Going Back To Houston

Could it possibly be that Paul is finally heading due West? We have been told that he does not need to come back to Charlotte for any more surgeries, as the shunt is working. It has been set on the lowest setting possible and is relieving pressure in his brain. Dr. McLanahan said that there is really nothing more that he can do and the ventricles have reduced in size. They are not as small as he would like to see them, but they are a lot better. He said that there is a possibility that Paul will eventually not need the shunt. He is very borderline in his dependency on the shunt and over time, may outgrow his need for it. Paul will follow up with him in December for one more visit and then he will be referred to another neurosurgeon Dr. McLanahan knows here in Atlanta for any follow up appointments.

In these last 22 months, we have seen a lot of different doctors. If someone was suggested, we have made an appointment with them to see if we could get an answer to the issue of Paul's headaches. In May of 2006, we had taken Paul to a chiropractor. He saw Dr. Talley only one time because Paul had to have another surgery for the hydrocephalus. We never made it back. At that appointment, xrays showed that Paul's cervical spine was out of alignment. It was very visible. We were going to start a program of treatment, but got side tracked. Last month, I remembered this doctor again and decided it was worth a try to see if he could help us in anyway. I knew that the cervical spine had probably not mended itself. Jerry took Paul to this appointment and said that Dr. Talley remembered Paul very well and was so impressed with his present condition. He took a lot of time with Paul and gave him a number of excercises to do at home and also gave him some ice packs to use. He told Paul to try using an ice pack for headaches before reaching for pain medicine and showed him where to place the ice pack. After this initial appointment, Paul said that his shoulder was hurting a lot less. He mentioned a few days later that his headaches were not spiking so high in pain. When they were bad, it was only on a level of about 5-6, not 8-9. Jerry told me that one evening, Paul was over at his house and asked Jerry for some Tylenol. Jerry reminded him about the ice pack and Paul got one and rested for a little bit. 20 minutes later, he came into the computer room and with a look of happiness, told Jerry it actually worked. His headache was much better. Paul has been back to see Dr. Talley again and will see him for a few more treatments. I will admit to you, I am a claims adjuster and I handle the bodily injury portion of the accidents. I have not had a very high regard for the chiropractic profession as a whole because there is a lot of fraud involved. I don't mean to offend anyone with this statement. Heck, there is a lot of fraud in every profession, but in my line of work there is fraud that involves attorney and chiropractors. In fact, behind the illegal drug activity in our country, insurance fraud is the number 2 illegal activity. Unfortunately, it made me very skeptical and I was reluctant to take Paul to one.

Like so many other times in my life, I have learned another valuable lesson. I was using a very wide paintbrush in labeling innocent people as being dishonest, not legitimate. God brought another person into our lives to help Paul and I truly believe, to show me my prejudice. One more time, God has reminded me to be very careful of my tendency to quickly judge others. I have been given another chance to try to conform my will to God's. Oh, how He loves His children! Patiently He teaches and waits. Praise be to God.

Paul is really doing so much better with the lessoning of his headaches. He forgot to take his 3:00 PM medicine and when he remembered later, I asked him if he was suffering any pain from missing it. He said no, he was feeling fine and in fact, had not had to take Tylenol or Advil since early that morning. We decided to drop that afternoon medication since we had tried before to wean him from it. It has been determined it was not really going to help him, but he had to be withdrawn from it slowly. The 2 times we have tried before, his headache would be very intense. Looks like we have finally reached a stage where we can do it! Paul was pretty excited about not having to remember an afternoon medication. He is now taking only his morning and night time meds. He is also not having to take over the counter medications as often. This has all come about after only 2 appointments with Dr. Talley. I truly stand corrected!!

It was so cool what happened on Sunday. I had to get some gas and groceries because I ran out of time on Saturday. I did a quick shopping and was trying to get to the house to wish Paul well at his first guitar lesson. I knew I wasn't going to get there in time and I called Jon. He reminded me I had the checkbook and they needed it in case Mr. Sutherland had a guitar that Paul could purchase. I said I would meet them at the corner drugstore that was on their way and right down the street from where I was at that moment. We met and I hugged Paul and told him to remember that God was leading him on this pathway and to give it all he had. He was so excited about his lesson and his smile could not have been any more joyous. They drove away and I ducked into the drug store to get a few more items. I was standing in the check out line and an elderly man behind me asked me if that was my penny on the floor. I looked down at my feet and sure enough, there was a penny to my right. I told him that while it wasn't MY penny, it was meant for me. I told him that it was God's way of asking me if I trusted Him. He laughed and said he liked that idea. I told the man I was growing in greater trust every day!
How much has changed for us. One year ago I was still tending to so many of Paul's needs. He was still weak and bed ridden with headaches. We could not plan anything for the next week, nor even the next day back then. We never knew how well Paul would feel. I was planning his birthday party last year, with the great hope Paul would be able to attend! And in that moment in the drug store, my mind was filled with the joy of knowing Paul felt better, his headaches reducing in intensity and he was going to be working on his music with his dad and favorite teacher by his side. I left the drugstore and was stopped for a red light. As I prayed in thanksgiving, a butterfly flew past my windshield, turned and flew back again. I was smiling so big-time and it made one more pass across my front windshield - How awesome, how God!

The lesson went very well and Mr. Sutherland reminded Paul that it once again, it would all depend on the effort Paul would give. He also told Paul that he was working on a new teaching methodology book and he was going to use Paul as his 'guinea pig'. He said he had a lot of hope about Paul's ability and even felt that it would come back quicker than Paul knew. He said he was so happy to see Paul doing so well. He said he was very surprised getting Paul's telephone call because he had been told a couple of years ago that Paul was probably not going to live. He had not heard any more information after that. He was so glad to see this outcome instead!

Is Paul finally heading West? At this moment he is. His dear friend Geneva has moved to Houston to teach and she has kept in touch with Paul. They were dating at the time of the accident, but Paul does not remember those 3 months. He does not remember her except in small snip-its. There were long stretches when he did not remember she had called. He saw her the week before she moved to Houston and a couple of weeks ago she called Paul and they talked for a good while. I told Paul how they used to talk to each other every night and prayed together. I told him that they had started the month-long prayers for consecrating themselves to Mary, but that the accident happened in the middle of that. Geneva went on to pray the prayers of that devotion for Paul while he was in his coma. He said that was so awesome of her to do and so he asked her if they could do it again this November. In the meantime, they started a 9 day novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. It is a blessing that Paul has the friendship of this wonderful young lady after all this time. It was so kind of her to stay in touch with Paul, especially after it became evident he did not remember her. He does not remember most of the things in the 3 months before and 4 months after his accident. Every once in awhile there will be a glimpse of memory for him, but at this time, it is mostly a void. I trust God had his reasons.

Paul has said more than once that he truly must have had a "Come to Jesus" meeting while he was in a coma. Guess what Paul - you are not the only one!

God bless you and keep you surround with His love and protection,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Guitar Man

As you may remember, a little over a month ago we were blessed with meeting the nuns at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament in Alabama. Pat Denton and Carol Garrison were the 2 women who took us over there. In the days following, Pat invited us to attend a surprise birthday party for Carol. Jon and Paul were going to be in Charlotte and would not be back in time to attend. I did go and it was at that party that I met a woman I recognized from St. John Newmann church. It was years ago, while Fr. Jack was at that parish that I had seen this woman and her family. I was introduced to her and we struck up a conversation. We got to the topic of music because her girls are very musically talented and her one daughter was thinking about applying to the school of music at Georgia State University. I said that Paul had been in the school of music at that same school before his accident. I said he had been blessed by God because he had an incredible teacher, John Sutherland. She said that her daughter had been taking lessons from him since she was young. I was so excited that she knew who I was talking about and then said that her daughter must be a truly gifted musician since she has trained with this teacher for so long! I then told her the story of how he had influenced Paul's life.

In the summer after Paul's freshman year at college, he decided to audition for the school of music. Paul had been a big fish in a small pond at Parkview High School. He was an excellent electrical guitarist and he wanted to transfer that talent to the classical guitar. He practiced in the 2 months before that audition and went to the audition with a fair amount of confidence. He was to play in front of some of the teachers from the school of music. He called me right after his performance and told me what happened. He said that right after he played his song, one teacher basically shut him down. He was very sharp in his criticism and said Paul didn't belong in the school of music. It was John Sutherland who spoke up in Paul's defense and said he saw some raw talent and he would take Paul under wing and be his personal teacher. He said that Paul was basically a diamond in the rough.

What is so amazing about this is that John Sutherland has been called the "Dean of Guitarists" and "one of the finest teachers in the United States". He studied with Andre Segovia and Christopher Parkening. His transcriptions were used by Christopher Parkening in recording of "Simple Gifts". His students have been prize winners in the National Federation of Music Clubs Competition, Music Teachers National Association, and the American String Teachers Association. Three of the twelve students at the final Segovia Master Class studied with John Sutherland at the University of Georgia. He has served as adjudicator and clinician throughout the United States. I am not telling you all of this to brag in any way. It is with total amazement that our son was even near someone of this caliber! The chance meeting of these 2 people is still amazing to me to this day. It is one of the reasons that I still believe Paul was meant to do something with his talent. I know Jon continues to hold out great hope that Paul will play as well as he used to.

So back to Paul's telling me about his audition. Paul was so excited to know he would have John Sutherland as a teacher and he worked very hard to please him. He said he loved the fact that he couldn't fool this teacher at all. If Paul had not practiced as long and hard as he was expected to, Mr. Sutherland would know it instantly. Paul could fool some of the other students. The students were asked to critique each other and they would say that Paul had played very well. Mr. Sutherland would ask Paul directly, "Paul, how do you think you played." Paul on one occasion said that he played very poorly and admitted he had not put in the necessary time. Mr. Sutherland thanked him for being honest and he agreed with Paul's opinion - he had played poorly that day. Paul said he didn't want Mr. Sutherland to say that again, and he worked harder. When they first started working together, Mr. Sutherland told Paul he could hardly wait to show the teacher who criticized Paul so much at the first audition, just how talented Paul was. He said he could hardly wait until Paul's Senior audition! At the end of that first year, part of the exam would be to play a classical piece of music for the department. Of course, the one teacher was there who had not seen any talent in Paul. After playing his song, Paul looked up and Mr. Sutherland was smiling. The other teacher said something like, "I stand corrected. You do have a talent I did not see." Paul called us and his voice had more joy in it than I had ever heard. I could not believe it either. Jon (husband) said he wasn't surprised at all. He always thought Paul was an exceptional player. He was so very proud of Paul.

It was the next year that Paul decided to try to go for the gusto and try to make it big with a band, playing rock n roll. I was really disappointed with his decision, but prayed harder than ever before for him to find God's will in his life. Then the accident happened and I knew instantly that Mary had taken my prayers to God and they had been answered in a way I would not ever have imagined. While I wanted to see Paul go back to school and stop his pursuit into the music industry on the pathway he was on, I surely didn't want to see it come to a screaming halt. But God knew what was best and I believe that Mary interceded that day and kept Paul from an even worse injury. I believe in my heart that the thousands of prayers said for Paul changed the outcome of his accident.

I have even more confirmation today. That night of the birthday party, after I shared some of this with Cindy, whose daughter also took lessons with John Sutherland, I asked her if she had his phone number. I wanted to call him and talk to him about getting Paul started with some in classical training excercises so that he would have a goal to work toward. She gave me his number and I was thrilled to have it. I talked to Jon about it and he said it was worth a shot. I was not sure John Sutherland would even remember Paul after 2 years. But before I could call him, I lost the piece of paper. Then my mother got sick and has been in the ICU at the hospital 2 times and some other things have come up that have kept me so busy I haven't stopped for a moment. I didn't know Cindy's last name, but I remembered another amazing thing. When Marie's sister came to Atlanta last summer, after accepting a job with Fr. Jack, she lived with us for a few months. She had been her about a month and she was invited to live with a family who lived a lot closer to the parish where she was working. She decided to stay with us, as she was already comfortable here and she had had enough change in her life for awhile after moving to a new city and working at a new job. I learned at the birthday party for Carol, that is was Cindy's family who had invited Anne to live with them! Small, small world we live in. I knew that Anne could give me the phone number to Cindy and I would be able to get John Sutherland's phone number again.

I had not mentioned my intentions to Paul at first because he can become negative about his music very easily. He feels he can't play very well, but he can. He has been playing more and more each week and also plays the piano every day. I watch him get lost in the music for an hour or so at a time and he is oblivious to the world around him while he is playing. So this past Sunday, I talked to him about John Sutherland and I confessed that I was planning on calling him and asking him if he would possibly be interested in helping Paul in any way. I told Paul that I had lost the number and was going to make the calls necessary to get his number again. Paul opened his cell phone and said, "I have it right here. John Sutherland." Jon and I looked at each other and just laughed. I asked Paul if he wanted to call Mr. Sutherland himself or did he want Jon or me to call. He said he would call him. I could not believe Paul was so agreeable about it. He has said a number of times that he didn't want to take lessons from anyone, he could not play anymore.

Paul decided to write down a few things to say first. He said he didn't want to stutter or sound stupid. He got the laptop and wrote down what he wanted to say to Mr. Sutherland. Then he made the phone call. He started out with, "Hello, is this John Sutherland? You may not remember me, my name is Paul Fidero. I was a student of yours at Georgia .....oh, you do remember me? Well, I was in an accident almost 2 years ago and I......yes sir, I am doing much better and I was wondering if I could take personal lessons from you again...... Yes sir, that would be great. But I do have one problem. I don't have a guitar. Do you have any that I could buy? You do? That is fantastic. Okay then, I will call you again on Friday." (The reason Paul doesn't have a classical guitar is because he had been using his brother Jon's and Jon had it with him in Virginia.) The whole time Paul was talking to Mr. Sutherland, I had my hands clasped in prayer and I was looking at the statue of Blessed Mother Mary and begged her to open the heart of Mr. Sutherland and let him say yes to Paul. It was such a huge step for Paul to take because I am sure it has been fear that has kept him from moving forward with his music. I think he is too afraid to face what he may have lost. I started to cry with joy after Paul hung up. I jumped up and hugged him. Then Jon, Paul and I all hugged each other. I was so excited that I didn't know who to call first to share this wonderful news. I said to Paul, " You need to tell Judy, she will be thrilled for you." I thought of her because she always cries when she watches Paul play. Paul's amazing response?? "We have to tell the nuns at the Shrine!!"

Amen, Paul.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Sign of the Cross

Last week I received a call from Kay, a woman I know, and she asked if we could join a group of people who were going to pray at an abortion clinic. I thanked her for thinking of us and said we would be there. When I hung up the phone I thanked God for this invitation too.

Years ago, Jon (husband) and James would go on Saturday mornings with a group of people to pray the rosary at the same clinic, while some of us would stay at the church in adoration before the Blessed Sacrament and pray. The last time they went, they were told they would be arrested since there was no sidewalk there, which meant all the property was considered private. It's been about 3 years since that time and now there is a sidewalk, which is considered public property. It is a place to legally stand and say the rosary.

We met everyone last Saturday morning at 6:30 AM at the church and then drove over to the clinic. It was a beautiful morning and finally, a lot cooler weather. There were 9 of us, including a priest, and we lined up on the sidewalk and started to pray the rosary. One of the women held a poster that had the phone number that the women could call as an option to what they were about to do. As we started to pray, a bird started to sing in the tree overhead. It continued to sing for quite a long while as we prayed. As it was the feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Kay said to me later, it was surely a sign that Mary was glad that someone had brought her a birthday gift by praying for the women who entered that building. Someone had finally come to pray there again! I have to say that as I started to pray, I had such an intense sadness come over me. I watched some of the employees walking in and they appeared so cavalier about what was going to happen in that building. I prayed so hard that they would have a conversion in their hearts to realize the full truth that they were participating in taking away the lives of babies. The women who are pregnant come with a different mindset. They have all varied issues that cause them to make this decision. I have to confess, as I stood there I remembered that when I was pregnant with my last son, I realized how someone could get desperate enough to make that decision. We had lost everything (home included) due to successive times of unemployment and we had to finally get help from family to keep feeding our children. I also had to move in with my parents for a few months while Jon came to Atlanta to find a job. We were blessed that we had family to help us. Right after we moved to Atlanta was when I realized I was expecting another baby. In those first days of realizing I was pregnant and at such a rough time in our lives, I was very frightened about how we could possibly afford the care of another child. I really didn't know what we were going to do. We were barely hanging on and my pride kept me too embarrassed to ask for help one more time. I remember how the word abortion flashed into my thoughts and I cried and cried that I felt so desperate that that thought could even enter into my mind. I remember Jon hugging me and telling me that if we believed in God, we just had to trust that He would help us take care of another child. It took every ounce of my being to trust in Him at that very frightening time of my life. It was a minute by minute relationship with God. In hindsight, it was truly the beginning of my really learning to trust God - the beginning of my more spiritual relationship that has grown and continues to sustain me to this day.

So it was with great sadness that I watched the women walk into that building. I prayed they would be forgiven and possibly even be graced with the knowledge to know the truth and to change their minds.

As I prayed for God to have mercy on everyone involved, I was reminded of something Fr. Jack had said about sinfulness. He said that it is false to think that our own sins are less offensive than others. It is wrong to look at others and think their sins are more grievous than our own. All sin is ugly. I have heard it said that if you want to know how ugly our sins are, look at Jesus on the cross. Picture the bleeding wounds from the scourging at the pillar, the crowning of thorns and the nails in His hands and feet. I prayed that God's great mercy would be poured out on everyone.

"Now, as I said before, the reason God's plan permitted Peter to sin was because he was to be entrusted with the whole people of God and sinlessness added to his severity might have made him unforgiving toward his brothers and sisters. He fell into sin so that, remembering his own fault and the Lord's forgiveness, he also might forgive others out of love for them."
(St. John Chrysostom 407 AD)

We went to Mass afterward and Paul left us to sit with the woman whose husband died in January while Paul was having surgery in Charlotte. He always looks to the pew where she always sits and if she is alone, he will sit by her. Paul may have a long walk recovering some of his cognitive abilities, but he has certainly grown so much more in his spirituality. We have talked about his returning to college and how he might want to take a few music classes since it is what he knows best. I mentioned that it might do him a lot of good doing something in which he was so familiar, since so much has changed in his life. It might feel good going back to the campus and being in the area he was before, seeing the same teachers. While he may have lost his 'passion' for music, he still shows so much interest in it when he plays and talks about music. He becomes very enthused about the subject. He has recently said, "Maybe God allowed me to have that incredible passion for music and then took it away so that I would know what passion is. Now He wants me to be passionate about Him instead." I responded by telling him that that was probably a very true thing because Paul's passion for music meant the exclusion of everything else in his life. Everything took a second seat - his faith, his family, his girlfriend. He said that he is not angry that he lost the passion for music, which is maybe very weird. He said he really understands that it is better to have that same passion for Jesus and he hopes to be able to recover enough to do something with his life that will please Jesus. I told him that was more than half the battle - wanting and desiring to please Jesus!

Paul said that he is very glad that when he woke up from his coma, it was obvious that God had touched him because of how he has changed and how he thinks of God all the time now. I said that it was truly the power of prayer that brought that gift from God! I told him to continue to pray that he will use that gift wisely.

The day after we prayed at the abortion clinic, Paul lit a candle. As he lit the candle, he simply said, "For all those babies." He got tears in his eyes and stood there for awhile and then turned to go. When we got outside he said that there are so many reasons for him to accept his suffering. He hates the headaches and the pain in other areas, but He understands that God may need him to do that for awhile. He said he does hope it won't be for a long time though.

"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies." (Is 30:15)

"You need endurance to do the will of God and
receive what He has promised. (Heb 10:36)

Today is Feast day of The Exaltation of the Holy Cross.
We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you because
by your Holy Cross, you have redeemed the world.

"If you wish to have the light of divine grace, and a
heart free from all care, if you wish to curb all harmful
temptations, and to be made perfect in the ways of God,
do not tarry in running to the cross of Christ. Truly there is
no other way for the sons of Christ to manage to find God,
and having found Him, to hold on to Him, but in the life and
way of the suffering God and Man. Continual prayer elevates,
illumines and transforms the soul. Illumined by the light
perceived in prayer, the soul sees clearly the way of Christ
prepared and trodden by the feet of the Crucified."
Blessed Angela of Foligno (1309 AD)

Peace be with you in this day as you remember that our victory
is by the way of the Cross of Christ.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Facts and Figures

A rainbow over the church on the Ave Maria University campus. James took these pictures on his way to class yesterday.














































Jon and Paul searching for
online college courses

Paul and Jon working on some songs they used to play together. It was a great evening for Paul - he played very close to his ability before the accident.

______________________________
So much for catching up the blog like I said in my last posting. So much has been going on. I feel like I am living in the story called "Toad's Wild Ride" that I used to read to my sons. But we are blessed with a full life.

Unfortunately, my mother is back in the hospital in the cardio-vascular ICU. She had been in her new apartment at the assisted living home for only 8 days and is now back at the hospital for the same reasons. Her blood pressure spiked again and since she had already had a dissected aorta, the lining could tear again very easily. She is in stable condition and hopefully will be home within the next 2 - 3 days. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for her.

I thought of my son James and his advice about how God would not just send me patience. If it were given to me, I would not know enough about patience to appreciate the gift. As I reflect on these past 3 weeks and the hectic schedule that has been thrust upon us, I am sure I will now appreciate my ‘pockets of peace’ even more!

So what has kept us busy? Jon, Paul, Jerry and I sat down and worked out a schedule for Paul that will help him move forward in achieving independence. We purchased a number of workbooks that will refresh his memory in math, language arts, reading comprehension and reasoning skills and also crossword, suduko and word find puzzle books to fill in his days. It all got started when we tried to find an online course for him. We were checking out some of the possibilities, but after we talked to a counselor at Shepherd Pathways, it was suggested that Paul audit a class at first so that he doesn’t feel overwhelmed by it. It may be too big a chunk for him. As we continue to work towards getting him back in classes at the university, I felt a bit desperate to find something to stretch his brain use. A friend of Jerry’s suggested we get the S.A.T. pretest materials and let him work on those. We went to the bookstore and found so much material for him to work on. We set up a schedule for Paul that keeps him very busy each day, which means we are on the schedule also. His days are filled with work, exercise, music, chores, and studying. I have to say, he was not a happy camper when we first talked about it. He had gotten used to the care free kind of days where he would go to work, come home and just hang out for hours. He developed a habit of playing Solitaire for hours, which concerned us. He would just ‘zone out’ and not accomplish much. We are seeing that he forms habits very easily, so we decided to help him create more beneficial habits. During the evening when we were all together, planning his days, he reluctantly joined us. He didn’t really like the idea of having his days filled with activities. Paul is still a very ‘laid back’ type of person and he never had much ambition other than becoming a famous musician. Now that that passion is gone, per Paul, he has become TOO laid back! It doesn’t help that the area of his brain that was affected by the injury is the area of initiation. Paul didn’t have much of that to begin with.........smile. The conflict is that he is well aware of the fact that he is 22 yrs old and he is now being told what to do. Yet, in most instances, if he is not told what to do, he nap or play Solitaire.

It remains an area of concern for us. Paul asked Jon when he could move back to Jerry’s and Jon told him, “When you don’t have to ask what you need to do next. When you know how to plan out your days completely. You will do it Paul, it may take a bit of practice and time, but it will all come back to you. You have come light years beyond where you were.” As we continued making out the daily schedule and asking Paul to help decide on the activities, he got less and less interested and actually fell asleep on the couch right in the middle of our conversation. He certainly provided a visual aid as to how he felt about all this! We continued on and finished his schedule for him. We showed it to him the next day and he was irritated at first. Later that day, he came to Jon and I and said he understood he still needed our help and that he would work harder at becoming more independent. He knew that he has a long way to go and he was not angry at us for trying to help him. We told him that his being able to figure this out and accept it showed a lot of growth on his part.

Little by little we are seeing more of his nature come through the fog. We are seeing more of his emotions coming through because he is able to articulate it better. Last night, he came into the kitchen and said very plainly and sadly, “I hate that I had an accident.” I went over to him and hugged him and said, “So do I Paul. So do I. I know your suffering is very difficult for you and Dad and I suffer watching you. I know you are frustrated with trying to overcome so many things and so many things have changed so drastically. But God knows what you need and who you will become. Don’t forget that He is right by your side.” Paul said he knew that God was helping him be the person he was supposed to be, but he is very tired of his headaches keeping him from doing so much more. Then he looked right at me and said very solemnly, “I feel like I am going to cry very hard about all this one of these days.” I told him that that was a very good thing to come to terms with, because it would be an appropriate response to all that has happened to him. I was relieved to hear him finally say something so concrete. It seems to me that it is a beginning of his gaining a better awareness of the enormous change that his limitations have brought to his life. We have a long road ahead, but once again, we have more light coming through the fog.

This past week, we remembered Blessed Teresa on September 5^th. She has always been such a huge inspiration for me. Her beautiful prayers and sayings always impact me and so it was very surprising to hear that she suffered so long without feeling the presence of God in her life. She said that her eyes did not see and her ears did not hear Jesus. She stayed faithful without the help I write about all the time! I can hardly comprehend the enormity of that fact. Her words are so opposite to what she was silently suffering. It is no wonder then that she wrote so knowingly about suffering.

“Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, He has got His head bending down – He wants to kiss you – and He has both hands open wide – He wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that He can kiss you. That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus – it has to come in our life also. Only, never put on a long face. Suffering is a gift from God. It is between you and Jesus, alone inside. Our total surrender will come today by surrendering even our sins so that we will be poor. “Unless you become a child, you cannot come to me.” We need humility to acknowledge our sin. The knowledge of our sin helps us to rise. “I will rise up and go to my Father.”

I thought of something this morning. I remember reading that if we get our reward on earth, then that is the extent of our reward. If we do not seek our reward in earthly terms, our reward will be in heaven. We tend to seek our success in earthly ways, to gain in earthly ways, to get recognition and thanks from the people around us. It made me smile as I thought about the fact that if Blessed Teresa suffered so much isolation in her soul and her rewards were being held in heaven for her arrival, the rewards would surely have been piled higher than Mount Everest! Our world never saw her with a long face. We were left with images of God’s light shining through her face and eyes and smile. Thank you God for the gift of Blessed Teresa, even if it is a reward we have received on earth.

I wanted to share the pictures James took while going to class yesterday. I know that I talk so much about the visual aids I take as signs from God that He loves us more than we can imagine. I do feel blessed that I find so much joy in the beauty of His world. It helps me not have a long face!

May you find peace today, knowing that in all your sufferings, Jesus is leaning to kiss you. A reward coming from heaven.

Love,

Jon and Rebecca

Walk A Mile in His Shoes

After 2 of the busiest weeks I have had in a long time, I am now able to sit down and actually write my 300th posting on this site. I am not sure anyone is even reading this anymore, since I haven't been able to write anything for the past 2 1/2 weeks! But it does serve a purpose for me and so I continue to plug along........

A couple of weeks ago we drove to 30 miles north of Blacksburg, Virginia to meet Marie and Paul. Paul wanted to come home and we didn't have any other time to get him unless we waited until this weekend. Jon and I drove 866 miles that Saturday and we had a chance to have a long talk about what we needed to do to move Paul to a higher level of recovery. It was really a very peaceful day for us and the scenery became more and more beautiful as we headed north of Charlotte and into Virginia. It was a 15 hour drive and by the time we got home, we had decided that we needed to move Paul back into our house where we could watch him more closely to see where he needed more help. Throughout the Summer, Jerry worked hard with him to become more independent and taking charge of his personal needs. He did really well at first, then lately hasn't had the same drive and inititaion. Paul has always been pretty stubborn and his nature has not changed at all since the accident. He is still head strong and if he doesn't agree with us, he doesn't budge easily. He can get very iritated with us when we try to introduce new ideas about activities that may help him. Jon and Marie found that out and at one point, Jon called and told us he had some much more respect for our efforts at caregiving! I told him I appreciated that and also told him that I learned the same lesson in life. It is easy to be an 'armchair quarterback' - but walk a mile in someone's shoes and you will see it isn't always as easy as you think! As Jerry and our family have found out, it is so difficult to move Paul forward in his recovery because none of us have ever experienced this process before. What makes it harder still is no one person's injury is alike. Each person who suffers this type of injury has a different cause, area of impact, age, genetic makeup, past health history and differing complications. Even the medical professionals have to guess in general terms about the best process for recovery. We are trying to fine tune all of this to fit Paul's needs, which means trying new approaches all the time. It's kind of like a coach trying to find the perfect method of putting the athletes through the grueling training, along with keeping their enthusiasm and discipline going.

Paul has shown a lot of patience when it comes to the pain he experiences. He has shown great patience with the medical professionals as they have tried so many different approaches to solving his 24/7 headaches through surgeries. But like all of us, he isn't patient in all ways. He is tired of having to see so many doctors and has actually grown somewhat cynical in their ability to heal him. I had to remind him this last week that he has only one place to put all his faith and trust - in God. He has to remain one with Jesus in carrying his cross. I received an email from a friend who knew we were struggling to find ways to help Paul. It shows a number of people walking along, carrying crosses. One person stops and begs God to lighten their load and they then take a saw and cut off a portion of the bottom of the cross. They walk a littel further and decide that they need to cut off a little more from the bottom of the cross. Everyone else has just continued on carrying their crosses. They get to a canyon and it is too wide to jump across. The other people lay their crosses down and are able to make a 'bridge' over the wide gap, where they can walk on the crosses and get over to the other side. The man who sawed off the bottom of his cross is not able to get to the other side and is stuck where he is.

A simple cartoon, but a good message. And of course, timely for us. We felt very frustrated about what to do next with Paul. He has stagnated in his recovery. He has lost some of his desire to move into a more full life. We noticed he wanted to spend his free time staring at his computer, playing Solitaire. It was almost an obsession with him. I am sure it was a way for him to retreat into a place that was comfortable for him - a way of retreating from this world and the noise and the demands. He hasn't had the drive to sustain a prolonged effort at moving to the next level. We have watched this behavior for the past few weeks, and Jon (son) mentioned it too. He shows some interest at first, but then fizzles out when the 'going gets tough'. We talked to him about going back to school and he keeps giving us all the reasons why he can't. He says, "When I get better I will try it." He doesn't even want to talk about it for very long. In fact, that is when I noticed the pattern of him walking out of the room and then finding him at a computer, playing Solitaire. This was one of the reasons why we moved him back home. We need to take a more disciplined role in his life, so he will become more disciplined also. It seems like he is content with 'floating' along, with no real challenges to his daily routine. In fact, he isn't budging much on that front. I am sure there are huge fears lying just under the surface of his mind, and he is not ready to look at them . His life has changed in a most dramatic way and I can well imagine how he has to have been affected. He is only 22 yrs old and his life is now being directed almost constantly by other people. We have spent many hours talking to him, helping him understand that he will reach independence, but there are still a few hills he has to climb. They are not mountains as high as some of the past ones, just some rolling hills. We remind him there are a lot of people who will walk along side of him. We have learned that Paul needs time to reflect on things before he puts out much effort. We are now spending time praying a lot with him, as he thinks over his options. He has finally agreed to taking an internet college class. Agreeing to it and doing it are not the same though! We actually reached a compromise. We had talked to him about going to Georgia State University for one class. He said he wasn't ready to go back to a college campus, but would try to do an on-line class to see if he can get past his headaches enough to do all that is required. This will be a huge step for him, but we are grateful to God for this concession. It HAD to be with His help that we are finally getting some agreement from Paul, as Paul has gotten very iritated each time the subject was brought up. I have had to remind Paul more than once about Gabriel.

A few weeks ago, Paul and I were so tired from our trip to Virginia, we decided to go to the 11:00 AM Mass the next day (Sunday). It was truly a blessing from God. We were running a bit late and when we got there, there was room only in the very first row. We walked all the way to the front and as we entered the pew, Gabriel and his mother, Lucilla, were sitting there also. Gabriel is 20 and he too had a bad car accident as a passenger and was hit broadside. He suffered a brain injury and unfortunately, was not able to walk either. But the first thing we noticed was that he was STANDING. He had his walker at his side. No wheelchair! I knew he was going to have surgery, but had not heard how it went. Paul and I got to see first hand how well it went. It was the very last effort the doctors could make to help Gabriel walk again. Everyone had high hopes and many prayers had been said in our home for his recovery. There could not have been any more joy beaming from the faces of Gabriel, Lucilla, Paul and I as we looked at each other with huge smiles. The readings that day were so fitting too.

Psalm 40
I have waited for the Lord, and he stooped toward me.
The Lord heard my cry. He drew me out of the pit
of destruction,
out of the mud of the swamp;
He set my feet upon a crag;
He made firm my steps.

And He put a new song into my mouth,
a hymn to our God.
Many shall look on in awe
and trust in the Lord.

Though I am afflicted and poor,
yet the Lord thinks of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, hold not back.

Paul took my hand after this was read and squeezed it. I knew he understood that God was with him.

After Mass, Gabriel encouraged Paul to get back into school. (Great timing.............God's timing!)He told him that he was going to be taking 4 classes after successfully taking 2 last semester. He has gotten to school using the train (Marta) everyday while still in his wheelchair. He still is using his wheelchair for that, since he has to build up the strength in his legs using his walker. But he has the determination to move over that 'rolling hill'. I talked to Paul about keeping the course and that God surely let us see Gabriel that day as a way of encouraging Paul. As you can imagine, Paul was very upset about moving back home. Later that day though, told me he sort of understood why we had to. He knows he has a long road ahead and we can't help him as well when he isn't at home where we can help him stay the course. As the parents, we can be more instrumental in giving the 'disciplined push' Paul needs to actually finish and attain the goals he is more reluctant to work towards. We might have put the cart before the horse when we let him move out. Hindsight is always 20/20. But to be honest, I think now that Paul has seen that he can do so much more on his own, we hope he will strive to do it again. We hope he will set that as his goal to attain.

To Jerry..............you are a saint in our midst. We love you and thank you for the hundreds of kind and loving ways you share with all of us. You picked up the slack for us when we were growing tired and you took over with Paul's life. No one has set a more beautiful example of being a loving brother and as Paul said yesterday - "He is like a fantasy brother - everything anyone could dream up in a brother and he is it." You have been so instrumental in helping Paul climb higher. How awesome it will be when all of us are standing with Paul when he reaches the mountain top! We will all continue to wait in joyful hope.

There is a lot to share about these past 2 weeks and I pray that I will accomplish my goal of writing a blog a day to catch you all up! Some highs and some lows.

We have pictures of Paul's stay in Virginia and stories to share of his time up there! He was looking at some of the pictures last night and you could tell he was reliving his time with Jon and Marie. He shut down his computer by saying, "I sure love those guys." I reflected quietly on how many people he has said this to. Some day, when we look back and read through this blog, it will surely be the best visual aid we've had about God's love for us, shown by so many.

May God's peace and love reign in your hearts.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca