Feelings

The saying that 'no news is good news' is applicable now. We have had a quiet week and we have enjoyed that. Paul goes to Mass and work each morning, then has various activities planned in the afternoons. On Wednesday and Friday, Jerry takes him swimming. He works out for about 30-45 minutes. It is a 'walking' pool that has heated water and is only 5 ft deep at most. Paul can swim by himself and works on gaining more strength in his arms and legs. He has had worse headaches this week, but has stayed the course in getting out each day. We are working on getting a personal trainer lined up and also some music lessons.

Yesterday I was working from home and at lunch time I sat talking with Paul. The conversation led somehow toward what happened in the moments and days right after the accident. I was sharing with Paul how much his brothers love him and how they were affected by his injuries and the fact that he almost died. I remembered and shared with him something still very clear in my mind of an example of how much his brothers love him. It was about 3 days after the accident and Jon and I were out on the back deck. We were home for the hours of 6-8 PM since no one was allowed in any of the rooms at that time due to the shift change at the hospital. So we came home and I think because there was only family around, our guard was down and Jon and I could not hold onto our sorrow any longer and we cried very hard. After a few moments, we heard our son Jon crying. He was inside and he too was overcome with saddness. We came in and saw that Marie was hugging him to comfort him. I was telling Paul about it and in a tone of disbelief, he asked me, "My brother Jon was crying like that?" I said that he was and it was because he loved his brother so much. Paul then really shocked me and started to cry really hard. He said over and over he was sorry he caused us so much pain. I jumped up and hugged him and said, "I didn't want you to be sad, I wanted you to know how deeply we love you and how much your brothers love you!" Paul has not cried like that in years and after awhile, he stopped and asked me a lot more questions about who came to see him and what were some of the things going on with him. We ended up talking for about 45 minutes. We also read some of the messages in a spiral notebook that everyone wrote in for Paul to read when he got well. (I came across it again last week.) He really enjoyed reading some of his friend's remarks.

In the past week, Paul has twice shown that he is feeling things on a deeper level and has exhibited the outward signs. The other time was last week. One evening, he went to bed early with a headache. We all gathered upstairs to pray with him and he read some of the stations of the cross to us. Afterwards, Jerry, Paul and I were looking through the spiral notebook and we came across the message Paul's dad wrote to him. I remember reading it the day after he wrote it and it seemed like such a strange thing to write and I could not relate to it at all. I was expecting it to be a tender father-son kind of message, but instead, it was a spoof Jon made up about Paul's band. He told Paul not to worry about missing the concert that Paul was to play in with his band the night after his accident. Jon told him that he filled in for him, even though the band was a little reluctant when he showed up. He went on to write about how he couldn't wear his old leather pants, since they didn't fit, so he wore some green pants with his white socks and black shoes and a vest with no shirt. He thought he looked cool. Of course, Jake (who leads the band) didn't think so, so they skirmished until he overpowered Jake. After that he was okay with it. He thought that secretly Jake was thinking he would show him up and was just jealous. The band quickly went over the set list and he made a few changes. For starters, he told the band he would do the singing since Jake's voice was too pitchy. There was some grumbling but he assured them he knew what he was doing. He also added a few numbers he knew would be crowd pleasers - like, "I Feel Fine" and got straight into "Year of the Cat". The crowd was less enthusiastic than he expected so they played some of Jake's songs and the crowd started to warm up and get into the music. He described how he then got hung up on the amp cord while doing some 'moves' and fell off the stage. He said the band members were so nice and sympathetic. He said they helped him load up his guitar and little amp and told him they would not go on with the show until they were sure he was on his way home. He told them he would be happy to fill in any time for Paul and they said they'd let him know.

As I was reading this to Paul, he started to laugh at the second sentence and could not stop laughing as he listened. This was the first time he had heard what his dad wrote to him and he at one point was laughing so hard he put his hand up to let me know to stop so he could catch his breath. Jerry and I were laughing really hard too just watching Paul. I called downstairs to Jon to come join us. We read through it again and Paul and his dad were both laughing really hard. Before the accident, they had been practicing a few 'oldie' songs for a mini concert on the deck for friends and family. They always shared lots of laughs as they joked around when one of them played the wrong notes and how Paul played so much better than his dad. Here we were, 11 months later and the entry Jon wrote in that notebook brought back the fun they shared with music. It made Paul laugh harder than he has since the accident. Paul has reread it a couple of times since then and laughs each time. I told Jon I was so mistaken about his entry. I thought it was a really weird thing for him to write and he said he just had lots of hope that someday Paul would be able to read it and get a kick out of it. What a great father-son moment it was too!

I am sure that the fact that Paul experienced 2 very separate emotions in such profound ways, shows more healing is taking place. I have wondered why he hadn't shown any deeper level of emotion - but it appears he is capable of it! More of those awesome moments shared that I will treasure and remember.

We have the ear doctor appointment on Monday. Our prayers are that they can help Paul hear out of his left ear. He hears sounds, but it is very muffled. I have contacted the plastic surgeon to see if he has been able to determin if he will need to surgically restructure the orbital or if the eye globe adjustment only needs an opthamologist. I am supposed to hear back by tomorrow.

I read something written by St. Pio of Pietrelcina that was a great help.
"Have no fear for the future, for God is with you and he is suprememly faithful and will not allow you to be overwhelmed by our enemy. This divine Lover will never allow a soul that is consecrated to him in a most particular way to remain a victim of the most implacable of all its enemies. No,no. The enemy will never obtain this victory. Remember that your soul is in the arms of your divine Spouse, like a baby in its mother's arms. You may sleep in peace, therefore, for this heavenly Spouse will guide you in the way which is to your greatest advantage.

God's peace to you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca