This past week I felt like a boat lost at sea. There were moments of anger and frustration that made me feel like I was steering this 'battleship' with an oar. Other times I simply felt all alone at sea with no wind at all. Today, I was finally able to thank God for the oar.
We waited last week for the neurosurgeon appointment to be made. I was told he could see Paul in 2 weeks. I was incredulous that they would leave Paul suffering in pain that long. Paul was given a new prescription for pain to help not be dependent on Lortab. (It is not working to relieve anything, but has caused him to be very tired.) The one doctor said they were going to be very aggressive and that Paul would be seen ASAP. It appears that my definitions of aggressive and ASAP are inaccurate. I questioned the neurologist about the time frame in which a neurosurgeon might see Paul, since his ventricles are enlarged and it seemed inhumane to leave him in this condition for that length of time. I was told I could go to the ER and he would arrange for the attending physician to call someone over from the neuroscience department to see him. If there was an emergency, they would handle it. On Friday, I took Paul there and we sat for 9 hours. A CT scan was done and we waited. And waited. Paul had not had any food or water, so in the early evening, I went to find an answer as to whether they would admit Paul or not and if not, please discharge him so we could go home. I was told they were waiting for a neurosurgeon to view the CT scan and come see us. A resident doctor came and said that the ventricles had come down in size a little bit and that since they looked about the same all along, it was not a shunt problem. It might be psychological in nature and we should maybe see a neuropsychologist. I stood and stared at this young doctor. I could not speak for a moment because I did not believe he actually said this. I told the doctor that his ventricles are basically the same in size because the shunt has not ever really worked and asked him why a neurosurgeon and a neurologist had both said that the shunt was not working. He said he did not know, but there was nothing he could do. He left. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out he may need more training and that he was sent because it was the beginning of the Memorial Day weekend and there was no one left in the neuroscience department at 8:30 PM - they had left for the holiday.
Then, 3 people came in and it was obvious they were trainees and they tried to get some blood samples from Paul because the Resident had ordered them to see if Paul had an infection. After 3 attempts, I politely, but firmly told them to stop what they were trying to do, get the discharge papers and we were going home. There was only one consolation in all this. We got our appointment with the 'chair of the neurosurgery department' moved up to this Wednesday.
I really started to fume over all this during the weekend and managed to create quite a storm inside of me. All I ended up with was a huge headache, an unhealthy amount of cynicism, and lots of despair and questioning of God's way. I will admit, I got a lot of work done because all these feelings propelled me into action around the house. I had to work off some of this steam. But that is all it got me. There was no peace in my heart. Only turmoil.
It all came to a head last night and at 10:00 PM I knew I needed to cry a good amount and just wanted to find a place to be alone. I went to leave the house and my husband and sons(including Paul) came downstairs to tell me it was not safe. They wanted to change my mind. Jon could see in my eyes I really needed to be alone and he reassured the boys I would be okay and to let me have some space. I just started to drive and began a very heated conversation with God. I wasn't really thinking about where I was going, but all of a sudden I found myself heading to the church. I felt drawn to it, so I could look inside at the tabernacle to feel more like I was close to Jesus. The loneliness that I had felt all week was too much. I needed to feel that Jesus was with me. I got to have my good cry and was left only with fatigue. I went home and when I walked in, James was in the front room kneeling in front of the Blessed Mother statue and the Crucifix and he was praying the rosary. I had been so angry at God, and here was my dear son praying for me. God's answer to my feeling all alone. I cried again and thanked him for his prayers. I am sure it was his prayers that lead me to the church. I went to check on Paul and he was in with Jon in our bedroom. They were both awake, so we all got up and talked. Paul's words told the truth of this whole thing. We have to trust that God will help us. He said he prays all the time and that he will suffer if God needs him to. He is the one suffering, and HE is the most accepting person in all of this. He does it so simply. I looked at him and at James and finally my heart was filled with the peace of the love of Jesus. One son accepting his suffering oompletely, and the other one supporting us with his prayers. My question, that I posed so loudly to God in the car - "What do you want of me?", was answered. He needs me to keep being a mother, a wife, a caregiver and a prayer warrior. Just keep the ship steady as she goes, His current will lead us.
James was correct when he said that Satan wants to destroy all that is good in our family. He is after us most espcially because we are standing firm in faith. He said to me, "I am not trying to flatter you mom, but Satan knows if he can get to you, the rest will go easier." Funny thing about all this - we started the novena to the Holy Spirit on Friday, which will end at the vigil Mass on Saturday night as we wait for Pentecost Sunday. The novena in honor of the Holy Spirit is the oldest of all novenas since it was first made at the direction of Our Lord Hismself when He sent His apostles back to Jerusalem to await the coming of the Holy Spirit on that first Pentecost. We are praying it together as a family every night. And the attacks against my peace have really been stepped up this past week! Coincidence...........I think not.
I have to share with you that Paul is not any better than he was 8 weeks ago. Physically anyway. Spiritually, he is a rock. He prays so often with us. Last night when we were praying the novena, he asked if he could pray one of the prayers. He has not been able to do that yet because it means we would have to turn on his light in his room. We have to read it basically in the dark, because his eyes are so sensitive to light. We have a light on in the closet and we can barely see the pages. But we pray in that room so that Paul is with us. He allowed Jon to turn on his bedroom light so he could read the one prayer and be part of it. Another night, I heard Paul moving and he sat up in bed and made a noise that let me know he was in a lot of pain. I asked if he needed help and he said he wanted me to join him in prayer and he wanted my help to kneel down at the side of his bed. It was 12:14 AM. He also has gone to Mass 4 times in the last week........ with his headache. He also asks me or James to read the bible to him almost everyday now. He said that he knows he was not as good a Catholic as he should have been and that he wants to do better now. He knows God is trying to help him and that if he is supposed to have pain for a longer time, he will wait. He knows God is using it for something. He says he doesn't know what it is, but that's okay.
When I reflected on what I was going to write today, I realized Paul's example of faith and trust is the oar. His 'Yes' to God's will is a powerful tool for our family as we continue to walk hand, in prayerful hand, forward. Today I 'feel' the words I have been praying in this novena.
Act of Consecration to the Holy Spirit
On my knees before the great multitude of heavenly witnesses, I offer myself, soul and body to You, Eternal Spirit of God. I adore the brightness of Your purity, the unerring keenness of Your justice, and the might of Your love. You are the Strength and Light of my soul. In You I live and move and am. I desire never to grieve You by unfaithfulness to grace and I pray with all my heart to be kept from the smallest sin against You. Mercifully guard my every thought and grant that I may always watch for Your light, and listen to Your voice, and follow Your gracious inspirations. I cling to You and give myself to You and ask You, by Your compassion to watch over me in my weakness. Holding the pierced Feet of Jesus and looking at His Five Wounds, and trusting in His precious Blood and adoring His opened Side and stricken Heart, I implore You, Adorable Spirit, Helper of my infirmity, to keep me in Your grace that I may never sin against You. Give me grace O Holy Spirit, Spirit of the Father and the Son to say to You always and everywhere, "Speak Lord for Your servant heareth." Amen.
Peace of Christ be with you,
Jon and Rebecca
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5 comments:
Rebecca,
Your last message said you would post when you had answers, yet all weekend long there was no news. I just knew you needed extra prayers and Paul really needs them to get answers and relief. Know that your son is right, if Satan gets you, he gets your family. Also know that you and your whole family is in the prayers and offerings of many people,so many of whom we know will never get the privilege of meeting you until we are all together in Heaven. God Bless you today.
The meditation in the Magnificat yesterday most assuredly applies to Paul and his family.
"...Now by ourselves we can do nothing; we need the help of grace. Who will receive grace?...it will be the one who suffers and is persecuted, because he will cry out to heaven with the necessary humility....All that wreaks havoc with the flesh is nothing else but a very merciful grace....And some are required to make reparation for others because they have enough love to do it. They will receive a magnificent reward, one that only God, who is good and faithful knows how to give. Everything culminates in the love of Christ--everything."
It sounds as though Paul is already aware of all of this. We who pray for him are truly blessed when he prays for us!
Much love and many prayers,
How incredibly beautiful this post is. I used to have to coax Paul to say the rosary or pray at all - it was never a priority. In fact, less than a week before his accident, we were arguing about the fact that prayer wasn't more central to our lives. He said he didn't know how to fix that in his life. It is therefore so beautiful to hear that your family has kept up the prayers both for Paul and with Paul. His prayer life and further sanctity is a living example of what all of us should be like. His redemptive suffering will lead so many souls to Christ, his own especially.
You all remain in my thoughts and prayers daily.
Just keep looking for the pockets of peace...God will do the rest.
I'm back..because a dear friend from High School sent this to me. I immediately thought of you:
When Your Hut's on Fire....
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited
island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned
the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he
eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect
himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions.
One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut
in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had
happened, and everything was lost.
He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, "God! How
could you do this to me?"
Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the
island! It had come to rescue him! "How did you know I was here?" asked the
weary man of his rescuers.
"We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
The Moral of This Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't
lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our
pain and suffering.
Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the
ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.
Have a blessed day!
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