Bits and Pieces

Some bits and pieces to share with you as we close the year 2006.
With all the long delays between my postings lately, there are things I didn't make note of.

James came home from Austria with a lot of stories to share with us and some wonderful religious articles he purchased while traveling. We are so proud of all that he was able to do, along with getting A's in his classes. He traveled to 12 countries and he said one of the most powerful experiences was while he was in Poland, seeing the birthplace of John Paul II and the Nazi camp of Auschwitz, where St. Maximilian Kolbe died. The other place that remains special to him is Lourdes, France. He said that he had purchased a lot of Lourdes holy water in small bottles to bring back for Paul. He also brought him a rosary. He said that while he was at the grotto where the apparition occured he all of a sudden got the idea to pinch off a bit of moss that grows right there. He put it in one of the bottles of holy water he had with him. Later, when he was coming home to the USA, he had forgotten about the rules of not being able to bring liquids onboard and he had to turn over most of the bottles of holy water that he had with him. He quickly tucked away 5 of the small bottles and was able to save the one with the moss from the apparition site. He was literally filled with glee as he told us how he had managed to get some of the holy water home. We all prayed over Paul and blessed his head with some of the water that had the bits of moss in it. Paul was so happy his brother had done this for him. He hugged him and thanked him over and over. James also brought home a beautiful icon of Our Lady of Czestochowa, which is a copy of the one that Pope John Paul II prayed in front of as a youth. Michael chose St. Maximilian Kolbe as his patron saint for Confirmation, and since St. Maximilian, St. Faustina (of Divine Mercy) and John Paul II were all from that local area and attended that church, James wanted Michael to have something to remember these 3 awesome people and the examples of their lives. It was good to have James home with us for that week. He went to Chicago with my brother's family when they returned home. He is interviewing at a couple of different schools in that area for a possible transfer. He will come home next week sometime to get all his belongings ready, whether it be for a transfer to a school in Chicago or back to Ave Maria. I am missing him sorely!

Paul is steadily making progress with keeping busy throughout the whole day. He is also staying up a lot later than before. This past week, his friend Brendan came by and took him to a party. The party was for Matt McMichael. Matt, Brendan and Paul played in a band together in high school and Paul gained a lot of his skills during that time. Matt is an excellent guitarist and he helped Paul a lot. It was the first time that Paul has gone to a party since his accident. He told Brendan that he would go, but that he probably wouldn't be able to stay long. Brendan said that was okay and came by to get Paul. Brendan has been a great friend to Paul this last year, coming to see him whenever he is back in town from college. They stayed about 30 minutes and Paul really enjoyed seeing some of his friends again. The next day, Paul was playing the piano again and talking about music theory to his dad. It is one area Paul still remembers very well. I think that is because he was with his friends who had shared so much music with him, he was showing the interest again. He doesn't want to play the guitar yet. We don't know if it is because he gets so frustrated or if he really doesn't have the same amount of interest, which is what he tells us. Time will tell if Paul will get back to his music or not. I am sure if God intends it, Paul will be led.

There were a couple of days where Paul was going to have to be home by himself for a few hours. It brought to light the fact that Paul does indeed have a deficiency in the area of initiation. If he does not have someone getting him up and suggesting he eat, he would not do it. He has to have a written schedule or verbal instructions to get to the next task. He will follow the schedule to the tee, but he does not seem to be able to figure out what he should do next. We heard early on, while he was at Shepherd Center that the areas most impacted in his accident would be memory (short term) and initiation. That is proving to be correct. He can remember the most minute things from his past, but can't always remember if he ate lunch, or if he took his last dose of medicine. He also asks us what we think he would like to eat, if we are out at a restuarant. He will ask what we are ordering, will ask if he has had it before and if he liked it. It seems as if he is not able to remember how things tasted. This only happens when we go out to eat. One thing he definitely remembers and that is that he really dislikes cantaloupe. I can't fool him by telling him he used to love it. He will say adamantly, "You are mistaken. I never liked cantaloupe."

His memory of words is also affected. He asks us often what a word means while we are talking, or he is reading. It is usually words he would not have used often, or slang words. Some words I am surprised he doesn't remember. Once we give him the definition he has full recall of it and then won't have to ask us again. He can always spell the words correctly, but just doesn't remember their meaning. One thing he has started to do again and that is make variations on words. He used to do this before the accident. For example, someone started to say our last name as 'Fideho'(pronounced Fidayho). Paul immediately started to say 'whoops-a-dayho' when he would drop something or make a mistake. He has always like to have fun with words and change them around. He is doing that again, in an even more exaggerated way. Sometimes it is very clever and funny, other times, it is child like.

Jon and I were talking about how much Paul has changed. We are not sure how much is permanent. We have been told that the healing process will take years and our hope is that his maturity level will improve. He has a good, basic knowledge and understanding of most things. His intellect is far better than we first thought. We were thinking back to a year ago and how his inability to swallow, talk, walk and eat were severely handicapped. He has come such a long way, but we know too that he has a long way to go. Anything is possible - with lots of possibilities becoming the reality. I don't know if that truth is just finally sinking in for us, or that we are just plain fatigued. We seem to have reached an emotional low in these past few weeks. We have not lost our trust in God, who will bring us all that we need to follow His way. But there is no denying we hit a very low point. I am sure that the stress has taken its toll on our family in ways we were not prepared for and maybe now that we have come this far along, we finally have more time to reflect on how our lives have been changed. I have a much better understanding about the saying that traumatic events can either make or break families, marriages, relationships. And believe me, our family has been stretched very thin emotionally. Seeing the signs of that strain through these past few weeks had me feeling that possibly we were not going to be able to stand up to the test. It made me feel such sorrow that I had not been able to help each of my children hold up better. I realized that all my attentions were so focused on Paul, I had not really been available for my other sons. We had put their needs on hold and I am sure it seemed to them they had been shut out. We have all been hurting this past year in our separate ways and each of us have gone off in our own directions, trying to hold on and mend emotionally. Then the feast of the Holy Family came and in hearing the readings and gospel of that day, it was as if God was speaking directly to us. I realized that we needed to improve in our ability to draw together. We need to face the realities of how our lives have been changed and take time to talk to each other again.

From the Magnificat prayerbook:
"The family is the privileged setting where every person learns to give and receive love. The family is an intermediate institution between individuals and society, and nothing can completely take its place. The family is a necessary good for peoples, and indispensable foundation for society and a great and lifelong treasure for couples. It is unique good for children, who are meant to be the fruit of the love, of the total and generous self-giving of their parents. The family is also a school which enables men and women to grow to the full measure of their humanity."

Pope Benedict wrote, "O God, who in the Holy Family, left us a perfect model of family life lived in faith and obedience to your will, help us to be examples of faith and love for your commandments."

From Pope John Paul II - "In a world that is becoming ever more secularized, the great task of the believing family is to become conscious of its own vocation and mission. In every circumstance, the starting point for this work is to safeguard and intensify PRAYER, AN UNCEASING PRAYER TO THE LORD to increase one's faith and make it more vigorous. It is true that when one goes through difficult times, the support of science can be of great help, but nothing can replace an ardent, personal and confidant faith that is open to the Lord, who said, "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened and I will give you rest" (MT 11:28). The indispensable source of energy and renewal, when frailty and weakness increase, is the encounter with the living Christ, Lord of the Covenant. This is why you must develop an intense spiritual life and open your soul to the Word of life. In the depths of the heart the voice of God must be heard; even if at times it seems to be silent, in reality it resounds continually in the heart and acoompanies us along the path that can have its burden of sorrow. We must never forget what is essential, namely, to live in the family under the tender and merciful gaze of God."

With all the publications of useful 'New Year's Resolutions' - this is the one that spoke to my heart. It was so timely, since I saw and experienced the signs that our family was not holding up together very well under the burden of this past year. It also drew into sharp relief the fact that we had dropped the practice of daily family prayers and the rosary and going to the sacrament of reconciliation as a family. We had let life start to dictate what would happen each day, as we basically were reacting to it, rather than centering ourselves daily in Christ, then proceed according to His will. Jon and I have started to get to Adoration as often as we can, but have not made the 6:30 AM Mass a priority again. There is no reason we can't go, so we have decided to start our day together and with Christ as our guide. I asked myself what changes need to be made to swing the family pendulum back to the side of holiness and daily prayer is the answer. The first and foremost answer. Then, we need to carve out the time to listen to all of our sons and strive to make the present situation with Paul more of a win-win situation for our WHOLE family. I took the advice I learned on the feast of the Holy Family and prayed to God with my whole heart for the help we needed to turn us all around so that we would be a support for each other again, in love and prayerfulness.

Jon and I sat and talked in great length about the problems we have and the possible solutions. We started with the fact that Paul has become the 'tail that wags the dog'. Through no fault of his own, we have developed the habit of allowing his every move to dictate our actions and reactions. We have loved well, but not wisely. I am sure our behavior is like everyone else - we have been so happy he is alive, we have catered to his every need. What we have done is contributed more to his being an invalid child than a more full and functional adult.

So yesterday morning, after a small battle getting him to eat breakfast after church, we told him to pick out 2 chores from the list we made up for him. He not only did them, he helped get the Christmas tree (which was unfortunately, prematurely dead) out of the house, vacuumed up the needles and drove with his dad to the fire station to recycle the tree! We hugged him and congratulated him on the jobs well done. He then helped me go through some containers of his clothes, deciding what he liked and didn't like, so we could recycle them. He and Jon then threw the frisbee in the front yard and Paul did really well with it, catching it more than missing it. We all got a good laugh when Paul stood in the next yard over and told Jon to be ready for a 'long throw'. The frisbee sailed up high and then landed on the roof. Jon called over to Paul and said, "Well that will about do it! You win!" Paul was laughing so hard and came over to his dad and put his arm around his shoulder as they both looked up at the stranded frisbee. Later, as I continued the process of clearing out some stuff from the garage I came across a basketball. I threw it to Paul and asked him to get some more excercise. He and Jon started a warm up of bouncing it back and forth to each other, then Paul started down the front sidewalk of the house and was dribbling it and then bounced it between his legs, from behind, and caught it as it came in front of him! Jon and I asked him to do it again and he did it very smoothly. It was so much fun to see him put in a full day like this. He went on to help get the table set for dinner, as Anne and Jerry came by for New Year's day dinner. Since we had been cleaning the closet, Paul came across a poker table top he had made for his dorm and he asked if he could bring it in and put it on the kitchen table. We set it up and all played Texas Hold'Em! Paul was completely in charge of the game and the rules and was able to tell us pretty much what we had. He knew when we were bluffing because of how we bet, and by the cards showing on the table! I remembered he had tried to teach Jon and I a couple of years ago, how to read the signs of people's actions, betting habits, and use the information of the cards played, to win this game. He was very good at playing and I knew he had won a good amount of money at it. It was something I had actually been afraid he would start to do seriously. Later on, it seemed like he was not talking about it as much and I asked him if he was still playing for money. He said that he started to realize he was becoming somewhat addicted to it and backed off from playing. He had won a good amount of money, but realized it was a bad habit for him to get into. I was so relieved to hear him say it - without us having to counsel him about it. Playing with him last night showed he knew exactly what he was doing and he was very aware of what we were all doing! Thank goodness we were only using chips. Jon and I didn't fare very well.

He finally went to bed around 11 PM and had not complained much about his headaches. Our hope is that we can continue to get a lot more out of him and not fall back in our expectations of him - move him past the mental state of thinking he is an invalid. Mike watched it all with less surprise than I thought he would have. Later, when he and I were having a late night 'one on one' he said he knew all along that Paul was capable of more, and felt we were 'babying' him too much. I told him that we were going to start 2007 with more prayer and more involvement from all of our sons. We had a long talk about how we realized we had isolated ourselves in the care of Paul and that we had neglected to include Mike in many ways. We have some bad habits to iron out and for Paul, it won't come easy. One thing Paul does have is a very strong opinion about everything! His inability to stay totally rational about things has caused some tough times for us. I know that our faith and trust in the love of God will help us get through it all. One day at a time.

We pray that the New Year will be blessed and that God will keep us all awake and watchful. May we all recognize His real presence in every moment of our lives, through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

Thank you for supporting us in so many ways as we struggle on our path.
Thank you for allowing Jesus to work through you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca