Roller Coaster

Jon and Paul walking over to the Aylors








Visiting with Connie and Ron Aylor, next door neighbors. Connie keeps us uplifted with her frequent comments on the blog!








Marie, Jon and Paul










Jon and Marie












Michael and James











Dinner on the deck












The whole Fidero Family, Michael, Jon, Marie, Jon, Rebecca, Paul, & James








Friday morning was the beginning of the ride. We started the steep ascent with the appointment at the opthamologist. I felt very tense inside as they dilated Paul's eyes to see what kind of health the optic nerve might be in. It was dark in the room, but Jon and I were looking across at each other and were praying that we would hear some positive news about Paul's eye. We now were speeding down the first hill as the doctor said that the nerve was pale, which meant that it had suffered a tramatic injury. I knew the answer to my question even before I posed it. The nerve does not regenerate and Paul is legally blind. His vision is affected in that only 1/2 of his view out of that eye works minimally. Basically it is dark on the upper half. There are a number of problems due to his injury. His 3rd and 7th cranial nerves seem to have been impacted and whether he will recover from the paralysis is questionable (and truly up to God!) and his cornea health is suffering because he cannot close his eyelid. When we close our eyes, the eyeball will turn up which provides more protection for the cornea. Paul's left eye stays at the same level, so his cornea is still exposed to air. There are some dry and rough spots on the cornea which bodes poorly for the long term health of the co
rnea. While the doctors told us that we had done an incredible job of protecting the cornea given the circumstances, it was inevitable that this drying would happen. I asked if there is the possibility of nerve replacement surgery and was told no. I will not take that as gospel at this time and we have continued to pray for the guidance to find God's will in all of this. But both Jon and I felt intense sorrow for Paul as the doctor explained the condition of his eye and the probability of total blindness. We were advised to buy glasses for Paul to wear to protect his one good eye. They will do surgery sometime soon to put a gold weight in the eyelid of Paul's eye so that it will stay as closed as possible to help maintain the present condition of the cornea. We were told that the cornea will slowly deteriorate over time, but this will slow the process.

We were taken to another room to wait to get information about scheduling surgery. It is a darkened room where people wait after their eyes have been dialated, for further examination by the doctor. Jon, Paul and I sat in silence as Jon held Paul's hand. Finally, Paul said his eyes and head were hurting a lot, so I told Jon to take Paul home and I would wait for the nurse who schedules the surgeries. Jon was going to leave from the doctor office and go straight to work, so we had 2 cars. As I was waiting, I was trying very hard not to let the tears flow. A woman was sitting across from me and asked how old Paul was. I told her 21. She smiled and we went back to sitting quietly. She then started to comment on how beautiful all the models were in the magazine that she was reading. I just nodded because I knew if I started to talk I would cry. She then said that they had to work so hard at looking beautiful and then said, "well, maybe some of it is natural". That made me smile and then she looked at me and said her grandson had survived cancer. He fought it for 4 long years and he has been in remission for 3 years. She said he was bald for all those years and they were told that because of the radiation, he would never really attain a high level of intelligent and would struggle in school. She smiled and then said that he is a straight A student in high school and is the WIND BENEATH HER WINGS! ( A title I have used recently for this site - coincidence..........I think not!) She said that he has brought so much joy to the whole family with his zest for life and his wonderful humor and with the prayers and love of family, he is attaining all of his potential. She was then called back by a nurse. She stood up and smiled at me again and walked away. I knew God had placed that 'angel' in my pathway to help me with my pain. I did not cry with sorrow but joy. The tears flowed, but I felt great comfort in that moment. I know Paul will see what God intends. With prayers and love, he will see all that God wants him to see. I was coasting again on the roller coaster.

I got home and Jon said that he took the day off, he wanted to just be with Paul and me. We had lunch, but Paul was having a hard time staying awake. I was really worried about this, that he cannot stay awake for more than an hour at most. I called the doctor and he said to get him to the emergency room. Up the second hill on the ride. We packed up and went there. It was around 1:30 P.M. We were able to say the Divine Mercy at 3:00 P.M. which was important to me. This was the 4th anniversary of my father's death (Easter Sunday, March 31st) and my brothers and sisters were going to be praying at the same time, united in spirit with each other. Then at 5:30 P.M. we realized that we would not get into a room anytime before 10 because of the trauma patients that kept coming in. Jon and I discussed what would be best for Paul and we took him home to get a good night sleep. Any subsequent surgery would not happen before Monday or Tuesday anyway and Paul was missing feedings and it was very cold in that waiting room. We got home and got him fed, then sat with him the rest of the evening. We went to sleep, knowing the boys would arrive very late at night from Naples. Coasting again but with a little apprehension of what might happen since we hadn't stayed and also worried about the kids still traveling.

At about 11:30 Jon, Marie and James got home and we got up. We were all downstairs talking quietly and all of a sudden Paul came down the stairs. He must have heard us and he wanted to see his brothers. They stayed up until 12:45 A.M. laughing and talking. Paul was so alert and the conversations just flowed, along with tons of laughter. It was all so joyous and none of us could believe the clear thinking and thought processes of Paul. He was as sharp as ever, and his humor was on the mark. I finally said we needed to get to sleep so that we would not sleep Saturday away. Seven people went to bed with happy hearts. The next few hills were just the kind I like - the smaller, easy to handle kind that don't cause knots in your stomach!

We woke around 8 A.M. and Jon and Marie got some breakfast going. Jon and I had sat on the front porch watching the rain that was falling so softly and talked about the night before and how glad we were that we came home from the hospital. What a blessing that we didn't stay, as Paul received much better 'medicine' being at home with his brothers. He woke up around 9:30 and he was again as alert as the night before and engaged in as many conversations as he could. The Fidero's have a bad habit of talking pretty much at the same time - and it is difficult to follow without a brain injury! Paul ate breakfast and then we got him bathed and dressed. He wore shorts for the first time - it was so warm and sunny by this time. We all sat around and looked at the pictures from the wedding, then Paul was extremely tired, so he slept for an hour. My sister Beverly and her daugther Courtney came by and visited with the boys and Marie. I was busy getting some other things done and just enjoyed the noise in the house. It has been so long since it has sounded like that, and it was a huge blessing for me to hear it again.

Jon, Marie and I went next door to Connie and Ron Aylor's house because Jon wanted to talk to Ron about house building. Jon is going to possibly be helping a friend who is interested in the type of framing like they used to do a couple of hundred years ago. There is a name for it that I can't remember. Ron makes 18th century furniture, using tools from that time and no electricity. His workshop is like a step back in time and I knew Jon and Marie would really enjoy seeing it. We were visiting out in the workshop and then my husband Jon and Mike joined us. As we were talking, Jon saw Paul walking around the house by himself. He ran over to him and asked what he was doing. He had been looking for us. We all thought he was sleeping. My first reaction was complete horror as I realized he could have fallen, but then I was glad to see that he did something on his own. That's initiation, which is an area we were told Paul would have great difficulty with. Jon walked Paul over to the Aylor's and after about 10 more minutes we finished visiting.

We planned a BBQ dinner and Marie and Jon prepared it. We set up tables outside and had dinner on the deck. Paul sat for about 10 minutes, but his head was hurting, so he said he had to go to bed. We were disappointed, to say the least. But it had been a big day for him. Then, he surprised us again, and 5 minutes later, he walked back out onto the deck and said he really wanted to eat the steak. He tried, but his head was throbbing, so he had to leave. Jon (son) picked up both his plate and Paul's and he followed Paul upstairs to his room. Jon then got Paul comfortable in his bed and kept him propped up so he could eat his dinner. The 2 of them ate and talked like they have done hundred's of times before. It was so awesome for Paul to have his big brother do this for him. That reminds me also of what Jon and Mike did for Paul. In the early afternoon, they shaved their heads in support of Paul. Mike left his a bit longer. Paul got a kick out of it when he saw them. He joked about how everyone wants to look like him................smile. Paul did a lot of joking about his appearance, but his brothers took a lot of time telling him how he almost died and how much love and prayer surrounded him and continues to. He listened very intently as Jim told him so much of what happened in the hours and days that followed his accident. Paul said later that he was so lucky to have his family and friends and at least he was alive. He knows it will be a long hard walk ahead, but he is beginning to understand he is not alone. That will be a huge support to him in the coming months.

Sunday, we tried to get him ready for church, but he just could not make it. He didn't have the energy and his head was feeling 'very weird'. Jon (husband) stayed home so I could be at Mass with everyone else. The boys had to leave right after Mass and they took Michael with them since he is on his Spring break. He will fly home next weekend. The house was so silent after they left, but the memories kept a smile on my face.

The last big hill before the final coast into the end of the ride. We took Paul for a walk, but he said to get him back home quickly. We did and he laid down because he said his stomach was really hurting. I was downstairs and Jon called out to me loudly to get back to Paul's room quickly. There was a really large knot on Paul's abdomen, which I thought might be a cramp. I was not sure and Paul kept groaning. Jon and I bolted out of the house with Paul to get him to the hospital, but as we were preparing to leave, Paul said it was better and the lump was gone. We got him back into the house and watched him carefully for the next 2 hours. He then asked for dinner and he finally settled on the suggestion of grilled chicken sandwiches. Jon got them from Boston Market and we all sat in Paul's room and ate. I split one with Paul, thinking he was not going to eat much, but he asked for another one! He ate it all and then asked what we were going to do that night? I asked what he might like to do and he said, "Well, I guess we are rather limited since I have a weird head, can't stay up for very long and look like I do." He was laughing as he said it. We ended up watching a movie, then I read to him. He fell asleep and slept through the night.

It was a long weekend with so many emotions felt, and this morning I was drained. I went outside after the thunderstorm passed and the wind was blowing fairly hard. I stood in the warm sun and prayed that the Holy Spirit would continue to move in our souls as the wind was doing in the trees, removing the doubt that seems to plague me on this journey. There will be more sorrow and anxiety felt as we continue forward, but there is always the warmth of God's love that gently wraps around us. It was displayed in the woman who spoke to me at the doctor's office and in the love shared by our family this weekend and then again in the warm sun and wind this morning. It has also been displayed in the constant prayers of so many people who are riding this roller coaster with us! I don't know how we could have done all this without your support.

May the God of hope fill us with all joy and peace in believing, so that we may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Glory to God in the highest, Peace to His people on earth,
Jon and Rebecca