In the Shadow of Your Wings

.
.
. The flag outside of
. our house
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I was able to get to Mass last Friday for First Friday. I checked out the morning Mass time and it was at 9:00 AM. A lot of the family were leaving the island that day, so I really wanted to go so I could say prayers for their safe travel. I drove over to Hampstead, NC and went to
St. Jude's. I was glad that it was St. Jude's because Paul has recently been praying to St. Jude, since he is the saint associated with impossible cases. Paul really hopes for a full recovery of his paralysis and the ringing in his ears to stop, along with his headaches, of course. I decided I would thank St. Jude while I was at Mass for his intercession. There were 2 cars in the parking lot and I thought that it might be because it was the 4th of July week and people would be on vacation. The real reason was that Mass that day had been moved to 9:30 AM. That suited me just fine as there was a beautiful courtyard area with some benches and a very large statute of Blessed Mary. I walked out there and sat on the bench that was in the shade. The wind was blowing at a fair rate, which made it all the more pleasant for me. I was noticing all the flowers around the garden and then noticed the shadow of a butterfly on the ground. I glanced over my shoulder, smiling because one would appear at so perfect a moment. I looked for it in the flowering bush behind me but could not find it. I looked at the ground again to see the shadow and there it was, plain as day. There was a butterfly somewhere on a branch on that bush. I stood up and looked for the butterfly and still could not find it. I looked back at the ground to try to figure out its location and the shadow of the butterfly was still there. After walking over to the right a little more, I finally found the butterfly and it was a beautiful orange Monarch. It was clinging to the flowery branch and the wind started to pick up more. The butterfly hung on and was able to cling to the flower even though it was being tossed back and forth by the wind. I thought for sure the wind would cause the butterfly to depart and fly away, but the butterfly stayed attached to the branch until the wind died down a little. Then it fluttered to another branch and once again, the wind picked up and tossed the branches back and forth, with the butterfly hanging on for the ride. Finally, it flew past my head and down the side of the building and out of sight. Smiling once again, I thought to myself, that is just what happens when you become aware of God's love. You know that you have to hold onto Him for dear life during the difficult times and after He fills you with the strength to go on, then you venture out again. There is nothing sweeter than His love. I understood more clearly, what a kind woman at our church once told me. After her daughter had died in her early 20's, she felt very angry at God. It took her a while to come back to Him and have the faith and courage to say yes once again that His will be done in her life. She said there were times when she had to just 'cling to His coat tails flying in the wind' as life brought its struggles and strife. But cling she did and He always gave her the strength to go on. Just like the butterfly clinging to the sweetness of the flower in the gusting breeze, drawing strength from it.

As I have sat here remembering that morning, my thoughts just flashed on the fact that I have a beautiful Monarch butterfly flag flying outside of our home. I was so excited when I first saw it, because I had been looking specifically for a butterfly flag all throughout Spring. You'll never guess where I found it. In the gift shop of Carolina Medical Center! It was on our last appointment there, when everything seemed to be going wrong and Paul had really been put through the ringer. We were leaving after the last test on the second day we were there and Paul wanted to stop to get Jerry a very tiny candy bar. He said he wanted to hand it to him and say that the size of the candy bar reflected just how much fun the trip had been. He would tell Jerry, "this is about how much fun you missed." He was chuckling as he picked out the smallest size candy bar he could find. I found a tiny box of Junior mints that had 3 little pieces in it and that was my contribution to the gift bag. As I was waiting in line I noticed a box of flags and there was the exact one I had hoped I would find someday. I told Paul that I was definitely going to purchase it so I would have one fond memory of all our stays at that hospital. It would be something more pleasing to hold onto in my mind than the pain I had watched him endure so many times. Funny how I was acting just like that butterfly I saw last Friday. I needed to hang onto something more pleasing. I have to tell you, this is not what I was thinking about when I started to write this blog today. I am glad it came to mind though, because it has also made me reflect on the fact that Paul is continuing to come out of his cocoon and I can hardly wait to see him fly.

He is really heading in that direction too. He has been doing so many more things than last month. After we got home on Saturday, Judy and I were talking about all the things Paul had done on our vacation. She was so happy to hear about it and said that Jerry was going to make sure Paul kept it up. That is why he got the workout equipment in place and the entertainment center and TV set up along with the CD player in that area. Paul could listen to music or watch TV as he exercised, making it a more pleasant experience. I mentioned that Paul and I had talked about some of the ways he could improve in the area of independence and Paul was going to start doing his own laundry. I told him to add something new every few days that he could do to be more independent. As Judy and I were talking, Paul started to walk back to Jerry's and he actually jogged up the hill to the house. Judy had a very big smile on her face as she saw how improved Paul was after his trip to the beach.

Saturday evening we were getting ready to leave Jerry's house and I mentioned to Paul that we were going to visit some friends the next day and Paul said he could not go. He had called a friend from high school and had made a date with her to go to lunch and a movie. After that, they might go out to dinner too. She was a friend that he had some music classes with and he recently had been in touch with her. He had called her sometime on Saturday and had set up the get together on his own. I stopped dead in my tracks when he told me he could not go with Jon and me. The reason why is what totally surprised me. I was literally shocked as he casually mentioned his plans. As if he always calls friends from high school and goes out. Since the accident, he has only done what was planned for him. He pretty much waits for us to plan his day. I looked back at Jon and he was just as stunned. We asked Paul all about his plans and laughed when Jerry said he had shown the same response when Paul told him earlier. Wonders never cease!

Earlier in the evening, Paul also played the guitar a lot longer than usual. He played 3 full songs and sang too. They were songs he and Jon used to play while they were in high school, which were written by the popular band, Smashing Pumpkins. ( I wonder where that name came from!) Judy, Jerry and I were all standing there watching him, enjoyng the fact that he was playing so much and so well. He remembered them all, which totally amazed me, since he said he doesn't play much because he can't remember his music. He certainly remembered these 3. Great playing Paul!

On Sunday, Paul was up and standing outside waiting for Jon to pick him up at 7:30 AM. He had gotten up without anyone calling him. After Mass, I asked if he was going to come by to eat breakfast and he said no, he wanted to get ready for his day with his friend, Leah. That evening, Jon and I walked over to Jerry's to see how Paul's day went and he and Leah were playing cards, so we joined them. We all left about an hour later. Jerry told me the next day that on Sunday night, Paul said goodnight to him and was heading upstairs. Jerry called out to him about getting his lunch ready for the next day. As Paul continued up the stairs he responded, "just fix my usual". Jerry said he came to the stairs and told Paul pleasantly that it would be a good thing for him to take part in that job. They could get their lunches ready at the same time and it would be a big help to Jerry if Paul did his own. Paul came back down and did it with no complaints. He even got his pills into baggies and labeled them. He then went on to bed.

He was sound asleep when I went to get him Monday morning, so we had to dash out of the house. He did it in record time though and even said he was sorry for making me rush around. He stayed at work for 6 straight hours - 9 until 3. He said he actually worked pretty hard too. He was still feeling great when I picked him up and he was joking around with Lisa as we left.

Later that night, Jerry called to tell me they were at the park walking the dogs and Paul had just jogged past him and was up ahead of him running Abby across the field. He called me to say he could not believe how much energy Paul still had at the end of the day! After all that excercise, they came by the house to pick up some more shorts I had come across for Paul. He still did not appear to be as tired as we all felt. Amazing day............smile.

This morning he was again up and ready for Judy and asked if he could go straight to work so he could put in a longer day. Another great start, except that he walked out to Judy's car in his slippers - he had forgotten to put on his tennis shoes! The slippers are sort of like topsiders and look more like shoes than slippers, but I knew what they were and asked him if he really meant to head off to work in them. He looked down and laughed out loud when he saw what he had on. He said "Sweet St. Peter, what was I thinking of?" He stayed at work until 3:15 again. He said he had asked his boss, Richard out to lunch, but ended up getting treated to lunch. He said he had a really great time with Richard and enjoyed the time the 2 of them got to spend together. On my way home from work, I called Paul to see if he was eating at our house since Jerry has to work late on Tuesday's and he said no, he would wait for Jerry. I got home and moments later, Paul came walking into the house with Abby and said he needed to pack up his computer so that he could take it to Jerry's and set it up. He wanted his own computer to use and they were going to set up another desk in the room Jerry has as an office. He packed it up completely and was ready to load up Jon's car when he drove into the driveway. Jon walked in and Paul told him what needed to be done. I could see Jon was very tired and I asked Paul if he would mind waiting for just a bit so Jon could have some dinner. Paul said that would be fine, but as soon as Jon and I had finished, Paul stood up to go.

I can promise you this. Paul is really starting to take over in his life and we are so excited to see it. He has been going strong for weeks now and we are finally starting to believe it might just be the real beginning of some good progress toward recovery. Paul has had a few good days here and there, but never week after week! It's been incredibly awesome seeing him show some real determination to move forward. I just remembered this. On Monday, I dropped him off at Jerry's after picking him up from work and I asked him what he was going to do for the next 2 hours until Jerry got home. He said, "I will probably get my laundry done." With total shock in my voice I asked, "Really?!" He responded, "Yeah, why wouldn't I?" "Because you've rarely done it before!", I thought to myself. Later that evening, I asked him if he got his laundry done and he said, "No, because I want to wait til Jerry shows me how his machine works. It is his and I don't want to do anything that will wreck it." I'll let you know if he does do his own laundry. This inquiring mind wants to know!

Yes indeed, there is some California dreaming going on in our home!

Shelter us all in the shadow of your wings, Dear Lord.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca