On The Border

I read a couple of weeks ago that the Catholic Church has said that there is no longer the belief that there is limbo, which is the latin term for border or edge. It was believed that all babies who were not baptized would go to limbo when they died. It was a place where one would not be in heaven exactly and most definitely one was not in hell.

This morning I had my doubts - I thought to myself, "No limbo? Oh there's a limbo baby and we are in it!" I will preface this with the fact that I got as much sleep last night as a mother with a newborn...................God bless all you very young mothers out there. It is hard work and I got a repeat lesson last night.

It was a really big surprise for Paul to get a visit from his childhood friend, Nathan Rose. They played Nintendo on the newest system out there. Paul stayed up really late and he had a terrific time. It was around 11-11:30 when Paul went to bed. At 12:30, Paul woke me up to let me know his head was hurting badly and he could not go to sleep. He had not had any naps during the day, so I figured he would really sleep well during the night, especially since he had been up with Nathan so late. But he said that he had been sitting at his computer for the last hour and needed pain/sleep medicine. I fell back asleep and he was up again at 2:30, head still hurting and unable to sleep. I told him that he had to wait 2 more hours before he could take anything else. I could not go back to sleep, as I was worried about his headache. I could hear him and he also did not go to sleep. At 4:14 AM he came in and asked if he could have an Advil. I told him to take some Tylenol PM and see if it would help him sleep. I sat on the side of his bed and rubbed his back for a little bit and I heard him whisper a prayer, "Please, Father in heaven, just let me sleep." He finally fell asleep. I only slept for another hour, then Jon got up and shortly after that, Michael got up. I don't know why it is, but on the very morning I needed them to be quiet, it sounded like there were 2 elephants in our house! They finally left at 7 AM and were followed by the trash truck coming down the street. I checked in on Paul and miraculously he was still sleeping. At 7:30 he got up for a little bit, but went back to bed. I know he was exhausted, because I was sharing the feeling.........

I sat downstairs with a strong cup of coffee and was thinking I needed to update the blog. That is when I thought to myself that there sure as heck was a limbo. While we have made some great progress with Paul, we are no further along with the issue of his debilitating headaches than before. Every day I ask him how he is doing and everyday I get his response - "Can I have something for my headache?" On his good days, he still has a headache, but it is just down to a level 3 or 4. We haven't seen that happen in a while though. His headaches are mostly in the 5-6 range since his last surgery. He goes to another doctor appointment in Charlotte next Tuesday. I used to have such high hopes when it came time to go to Charlotte. I would think that just maybe they would come up with the solution. But let me tell you - limbo can whittle away at hope. I still have hope and I work hard everyday to keep it alive. But it isn't easy in this limbo kind of life. We have been on a long journey - one that we measured in terms of walking to California. Well, we are at a 'border' crossing and apparently, we don't have the correct paperwork...........smile. In my exhausted state of mind this morning, I felt kind of depressed about how we now have to start over with Paul's physical training, and we have to try to schedule another appointment (that I pray we finally get to keep) with Shepherd Pathways and we have to start over with getting Paul on a routine. Since the last surgery, Paul has had the hardest time getting his old schedule back. He has not been able to get up in the mornings in time for Mass, and doesn't get to work as often or for as many hours. It seems so hit and miss these days. I am sure that it is because his body is still in the very slow process of recovering from the 3 surgeries they did in 2 weeks. I heard that it takes double the time to recover for brain injured patients. There is a true statement for you! We have started over so often, but at least we aren't starting from the VERY beginning - Praise be to God and Amen too!

So how do I find my hope today? From the long list God has provided.

-The bright morning sunshine filtering through the trees into my bedroom.

-The birds singing loud enough to wake Paul.

-The thought of how Jesus will hug us as we enter heaven. Help me get there Lord!
he knowledge that life does move forward and that if we may be in an earthly limbo now, it is not forever.

-God's love is forever.

-There are others who suffer far worse than we do - every hour of every day. Our cross is light.

-I was graced with life again today. Time to take a deep breath!

-I have a busy life to tend to and I have the physical/mental well being to do it. (Okay - maybe not all the physical well being.............I tended the gardens yesterday and can hardly move!)

-I got to send angels to my husband, sons and all my brothers and sisters in Christ through my prayers.

It took centuries for the Catholic Church to state that there is no limbo. Time for me to get out of that state of mind and set about finding a way to 'cross the border'.

Paul has been slowed down since his last surgeries and he has lost some of his hope about who well he will recover. His speech is more slurred, but he does recognize it and will correct himself. He hasn't really gotten his appetite back, but his weight is still good and he is not losing weight. He seems more foggy than before, in that he doesn't remember things from earlier in the day as well. Once we talk about it, then he will say, "Oh yeah, I remember now." I don't know how long it will take to get back to baseline, but I am sure we will get him there again. As we watch his hair grow, we start to wonder just how long it will grow before the next surgery! He even said it one day after looking in the mirror. He said, "Yep, it looks like it's about time for surgery again." Our hope and prayer is that he will be able to get a normal haircut this next time - and not the buzz job..........Keep the hope alive!

Last night I asked Paul how well he did playing Nintendo. He laughed out loud and said, "I pretty much stunk. I could not do it as well as I used to, but it was fun seeing Nathan." I was glad to see that he wasn't feeling sorry for himself. He had been somewhat depressed this past weekend about all the things he has lost. I reminded him that he was naming only the earthly things, not the things that mattered. He had a new and beautiful faith in God and it would be that wonderful gift from God that would help him gain all that was willed by God for him in his future. He always finds immediate comfort in that knowledge, once he is reminded. It is an everlasting gift, to be sure.

We are in the 18th month of recovery. California here we come!
Love,
Jon and Rebecca