Always the Last to Know

This past week was Graduation Week. Michael graduated from Parkview High School and it was the 8th one we have attended since 1998. My sister Bevery has 4 children and with my 4, we have sat in that stadium 8 times! Each time, our extended family has flown into Atlanta to be with our children. I want to say thank you right now to my brothers and sisters and your families, for all the 'above and beyond' effort you have put in each and every time. We have been so blessed that you have come and joined in our celebrations over the years and you have set a great example to my sons about love. I know it was not easy a lot of the times for you to get here, as you have families of your own. But without fail, you have always been there in times of celebration or sorrow. What a great gift God gives the world - being family to one another. Awesome, awesome, awesome.

I admit - my trust in God was not totally complete these past few weeks. I worried about whether we would end up back in the hospital during the week of graduation. We have planned a couple of things in the past and they were side-tracked with a hospital stay. I held my breath as we got closer to the graduation. Paul had had some tough days and so, I was worried. Looking at the pictures (some of them posted on the blog below) I can see how happy Michael was and I believe God knew he needed to have that special day without interruption. It was a terrific celebration because it came and went without any problems. Plus, all the extended family got to say goodbye to those long, long graduation ceremonies at Parkview!! I could not believe I was watching our youngest son walk into that stadium. It was very emotional for me - as it is for every parent! I found myself crying in the early mornings leading up to the graduation. I realized we were definitely heading into a new time in our lives. Our home will be very quiet in a few months, as our sons head out to make their way into the world. Each stage of life brings its own set of joys and sorrows as you well know. But what I have learned is that each day is a gift and a day to give thanks to God. My confidence and trust in God has grown and while it is not perfect, it is much better than it used to be. I thank God we were able to have not only the one day to celebrate Michael's achievement, but a whole week to spend time with my brother and sisters. One more joyous event for the memory book.

Paul thrived on all the company and events. He joined in all the fun and worked through his headaches. He was able to go to the graduation, which was from 8-10:30 PM. We brought extra cars in case he couldn't make it all the way through. He had a great time and got to see some of his friends who were there. Brendan Hanrahan was the first one. Paul was very happy to see him, as he has been away at college since January. Another friend of his, Sarah, came up to our family and Paul recognized her right away. She had come to Shepherd Hospital to visit Paul. She had not found out about the accident until a month after it happened and was very sad when she heard. Paul did not remember that she had come to visit him. This last Wednesday though, he recognized her as soon as he saw her. He remembers just about everything before the accident, but has lost the memory of things in the summer before and through April-May of last year. While that is a large chunk of time, we are most thankful he has not lost his memory of all the years before. He can join in almost any conversation about the past with our family, which is a huge blessing to all of us.

He had a bit of a break-through this past weekend. He did something he has not done yet. He really lost his temper. He literally blew up and was yelling very loud. He was irritated, among other things, about the fact that he didn't know where all his belongings were. He said he had been looking at pictures saved on the computer and he noticed he was holding things that belonged to him, but he no longer knew where they were. He also said that things happen around him and he isn’t told why they have happened. On a side note, he said he also noticed the pictures at Jon's wedding where his 3 brothers were wearing his shirts! We explained to him that they did that as a way of having him with them. He said that was really a neat thing to do, but he wanted to know if he had the shirts back and where were all the things he had from the dorm? He started to get very upset and within about 10 minutes was really, really angry. He was yelling that things were happening around him without explanation. We treated him like a child and we expected him to just accept the changes going on, like he fully understood it all. He said he wanted to know where things were and he wanted us to tell him what we were going to do before it happened and he didn't want us to not tell him things, as if it wouldn't matter to him. He is not stupid and he wants everyone to quit treating him like he is. He said he would like us to include him before we made decisions and ask him if something was going to be borrowed, moved or discarded. He hated things being done behind his back.

As he started to get so angry, Jon and I tried to calm him down, then we just let him go to town. I realized he had a lot of frustration that had built up and his accusations were correct. We do a lot of things without telling him, then when he finds out there have been changes, we let him know why. We had boxed up a lot of his things last summer when we had new carpet put in upstairs and it was still in the top of his closet and out in the garage......that would scare any one... it is a real disaster area! (Closets and the garage are fair game when we have to do a ‘rush’ clean up………………smile.) A lot of Paul’s stuff from college was still boxed up and we didn’t remember it, so didn’t think about whether Paul would remember it or not.
There were things I had also boxed up the weekend after his accident. Since he was still alive, I knew I had the strength to go into his room at that time to clean it up. I didn’t want to have to do it after he died. So there were still a couple of boxes put up from that time too. Most everything left in his room were the things purchased after he got home from the hospital. Things needed for his care.

When he finally finished yelling about his frustrations, he calmly said, “Okay, now I really need an Advil”. We hugged him and said we would start that day to go through every box in the garage, his closet and our closet, that had his belongings in them. It actually became quite a project and it was a lot of fun as he talked about so many different times in his life, with each item he came across. He decided which things he wanted left in his room at our house and which ones he wanted to take to his room at Jerry’s. He was very happy when he found his music from Georgia State. He took that to Jerry’s so he could maybe teach Jerry how to play the guitar. He also asked if he could buy a new classical guitar. He had been borrowing Jon’s (brother), but since Paul was no longer playing, Jon had taken it with him when he moved to Virginia. Paul said he wanted to practice for awhile before he purchased another guitar, but he would really like to get a good one the next time. So, over the course of 2 days, we were able to finish the task of finding everything. We also were able to clean out the garage. So win-win!
Oh, by the way, Paul found all 3 shirts that had been borrowed for the wedding. Peace reigns in our home.

Paul had an appointment yesterday in Charlotte for another round of electrical stimulation. He said he continues to feel the sensation and warmth, but we have not really seen signs of the paralysis going away. We remain hopeful that God will answer our prayers for a healing. Paul has taken the advice of his doctor to start using his left eye. Yesterday, he took off the tape on his left eye for over 2 hours. He went to the store with Jon after they got home from Charlotte and when he got home, left the tape off until after dinner. He was very excited about it, but told us to allow him to decide each day when he would use his left eye and for how long. We told him that he was in charge of that, and as a reminder, the length of time each day that he used his eye would determine how quickly he would be able to get back to full use of his left eye. He said he understood that, but he wasn’t going to try to use his left eye when he had bad headaches. He didn’t want us to pressure him about it. One more step for him in gaining independence – he is now really stating his opinions about what is going on with him personally.

He is going to get his hearing aids tomorrow and he is really looking forward to that. He wants them only to help with the ringing in his ears. He still hopes that he will recover his hearing someday, but mainly just wants the ringing in his ear to stop. The ear doctor said that as many hours she wears her hearing aids, she gets that many hours of relief afterward from the ringing in her ear. She too lost her hearing suddenly after a serious illness and the ringing in her ear really bothered her. She found that the hearing aids helped stop the ringing. Unfortunately though, we were told by the audiologist that that is a rare occurrence. Paul would not necessarily find that that will happen for him. We are blessed with the fact that in Georgia, we can use the hearing aids for 30 days and if it is not helpful in Paul’s opinion, we can return them and get our money back. That is a real bonus, since they are very expensive.

We have another appointment in Charlotte on 6/14. They are going to test the fluid coming from Paul’s nostril again, to rule out the fact that it might be brain fluid. Please pray for him. Another surgery will be so difficult for him physically and more importantly, emotionally. He is only now back where he was before his last surgery in April. The last thing we need is another major surgery. It would be reconstructive surgery again, like it was in January. It took 3 weeks for him to be released from the hospital. Since he has had 3 surgeries in April, it would be very tough on him physically to undergo another major surgery in June. Thank you so much for keeping him in your prayers.

This past Sunday, Paul went with me to Adoration at Corpus Christi. He was so intent in his prayerfulness and he started to cry. He begged Jesus to help him recover from his headaches and his paralysis, then thanked Jesus for the gift of his life. He is so grateful he was allowed to live. He looked at me and apologized for losing his temper. I told him he had legitimate complaints but he said he was sorry he lost his temper about it. When it came time for us to leave, he asked me to make sure to take him with me each time. He really wants to spend more time at the chapel, where he can sit quietly in the presence of Jesus. He went to the front of the chapel and at the statue of the Blessed Mother, he held her hand and asked her to keep holding him. He then knelt at the altar and prayed silently. I knew he was in deep prayer with Jesus. I have to tell you, when we first came into the chapel, the woman who was there for the 3:00 – 4:00 hour of prayer glanced up at Paul as he genuflected upon entering the chapel. About 10 minutes later, she was leaving and she walked up to Paul and asked him to pray for her mother, who was elderly and in her 90’s. This woman is her mother’s caregiver and she asked for Paul to pray for her own strength and for her mother who was suffering. She told Paul she was asking him because she knew he was a holy young man. She said she knew it the moment he came in and the way he honored Jesus when he entered. Paul said he would pray for them both. God's hand at work.

“My Lord and loving God, You manage my life with an all-wise providence. You take care of me at every moment. If I were the only person on earth, You could not give me more attention, nor more love than You give me at present. I need not look at others, I need only to keep my eyes on You and let You govern my life. When I see You face to face, as I hope to do some day in Heaven, I will see how wise and loving You are in your care of me. Then will I understand how all-deserving You are of my perfect confidence and loyalty. Then I shall wish that I had spent all my time on earth praising and thanking You in all my accomplishments. I shall realize at last how completely I depend on You for all things, and how helpless I am without your blessing. Let me not wait until then, when the truth will be easy to admit. Grant me the grace to do so now, in my every action. Amen.”