Pot of Stew

Jon has said more than once that if I am not worrying, I will be dead. While I have not written in a long time, it is not because I am dead. I have been ‘stewing’.

With today’s Gospel, I was fed. It is the story of the miracle of the 5 barley loaves and 2 fish feeding thousands of people who had gathered to hear Jesus speak. But right before Monsignor Tally started to read the Gospel, my mind was still ‘stewing’ . I was going over all the things I needed to get done and was stressed over how I would accomplish all the tasks that were lined up for this day. I had my Magnificat daily prayer book in my hand and had it opened to the page of today’s Gospel. I thought to myself that I had not opened this month’s edition and flipped back to the beginning to see the listing of all the saints whose feasts would be celebrated in April. Then I was flipping back to today’s readings to be ready to follow along with Monsignor as he read the Gospel, but then stopped at the Meditation of the Day for April 1st. It was written by St. Teresa of Avila. She wrote about a time when she had a vision of the Mother of God descend with a great multitude of angels , while St. Teresa was praying before a statue of Our Blessed Mary. At the end of the prayer, Mary spoke and said, “You were indeed right in placing me here; I shall be present in the praises they give my Son, and I shall offer these praises to Him.”

St. Teresa then writes, “ After this, I remained in the kind of prayer I now have, that of keeping my soul present with the Blessed Trinity. And it seemed to me that the Person of the Father drew me to Himself and spoke very pleasant words. Among them, while showing me what He wanted, he told me: “I gave you My Son and the Holy Spirit, and this Blessed Virgin. What can you give Me?”

I read the words of the last sentence again very slowly. What WOULD I give to my God? I fail so miserably at everything I attempt lately. All my stewing in the Easter season is about how I can’t seem to get a discipline of prayerfulness back, I can’t get Paul moved ahead in so many ways, my house is in the middle of a remodel job that has come to a halt, with the mess all around me. It is the visual aid of how my mind is these days - filled with too much mess and stress. Mostly about Paul. How can I do all that needs to be done for him, with my days filled to the max with so many other things? Writing on the blog is always on my mind, but it always gets put on the bottom of the list of things to do each day.

So back to the Mass today. After I had quickly read the meditation and then dwelled for a moment on that last sentence, I realized the Gospel had already been started. I found the place where they were and continued to follow along, thinking to myself - “Oh yeah, I know this Gospel.” I didn’t really listen as it was being read. I had heard it before and I wanted to get back to dwelling on that sentence. I felt basically …..miserable. I don’t ever seem to give anything back to God. I go to my job, I tend to the family in the little bit of time I have each day…………..but I don’t really DO anything FOR God. Then the Gospel reading was over and we sat down. Then God spoke to me through Monsignor Tally. He said this Gospel was filled with so many messages he didn’t know where to begin. But he said that the one thing that really caught his attention was the little boy who had the 5 loaves of bread and the 2 fish. He saw the thousands of people sitting around and in great faith, offered what he had to the apostles. He had only a tiny little bit to give, but he offered it with great love. He didn’t worry about how all those people would be fed. He just offered up his only possession. He let God do the rest. “What can you give Me?” That sentence jumped back into my thoughts and I answered God. “I will give you every little thing I have.”

It will not be one grand and marvelous event that will be my way of showing God that I love Him. It will be in the everyday events. The little actions that we all do that are mostly unnoticed by anyone around us, the words that we may never know will comfort others, the prayers said silently for everyone who needs them. I have felt so burdened with the job of getting Paul moved ahead and ready for college and ready to do something wonderful for God. God graced him with continued life here on earth, so there must be something really important for Paul to do. I have worried that I would fail God by not helping Paul attain all that God needs from him. I forgot that the recovery process is truly like watching grass grow. It is very slow and there are times when there seems to be no progress and no matter how much I ‘stew’ about it, it is not in my hands. I can only offer my few ingredients and then let God take over the rest. If God needs Paul to do something great, He will have to provide the rest.

It is incredible that I forgot some of the truths I learned early on in this whole event with Paul. The truths that always bring me peace. Blessed Teresa said it best………….do small things, but with Great Love.
That may even be the ‘great event’ that God wanted from Paul. He does not do anything that would make headline news, but he always does things with great love. He is simple in a number of ways, yet he always brings so much laughter into our days. Everyone who meets him seems to enjoy being with him, most especially children. He is an example of total dependence on God and a vision of the faith of that young boy offering his fish and loaves to help feed the masses of people. Paul is gentle, kind and patient and offers his love to everyone around him. He gives up freely the little he has, with a steadfast belief that God will guide him. He talked a lot about being able to have a wife and children in the months before Easter. On Good Friday, Paul, Michael and I attended the Stations of the Cross, then later that afternoon, the reading of the Passion and the veneration of the Cross. That night, we watched the Passion of the Christ. I went to bed with so many thoughts and emotions. Apparently, Paul did too. One of the first things he said to me on Holy Saturday was that he thought so much about having a wife and children, and while he would love to have that in life, he felt that Jesus was calling him to be a priest. He would do that for Jesus, because Jesus blessed him with his life. He said that if Jesus could offer up His life for us, then Paul would offer up his life for God. I told Paul that that would remain between him and God. And while that is true, that is where I started to feel stressed about how I needed to get Paul to be more independent, accept more responsibility, and get him into college and get a degree and …………………

Yep …..…..I had put the pot on the fire and it was ‘stewin’ baby. I had felt restless and overwhelmed ever since. I forgot that all I can do is take it one day at a time, ask for the guidance and offer up my love and Paul to God. He will finish cooking it. He will use it to feed the masses.

So, today, while I can’t feed the whole world, I can offer my few ingredients and share what I have learned with you. I will add my prayers (that include your intentions) and like you, will have to wait to see what’s for dinner.

Paul is feeling very good these days. He is using his micro current machine every day. We have not seen a lot of progress, but will give it time. If it is meant to bring healing, it will. It does help him with his pain and that is the best part. Without pain, Paul has very full days. He is now reading and writing book reports for us each day, summarizing what he has read. His sentences are correct grammatically, and they are showing more maturity and depth of thought. I was very happy to see that improvement. Writing skills will be very necessary for college. He does math very well too. He works on a computer site called Happy Neuron and it helps him with all sorts of skills - memory, reasoning, problem solving, logic. At first, he would become easily discouraged when he would score really low. But we encouraged him to keep at it and eventually he would see improvement. He used to give up and would go back to playing solitaire on his computer. He would become very defensive about how poorly he did. Yesterday, he called me to let me know he had finally passed a level and was going to move onto the next one. It was in the area of memory and he knows he has a lot of problems with that. For example, he asked me this morning what he told the barber last time about how he liked his hair cut. He is getting his hair cut again today and wanted it done the same way. I reminded him of what he said last time, then suggested that he keep a folder on his computer and enter that kind of information into it for future reference. He said he thought about doing that exact thing - keeping records of that kind of stuff.

He has taken over the full care of his dog. He is responsible for her meds, flea protection, grooming and feeding schedule. His watch alarm goes off almost hourly as he is reminded of daily activities. Before he gets into the car each day for work, he taps his chest, his 2 pants pockets, his jacket pockets and then get into the car. He does that as he makes sure he has his sunglasses, his eye drops, his keys, his watch, his wallet, Kleenex and Tylenol (just in case of increased head pain). He knows there are 7 things he wants to have with him and has figured out this method to remember them all. I don’t even ask him any more. He forgot his lunch one time and called me to ask what he should do. I asked him what he wanted to do. He had to think about it for a little bit, then realized that he had a debit card and could go with anyone from his office to go get lunch. He now lets me know that the reason he is not bringing a lunch is that he has made plans to go out to lunch. He is slowing realizing that he doesn’t have to call me, or Jon or Jerry or Judy to figure everything out. It is a slow process, but we are working really hard to make him think of the solutions to his problems. We are learning how to let go of caring for his every need. We only enable his being an invalid when we do this. It has been a slow learning process for us too!!!

God will get us there. This I know.
So, on this First Friday, Jon and I started back to the 6:30 AM Mass. We had missed it since Holy Week and it was truly a gift to us. Yes, we needed to be fed and we were.

God our Father, you gave us Christ, your Son, as the living bread to renew us.
Let Christ be our teacher and instruct us ,
so that we may learn your truth and
practice it in love.
Peace in Christ,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca