Do You Know What I Know?

I still am having a tough time fitting everything into my day. I am sure I am not the Lone Ranger either! This is the worst time of year for claim adjusters, since everyone is out driving with preoccupied minds and hectic schedules. Hence, I have not been able to keep you updated.

The Friday before Christmas, Mike and James actually came home because of the frantic driving by too many people rushing around to get those last gifts. I was working and it made me feel even more nervous about the fact that I had not had the time to do much shopping at all and had so much ahead of me to do. I knew my weekend would be full and not in the way I had hoped. I had a more reflective and quiet weekend in mind. As it turned out, I was actually blessed a bit in the fact that there were very few people out at the stores on Saturday and I accomplished much. On Sunday, we did what Fr. Paddy suggested we do in those final hours of Advent -sit with the family at a meal and just be together as a way to finish Advent. My brother Keith and his wife Kelly were in town with their children. My sister Beverly's children were all home (her son had time off from the Army base in Germany and her daughter was home from college in Colorado............not even the blizzard that hit there last week kept her away). We all met at a restaurant and relaxed. It was a wonderful and peaceful time for us all. Unfortunately, Jon and I then had to hit the ground running to get some things done for the next day.

Christmas Eve was the most unusual one ever for me. I was anticipating a joyful night filled with activities with family. We decided to go to the 5 PM Mass so that Paul would be able to stay up with us for awhile that night. We knew our usual routine of midnight Mass was not going to work. I was disappointed about it, but the homily by Fr. Joseph was very helpful and in hindsight, I believe it was what God wanted me to hear. He talked about how we all picture what Christmas Day SHOULD be like. The old Currier and Ives pictures of beautiful snow covering the ground and families all together in homes where the fireplace casts a soft glow over everything - peaceful, loving scenes. I had been hoping and anticipating what would certainly be the most joyous occasion for our family, since we were not going to have to drive downtown and get Paul from a hospital for just a few hours. He was home with us. He was talking, walking and understanding everything around him. My anticipation level was very, very high.
After Mass, Paul's head was pounding. I realized that we had missed his afternoon prescriptions and he was now suffering because of it. I was so angry at myself because of the pain this caused Paul and then secondly, because it meant that we could not go to my sister's house, where everyone would be together. I still had a lot of wrapping to do, since I had purchased 85% of the gifts the day before. I told my sons and husband to go on over and be with everyone at Bev's house since my brother and sister in law had gone to a lot of trouble getting down here from Chicago to be with everyone. I would stay with Paul and finish all the last minute details. Later that night, around 9:00, I was cleaning the kitchen and getting the trash out. All of a sudden, I was struck with the disappointment of it all. I felt very alone, because here I was, out in the dark night of Christmas Eve, taking out the trash. I had not had any dinner and I was so incredibly tired.... a really bad combination for me. I started to cry about how all the scenes I had pictured in my head were not playing out at all. All the things I had hoped to do with my sons, all the baking I had hoped to get done, all the moments of shared love, laughter and quiet talks/moments with my family - I had not been able to do any of it due to the escalation of my workload in the prior weeks, getting the house decorated and finally getting the gifts purchased. Jon and the boys were in the same boat and about the only conversation, as we all ran around in our separate directions,was to say where we were going next as we passed each other coming in and out. And now....I was all alone with my disappointment. It was the first time ever that I was all alone on Christmas Eve. So many of the wonderful scenes from years before with my sons, started to flash through my mind and I was so beaten down and sad. I stood out there crying, feeling so sorry for myself. The weight of the whole past year was felt in that moment. I could not stop crying, as I let all the stress, sadness, pressure, and worries of the past months flow out. Then it also started to rain. Just perfect! (Hollywood could not have choreographed it better!) After about 5 minutes, I stopped and just stood there, feeling the cold breeze that was blowing. I started to pray to God to help me get past this very depressing moment in my life because I really had so much to be thankful for - I really did. Paul was still home, he was still capable of doing so many things and we still had so much to be hopeful about. I still had God's love! I just felt such loneliness inside of me in that moment. Almost instantly, the thoughts poured into my head that Blessed Mother Mary must have felt so much worse. She too must have felt alone as she and Joseph traveled to Bethlehem. She must have felt all alone when Jesus was born. Christ the King was being born and she was all alone. As Jesus was born, only Joseph was by her side. This thought really impacted me and I could not help but remember, once again, that I was being allowed to feel a little bit of what Mary must have felt. Even though she is the Mother of God, she is human too. She must have felt fear, loneliness and sorrow in the days before and after the birth of Jesus. The most joyous time in a mother's life - the birth of her first born child - and Mary was without her family. Oh, the huge amount of worries that must have filled the hearts of Joseph and Mary as they realized what they had said 'yes' to and what would lie ahead of them.
I thanked God out loud for helping me put my own feelings into perspective and then I talked to Our Blessed Mother for a few moments more. After a little bit, I remembered that there had been 'angels on high' that Christmas and that they must have brought joy to Joseph and Mary. The joy from heaven above! Only heaven can provide that kind of joy. That lonely night surely must have been turned into a glorious and heavenly sight! I smiled as I thought about the angels in the night sky and looked up and thanked God for helping me 'contemplate' that Christmas Eve so long ago. I turned around and the garage light was behind the seasonal flag I had hanging. It is an angel flag. It was illuminated by the light that was behind it and there was misting rain which could be seen falling in the light glow. It was a very pretty sight and I laughed and thanked God for bringing an 'angel' into my night sky. His love endures forever.

When I was back inside, I understood more clearly the words of Fr. Joseph's homily. He said that Christmas is everywhere and it has occurred - no matter what the situation we were in. The fact remains that Emmanuel - "God with us" is the simple truth, no matter what our circumstance. Whether our Christmas was being spent in illness, poverty, disrupption, broken families, death,homelessness - God is with us - in the Child Jesus. My vision of what Christmas was 'supposed' to be did not happen as scripted by me. God's script became known by me. We are never alone, even for those who don't know God and His love. My heart aches for those who don't know that truth. How TRULY, TRULY lonely they must feel.

Do you know what I know? I pray you do.

Jon and the boys came home and they stayed up with me until 3:00 AM as we finished everything. I shared with them what had happened to me earlier in the evening. It was the GOOD NEWS that God asks us to share with our world - JOY TO THE WORLD, THE LORD HAS COME. LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING. LET EVERY HEART, PREPARE HIM ROOM.

We got up at 6:30 AM and in our pajamas, with hot coffee in hand, we drove over to Bev's house with all our gifts and joined them on that awesome Christmas morning. And Paul was with us. And the best part??? We were surprised with the news that Bev's first grandchild will be born in July. My niece, Becca (I am her Godmother and she is named after me)is having her first child in July! No one knew except Becca and her husband Zach and Bev's daughter Courtney. The noise that occurred in the moments after Beverly opened the gift that had a picture of the baby (sonogram) in a frame that said 'EXPECTING' - well I am sure the neighbors had to have heard us all shouting with joy!

Jon and I went to Adoration from 5-6 PM. As I sat there immersed in the knowledge that the birth of Jesus is our greatest gift, I fell asleep! Jon said I started to breathe really deeply and peacefully and I have to say - 15 minutes later I woke up and felt very rested. May the peace of Jesus Christ be in your hearts and bring you rest.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca