The Sahara

(Of course it is a long one - It's been a month!)

Around the time of my last posting......................many weeks ago...........I made an unexpected detour into the desert. I felt 'bone dry' and could not seem to make my way back out. My disciplines had gone by the way side, my thoughts wandered away from prayer so easily and I found myself really struggling to find some sign that Jesus was still with me. I sat at my computer many mornings asking God to help me write something and nothing came to mind. I experienced either a huge void or I could not keep my thoughts from heading off in tangents without my being able to corral them. It was exactly like the having 'pop ups' that show up on your computer as you try to get to the site you really want. I came to the conclusion it was time to find out what God needed me to do next. I honestly felt very sad and empty because writing has been a wonderful experience for me. It helped guide me and it gave me strength. It was kind of like getting a 'pep talk' from God each time these ideas came into my head. So I've been praying (as diligently as I could) for the guidance from God. What next??? And the answer was silence. No direction, no sign. At times, I felt very anxious about it because I felt this great sense of urgency just below the surface of my thoughts and yet I couldn’t get any clarification of what the urgent need was. It was like wheels spinning in the mud. This past week, I sat quietly in church after Mass and said, "I give up Lord. If you want me to do something big or even small, you will have to make it more clear to me. Remember who you are dealing with. It‘s me, the obtuse one." I left the church empty again. The next day, I remembered the prayer from Mother Angelica and prayed to my guardian angel "Please whisper in my ear what God needs me to do." Right before I was to receive Communion, it came to me "I need you to take care of Paul." I felt a quietness in my soul. I found a peace I had not been feeling. I worked hard to keep my tears back as I walked up to receive Jesus. I found myself really, really feeling like I was walking right towards His loving gaze as I came closer to the priest. When I got back to my pew, I asked what He meant. Then the realization came to me. I had not only fallen off in my discipline of prayerfulness and going to Mass often, I had fallen off in my spiritual care of Paul. Here is how it happened.
I got to meet Jose (who I wrote about in my last posting) at our grandson's Baptism. He is back in Washington and he came to Jon and Marie's. At the church, he came up to me and introduced himself and as I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I can't explain. Maybe Jesus looking back at me? I was so taken with his gaze. He asked about Paul before anything else! This young man who has endured so much suffering and yet had a look of pure joy on his face. He amazed me as he spoke about how he is working to pull it all together and how he knows God will help him. But what struck me most was his interest in Paul as he made his troubles secondary. Later, as we were leaving to go back to Jon's house, I was telling Paul about Jose's love for God and the strength he showed and Paul's face softened into a very tender look and he turned around and walked back into the church. He walked up to Jose and asked if he was going to be coming to the house also. When we got to the house, Paul made it a point of watching for him so he could talk to Jose. Later, he told me he could not believe how awesome Jose was. After that, I could not get Jose out of my mind. I wanted to do so much for him, yet didn't know what else to do. I know that prayer is very powerful and I knew I would pray for him. But what else? I started to feel anxious about all the sorrow and sadness people have to endure in this world. Over the next few days, then weeks, I felt an urgency to go out and do something big in this world to help people. That is when I started to feel so dry and empty too. How could I help this world? Which direction should I head in? I then felt some despair as I realized that I have a very demanding job and I need to keep working to help with Paul’s medical needs. How could I do anything big since I was tied down to this demanding job I go to everyday? When did I have time to go out into the world, much like Blessed Teresa? Okay, I will confess, I had also started to read the book about this saint’s life and even though she felt no love or consolation from God, she continued on with a supernatural faith. I was so amazed at how she walked out into the slums and began her ministry. It made me want to do the same thing! I met Jose and he and his family has been suffering so much. There are so many people I have heard about that are suffering so much more than we ever have. I am also very cognizant of all the neglect and absence of love in this world. I found my heart yelling out to God "WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU LORD?" Where do I start - just lead me on Lord! I thought about the blog and I told myself that I had nothing more to say. I wanted to get my hands into something - I wanted my hands to look like Blessed Teresa's when I died!
With all of this going on in my mind, I entered the desert. I could not stay focused on anything when I prayed to be told where to go and what to do. There are so many directions one could go - the homeless, the abused, the neglected elderly, the lonely - I get many mailings from organizations who plead for help. Again Lord, which way do you want me to go?
Silence was my answer. I prayed anyway, even though I felt so empty and confused. If Blessed Teresa could go on for 50+ years, I would try hard to wait to hear what God’s plans were for me. My prayers seemed flat - I could hardly get any emotion into them. They were just very repetitive. After weeks of this, I got that message to take care of Paul.
I looked at our situation closely and wondered what else I could do. I thought about how God certainly spared Paul’s life and it occurred to me that He must really have a purpose for him. But we needed to work harder at moving him forward. I realized we had become a lot more lax in our attempts to act on a number of fronts concerning his recovery. Paul had also fallen into a worse state cognitively. He seemed very lethargic, and his memory was worse than ever. Jon and I pretty much felt that he had come as far as he was going to and that we would just take care of his needs for life. So with the renewed message of ‘take care of Paul’, I asked God to show me the way. We had talked about getting him more active, so I had Paul call a new gym right down from our neighborhood. It is very small and it is not going to attract the very fit and young. (My kind of place!) Paul liked that it was more quiet and not crowded. So we all joined.
After a number of delays in getting Paul registered for college, I called him on Wednesday and found out he was not going to have to work. I immediately told him to be registered by noon and I would be home to follow up. He seemed irritated at my new attitude of urgency, but I told him to trust me - God had plans for him and I was to help make it happen. When I got there, Paul was underway, but had a couple of things he was not sure about. He needed to pick another degree program. After some conversation, he chose General Business. I told him he could always change but to just get registered.
As we did that, we learned the cut off date was February 1st ! I told Paul that God had spoken to me just in time! I told him that I would be working really hard with him again and that it was not meant to frustrate him. God needed him to accomplish some task while he is on earth and my new job from God was to help prepare the way for Paul.
I have joyfully taken on this seemingly simple job and have been so happy about it. At first, I was incredibly disappointed it wasn’t something on a larger scale or ‘more important’. Then I remembered what St. Therese said. When she told her older sister, (who was also a nun) that she wanted to do something really great in the world, her sister had her fill a large pitcher with water and also a thimble. Then her sister asked St. Therese - “which one is more full?” I had forgotten that important message along the way these past few months. Each of us has a mission. God decides the magnitude and reason. As I was trying to ramrod my way into some great accomplishment, I was doing it for my greater glory. I had to finally own up to it. In my defense (which is Paul’s favorite line, used about every day……..smile) who wouldn’t want to be as awesome as Blessed Teresa? I want to do something that will help me get to heaven too!!
I am the thimble. Thanks be to God for allowing me to be even that much! I will be content with being a spiritual warrior, a ‘giant’ of prayerfulness right now and will keep my eyes open for the path God needs me to lead Paul and my other sons. These young men are my gifts and I have been given the duty to pray them home. People who enter my pathway are my gifts. I have been given the duty to pray them home.
So this morning, I got up and decided to get a blog written because I felt a new found urgency to write. I got it after I said good night to Paul and blessed him and then said I didn’t have to go into work until later, so maybe I could take him to the 9:00 AM Mass. He smiled back at me and said, “That would be great. It is First Friday you know.” I spun around and said, “NO, I DIDN”T remember, but YOU DID!” By golly Paul, God does need me to keep helping you with the same urgency I had to go out into the world and make things happen.
We went to Mass and I sat in joyful conversation with Jesus once again. I told Him I would be most joyful to feed His sheep as they were brought to me. I would let Jesus decide all of that. The response I received from Jesus came immediately after. Fr. Paddy was not feeling well and he called me up to the altar. I had seen another Eucharistic Minister go up to the altar already, so I was not sure why I was being called up. Fr. Paddy handed me the ciborium containing the Body of Christ. He needed me to give Jesus to the people, as he was not well. I became a Eucharistic Minister years ago so that I could take it to the nursing homes. My father had not been able to receive Communion very often in his final days and that is what lead me to that ministry. Out of all the people who were at Mass, Fr. Paddy looked up and called out to me. I really believe it was Jesus who called out to me to let me know He is guiding me and He will bring the people He intends into my pathway. I don’t have to go out into the world very far I guess. Thanks be to God for His love for us children.
I will write this weekend about some of the new and improved things Paul is starting to do. He must have had to ’shut down his engine so some work could be done’, because he is really going at it again. Apparently, both our engines were down this last month!
He had one set back last Tuesday night. He walked into the darkened bedroom and he tripped over Abby and fell face first into the nightstand. There are nightlights all over the place, but she was not in a lighted area. We raced to the ER at 11:00 PM and left at 3:30 AM after not being called. We were all so fatigued and I was almost certain he was alright. He was very coherent and the only pain was in his cheek and to the right of his eye (the right one, praise be to God!). I would call the neurosurgeon in the morning and if we were going to have to go to Charlotte, we needed some sleep and that is why we left. He was not required to go, and we had our own doctor get an xray of Paul’s face. There was nothing broken and Paul did not suffer an increase in headaches, so he is going to be alright. He has a black eye, which depressed him a good bit. He said to us, “Great, now I am a total freak instead of half a freak”. He finally let us know how his facial paralysis makes him feel. We were happy to hear him voice this. It was in the days following this that I got the message to ’Take care of Paul.” You can bet we are watching him like a hawk!

May the Sacred Heart of Jesus surround you with love and protection on this First Friday.
I pray you are all well and will keep you in my prayers.
Listen closely for Him to speak. I am sure He has a message for you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca