Let's Get Physical...........

The timing of what happened yesterday made me look up to heaven and smile. We were driving to the neurologist's office and Paul said very matter of factly, "I need to start thinking about what I am going to do in life." I asked him what made him think of that and he said, "I can't stay like I am and I need to figure out what to do." I told him that he needed to focus on accomplishing a little more each day, and that God would lead him if Paul would allow it. Paul said "you are probably right about that." We went in to the office and as we were sitting there, I decided to read the daily scripture readings for May 5th. The first reading was from the Acts of the Apostles (9:1-20), which is the story of Saul on the road to Damascus, and his being blinded by the light that shown around him and caused him to fall to the ground. I read all the way through it and immediately knew that Paul should hear it, since he had just spoken about his need to figure out what he is supposed to do in life. After I read the entire passage to Paul, he pointed to his eye and said, "he was just like me, in that he was struck down blind." He then smiled and I reminded him of the words that Jesus spoke to Saul in this passage, "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting. Now get up and go into the city and you will be told what you must do." Then Jesus tells Ananias to go and lay his hands on Saul and says, "Go, for this man is a chosen instrument of mine to carry my name before Gentiles, kings, and children of Israel, and I will show him what he will have to suffer for my name." I told Paul that he too will be shown by Jesus the pathway to follow, and that the suffering that Paul has endured has a purpose. I finished by reminding him that after Saul spent some time with the disciples, he went out and started to proclaim that Jesus was the Son of God. We are all asked to do no less.

It was what happened next that made me smile at heaven. We heard the doctor enter the room next to us and the patient who was in that room had a rather booming voice. When the doctor asked him how he was, the man said, "My arm is like a dead fish." Paul kind of laughed when he heard this and said, "That's kind of a weird thing to say." I said that he probably has some nerve damage. But then the man asked how long would he have quality of life after the radiation and chemotherapy. The doctor replied that he had about a year. Paul and I looked at each other and I felt so sad for this man. I told Paul that it was cancer that the man must have. Paul took my hand and said, "We need to pray for that man and his family." He prayed a Hail Mary and the Our Father with me. I told Paul that he was learning the lesson from the scripture reading. We are called to love others in this world and to be mindful of their needs, and that St. Paul had also written that we are to pray without ceasing in our lives. When we hear or see people who need help, we have to respond to their needs in whatever way we can. Our daily actions and prayers will be the way we proclaim that Jesus is the Son of God. Paul's response to the man in the next room was so immediate and heartfelt. Yes, I smiled at heaven and knew God's time and God's way was the answer to Paul's wondering about what he should do in life. I told Paul that since we don't know the hour or the day that we will end our mission on earth, we are to remain very aware of God's presence in our day and stay focused on what is right in front of us. Since God does not leave us for any moment of our life, we need remain in Him. We can do this by our thoughts, actions and words being an imitation of Jesus.

The neurologist explained that he wanted to leave the setting alone at this time on the shunt. He said that with a brain injury, there is a tendency to want to rush things along. But actually, time is the answer to many of the issues. He asked how Paul was doing compared to the couple of days since the shunt was adjusted. I said that actually, he was doing really well in the last 24 hours. He had taken walks, was eating 2 out of 3 meals a day and had actually slept through the nigth for the first time in 6 weeks. He said he thinks the problem is that Paul has not been active enough to get a true reading. The shunt does not work as well when someone is laying down and that if Paul is mostly sleeping, he is not taking in as much oxygen. The more shallow the breathing, the more carbon dioxide there is in his system and that actually helps to produce more brain fluid. The problem may be self perpetuating. He would like to wait until next week to see if with increased activity, Paul will improve. He asked what was going on with Paul's eye and I explained that we are first of all trying to keep the cornea protected. He said that the important thing to remember is to give time for things to heal and not rush into anything that might over time fix itself. He said that we are right to concentrate on the cornea only at this time. He said, "you fix the immediate problems first, then work your way down the list." I feel more comfortable with his better explanation of what is going on with Paul and of course, still trust that God had answered my prayer the day of the accident - which was to bring the best doctors into Paul's pathway and help them do their best. It's still all about 'trust in God'. I remember asking Jon (in a moment of complete despair) "To what point and purpose is all this?" I know the answer will be in God's time and way. Period. With all your prayers, Paul will have the grace to do what is intended for him. And so will we.

So we began today like we ended yesterday. Paul has become very active, asking us to take walks with him and he even asked me yesterday afternoon, "Do you want to help me do my arm excercises?" I didn't even know he remembered doing those 6-7 weeks ago! So we worked on them. He has lost strength in his left arm and his joints were sore, but he did work through it. Today, on an even longer walk, up a hill, I told him about his Grandma Fidero who had a massive stroke in her 70's and struggled to walk again. She not only walked again, she had 2 more strokes and fought to walk after each one. She never gave up. I told Paul it is important to keep his eye on the goal and to look behind him every once in awhile to see how far he has come. Don't be disillusioned with how far the trail seems ahead of him, just stay focused on his own accomplishments.

For the first time ever, Paul did share that he had at times wished he had not lived. This stunned us and not because he wanted to die, but because he has never shared any real emotions or feelings with us. I have wondered for a long time what he thinks about in all those hours of laying around and have even asked him. He either says "nothing" or shrugs his shoulders as if to say "I don't know." Jon and I said that we understood that he would probably feel like that, and that he will have to deal with times of despair and anger or sadness. It would all be part of the normal process of his recovery, and that his family, friends and his faith in God will get him through it all. He thanked us both for being there to help him.

In turn, we thank all of you on his behalf.
Our prayers and love to you all,
Jon and Rebecca