Walk A Mile in His Shoes

After 2 of the busiest weeks I have had in a long time, I am now able to sit down and actually write my 300th posting on this site. I am not sure anyone is even reading this anymore, since I haven't been able to write anything for the past 2 1/2 weeks! But it does serve a purpose for me and so I continue to plug along........

A couple of weeks ago we drove to 30 miles north of Blacksburg, Virginia to meet Marie and Paul. Paul wanted to come home and we didn't have any other time to get him unless we waited until this weekend. Jon and I drove 866 miles that Saturday and we had a chance to have a long talk about what we needed to do to move Paul to a higher level of recovery. It was really a very peaceful day for us and the scenery became more and more beautiful as we headed north of Charlotte and into Virginia. It was a 15 hour drive and by the time we got home, we had decided that we needed to move Paul back into our house where we could watch him more closely to see where he needed more help. Throughout the Summer, Jerry worked hard with him to become more independent and taking charge of his personal needs. He did really well at first, then lately hasn't had the same drive and inititaion. Paul has always been pretty stubborn and his nature has not changed at all since the accident. He is still head strong and if he doesn't agree with us, he doesn't budge easily. He can get very iritated with us when we try to introduce new ideas about activities that may help him. Jon and Marie found that out and at one point, Jon called and told us he had some much more respect for our efforts at caregiving! I told him I appreciated that and also told him that I learned the same lesson in life. It is easy to be an 'armchair quarterback' - but walk a mile in someone's shoes and you will see it isn't always as easy as you think! As Jerry and our family have found out, it is so difficult to move Paul forward in his recovery because none of us have ever experienced this process before. What makes it harder still is no one person's injury is alike. Each person who suffers this type of injury has a different cause, area of impact, age, genetic makeup, past health history and differing complications. Even the medical professionals have to guess in general terms about the best process for recovery. We are trying to fine tune all of this to fit Paul's needs, which means trying new approaches all the time. It's kind of like a coach trying to find the perfect method of putting the athletes through the grueling training, along with keeping their enthusiasm and discipline going.

Paul has shown a lot of patience when it comes to the pain he experiences. He has shown great patience with the medical professionals as they have tried so many different approaches to solving his 24/7 headaches through surgeries. But like all of us, he isn't patient in all ways. He is tired of having to see so many doctors and has actually grown somewhat cynical in their ability to heal him. I had to remind him this last week that he has only one place to put all his faith and trust - in God. He has to remain one with Jesus in carrying his cross. I received an email from a friend who knew we were struggling to find ways to help Paul. It shows a number of people walking along, carrying crosses. One person stops and begs God to lighten their load and they then take a saw and cut off a portion of the bottom of the cross. They walk a littel further and decide that they need to cut off a little more from the bottom of the cross. Everyone else has just continued on carrying their crosses. They get to a canyon and it is too wide to jump across. The other people lay their crosses down and are able to make a 'bridge' over the wide gap, where they can walk on the crosses and get over to the other side. The man who sawed off the bottom of his cross is not able to get to the other side and is stuck where he is.

A simple cartoon, but a good message. And of course, timely for us. We felt very frustrated about what to do next with Paul. He has stagnated in his recovery. He has lost some of his desire to move into a more full life. We noticed he wanted to spend his free time staring at his computer, playing Solitaire. It was almost an obsession with him. I am sure it was a way for him to retreat into a place that was comfortable for him - a way of retreating from this world and the noise and the demands. He hasn't had the drive to sustain a prolonged effort at moving to the next level. We have watched this behavior for the past few weeks, and Jon (son) mentioned it too. He shows some interest at first, but then fizzles out when the 'going gets tough'. We talked to him about going back to school and he keeps giving us all the reasons why he can't. He says, "When I get better I will try it." He doesn't even want to talk about it for very long. In fact, that is when I noticed the pattern of him walking out of the room and then finding him at a computer, playing Solitaire. This was one of the reasons why we moved him back home. We need to take a more disciplined role in his life, so he will become more disciplined also. It seems like he is content with 'floating' along, with no real challenges to his daily routine. In fact, he isn't budging much on that front. I am sure there are huge fears lying just under the surface of his mind, and he is not ready to look at them . His life has changed in a most dramatic way and I can well imagine how he has to have been affected. He is only 22 yrs old and his life is now being directed almost constantly by other people. We have spent many hours talking to him, helping him understand that he will reach independence, but there are still a few hills he has to climb. They are not mountains as high as some of the past ones, just some rolling hills. We remind him there are a lot of people who will walk along side of him. We have learned that Paul needs time to reflect on things before he puts out much effort. We are now spending time praying a lot with him, as he thinks over his options. He has finally agreed to taking an internet college class. Agreeing to it and doing it are not the same though! We actually reached a compromise. We had talked to him about going to Georgia State University for one class. He said he wasn't ready to go back to a college campus, but would try to do an on-line class to see if he can get past his headaches enough to do all that is required. This will be a huge step for him, but we are grateful to God for this concession. It HAD to be with His help that we are finally getting some agreement from Paul, as Paul has gotten very iritated each time the subject was brought up. I have had to remind Paul more than once about Gabriel.

A few weeks ago, Paul and I were so tired from our trip to Virginia, we decided to go to the 11:00 AM Mass the next day (Sunday). It was truly a blessing from God. We were running a bit late and when we got there, there was room only in the very first row. We walked all the way to the front and as we entered the pew, Gabriel and his mother, Lucilla, were sitting there also. Gabriel is 20 and he too had a bad car accident as a passenger and was hit broadside. He suffered a brain injury and unfortunately, was not able to walk either. But the first thing we noticed was that he was STANDING. He had his walker at his side. No wheelchair! I knew he was going to have surgery, but had not heard how it went. Paul and I got to see first hand how well it went. It was the very last effort the doctors could make to help Gabriel walk again. Everyone had high hopes and many prayers had been said in our home for his recovery. There could not have been any more joy beaming from the faces of Gabriel, Lucilla, Paul and I as we looked at each other with huge smiles. The readings that day were so fitting too.

Psalm 40
I have waited for the Lord, and he stooped toward me.
The Lord heard my cry. He drew me out of the pit
of destruction,
out of the mud of the swamp;
He set my feet upon a crag;
He made firm my steps.

And He put a new song into my mouth,
a hymn to our God.
Many shall look on in awe
and trust in the Lord.

Though I am afflicted and poor,
yet the Lord thinks of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, hold not back.

Paul took my hand after this was read and squeezed it. I knew he understood that God was with him.

After Mass, Gabriel encouraged Paul to get back into school. (Great timing.............God's timing!)He told him that he was going to be taking 4 classes after successfully taking 2 last semester. He has gotten to school using the train (Marta) everyday while still in his wheelchair. He still is using his wheelchair for that, since he has to build up the strength in his legs using his walker. But he has the determination to move over that 'rolling hill'. I talked to Paul about keeping the course and that God surely let us see Gabriel that day as a way of encouraging Paul. As you can imagine, Paul was very upset about moving back home. Later that day though, told me he sort of understood why we had to. He knows he has a long road ahead and we can't help him as well when he isn't at home where we can help him stay the course. As the parents, we can be more instrumental in giving the 'disciplined push' Paul needs to actually finish and attain the goals he is more reluctant to work towards. We might have put the cart before the horse when we let him move out. Hindsight is always 20/20. But to be honest, I think now that Paul has seen that he can do so much more on his own, we hope he will strive to do it again. We hope he will set that as his goal to attain.

To Jerry..............you are a saint in our midst. We love you and thank you for the hundreds of kind and loving ways you share with all of us. You picked up the slack for us when we were growing tired and you took over with Paul's life. No one has set a more beautiful example of being a loving brother and as Paul said yesterday - "He is like a fantasy brother - everything anyone could dream up in a brother and he is it." You have been so instrumental in helping Paul climb higher. How awesome it will be when all of us are standing with Paul when he reaches the mountain top! We will all continue to wait in joyful hope.

There is a lot to share about these past 2 weeks and I pray that I will accomplish my goal of writing a blog a day to catch you all up! Some highs and some lows.

We have pictures of Paul's stay in Virginia and stories to share of his time up there! He was looking at some of the pictures last night and you could tell he was reliving his time with Jon and Marie. He shut down his computer by saying, "I sure love those guys." I reflected quietly on how many people he has said this to. Some day, when we look back and read through this blog, it will surely be the best visual aid we've had about God's love for us, shown by so many.

May God's peace and love reign in your hearts.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca