Come Clean

As I journey through this Lenten season, I have prayed that I would be more clearly aware of my own sinfulness so that I could experience a healing in my soul. While I always pray for healings of the body for our family and friends, it came to my mind to also focus on a healing of my soul as Lent began.

Two weeks ago, Jon, Paul and I drove to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. It was the weekend before the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes on Monday 2/11. This year marks the 150th anniversary of her appearance before Bernadette. I was very much aware of this anniversary due to the Pope’s announcement of the plenary indulgence associated with Our Lady of Lourdes. I was praying most fervently that I would see my sinfulness with greater clarity as I prepared for the Sacrament of Reconciliation that weekend. I did not want to rationalize away any of my patterns of behavior - I wanted to look at myself with total honesty so that I could confess all my sins that I was aware of. I don’t know about anyone else, but I do not enjoy having to actually say my sins out loud. But Jesus already knows our sins and He told St. Faustina in her diary, that He wanted her to speak them out loud.

On Saturday afternoon there was a procession around the grounds of the Shrine with the altar servers carrying the statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. There was a large group of people following and we prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary as we processed. There were 4 young girls who were dropping rose petals as we walked along the pathways. It was a very peaceful time for me personally. By the time we got back, the priests were ready to hear confessions. Almost always after the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I feel a great peace. This time I did not. I felt very saddened. I prayed afterwards for a long time in the Shrine and pondering the truth that Jesus always forgives us. It is hard to understand that kind of love. Harder still to totally accept it. We are so limited in our concept of this perfect love. I have been blessed in thousands of ways and yet, I was very aware this time of how my sinfulness truly hurts Our Lord. I felt an unworthiness like never before. I know I can never be worthy of heaven. Our salvation comes through Jesus. But I had a greater sense of how my sinfulness truly hurts God, hurts my relationship with Him I left the Shrine with a very heavy heart.

It stayed with me through the night and into the next day. I really questioned whether I was on the right track with Jesus. I know we are forgiven our sins, but I found myself dwelling on my weakness and how I fall into sinfulness so easily. Would I ever become more disciplined and show greater strength in avoiding sinful patterns? How could I ever stay on the road of the saints?

On our drive home, Jon and I talked about this and he reminded me that I was heading into despair and that was a tool of Satan. I understood what he was saying, but I was having a difficult time turning away from this inner sorrow. I was so sorry as I looked back on my life, with all the ways that I had failed to return the love He so freely gives. All the time I had wasted on pursuing ’earthly treasures’. It is not that I was doubting God’s love for me, I just really doubted me! What will it take for me to become a more holy child of God? Wasn’t Jesus dying on the cross enough? What greater love is there? Paul’s accident certainly was an eye opener to the amount of love God has for us all.

I continued to dwell on all of this and found no answer to this intense inner pain I was experiencing. Monday was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, so I asked Paul if he wanted to go to Mass and we would pray for continued healing for him and the family. Once we got to church, we learned that there was a healing Mass that evening, so we waited until that time to attend. Jon had gone to the 6:30 AM Mass, so just Paul and I went that night. As I prayed for Paul, I drifted into prayer for a true conversion of my heart, so that I might better serve our Lord. I went home that night and continued my prayers to Our Lady of Lourdes to help me truly heal all that keeps me from serving our Lord with humility and perseverance.

I spent the better part of that week in prayerfulness whenever I had a spare moment. I kept up my efforts at working through this sense of sorrow I still had inside. I worked to fill this void with prayers. One morning, I sat quietly as the morning sun slowly brought light and wondered about this feeling of loss and sorrow. Where had it come from? What was God trying to tell me? I asked God to show me His way, because whatever the message was, I was not getting it at all. I did tell Him that I would wait and if this was another test in patience, please provide the strength to help me remain prayerful and not waiver in my faith.

I got up to get a cup of coffee and saw the booklet a woman showed me while we were at the Shrine. I had just met this woman early Saturday morning and she mentioned that there was a wonderful booklet written by Mother Angelica and told me the title. She had met Paul and she told me this book was about suffering. I said I would look for it in the book store. As Jon, Paul and I browsed through the store, I had forgotten the title of that booklet and had also become distracted by my conversations with Jon and Paul. As I was in line to purchase a few gifts, this woman came up to me with the booklet in her hand and gave it to me. She said it was a remarkable book. I admit it surprised me that she was so persistent! Later I tucked it into my suitcase and when I got home, I placed it on the table in our prayer/music room. And there it sat until I was lead back to it……….in God’s time!

I read through the table of contents and the title “Repentant Suffering” got my attention and I started to read. Instantly I was reading the very words that described how I had been feeling. Someone knew exactly what was in my heart and I was comforted.
“ When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted,” (Matt. 5;5)
“He was speaking of the sorrow that follows true repentance. Only those who have fallen deeply understand what the word “mourn” means. The sinner who suddenly realizes God’s love for him and then looks at his rejection of that love, has a feeling of loss similar to the depth of a loved one. A deep void is created in the soul and a loneliness akin to the agony of death. The soul feels wrapped in an icy grip of fear. This is not, however, the fear of punishment but the realization of its ingratitude towards so good and loving a God.
Sorrow begins to heal the wounds made by sin and God Himself comforts the soul with the healing balm of His Mercy and Compassion.
If the sin were great, the soul, humbled by self-knowledge, remembers its weakness so as never to offend God again but forever rejoices in His Mercy. This combination of mourning and comfort keeps the soul in a state of dependence and trust in God who sought and found His lost sheep.
When the soul realizes that the sins it has committed not only affect itself and the community but offend a powerful and loving Lord, it feels a sense of loss for having deprived so good a God of the honor and glory of a virtuous life. The difference between this sense of loss and that which exists in hell is that the suffering of repentance reaches up to God for Mercy, while those in hell know only remorse. They possess a hatred of God that fills their miserable souls with bitter regrets and a refusal to seek forgiveness.”
Mother Angelica, 1977

There is a lot more on this topic, but too long to completely quote. It almost spoke out loud to me! I felt a renewed sense of hope and also a longing for Jesus. With this new ’armor’ I made an adjustment to my Lenten resolutions and added MORE PRAYERFULNESS into my day. The kind of prayerfulness I had right after Paul’s accident. The kind that keeps me in conversation with Jesus and Mary throughout my day. It is what truly brings me great joy in my day.
“If today you hear my voice, harden not your hearts.” Amen.

We have a few things on the horizon for Paul. We continue to work with him in different areas of study. Our newest routine is to let Paul read short stories out loud to us and as we go along, ask him to explain what is going on, or to define the words he may not know. We keep a dictionary by his side and he will stop to look up the definition if he gets stuck. We have been reading stories by James Joyce and O’Henry - both of them having a number of difficult words and imagery. Paul has done well in his understanding of the meanings - way better than I thought he would do. He practices his guitar, but has stopped the lessons. He said his heart is just not in it right now. It might even be for the better at this time because we want to work with Paul in studying. He will be taking the neuro-psych exam (7 hours) in April or May. We want it to be taken closer to the time he goes to college. He remains really hopeful that it will bring him closer to getting his driver’s license again. From the assessment of that test they can determine more clearly his ability to drive. His reaction times were good, but still need some fine tuning when it comes to braking in time. His time was off by 2/10 of a second…………about the time it takes for someone to blow their horn at you after the light turns green………smile.
Paul is showing more improvement in the area of maturity. He just this week stated that he needs to accept more responsibility in his life and is working at not asking what he needs to do next. Lately, he has started to keep his room clean and picks up after himself. He got up this morning on his own ….at 5:30 AM…..another little miracle ….and joined us at 6:30 AM Mass. I remember back to the time he begged Jon to give him 240 seconds more to stay in bed. HOUSTON, WE HAVE PROGRESS! Very awesome.

He is starting to get tingling in his cheek and along the side of his nose. He was able to close his eyelid but it took about 15 seconds. The lower lid now has a lot of ‘quivering’ movement in it, which he didn’t have before. His micro current treatment everyday seems to be showing signs of some help. We have left it in God’s hands. I have told Paul that if we can get him to Lourdes, France this year, we are going to do it. We may not be the ones taking him due to expenses, but I have asked Our Lady of Lourdes to help us find the way, if it be God’s will.
So much to be prayerful about, so much to bring hope and joy.
The name of the book I was quoting is “The Healing Power of Suffering” and costs only $2. A real bargain in many ways!

As Lent continues, I will continue to pray, “Have mercy on me, O God, in Your goodness; in Your great tenderness wipe away my faults, wash me clean of my guilt, purify me of my sin.”
Peace be with all of you,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca