get caught in the trappings of satan and since we had sacramentals in the room, it was a contradiction in terms! Certainly not a Christ -like behavior. She was very kind and said she truly understood. (I was so thankful that she was our nurse the next night, as we had time to talk in more depth. She was very gentle and kind to Paul and I was glad God had given me a chance to reconcile with her.)
Paul's pain is slowly coming down. This turn of events has now caused his stay to be longer. He has to stay until next week sometime. Our doctor came in right away the next day and immediately apologized for the bad judgement call on his part. He felt the procedure could be done by a nurse, and he truly regretted his decision. This kind of development rarely occurs and he could not believe it happened to Paul. I told him that I was most especially sad because it appeared he had 'nailed' it with the surgery. We had some really great moments in the hours after the surgery. He said he felt it was going to be the turning point also and then he said that there was a good thing that had happened. The ventricle size had come down after this surgery. He said that is probably why we saw more of the 'old Paul' in those hours after the surgery. He said this would all be monitored and hopefully things will get back to normal, but it would take a while. When I asked how long, he said anywhere between a month and a week. I had a shocked look on my face and he jokingly said he had to say that - as this whole thing was so far fetched. He felt that sometime next week would be the time frame. My heart sunk at the thought of this. We had 'cabin fever' - all of us!!
I called Jon and we planned our next week's itineraries for coverage. My tour of duty would be over Thursday morning, Jerry was staying until Friday and Jon would pull a long shift through Monday. I had to get back to work and get things caught up.
Paul had a hard time saying goodbye to me yesterday morning at 4:30 A.M. We talked for a little while and prayed a lot more. He said that having Jerry there helped, as he loves him and appreciates how caring and loving Jerry is. I reminded him his dad was also on the way the next day. He smiled and said, "Yeah, it will be great to have Paps back. He is so funny, I love that guy so much. I love Jerry and you so much too. Thanks for staying with me."
My tour of duty is over for the time being, but my mind and spirit are still with Paul. I can't deny that coming home and being with Michael and Jon did me a world of good. I am thankful that I will be able to spend the next couple of days taking care of Michael. He needs his family just as much. He has been such an incredible trooper through all of this. 2 lengthy hospital stays in the past 3 months - and during his senior year. I have felt sad that we haven't been able to have the time we had with all of our other sons in their senior years. I know it has a point and a purpose, but I worry about Michael's emotional well-being too. I know my faith will carry me through all of this, and while I may lose battles, I won't lose the war. But Michael is young - it is tougher for him. He appears to be so brave and my prayer is that his faith will help him grow as strong as God needs him to be.
Keep us in your prayers, as we keep you in ours. Daily.
May the peace of Christ reign in your hearts today.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
PS - there is no way to put into words our love and appreciation for Jerry and his help. We could have lost our jobs by now, had he not helped take over so many of the days. But most importantly, it is his constant concern, love and incredibly thoughtful ways that he shows to every member of this family that have helped teach us the true Ways of Jesus!! Love in Action! His mother, Judy, has been helping to care for Abby-Cake (Paul's name for his dog) by bringing her over to her house to be with their dog Emma. She has been taking them for walks and making sure Abby isn't alone. Like mother, like son. Praise be to God.
Thank you for all of your encouraging comments - we love them and they really help us.
Paul read the blog yesterday and smiled as he read the comments. We even got to have the pizza birthday dinner!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Tea For Two
I was so shocked and saddened yesterday when I heard the news of the day. It was around 4:30 PM and Paul and I were waiting for his surgery time. Paul and I watched with such sorrow, as we discussed how tragic the day would be for so many families who lost a son or daughter. It made for an even longer day and one where we found ourselves praying with more intensity for those who were involved.
Paul didn't get to eat anything since Sunday night at 5 PM. He was eating as I came into the room. He looked very chipper and was feeling pretty good. On Monday, he started out okay but started taking a turn down hill around noon. His head was pounding and they didn't give him pain medication in time before his surgery, so his last dose was at 10 AM and he had no more before his surgery at 8:00 PM. He was sleeping when they came in at 2 PM and so they didn't wake him up. His surgery was scheduled for 6:00 and at 4:00 they said it was too late to give him anything. We figured that since surgery was only 2 hours away, he could make it. But with the delayed surgery time, he was really suffering. The pressure must have been high as he started to get very lethargic and we could not keep him awake. It was a blessing though, as he was able to fall asleep and not have to endure the pain for all that time. When he woke up, his eye showed the pain level. He would just stare at me and not say anything because it hurt to talk. He would just give a nod, or blink his eye when asked if he was in great pain.
I was sitting beside him in the surgery waiting area for about 2 1/2 hours. I at first was upset when we heard that they were behind schedule that much. I felt so sorry for Paul as he had not had anything to eat or drink since Sunday and his head pain was at a 8.5 level. In a quiet moment in that area, I realized they had the TV on across the room. I could tell it was the news about the VA TECH shootings. This whole setting made me feel so sad. While I had been feeling sorry for Paul and our family and all the hours we have spent waiting in hospital, I was immediately reminded that there is far greater suffering going on in our world. I turned my prayerfulness toward the families of those killed, injured and even the family of the person who committed this very tragic occurrence. It brought into sharp relief the fact that there is so much pain in our world, so many stories where people have lost their total faith and hope in a most loving God.
As I sat there, my attention was then drawn to 2 nurses who were talking about the news. I heard one of them say that she hoped that the families would find out the tragic news about their sons and daughters in a better way than she had heard the news about her son. I didn't mean to intrude on her privacy, but she was no more than about 12 feet away from me, at the nurses station. The other woman asked her what she meant. This mother then went on to explain that she had seen the news about a really bad accident on TV and it was in an area where she knew her son was. There was no identification given on the news of course, but there was enough to cause her alarm. She started to call her son's cell phone and it was not answered. She had called her husband and the other family members, as she was really worried about her son. They got a call not long after and it was someone from the hospital. They would not say her son had died, but this mother heard someone right near the nurse call out for someone to call the coroner. This was how she found out about her son. She said it was such a painful moment for her and her husband. She knew the news was going to be devastating for all the families of these students and teachers, but she hoped they would be able to find out in a more compassionate way. She was hoping that they would not post any names until EVERYONE was notified in private. She kept talking about her son and that he had been the captain of the college soccer team and had this bright and promising future. It was like the flood gates were opened in that moment and someone really cared enought to listen to her about her son and the most painful loss this family had to endure. It had been 4 years ago. She talked without crying. It was obvious, she was relating to all those families and it made her want to pour out her story.
I noticed it had gotten very quiet in that room, as I believe everyone was listening to her now. She certainly had my attention and my love. I found myself watching Paul's face and I kept thanking God for his life. How precious he is to our family, but certainly no more so than this woman's son was to their family. No more so than all of those who lost their lives were to their families. When she finished her story, I immediately began a litany of everyone I could think of, asking God to bless them. I started with that mother, then everyone who came to mind. I knew that I was being called to pray, pray, pray. I was able to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, a rosary after I had named so many people (including everyone who has offered up prayers for our family). As I prayed, I felt so much love for people and knew that that is what God wants from us. 'Love one another, as I have loved you.'
"There is a way of contemplation through suffering. Christ taught us this way from the cross. It is a bridge of love across which God comes to the human race and the human race goes to God. To practice it is this - you look at Christ until you become like Him, just as by looking at the sun, you become golden like the sun. You touch His wounds, and from them you learn the measure of His love. You share the experience of His passions with Him, until through loving with His love, you become one with Him.
We cannot see Christ in His glory, but we can see Him and touch Him in human suffering. Humanity is the veil of Veronica. It is, so to speak, the suffering face of Christ on the Via Crucis, impressed upon humanity, His face covered in blood and sweat and tears, just as we do literally see so many human faces now. This disfigurement is caused by sin; exactly as Christ's historical passion was caused by sin, so is His passion in us. It is He whom we meet every day and in every house and in every street, and were it not that His love has transformed even the wounding and bruising of sin, we should meet the ugliness of despair everywhere. As it is, Christ, by giving himself to our humanity, has given His own mysterious beauty and significance to every tear on the human face, to every drop of blood shed from its veins. So it is Christ whom we look on today, in everyone, everywhere. Gradually, through looking at Christ in these suffering people, we begin to have some faint idea of the measure of His love."
Caryll Houselander
I now begin each day thanking God for my suffering. I actually feel that way in my heart. It is not just words anymore. I know God answered my continued prayer for a more perfect love of Jesus and in the days of the Divine Mercy Chaplet, I was able to view it in a different light. I truly want to offer all of the difficult hours we spend each week back to God as a gift. It has helped me have the strength to endure these past 11 days, watching Paul endure the pain and the inconveniences of a hospital setting and his sadness about missing being home. God has heard and answered my plea about finding the strength to keep doing this. I only need strength for this day.
There have actually been some lighter moments, which helped us so much. It is when Paul is feeling a little better that he lets his sense of humor shine through. The nurse's aide was taking his temperature after one of his last surgery last night and after there were 2 beeps to let her know it was at the maximum reading, she took the thermometer out of his mouth and he asked her with a serious tone, "So, how much do I weigh?" She looked at him with confusion/concern and said gently that she had taken his temperature, not his weight. He smiled and said, "I know, I was just joking with you." She laughed and said that since we are on the 9th floor (which is the neuroscience area) she encounters that kind of confusion often, so it was not a far cry from what she has heard before!
Paul came in from his surgery last night and I thought he was still dozing because of the medication. I was checking out his head and stitches and then noticed his tongue was kind of hanging out of his mouth. I called to him gently to wake him up so he could close his mouth. He didn't make a move. I called him again and no movment. I got a bit scared, thinking he was drugged too heavily and was about to mention this all to the nurse who was fixing his IV system. He then smiled and pulled his tongue back in and said, "Hey mom, I was just trying to tease you. I wanted you to think I was drugged out." I could only smile in relief and told him those kinds of jokes needed to be saved for his dad - he has the stomach for it!!
He teased the student nurse after she had flushed his IV on his arm before hooking the IV back up. She asked Paul if it hurt and he said no, but did ask her to take it easy. I think he was just as nervous as she was! After she was all done and she turned around, Paul said, "Oooww!" She quickly turned around and he said he was obviously joking because she had finished her procedure. She also doesn't have the stomach for that kind of humor, because she smiled only slightly and said, "You scared me to death." He did apologize and has not played any more tricks today.
The night nurse has been terrific. She was here last week, and came back on duty in the past few nights. After the surgery last night, she came in and asked Paul if he remembered her name. He asked if it was Meredith. She said, "Close, but no, my name is Mary." Later, he thanked her for her help and said, "Thanks a lot Meredith, I mean Melanie, I mean Marissa, I mean Michelle." She laughed and he finished with, "Good night and God bless you Mary."
But the best one was on Sunday night. He had eaten a good meal and his tray was pushed away to the wall. It was later in that evening and Jon had left. I realized I was very thirsty and Paul's water jug was empty. I noticed he had an iced tea cup on his dinner tray that had not been opened. Paul is not a huge iced tea drinker, so I felt pretty safe drinking this glass of tea. Paul had his eyes closed and I thought he was sleeping. After about 6-10 minutes, he asked me for something to drink. I asked him what he wanted and he said, "Can you get me the iced tea from my dinner tray?" I could not believe he was asking for it!!! I felt so bad about having drank it and I asked him, as a diversion, if he would like to have some fruit juice since it was so late in the evening. He said no, as he really wanted something right away and didn't want to wait for someone to get him some juice. I took his hand and said, "Paul, I am so sorry, I drank your tea because I had been so thirsty after my trip!" He smiled and said, "I know, I watched you drinking it. You thought I was asleep didn't you?" We both laughed so hard. You can bet I have tried to stay on my toes with him - because when he is feeling good, he really enjoys himself.
May mercy, peace and love be yours in great abundance.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Paul didn't get to eat anything since Sunday night at 5 PM. He was eating as I came into the room. He looked very chipper and was feeling pretty good. On Monday, he started out okay but started taking a turn down hill around noon. His head was pounding and they didn't give him pain medication in time before his surgery, so his last dose was at 10 AM and he had no more before his surgery at 8:00 PM. He was sleeping when they came in at 2 PM and so they didn't wake him up. His surgery was scheduled for 6:00 and at 4:00 they said it was too late to give him anything. We figured that since surgery was only 2 hours away, he could make it. But with the delayed surgery time, he was really suffering. The pressure must have been high as he started to get very lethargic and we could not keep him awake. It was a blessing though, as he was able to fall asleep and not have to endure the pain for all that time. When he woke up, his eye showed the pain level. He would just stare at me and not say anything because it hurt to talk. He would just give a nod, or blink his eye when asked if he was in great pain.
I was sitting beside him in the surgery waiting area for about 2 1/2 hours. I at first was upset when we heard that they were behind schedule that much. I felt so sorry for Paul as he had not had anything to eat or drink since Sunday and his head pain was at a 8.5 level. In a quiet moment in that area, I realized they had the TV on across the room. I could tell it was the news about the VA TECH shootings. This whole setting made me feel so sad. While I had been feeling sorry for Paul and our family and all the hours we have spent waiting in hospital, I was immediately reminded that there is far greater suffering going on in our world. I turned my prayerfulness toward the families of those killed, injured and even the family of the person who committed this very tragic occurrence. It brought into sharp relief the fact that there is so much pain in our world, so many stories where people have lost their total faith and hope in a most loving God.
As I sat there, my attention was then drawn to 2 nurses who were talking about the news. I heard one of them say that she hoped that the families would find out the tragic news about their sons and daughters in a better way than she had heard the news about her son. I didn't mean to intrude on her privacy, but she was no more than about 12 feet away from me, at the nurses station. The other woman asked her what she meant. This mother then went on to explain that she had seen the news about a really bad accident on TV and it was in an area where she knew her son was. There was no identification given on the news of course, but there was enough to cause her alarm. She started to call her son's cell phone and it was not answered. She had called her husband and the other family members, as she was really worried about her son. They got a call not long after and it was someone from the hospital. They would not say her son had died, but this mother heard someone right near the nurse call out for someone to call the coroner. This was how she found out about her son. She said it was such a painful moment for her and her husband. She knew the news was going to be devastating for all the families of these students and teachers, but she hoped they would be able to find out in a more compassionate way. She was hoping that they would not post any names until EVERYONE was notified in private. She kept talking about her son and that he had been the captain of the college soccer team and had this bright and promising future. It was like the flood gates were opened in that moment and someone really cared enought to listen to her about her son and the most painful loss this family had to endure. It had been 4 years ago. She talked without crying. It was obvious, she was relating to all those families and it made her want to pour out her story.
I noticed it had gotten very quiet in that room, as I believe everyone was listening to her now. She certainly had my attention and my love. I found myself watching Paul's face and I kept thanking God for his life. How precious he is to our family, but certainly no more so than this woman's son was to their family. No more so than all of those who lost their lives were to their families. When she finished her story, I immediately began a litany of everyone I could think of, asking God to bless them. I started with that mother, then everyone who came to mind. I knew that I was being called to pray, pray, pray. I was able to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet, a rosary after I had named so many people (including everyone who has offered up prayers for our family). As I prayed, I felt so much love for people and knew that that is what God wants from us. 'Love one another, as I have loved you.'
"There is a way of contemplation through suffering. Christ taught us this way from the cross. It is a bridge of love across which God comes to the human race and the human race goes to God. To practice it is this - you look at Christ until you become like Him, just as by looking at the sun, you become golden like the sun. You touch His wounds, and from them you learn the measure of His love. You share the experience of His passions with Him, until through loving with His love, you become one with Him.
We cannot see Christ in His glory, but we can see Him and touch Him in human suffering. Humanity is the veil of Veronica. It is, so to speak, the suffering face of Christ on the Via Crucis, impressed upon humanity, His face covered in blood and sweat and tears, just as we do literally see so many human faces now. This disfigurement is caused by sin; exactly as Christ's historical passion was caused by sin, so is His passion in us. It is He whom we meet every day and in every house and in every street, and were it not that His love has transformed even the wounding and bruising of sin, we should meet the ugliness of despair everywhere. As it is, Christ, by giving himself to our humanity, has given His own mysterious beauty and significance to every tear on the human face, to every drop of blood shed from its veins. So it is Christ whom we look on today, in everyone, everywhere. Gradually, through looking at Christ in these suffering people, we begin to have some faint idea of the measure of His love."
Caryll Houselander
I now begin each day thanking God for my suffering. I actually feel that way in my heart. It is not just words anymore. I know God answered my continued prayer for a more perfect love of Jesus and in the days of the Divine Mercy Chaplet, I was able to view it in a different light. I truly want to offer all of the difficult hours we spend each week back to God as a gift. It has helped me have the strength to endure these past 11 days, watching Paul endure the pain and the inconveniences of a hospital setting and his sadness about missing being home. God has heard and answered my plea about finding the strength to keep doing this. I only need strength for this day.
There have actually been some lighter moments, which helped us so much. It is when Paul is feeling a little better that he lets his sense of humor shine through. The nurse's aide was taking his temperature after one of his last surgery last night and after there were 2 beeps to let her know it was at the maximum reading, she took the thermometer out of his mouth and he asked her with a serious tone, "So, how much do I weigh?" She looked at him with confusion/concern and said gently that she had taken his temperature, not his weight. He smiled and said, "I know, I was just joking with you." She laughed and said that since we are on the 9th floor (which is the neuroscience area) she encounters that kind of confusion often, so it was not a far cry from what she has heard before!
Paul came in from his surgery last night and I thought he was still dozing because of the medication. I was checking out his head and stitches and then noticed his tongue was kind of hanging out of his mouth. I called to him gently to wake him up so he could close his mouth. He didn't make a move. I called him again and no movment. I got a bit scared, thinking he was drugged too heavily and was about to mention this all to the nurse who was fixing his IV system. He then smiled and pulled his tongue back in and said, "Hey mom, I was just trying to tease you. I wanted you to think I was drugged out." I could only smile in relief and told him those kinds of jokes needed to be saved for his dad - he has the stomach for it!!
He teased the student nurse after she had flushed his IV on his arm before hooking the IV back up. She asked Paul if it hurt and he said no, but did ask her to take it easy. I think he was just as nervous as she was! After she was all done and she turned around, Paul said, "Oooww!" She quickly turned around and he said he was obviously joking because she had finished her procedure. She also doesn't have the stomach for that kind of humor, because she smiled only slightly and said, "You scared me to death." He did apologize and has not played any more tricks today.
The night nurse has been terrific. She was here last week, and came back on duty in the past few nights. After the surgery last night, she came in and asked Paul if he remembered her name. He asked if it was Meredith. She said, "Close, but no, my name is Mary." Later, he thanked her for her help and said, "Thanks a lot Meredith, I mean Melanie, I mean Marissa, I mean Michelle." She laughed and he finished with, "Good night and God bless you Mary."
But the best one was on Sunday night. He had eaten a good meal and his tray was pushed away to the wall. It was later in that evening and Jon had left. I realized I was very thirsty and Paul's water jug was empty. I noticed he had an iced tea cup on his dinner tray that had not been opened. Paul is not a huge iced tea drinker, so I felt pretty safe drinking this glass of tea. Paul had his eyes closed and I thought he was sleeping. After about 6-10 minutes, he asked me for something to drink. I asked him what he wanted and he said, "Can you get me the iced tea from my dinner tray?" I could not believe he was asking for it!!! I felt so bad about having drank it and I asked him, as a diversion, if he would like to have some fruit juice since it was so late in the evening. He said no, as he really wanted something right away and didn't want to wait for someone to get him some juice. I took his hand and said, "Paul, I am so sorry, I drank your tea because I had been so thirsty after my trip!" He smiled and said, "I know, I watched you drinking it. You thought I was asleep didn't you?" We both laughed so hard. You can bet I have tried to stay on my toes with him - because when he is feeling good, he really enjoys himself.
May mercy, peace and love be yours in great abundance.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Friday, April 13, 2007
A Change in the Wind?
We are coming out of one of the coldest Easter weather and on to bright sunny days. Maybe it is just the weather or the fact that I am back home and have had 2 nights of peaceful sleep, but I feel we are making some progress in the recovery process.
Jerry has been the best caregiver in the world! He called me about 6 times in a row last night after each doctor came in to give his report and after getting so many of my questions answered. He said that the general surgeon does not believe Paul has gall bladder, appendix, kidney stones, gall stones or any other type problem that would require surgery. He does have a lot of associated problems due to the inflammation caused by the infected shunt tubing that had been in his abdomen. Paul's system is just reacting to the infection and the removal of said tubing. He will need to get up more each day and move around to help his system resolve the problems left behind - which is a very large amount of gas in the lower abdomen. This is all complicated by the issue that his head has a tube connected to an external shunt and he is still on an IV for the antibiotics and hydration he needs. Makes walking around a bit ......tricky.
The process is cumbersome and very time consuming because every time Paul gets up, we have to call a nurse in to clamp off the tubing from the brain to stop the overflow of brain fluid. Then we have to manuever the 2 stands holding the apparatus for the IV and the external shunt behind Paul as he walks. When he lays back down, we have to call the nurse again and have her open the clamp, and recalibrate the shunt by using a laser that is pointed toward a certain point on Paul's forehead. Once he has his head at the level that he feels is comfortable, the laser is pointed to the correct area, then the shunt is adjusted to flow at the prescribed amount set by Dr. McLanahan. We are to have Paul drink as much fluid as possible to help his intestinal system, which means he is getting up more often. We are so blessed to have Jerry helping us in the rotation! Jon is on his way up to Charlotte now for 'shift change'. I go on Sunday.
Paul is expected to be in the hospital until next week, towards the latter part. So we have set our schedules to handle the days he is there. We have found that someone really needs to be with Paul 24/7 as he needs so much assistance. He misses being home so much, as you can well imagine. I feel guilty being back in our house again. I have had some very peaceful moments on the front porch, watching the birds and the breeze gently moving the flowers in the garden. I have watched the sun come these past 2 days and have just stood there letting it warm my face. I have prayed almost non-stop for God to heal Paul so that he can be home and enjoy being with his dog and back in his own bed. We talked about how much fun we will have when he comes home and he can curl up in his favorite blanket on Jerry's couch, Abby right below him, and all of us enjoying a good movie and warm popcorn from Jerry's huge popcorn maker. It is the neatest machine - the stand is on a cart with 2 large wheels, and it has a large glass enclosed area where the popping corn falls into. Jerry got a butter warmer (Michael's suggestion) and he has these really cool popcorn bags. We have enjoyed "Friday Night at the Movies" ever since Jerry moved into his new home. We all look forward to it. I told Paul last night that we will aim for our first Friday night back at Jerry's next week. I told him to hold onto that as our goal. He said he just wants to be home with his dog. That is his goal. Well Paul...........that is a fine goal to be sure!
Having each of us taking different shifts is the best way to do this. It keeps us more fresh and helps Paul have some variety in his days spent in the hospital. By the end of the shift, we are so tired. There is very little chance for decent sleep due to the constant interruptions at the hospital. I know Paul will mend a lot more quickly once he gets home and gets the rest he really needs after all of this is over. He will have had 3 surgeries in 2 weeks and it really takes its toll on his body. The anesthesia is tough on anyone, but really is tough for brain injured patients.
We are all really looking forward to getting him back home!
In this Easter week, I pray we will all be examples of the new birth we celebrate, in our every word and action. Bless your people, Lord.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Jerry has been the best caregiver in the world! He called me about 6 times in a row last night after each doctor came in to give his report and after getting so many of my questions answered. He said that the general surgeon does not believe Paul has gall bladder, appendix, kidney stones, gall stones or any other type problem that would require surgery. He does have a lot of associated problems due to the inflammation caused by the infected shunt tubing that had been in his abdomen. Paul's system is just reacting to the infection and the removal of said tubing. He will need to get up more each day and move around to help his system resolve the problems left behind - which is a very large amount of gas in the lower abdomen. This is all complicated by the issue that his head has a tube connected to an external shunt and he is still on an IV for the antibiotics and hydration he needs. Makes walking around a bit ......tricky.
The process is cumbersome and very time consuming because every time Paul gets up, we have to call a nurse in to clamp off the tubing from the brain to stop the overflow of brain fluid. Then we have to manuever the 2 stands holding the apparatus for the IV and the external shunt behind Paul as he walks. When he lays back down, we have to call the nurse again and have her open the clamp, and recalibrate the shunt by using a laser that is pointed toward a certain point on Paul's forehead. Once he has his head at the level that he feels is comfortable, the laser is pointed to the correct area, then the shunt is adjusted to flow at the prescribed amount set by Dr. McLanahan. We are to have Paul drink as much fluid as possible to help his intestinal system, which means he is getting up more often. We are so blessed to have Jerry helping us in the rotation! Jon is on his way up to Charlotte now for 'shift change'. I go on Sunday.
Paul is expected to be in the hospital until next week, towards the latter part. So we have set our schedules to handle the days he is there. We have found that someone really needs to be with Paul 24/7 as he needs so much assistance. He misses being home so much, as you can well imagine. I feel guilty being back in our house again. I have had some very peaceful moments on the front porch, watching the birds and the breeze gently moving the flowers in the garden. I have watched the sun come these past 2 days and have just stood there letting it warm my face. I have prayed almost non-stop for God to heal Paul so that he can be home and enjoy being with his dog and back in his own bed. We talked about how much fun we will have when he comes home and he can curl up in his favorite blanket on Jerry's couch, Abby right below him, and all of us enjoying a good movie and warm popcorn from Jerry's huge popcorn maker. It is the neatest machine - the stand is on a cart with 2 large wheels, and it has a large glass enclosed area where the popping corn falls into. Jerry got a butter warmer (Michael's suggestion) and he has these really cool popcorn bags. We have enjoyed "Friday Night at the Movies" ever since Jerry moved into his new home. We all look forward to it. I told Paul last night that we will aim for our first Friday night back at Jerry's next week. I told him to hold onto that as our goal. He said he just wants to be home with his dog. That is his goal. Well Paul...........that is a fine goal to be sure!
Having each of us taking different shifts is the best way to do this. It keeps us more fresh and helps Paul have some variety in his days spent in the hospital. By the end of the shift, we are so tired. There is very little chance for decent sleep due to the constant interruptions at the hospital. I know Paul will mend a lot more quickly once he gets home and gets the rest he really needs after all of this is over. He will have had 3 surgeries in 2 weeks and it really takes its toll on his body. The anesthesia is tough on anyone, but really is tough for brain injured patients.
We are all really looking forward to getting him back home!
In this Easter week, I pray we will all be examples of the new birth we celebrate, in our every word and action. Bless your people, Lord.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Play a Little Song For Me
Paul's surgery on Monday night went well. It was a very quick surgery and he was back in his room by 10:00 PM. He felt really miserable after this surgery and stayed in pain throughout the night. The only thing that brought him great comfort was a surprise visit from Jon and Marie. I love them so much and it was like having the sun shine when they walked in the front doors of the hospital around midnight! Paul talked to them for a little while then needed more pain medicine and it helped him sleep.
On Tuesday, when it came time for Jon and Marie to leave, Paul noticed Jon had his guitar with him. The guys never leave the guitars in their cars due to weather / humidity changes, so Jon had brought it in to protect it. Paul asked Jon if he could take it out of the case and hand it to him. Paul played the guitar for awhile and it was so incredible to hear music fill the room. There had been too many hours watching Paul suffer in all his pain and this was so calming to hear him play some songs. He and Jon then talked about some other guitarists and then Jon played for a little bit. Jon then played and made up a quick song (humorous) for Paul and then the 2 of them made up different verses as they went along, laughing and having a truly 'brothers' moment. Marie took pictures and even was able to video about 20 seconds of them. The nurse had come in and said she was glad to see Paul's attention diverted away from his pain and encouraged him to do whatever he needed to to help with the pain. She even put a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on Paul's door !! After awhile, Jon and Marie had to leave. It had truly been a gift from God and a much needed diversion.
Paul's pain continued to increase throughout the day and by night, they gave him a pain killer that knocked him out for most of the night. The pain is still in his lower abdomen and they had another doctor come in late last night to see what it might be. He is going to run a number of tests today to rule out the gall bladder issue. They had originally hoped that the shunt tubing was the problem. It may even be the bacterial infection in the area that is causing him pain. He has been on the antibiotics since Monday, so it may not have had time to help Paul's pain. It is still a puzzle and we hope to get some real answers today after the testing. Paul has a lot of pain when he breathes too deeply - there is a sharp pain in the lower abdomen area. If he yawns, it hurts and if he takes too deep a breath it causes a sharp pain. Throughout the day, he will call out "Ooww" and I know he has either yawned or taken too deep a breath. It hurts when he has to stand to use the rest room (which they want him to do - they want to see him move around a little bit). It hurts when he has to turn on his side. He had a really rough day Tuesday and into Wednesday.
We have been pulling 2 day shifts at the hospital. Jon was there Saturday/Sunday, I was there Sunday night until Wednesday morning (due to all the pain he had been in) and Jerry came up Tuesday night and is there with him until tonight. Jon goes back up there and will be there Friday and Saturday. I will be back up there Sunday/Monday and Tuesday (if they say he will be released at that time, to bring him home.) We are so blessed to have Jerry helping us so that we can do our jobs through all of this. He takes such good care of Paul and his humor is what helps us all so much. Paul actually asked him not to say anything funny because it hurt to laugh. It helps so much to have a chance to step away and get shored up again by being home for a couple of days. Because there is not much sleep time during the shift, due to all the interruptions from doctors/nurses/aids/dietician/housekeeping etc, all of us are exhausted by the time we are supposed to leave. Then there is the 4 hour drive home..........
I slept so soundly last night after being there since Sunday. My prayer is that Paul will finally be able to get some solid sleep in after they solve his stomach pain. His head pain is becoming more manageable as they make adjustments to his external shunt. I had asked him how bad his head hurt on a scale of 1-10 and he said "Hurt point 5". It has been over 8 until yesterday. Jerry said that later in the afternoon, it had gotten down to 3.5 (Paul almost always gives the pain in fractions..............the doctor and nurses have found that pretty amusing when Paul will say his pain is a " 7.5, no make that a 7.75).
I will keep you posted about the outcome of today's test.
Please pray it will not show Paul needs any abdominal surgery. He had a hard time recovering from the back to back surgeries of Sunday/Monday nights. We are prayerful that a medication will bring him relief, or just some time.
I will also post the pictures of Paul playing the guitar, as it was laying across his chest. It was humorous to see him, with the side of his head all bandaged and a tube coming from the bandage, his left eye taped down and he is playing the guitar.
What a trooper. He is my hero.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
PS - Thank you Judy (Hufford) for your card. When Jerry gave it to Paul, he read the whole thing and then cried. He said he really misses you and Abby Dog and just being home. He loves being at your home during the week. It is so kind of you to always let Paul bring his dog with him too! Your family is a huge blessing to us all. We love you.
On Tuesday, when it came time for Jon and Marie to leave, Paul noticed Jon had his guitar with him. The guys never leave the guitars in their cars due to weather / humidity changes, so Jon had brought it in to protect it. Paul asked Jon if he could take it out of the case and hand it to him. Paul played the guitar for awhile and it was so incredible to hear music fill the room. There had been too many hours watching Paul suffer in all his pain and this was so calming to hear him play some songs. He and Jon then talked about some other guitarists and then Jon played for a little bit. Jon then played and made up a quick song (humorous) for Paul and then the 2 of them made up different verses as they went along, laughing and having a truly 'brothers' moment. Marie took pictures and even was able to video about 20 seconds of them. The nurse had come in and said she was glad to see Paul's attention diverted away from his pain and encouraged him to do whatever he needed to to help with the pain. She even put a 'DO NOT DISTURB' sign on Paul's door !! After awhile, Jon and Marie had to leave. It had truly been a gift from God and a much needed diversion.
Paul's pain continued to increase throughout the day and by night, they gave him a pain killer that knocked him out for most of the night. The pain is still in his lower abdomen and they had another doctor come in late last night to see what it might be. He is going to run a number of tests today to rule out the gall bladder issue. They had originally hoped that the shunt tubing was the problem. It may even be the bacterial infection in the area that is causing him pain. He has been on the antibiotics since Monday, so it may not have had time to help Paul's pain. It is still a puzzle and we hope to get some real answers today after the testing. Paul has a lot of pain when he breathes too deeply - there is a sharp pain in the lower abdomen area. If he yawns, it hurts and if he takes too deep a breath it causes a sharp pain. Throughout the day, he will call out "Ooww" and I know he has either yawned or taken too deep a breath. It hurts when he has to stand to use the rest room (which they want him to do - they want to see him move around a little bit). It hurts when he has to turn on his side. He had a really rough day Tuesday and into Wednesday.
We have been pulling 2 day shifts at the hospital. Jon was there Saturday/Sunday, I was there Sunday night until Wednesday morning (due to all the pain he had been in) and Jerry came up Tuesday night and is there with him until tonight. Jon goes back up there and will be there Friday and Saturday. I will be back up there Sunday/Monday and Tuesday (if they say he will be released at that time, to bring him home.) We are so blessed to have Jerry helping us so that we can do our jobs through all of this. He takes such good care of Paul and his humor is what helps us all so much. Paul actually asked him not to say anything funny because it hurt to laugh. It helps so much to have a chance to step away and get shored up again by being home for a couple of days. Because there is not much sleep time during the shift, due to all the interruptions from doctors/nurses/aids/dietician/housekeeping etc, all of us are exhausted by the time we are supposed to leave. Then there is the 4 hour drive home..........
I slept so soundly last night after being there since Sunday. My prayer is that Paul will finally be able to get some solid sleep in after they solve his stomach pain. His head pain is becoming more manageable as they make adjustments to his external shunt. I had asked him how bad his head hurt on a scale of 1-10 and he said "Hurt point 5". It has been over 8 until yesterday. Jerry said that later in the afternoon, it had gotten down to 3.5 (Paul almost always gives the pain in fractions..............the doctor and nurses have found that pretty amusing when Paul will say his pain is a " 7.5, no make that a 7.75).
I will keep you posted about the outcome of today's test.
Please pray it will not show Paul needs any abdominal surgery. He had a hard time recovering from the back to back surgeries of Sunday/Monday nights. We are prayerful that a medication will bring him relief, or just some time.
I will also post the pictures of Paul playing the guitar, as it was laying across his chest. It was humorous to see him, with the side of his head all bandaged and a tube coming from the bandage, his left eye taped down and he is playing the guitar.
What a trooper. He is my hero.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
PS - Thank you Judy (Hufford) for your card. When Jerry gave it to Paul, he read the whole thing and then cried. He said he really misses you and Abby Dog and just being home. He loves being at your home during the week. It is so kind of you to always let Paul bring his dog with him too! Your family is a huge blessing to us all. We love you.
Monday, April 09, 2007
The Silver Lining
I don't know what was more bizarre this past week - freezing weather leading into Easter Sunday or the varied 'storms' we have experienced on Paul's road to recovery. As you know, we became more and more concerned with Paul's health as the week went on. We were told on Friday that he probably had appendicitis. Our family doctor sent us to the near est hospital to have a CT done to confirm it. As we drove to the hospital, I decided to let Dr. McLanahan's office know some of the symptoms, because if there was going to be surgery, I thought it would be important to get everyone on the same page, since Paul's shunt tubing goes into that area. I also felt that we should have the surgery done in Charlotte, since they know his whole story. We were at the local hospital until 8:30 Friday and they said they thought that there was air outside the stomach, which meant a perforation somewhere. After another xray, they decided that was not the case and sent Paul home with no diagnosis. They didn't think it was a crisis situation. I wasn't too upset that they had no explanation, as I knew that we were going to head up to Charlotte. I had spoken to Dr. McLanahan's assistant and she made the arrangements for Paul to be admitted early Saturday morning. Jon brought Paul up here and he was admitted right away. On Sunday, Jon was told that it possibly was gall bladder trouble. I could not believe that was the problem and asked Jon to ask a number of questions that immediately came to my mind. I told him I was going to come up early. This whole thing seemed too far fetched. Later, on my way to Charlotte, I was talking to Jerry about it, and he said he had had his gall bladder removed when he was about Paul's age. I was surprised that anyone could have that kind of trouble so young. I was glad I was on my way, so that I could be with Jon while surgery was being done. By the time I got to Charlotte, they had decided that it was not the gall bladder nor the appendix, but rather a problem with the tubing from the shunt. They were going to do the surgery they had mentioned a few weeks ago, where they would put in a new tube, but have it empty somewhere besides the stomach area. This was going to be minor surgery. It would be done later in the evening. Since it was not a major surgery, Jon went home and I began my tour of duty.
The surgery was done by 8:00 and Paul was in his room by 9:30 PM. We were told that Paul should start to feel relief by the next day. Right after he got to the room, he was in a lot of pain, but the medicine helped him a lot. So much so, that he spent hours wanting to talk !! He was very coherent and I was happy he was doing so well. At 3 A.M. we prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet for day 3 of the 9 day novena. Then Paul asked me to just talk to him in a quiet voice so he could fall asleep. After awhile, we decided that he would never go to sleep that way, because he kept responding. So I prayed the rosary very softly and we both fell asleep.
Paul was feeling pretty good this morning and ate breakfast. We saw Dr. McLanahan’s assistant and she said that they would be checking a few things and would led us know when Paul could go. Then an hour later, she came back and said that unfortunately, the cultures taken of the fluid from the abdomen and the brain fluid showed an infection. They were going to have the infectious disease doctor come by in a little while to talk to us. I asked her if it meant that the shunt would need to be removed and an external one implemented. She said that it could happen that way, but it was not certain.
We met with Dr. Tanner and he said that the type of bacteria they found was a very slow and wimpy bug. It responds well to antibiotics, was not a tough strain to wipe out. The problem was, the bacteria had originated in the shunt area had traveled down the tube into the abdomen and that is where it started to ‘build a city’ as Paul termed it. Because it had contaminated the shunt, the shunt needs to be removed and Paul will be on an antibiotic for about a week, then they will do another surgery to put a new shunt in. With an external shunt, Paul has to remain in the hospital, as it has to be operated manually.
The Silver Lining you ask? Dr. McLanahan is going to hopefully be able to determine the optimum ICP (inter-cranial pressure) and can set the shunt closer to the best setting. His other hope is to reduce the size of the ventricles and he said that we would see more of Paul’s personality appear.
Dr. McLanahan told me last night that he appreciates our continued patience with this whole process and our dedication to getting this problem solved. It is a tough case and he said that he will find the answer. I told him we trust him and that is why we keep coming back. When he saw Paul this morning he said with great sympathy, “You really haven’t had many lucky breaks have you?” He really cares about Paul and wants to get him back to optimum health. His caring ways are what Jon and I truly appreciate – a great attribute indeed.
From the Divine Mercy Chaplet-
Oh blood and water, which gushed forth as a fountain of mercy for us, we place our trust in you. Jesus, We Trust In You.
May you all experience the blessings of this Easter Season.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
The surgery was done by 8:00 and Paul was in his room by 9:30 PM. We were told that Paul should start to feel relief by the next day. Right after he got to the room, he was in a lot of pain, but the medicine helped him a lot. So much so, that he spent hours wanting to talk !! He was very coherent and I was happy he was doing so well. At 3 A.M. we prayed the Divine Mercy chaplet for day 3 of the 9 day novena. Then Paul asked me to just talk to him in a quiet voice so he could fall asleep. After awhile, we decided that he would never go to sleep that way, because he kept responding. So I prayed the rosary very softly and we both fell asleep.
Paul was feeling pretty good this morning and ate breakfast. We saw Dr. McLanahan’s assistant and she said that they would be checking a few things and would led us know when Paul could go. Then an hour later, she came back and said that unfortunately, the cultures taken of the fluid from the abdomen and the brain fluid showed an infection. They were going to have the infectious disease doctor come by in a little while to talk to us. I asked her if it meant that the shunt would need to be removed and an external one implemented. She said that it could happen that way, but it was not certain.
We met with Dr. Tanner and he said that the type of bacteria they found was a very slow and wimpy bug. It responds well to antibiotics, was not a tough strain to wipe out. The problem was, the bacteria had originated in the shunt area had traveled down the tube into the abdomen and that is where it started to ‘build a city’ as Paul termed it. Because it had contaminated the shunt, the shunt needs to be removed and Paul will be on an antibiotic for about a week, then they will do another surgery to put a new shunt in. With an external shunt, Paul has to remain in the hospital, as it has to be operated manually.
The Silver Lining you ask? Dr. McLanahan is going to hopefully be able to determine the optimum ICP (inter-cranial pressure) and can set the shunt closer to the best setting. His other hope is to reduce the size of the ventricles and he said that we would see more of Paul’s personality appear.
Dr. McLanahan told me last night that he appreciates our continued patience with this whole process and our dedication to getting this problem solved. It is a tough case and he said that he will find the answer. I told him we trust him and that is why we keep coming back. When he saw Paul this morning he said with great sympathy, “You really haven’t had many lucky breaks have you?” He really cares about Paul and wants to get him back to optimum health. His caring ways are what Jon and I truly appreciate – a great attribute indeed.
From the Divine Mercy Chaplet-
Oh blood and water, which gushed forth as a fountain of mercy for us, we place our trust in you. Jesus, We Trust In You.
May you all experience the blessings of this Easter Season.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Saturday, April 07, 2007
As We Wait In Joyful Hope
Holy Saturday
We were not able to keep Paul out of the hospital until Tuesday. He is in Charlotte, and we are awaiting word about possible surgery today. It is a good day though. Holy Saturday. I have complete trust in Our Lord Jesus. Unlike the Apostles, who on this day after the death of Jesus, had no idea about Easter morning, I have the knowledge of what the Resurrection promises. It is that knowledge that I hold in my heart and hold onto for the strength to keep walking on this 'bright white pathway' to heaven'. I asked God years ago to help me get on that pathway and I know He has answered me.
5 years ago, my dad died on Easter morning at sunrise. I thought about that this morning and how we waited out those long hours from Holy Thursday until Easter morning. Then I remembered something that happened during that time that I didn't think of yesterday when I wrote the blog. I mentioned yesterday, how I had seen a really long white cloud that looked like a bright pathway to heaven. It was across most of the expanse of sky I could see from my airplane window and it was all by itself, up much higher than the thick blanket of clouds below me. Well, it was 5 years ago on Good Friday that I saw another one just like it.
I was staying at the hospital with my dad during the night, so my mother and brother could go home and get some sleep. I remember how scared my dad was on Holy Thursday, as he knew he was dying. It was about midnight and he was having trouble breathing, so I got up to check on him and he took my hands and told me how scared he was. He said he was worried he had not done enough in his life and now he was scared. I told him that we can't earn heaven, but that we are called to love God with our hearts and it was Jesus who earned heaven for us. He said he was afraid because he just didn't know what was going to happen. The words just poured out of me as I told him how awesome it would be, because he knew how much we all loved him and all he was going to do was to be passed from our loving hands into the hands of Jesus. How much more blessed could he be? His family around him, praying for him, holding him here on earth, then he would gently go straight into the hands of Jesus and Mary. How much more glorious could it get? He found comfort in those words and slept. When we woke up the next morning, there was a long white cloud across the sky, in an upward direction. It was easily seen from his window at St. Joseph's hospital. I told my dad to look and said, "It is as simple as that - you'll take the pathway to heaven." I shared my experience of the cloud I saw from the plane with him and told him that God was showing which path to take!
There were xrays taken yesterday at Dekalb Medical Center of Paul's abdomen and they could not determine what the problem was. There was a lot of gas in the lower abdomen, but the cause was not determined. We didn't want them to admit Paul to the hospital, as he was going to be seeing Dr. McLanahan on Tuesday anyway to determine whether he needed surgery related to the shunt again. I called his office and was told to bring him up today. When I got home last night at 8:15, Jon and I discussed how we wanted to handle this hospital stay. We decided he would take Paul up, and that I would come up on Easter afternoon, then Jon would come back up on Tuesday. We would pull 2 day shifts. Jerry was with me yesterday (he is a saint on earth) and he said he could also come up this week for a shift. I needed to get some work done that I brought home with me, so our plan was perfect. I will be able to go to the Saturday night vigil, and yes, feel guilty that Jon will not be able to be there too! I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband - he volunteered immediately to take this first shift!
I actually just hung up the phone with Jon and he said that Dr. McLanahan just saw Paul and he took a sample of fluid and it is clear ( means no sign of infection) and that the brain pressure was still very normal. He was expecting something else, because he said to Paul, "You have to be the different one, don't you?" He said that he will have a CT done of Paul's abdomen, as he feels the problem is shunt related. He wants to take time to see the CT results and to think about what is going on with the severe headaches. He said that if he does do surgery, it will be tomorrow sometime. He wanted to do some more reviewing of the issues.
I told Jon how sorry I was that he was stuck in the hospital with no one around and he said that it is actually quite comfortable as they have a suite. I laughed and said that I sure wish that were true! He said, matter of factly, "It is true." I asked him what he meant by a suite. He said they have an adjoining area to the room with a couch, side table, lamp and TV! I asked him how he got that and he said that "They know me around here." I told him that I was very, very happy for him, because the room we were in for those 2 weeks in January was tough. It was dark and we had a little 25 watt bulb lamp on because Paul was so sensitive to light. It was like a dungeon. Jon said there was a nice view too! I told him that I was on my way and I would bring the popcorn! I am so relieved to know he will be comfortable, especially since he has to miss the Saturday night vigil, which we both love so much.
So there you are................hot off the press with the latest and most updated news about Paul. I don't believe it is a coincidence either that I started this blog writing about my dad dying on Easter Sunday. I'd like to think my dad just might be standing by Dr. McLanahan's side while they work on Paul on Easter Sunday. I know that Jesus and Mary will be.
"Then they rolled the stone across the mouth of the tomb; Jesus was within, and Mary was without. Perhaps in that anguised moment the Mother of God remembered the time when she stood outside the house where her Son was teaching. The crowd saw her and said to Jesus, 'Your mother and your brothers are ouside asking for you.' But he said to them in reply, 'Who are my mother and my brothers? Here, are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother.' (Mk 3:31 - 34) Christ's mother is outside the tomb, asking the Fther for his Son - for Easter. The Blessed Virgin's asking is an act of Adoring abandoment - a complete surrender to the will fo God. As Mary declares, 'He has remembered His promise of mercy.' Throughout Mary's waiting in confidence and trust, perhaps Mary tells herself what she once told an anxious waiter in Cana: "Do whatever he tells you." Truly the silence from beyond that secluding stone continues to speak. In her eucharistic vigil before the tomb, Mary expects nothing less than a miracle. The crucifying crowd skulks away from the place of the Skull, satisfied and smug. But we, the little crowd that lingers behind, see Mary......and behold her face - a face that physcially resembles the face of her Son. And we gasp, stunned at the sight. For as we gaze in faith at the face of the Mother of God, we know that Jesus Christ is with us. He is present.
Love, as always, Jon and Rebecca
We were not able to keep Paul out of the hospital until Tuesday. He is in Charlotte, and we are awaiting word about possible surgery today. It is a good day though. Holy Saturday. I have complete trust in Our Lord Jesus. Unlike the Apostles, who on this day after the death of Jesus, had no idea about Easter morning, I have the knowledge of what the Resurrection promises. It is that knowledge that I hold in my heart and hold onto for the strength to keep walking on this 'bright white pathway' to heaven'. I asked God years ago to help me get on that pathway and I know He has answered me.
5 years ago, my dad died on Easter morning at sunrise. I thought about that this morning and how we waited out those long hours from Holy Thursday until Easter morning. Then I remembered something that happened during that time that I didn't think of yesterday when I wrote the blog. I mentioned yesterday, how I had seen a really long white cloud that looked like a bright pathway to heaven. It was across most of the expanse of sky I could see from my airplane window and it was all by itself, up much higher than the thick blanket of clouds below me. Well, it was 5 years ago on Good Friday that I saw another one just like it.
I was staying at the hospital with my dad during the night, so my mother and brother could go home and get some sleep. I remember how scared my dad was on Holy Thursday, as he knew he was dying. It was about midnight and he was having trouble breathing, so I got up to check on him and he took my hands and told me how scared he was. He said he was worried he had not done enough in his life and now he was scared. I told him that we can't earn heaven, but that we are called to love God with our hearts and it was Jesus who earned heaven for us. He said he was afraid because he just didn't know what was going to happen. The words just poured out of me as I told him how awesome it would be, because he knew how much we all loved him and all he was going to do was to be passed from our loving hands into the hands of Jesus. How much more blessed could he be? His family around him, praying for him, holding him here on earth, then he would gently go straight into the hands of Jesus and Mary. How much more glorious could it get? He found comfort in those words and slept. When we woke up the next morning, there was a long white cloud across the sky, in an upward direction. It was easily seen from his window at St. Joseph's hospital. I told my dad to look and said, "It is as simple as that - you'll take the pathway to heaven." I shared my experience of the cloud I saw from the plane with him and told him that God was showing which path to take!
There were xrays taken yesterday at Dekalb Medical Center of Paul's abdomen and they could not determine what the problem was. There was a lot of gas in the lower abdomen, but the cause was not determined. We didn't want them to admit Paul to the hospital, as he was going to be seeing Dr. McLanahan on Tuesday anyway to determine whether he needed surgery related to the shunt again. I called his office and was told to bring him up today. When I got home last night at 8:15, Jon and I discussed how we wanted to handle this hospital stay. We decided he would take Paul up, and that I would come up on Easter afternoon, then Jon would come back up on Tuesday. We would pull 2 day shifts. Jerry was with me yesterday (he is a saint on earth) and he said he could also come up this week for a shift. I needed to get some work done that I brought home with me, so our plan was perfect. I will be able to go to the Saturday night vigil, and yes, feel guilty that Jon will not be able to be there too! I am so blessed to have such a wonderful husband - he volunteered immediately to take this first shift!
I actually just hung up the phone with Jon and he said that Dr. McLanahan just saw Paul and he took a sample of fluid and it is clear ( means no sign of infection) and that the brain pressure was still very normal. He was expecting something else, because he said to Paul, "You have to be the different one, don't you?" He said that he will have a CT done of Paul's abdomen, as he feels the problem is shunt related. He wants to take time to see the CT results and to think about what is going on with the severe headaches. He said that if he does do surgery, it will be tomorrow sometime. He wanted to do some more reviewing of the issues.
I told Jon how sorry I was that he was stuck in the hospital with no one around and he said that it is actually quite comfortable as they have a suite. I laughed and said that I sure wish that were true! He said, matter of factly, "It is true." I asked him what he meant by a suite. He said they have an adjoining area to the room with a couch, side table, lamp and TV! I asked him how he got that and he said that "They know me around here." I told him that I was very, very happy for him, because the room we were in for those 2 weeks in January was tough. It was dark and we had a little 25 watt bulb lamp on because Paul was so sensitive to light. It was like a dungeon. Jon said there was a nice view too! I told him that I was on my way and I would bring the popcorn! I am so relieved to know he will be comfortable, especially since he has to miss the Saturday night vigil, which we both love so much.
So there you are................hot off the press with the latest and most updated news about Paul. I don't believe it is a coincidence either that I started this blog writing about my dad dying on Easter Sunday. I'd like to think my dad just might be standing by Dr. McLanahan's side while they work on Paul on Easter Sunday. I know that Jesus and Mary will be.
"Then they rolled the stone across the mouth of the tomb; Jesus was within, and Mary was without. Perhaps in that anguised moment the Mother of God remembered the time when she stood outside the house where her Son was teaching. The crowd saw her and said to Jesus, 'Your mother and your brothers are ouside asking for you.' But he said to them in reply, 'Who are my mother and my brothers? Here, are my mother and my brothers. For whoever does the will of God is my brother and sister and mother.' (Mk 3:31 - 34) Christ's mother is outside the tomb, asking the Fther for his Son - for Easter. The Blessed Virgin's asking is an act of Adoring abandoment - a complete surrender to the will fo God. As Mary declares, 'He has remembered His promise of mercy.' Throughout Mary's waiting in confidence and trust, perhaps Mary tells herself what she once told an anxious waiter in Cana: "Do whatever he tells you." Truly the silence from beyond that secluding stone continues to speak. In her eucharistic vigil before the tomb, Mary expects nothing less than a miracle. The crucifying crowd skulks away from the place of the Skull, satisfied and smug. But we, the little crowd that lingers behind, see Mary......and behold her face - a face that physcially resembles the face of her Son. And we gasp, stunned at the sight. For as we gaze in faith at the face of the Mother of God, we know that Jesus Christ is with us. He is present.
Love, as always, Jon and Rebecca
Friday, April 06, 2007
What's It All About, Pauly?
I got up this morning and looked out the window. It was overcast and gray. It is definetely Good Friday, I thought to myself. It has always been a cloudy kind of day, as far as I can remember.
As I sat praying, I remembered how I had written a few days ago, about why God seemed to have abandoned Paul . I was reading the booklet, 'Everyone's Way of the Cross' and I stopped and had to say "My God, my God, why have I abandoned You? And so often?
From this booklet:
"My Jesus, Lord, obedience cost you your life. For me
it cost an act of will -
no more -
and yet how hard it is for me to bend.
Remind me often that in carrying my cross,
I carry yours with you.
And though I bear a sliver only of your cross,
You carry all of mine, except a sliver,
in return.
Lord, Jesus, how can I refuse?
I know what you are telling me.
To watch the pain of those we love is
harder than to bear our own.
To carry my cross after you,
I, too, must stand and watch the sufferings
of my dear ones -
the heartaches, sicknesses and grief
of those I love.
I do believe -
for those who love you
all things work together unto good.
Lord, what you ask is hard.
It calls for courage and self-sacrifice,
and I am weak.
Please give me strength,
Don't let me run away because of fear.
Lord, live in me
and act in me
and love in me.
And not in me alone - in all of us -
so that we may reveal
no more your bloody but your
glorious face on earth."
And that is what it's all about. This very holy season is our beautiful reminder of what our lives are supposed to be about.
Paul is still suffering from intense headaches and may also have a kidney stone. He has an appointment in Charlotte this next Tuesday and there may be another surgery. They want to see if they need to change the tube of the shunt and not have it empty into the stomach area, but rather further up in his chest. Supposedly, it is a better place because of his headaches being low pressure. His brain pressure was at a 6 when they checked it a week and a half ago. That is within the normal range.
He is also suffering from pain in his shoulder blade, which will be checked out by an orthopedist on 4/16. Help is on the way - but you are all too familiar that things move very slowly in the medical profession. We have not been able to set up anything with Shepherd Pathways yet. I have left a couple of messages for them, but have not heard back. It could be that this was Spring Break for the schools in Atlanta, so people may be gone on vacation.
Paul was only able to work on Wednesday for a couple of hours, but has not been back other than that. We have gotten up 2 times this week and thought we needed to head up to Charlotte on an emergency basis. But Paul would start to feel a little bit better as the morning progressed. He has had a stomach ache since Sunday, with the pain moving around. He said he was starting to feel better, than last night, the pain was back. We are hopeful that we will not have to rush up to Charlotte before his appointment on Tuesday and ask that you pray for Paul to be able to spend Easter at home this year. He was in surgery at this time last year and this whole past week has seemed like a repeat of that time. It has been a very difficult week, and the timing of it is just a vivid reminder that we are sharing in the pain of Jesus, Mary and the Apostles. In fact, Paul struggled to make it through the Mass of Holy Thursday and he said wants to be at the Stations of the Cross today too.
Please pray for his continued strength. He has actually cried a couple of times this week, due to the fatigue of enduring his headaches for over a year now. I was not surprised when he lost his patience on Wednesday night and in a very loud voice yelled out, "You don't know what it is like, day after day after day, with my head throbbing, my eye not working, my ear not hearing and the constant loud ringing in my ear, and the pain of my shoulder and my stomach and my face not working. It is so hard." I was wondering when all of this was going to get to him. I held him and told him that I could not know, but that I would stay by him until we resolved all of this. Jon came running downstairs, as it scared him to hear Paul yelling like that. We all hugged each other and cried. It has been a long time and we are tired. But again, the timing of Paul's outburst was what hit me. In this final week of Lent, as we remember the death of Jesus on the cross, we are reminded that we are called to the Way of the Cross too. And I remembered a particular event in my life about 6 years ago.
I was on a flight back from Iowa. I hated flying because I was so afraid of a crash. I literally was frozen in fear. After we got up above the clouds, I was thanking God for the safe departure. I was looking out of the windows, at the tops of the the intensely white clouds and could not believe the beauty of them. Then I noticed there was a long white cloud that looked like a pathway to heaven, since it was heading in an upwardly direction. I suddenly said to God, "I want to be on THAT pathway in my life. I don't want to be left below, please help me step up onto that pathway and make my way to you." As we came back down through the clouds, I noticed how dark the earth looked below the heavy covering of clouds. In contrast, it seemed so depressing and I asked God again to please help me remain on the higher pathway, even though I was in the darkness of the earth.
Today, even though the earth is cloudy and dark, I have the vision of that bright, white pathway and I ask God again, "Help me stay on that bright pathway that Jesus is on........just ahead of me."
Thank you EVERYONE for being ' Simon of Cyrene ' and not abandoning us through all of our hills and valleys. Your steadfast prayerfulness has been so powerful and has helped us carry this new cross for the past 18 months. Your prayers have kept us going in faith and trust.
As I sat praying, I remembered how I had written a few days ago, about why God seemed to have abandoned Paul . I was reading the booklet, 'Everyone's Way of the Cross' and I stopped and had to say "My God, my God, why have I abandoned You? And so often?
From this booklet:
"My Jesus, Lord, obedience cost you your life. For me
it cost an act of will -
no more -
and yet how hard it is for me to bend.
Remind me often that in carrying my cross,
I carry yours with you.
And though I bear a sliver only of your cross,
You carry all of mine, except a sliver,
in return.
Lord, Jesus, how can I refuse?
I know what you are telling me.
To watch the pain of those we love is
harder than to bear our own.
To carry my cross after you,
I, too, must stand and watch the sufferings
of my dear ones -
the heartaches, sicknesses and grief
of those I love.
I do believe -
for those who love you
all things work together unto good.
Lord, what you ask is hard.
It calls for courage and self-sacrifice,
and I am weak.
Please give me strength,
Don't let me run away because of fear.
Lord, live in me
and act in me
and love in me.
And not in me alone - in all of us -
so that we may reveal
no more your bloody but your
glorious face on earth."
And that is what it's all about. This very holy season is our beautiful reminder of what our lives are supposed to be about.
Paul is still suffering from intense headaches and may also have a kidney stone. He has an appointment in Charlotte this next Tuesday and there may be another surgery. They want to see if they need to change the tube of the shunt and not have it empty into the stomach area, but rather further up in his chest. Supposedly, it is a better place because of his headaches being low pressure. His brain pressure was at a 6 when they checked it a week and a half ago. That is within the normal range.
He is also suffering from pain in his shoulder blade, which will be checked out by an orthopedist on 4/16. Help is on the way - but you are all too familiar that things move very slowly in the medical profession. We have not been able to set up anything with Shepherd Pathways yet. I have left a couple of messages for them, but have not heard back. It could be that this was Spring Break for the schools in Atlanta, so people may be gone on vacation.
Paul was only able to work on Wednesday for a couple of hours, but has not been back other than that. We have gotten up 2 times this week and thought we needed to head up to Charlotte on an emergency basis. But Paul would start to feel a little bit better as the morning progressed. He has had a stomach ache since Sunday, with the pain moving around. He said he was starting to feel better, than last night, the pain was back. We are hopeful that we will not have to rush up to Charlotte before his appointment on Tuesday and ask that you pray for Paul to be able to spend Easter at home this year. He was in surgery at this time last year and this whole past week has seemed like a repeat of that time. It has been a very difficult week, and the timing of it is just a vivid reminder that we are sharing in the pain of Jesus, Mary and the Apostles. In fact, Paul struggled to make it through the Mass of Holy Thursday and he said wants to be at the Stations of the Cross today too.
Please pray for his continued strength. He has actually cried a couple of times this week, due to the fatigue of enduring his headaches for over a year now. I was not surprised when he lost his patience on Wednesday night and in a very loud voice yelled out, "You don't know what it is like, day after day after day, with my head throbbing, my eye not working, my ear not hearing and the constant loud ringing in my ear, and the pain of my shoulder and my stomach and my face not working. It is so hard." I was wondering when all of this was going to get to him. I held him and told him that I could not know, but that I would stay by him until we resolved all of this. Jon came running downstairs, as it scared him to hear Paul yelling like that. We all hugged each other and cried. It has been a long time and we are tired. But again, the timing of Paul's outburst was what hit me. In this final week of Lent, as we remember the death of Jesus on the cross, we are reminded that we are called to the Way of the Cross too. And I remembered a particular event in my life about 6 years ago.
I was on a flight back from Iowa. I hated flying because I was so afraid of a crash. I literally was frozen in fear. After we got up above the clouds, I was thanking God for the safe departure. I was looking out of the windows, at the tops of the the intensely white clouds and could not believe the beauty of them. Then I noticed there was a long white cloud that looked like a pathway to heaven, since it was heading in an upwardly direction. I suddenly said to God, "I want to be on THAT pathway in my life. I don't want to be left below, please help me step up onto that pathway and make my way to you." As we came back down through the clouds, I noticed how dark the earth looked below the heavy covering of clouds. In contrast, it seemed so depressing and I asked God again to please help me remain on the higher pathway, even though I was in the darkness of the earth.
Today, even though the earth is cloudy and dark, I have the vision of that bright, white pathway and I ask God again, "Help me stay on that bright pathway that Jesus is on........just ahead of me."
Thank you EVERYONE for being ' Simon of Cyrene ' and not abandoning us through all of our hills and valleys. Your steadfast prayerfulness has been so powerful and has helped us carry this new cross for the past 18 months. Your prayers have kept us going in faith and trust.
Monday, April 02, 2007
The Last Words
Yesterday, while we were at Mass, Paul leaned over and asked me what the responsorial to the reading of Psalm 22 meant.
R. My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
I thought it was a very curious thing for him to ask me. We have heard it and read it many, many times before in our lives. I wondered why he would ask now what it meant.
Since we were in church, I quickly explained that these words were spoken by Jesus at the time of his death and that the psalmist in this writing was also suffering and felt in the moment a sense of abandonment by God. But God answered the psalmist's prayers, as He will answer ours. Paul nodded his head, but I realized I had not adequately answered his question. I meant to get back to him on it, but later forgot about it.
Last night, I remembered these words vividly as I actually felt it in my heart. Paul had had a very long and painful day. He was taking medicine every 4 hours to help with his head pain, which stayed around an 8. He did not get up except to visit for a little while with Jonathan and Joseph Tarantino, when they stopped by. He didn't talk too much during that visit, mostly sat and listened to all of us converse. As soon as they left, he was back in bed. His shoulder was hurting again and his stomach. He has started to tell us almost every day that his shoulder hurts, in the back by his shoulder blade. We have made an appointment to see an orthopedist for this and his appointment is April 16th. Also, he complained that his stomach hurt a lot yesterday, and he did not eat much.
Around 10 PM, Paul was still not sleeping and he came into our room and said his head was throbbing. He spoke to us in a very quiet tone of voice and from his movements, I could tell he was in great pain. He was not due for medication, so I went back to his room with him to rub his back, hopefully to help him get through the next hour. I felt so helpless, like so many times before. I remembered last year at this time, he was in great pain and by the end of Holy Week, he was back in the hospital for surgery. Remembering this, and listening to him breathe in his pain, the flood of tears poured out again. I felt so overwhelmed with the seemingly little progress we have made since then! I felt out and out fatigue as I remembered how many long hours at night I have sat at Paul's bedside, praying and begging God to help Paul in his pain, or to give it to me and let Paul go free. Then Paul reached over to the edge of his bed, where the stuffed bear he had as a child was sitting. It was leaned up against the wall in the corner. He pulled it to him and sighed out in pain. I had to ask God those very words we read that morning.........My God, my God, why have you abandoned him? How much more helpless do we have to be? My once strong and active son has been relegated to this limp form, and like a child, trying to find something to bring him comfort in the moment. I wondered how many times Paul had reached for his bear when he was a little boy and talked to it and cried into it? How sad that in his desperation to have his pain relieved, he had to reach for a stuffed bear! I became angered about it and again asked God, why had he abandoned Paul? I didn't mean to be a bother to Paul, but I started to cry and he heard me. He turned over and took my hand. He told me not to cry, that everything would be alright. In anger I said I would hope to shout it would be alright, because it was getting too hard to watch him suffer, with no way to help him. He said that God was helping him. Again, with anger I responded that I wish I knew how God was helping him. I said that I was trying very hard to keep trusting, but that it just didn't make sense to keep Paul in bed. What would be the reason for that? Why wasn't there a relief in pain, just enough, to let Paul actually go out into the world and be of some use? Why didn't God bring just a little bit of healing?
Paul's response was "He has healed me. In ways you can't see."
Once again, I too was healed.
I squeezed Paul's hand and said that I would never leave his side, until he was ready to walk out on his own. I would not abandon him, nor would I abandon my trust in God.
I looked up the words of that responsorial today. I wanted a better explanation of their intent.
"My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the glory of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted; they trusted and you rescued them.
To you they cried out and they escaped; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
The psalmist remembers God's mercy towards his ancestors. God did not abandon them. They too were called to have full trust in the Lord. And they were not forsaken.
In the reality of our daily lives, when we have to face the more tragic and painful times, we are very aware of the pain our suffering causes and the helplessness we are left with. In these times we can't help but feel extremely vulnerable. In my anger, I am only displaying my frustration at the full realization that I am not in control. I want to solve this NOW and move on. But our ways are not God's ways and He has reminded me of this daily. What I fail to do is remember the last words spoken as Jesus died. "Into your hands, I commend my spirit." And that my friends is the response God wants me to say.
Apparently, Paul already knew this. Funny how the child is teaching the parent.
I then read the following this morning.
"Have pity on me, God, not according to your lesser mercy; your lesser mercy brings alleviation to bodily ills, but your great mercy grants remission of sin and raises the penitent by grace over all that is greatest on earth. According to this great mercy have pity on me, Lord, so as to convert me to you, wiping out my sins and justifying me by your grace.
Mary Magdalene comes to your feet, good Jesus, washes them with her tears, dries them with her hair;
You pardon her and send her away in peace - that, dear Lord is one of your mercies. Peter denies you, protesting with an oath that he does not know you; one look from you and he weeps bitterly. You pardon him, confirming him as prince of the apostles - another example, Lord, of your mercy. The thief on the cross is saved by a single word. Paul, at the time a rabid persecutor, is filled with the Holy Spirit as soon as you call him. Such, Lord, are your mercies.
Time would fail me if I tried to count them all. The number of your mercies equals the number of men, women and children justified by your grace. No one can boast of his own achievement. "
Fr. Savonarola, O.P (died in 1498, a Dominican priest who taught theology in Florence)
"To be a witness ..... simply means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist."
And so we start a new day. Unfortunately, Paul still does not feel well today and we are waiting to hear back from his doctor. I had brought him a couple of different things to eat, hoping he might feel up to one or the other. I sat talking to him as he sat on the end of his bed, eating the Nutrigrain bar. I told him that I know I gave God a hard time last night and that I keep getting hung up on asking for things that were more in the category of earthly rewards................instant healings, no worries, no struggles. I told him that I probably will never understand all of this and that I would trade with Paul in a minute, so he could go out into the world. Paul said, "No you don't. You really don't know what you are asking and besides, if God gave me a choice, I would not let him take the pain away." Paul then smiled and handed me the other snack bar I had given him as a choice. He said, "Not to worry - here's your earthly reward."
Lead your people, Lord.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
R. My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?
I thought it was a very curious thing for him to ask me. We have heard it and read it many, many times before in our lives. I wondered why he would ask now what it meant.
Since we were in church, I quickly explained that these words were spoken by Jesus at the time of his death and that the psalmist in this writing was also suffering and felt in the moment a sense of abandonment by God. But God answered the psalmist's prayers, as He will answer ours. Paul nodded his head, but I realized I had not adequately answered his question. I meant to get back to him on it, but later forgot about it.
Last night, I remembered these words vividly as I actually felt it in my heart. Paul had had a very long and painful day. He was taking medicine every 4 hours to help with his head pain, which stayed around an 8. He did not get up except to visit for a little while with Jonathan and Joseph Tarantino, when they stopped by. He didn't talk too much during that visit, mostly sat and listened to all of us converse. As soon as they left, he was back in bed. His shoulder was hurting again and his stomach. He has started to tell us almost every day that his shoulder hurts, in the back by his shoulder blade. We have made an appointment to see an orthopedist for this and his appointment is April 16th. Also, he complained that his stomach hurt a lot yesterday, and he did not eat much.
Around 10 PM, Paul was still not sleeping and he came into our room and said his head was throbbing. He spoke to us in a very quiet tone of voice and from his movements, I could tell he was in great pain. He was not due for medication, so I went back to his room with him to rub his back, hopefully to help him get through the next hour. I felt so helpless, like so many times before. I remembered last year at this time, he was in great pain and by the end of Holy Week, he was back in the hospital for surgery. Remembering this, and listening to him breathe in his pain, the flood of tears poured out again. I felt so overwhelmed with the seemingly little progress we have made since then! I felt out and out fatigue as I remembered how many long hours at night I have sat at Paul's bedside, praying and begging God to help Paul in his pain, or to give it to me and let Paul go free. Then Paul reached over to the edge of his bed, where the stuffed bear he had as a child was sitting. It was leaned up against the wall in the corner. He pulled it to him and sighed out in pain. I had to ask God those very words we read that morning.........My God, my God, why have you abandoned him? How much more helpless do we have to be? My once strong and active son has been relegated to this limp form, and like a child, trying to find something to bring him comfort in the moment. I wondered how many times Paul had reached for his bear when he was a little boy and talked to it and cried into it? How sad that in his desperation to have his pain relieved, he had to reach for a stuffed bear! I became angered about it and again asked God, why had he abandoned Paul? I didn't mean to be a bother to Paul, but I started to cry and he heard me. He turned over and took my hand. He told me not to cry, that everything would be alright. In anger I said I would hope to shout it would be alright, because it was getting too hard to watch him suffer, with no way to help him. He said that God was helping him. Again, with anger I responded that I wish I knew how God was helping him. I said that I was trying very hard to keep trusting, but that it just didn't make sense to keep Paul in bed. What would be the reason for that? Why wasn't there a relief in pain, just enough, to let Paul actually go out into the world and be of some use? Why didn't God bring just a little bit of healing?
Paul's response was "He has healed me. In ways you can't see."
Once again, I too was healed.
I squeezed Paul's hand and said that I would never leave his side, until he was ready to walk out on his own. I would not abandon him, nor would I abandon my trust in God.
I looked up the words of that responsorial today. I wanted a better explanation of their intent.
"My God, my God, why have you abandoned me? Why so far from my call for help, from my cries of anguish? My God, I call by day, but you do not answer; by night, but I have no relief.
Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One; you are the glory of Israel.
In you our ancestors trusted; they trusted and you rescued them.
To you they cried out and they escaped; in you they trusted and were not disappointed.
The psalmist remembers God's mercy towards his ancestors. God did not abandon them. They too were called to have full trust in the Lord. And they were not forsaken.
In the reality of our daily lives, when we have to face the more tragic and painful times, we are very aware of the pain our suffering causes and the helplessness we are left with. In these times we can't help but feel extremely vulnerable. In my anger, I am only displaying my frustration at the full realization that I am not in control. I want to solve this NOW and move on. But our ways are not God's ways and He has reminded me of this daily. What I fail to do is remember the last words spoken as Jesus died. "Into your hands, I commend my spirit." And that my friends is the response God wants me to say.
Apparently, Paul already knew this. Funny how the child is teaching the parent.
I then read the following this morning.
"Have pity on me, God, not according to your lesser mercy; your lesser mercy brings alleviation to bodily ills, but your great mercy grants remission of sin and raises the penitent by grace over all that is greatest on earth. According to this great mercy have pity on me, Lord, so as to convert me to you, wiping out my sins and justifying me by your grace.
Mary Magdalene comes to your feet, good Jesus, washes them with her tears, dries them with her hair;
You pardon her and send her away in peace - that, dear Lord is one of your mercies. Peter denies you, protesting with an oath that he does not know you; one look from you and he weeps bitterly. You pardon him, confirming him as prince of the apostles - another example, Lord, of your mercy. The thief on the cross is saved by a single word. Paul, at the time a rabid persecutor, is filled with the Holy Spirit as soon as you call him. Such, Lord, are your mercies.
Time would fail me if I tried to count them all. The number of your mercies equals the number of men, women and children justified by your grace. No one can boast of his own achievement. "
Fr. Savonarola, O.P (died in 1498, a Dominican priest who taught theology in Florence)
"To be a witness ..... simply means to live in such a way that one’s life would not make sense if God did not exist."
And so we start a new day. Unfortunately, Paul still does not feel well today and we are waiting to hear back from his doctor. I had brought him a couple of different things to eat, hoping he might feel up to one or the other. I sat talking to him as he sat on the end of his bed, eating the Nutrigrain bar. I told him that I know I gave God a hard time last night and that I keep getting hung up on asking for things that were more in the category of earthly rewards................instant healings, no worries, no struggles. I told him that I probably will never understand all of this and that I would trade with Paul in a minute, so he could go out into the world. Paul said, "No you don't. You really don't know what you are asking and besides, if God gave me a choice, I would not let him take the pain away." Paul then smiled and handed me the other snack bar I had given him as a choice. He said, "Not to worry - here's your earthly reward."
Lead your people, Lord.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
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