As I journey through this Lenten season, I have prayed that I would be more clearly aware of my own sinfulness so that I could experience a healing in my soul. While I always pray for healings of the body for our family and friends, it came to my mind to also focus on a healing of my soul as Lent began.
Two weeks ago, Jon, Paul and I drove to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. It was the weekend before the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes on Monday 2/11. This year marks the 150th anniversary of her appearance before Bernadette. I was very much aware of this anniversary due to the Pope’s announcement of the plenary indulgence associated with Our Lady of Lourdes. I was praying most fervently that I would see my sinfulness with greater clarity as I prepared for the Sacrament of Reconciliation that weekend. I did not want to rationalize away any of my patterns of behavior - I wanted to look at myself with total honesty so that I could confess all my sins that I was aware of. I don’t know about anyone else, but I do not enjoy having to actually say my sins out loud. But Jesus already knows our sins and He told St. Faustina in her diary, that He wanted her to speak them out loud.
On Saturday afternoon there was a procession around the grounds of the Shrine with the altar servers carrying the statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. There was a large group of people following and we prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary as we processed. There were 4 young girls who were dropping rose petals as we walked along the pathways. It was a very peaceful time for me personally. By the time we got back, the priests were ready to hear confessions. Almost always after the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I feel a great peace. This time I did not. I felt very saddened. I prayed afterwards for a long time in the Shrine and pondering the truth that Jesus always forgives us. It is hard to understand that kind of love. Harder still to totally accept it. We are so limited in our concept of this perfect love. I have been blessed in thousands of ways and yet, I was very aware this time of how my sinfulness truly hurts Our Lord. I felt an unworthiness like never before. I know I can never be worthy of heaven. Our salvation comes through Jesus. But I had a greater sense of how my sinfulness truly hurts God, hurts my relationship with Him I left the Shrine with a very heavy heart.
It stayed with me through the night and into the next day. I really questioned whether I was on the right track with Jesus. I know we are forgiven our sins, but I found myself dwelling on my weakness and how I fall into sinfulness so easily. Would I ever become more disciplined and show greater strength in avoiding sinful patterns? How could I ever stay on the road of the saints?
On our drive home, Jon and I talked about this and he reminded me that I was heading into despair and that was a tool of Satan. I understood what he was saying, but I was having a difficult time turning away from this inner sorrow. I was so sorry as I looked back on my life, with all the ways that I had failed to return the love He so freely gives. All the time I had wasted on pursuing ’earthly treasures’. It is not that I was doubting God’s love for me, I just really doubted me! What will it take for me to become a more holy child of God? Wasn’t Jesus dying on the cross enough? What greater love is there? Paul’s accident certainly was an eye opener to the amount of love God has for us all.
I continued to dwell on all of this and found no answer to this intense inner pain I was experiencing. Monday was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, so I asked Paul if he wanted to go to Mass and we would pray for continued healing for him and the family. Once we got to church, we learned that there was a healing Mass that evening, so we waited until that time to attend. Jon had gone to the 6:30 AM Mass, so just Paul and I went that night. As I prayed for Paul, I drifted into prayer for a true conversion of my heart, so that I might better serve our Lord. I went home that night and continued my prayers to Our Lady of Lourdes to help me truly heal all that keeps me from serving our Lord with humility and perseverance.
I spent the better part of that week in prayerfulness whenever I had a spare moment. I kept up my efforts at working through this sense of sorrow I still had inside. I worked to fill this void with prayers. One morning, I sat quietly as the morning sun slowly brought light and wondered about this feeling of loss and sorrow. Where had it come from? What was God trying to tell me? I asked God to show me His way, because whatever the message was, I was not getting it at all. I did tell Him that I would wait and if this was another test in patience, please provide the strength to help me remain prayerful and not waiver in my faith.
I got up to get a cup of coffee and saw the booklet a woman showed me while we were at the Shrine. I had just met this woman early Saturday morning and she mentioned that there was a wonderful booklet written by Mother Angelica and told me the title. She had met Paul and she told me this book was about suffering. I said I would look for it in the book store. As Jon, Paul and I browsed through the store, I had forgotten the title of that booklet and had also become distracted by my conversations with Jon and Paul. As I was in line to purchase a few gifts, this woman came up to me with the booklet in her hand and gave it to me. She said it was a remarkable book. I admit it surprised me that she was so persistent! Later I tucked it into my suitcase and when I got home, I placed it on the table in our prayer/music room. And there it sat until I was lead back to it……….in God’s time!
I read through the table of contents and the title “Repentant Suffering” got my attention and I started to read. Instantly I was reading the very words that described how I had been feeling. Someone knew exactly what was in my heart and I was comforted.
“ When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted,” (Matt. 5;5)
“He was speaking of the sorrow that follows true repentance. Only those who have fallen deeply understand what the word “mourn” means. The sinner who suddenly realizes God’s love for him and then looks at his rejection of that love, has a feeling of loss similar to the depth of a loved one. A deep void is created in the soul and a loneliness akin to the agony of death. The soul feels wrapped in an icy grip of fear. This is not, however, the fear of punishment but the realization of its ingratitude towards so good and loving a God.
Sorrow begins to heal the wounds made by sin and God Himself comforts the soul with the healing balm of His Mercy and Compassion.
If the sin were great, the soul, humbled by self-knowledge, remembers its weakness so as never to offend God again but forever rejoices in His Mercy. This combination of mourning and comfort keeps the soul in a state of dependence and trust in God who sought and found His lost sheep.
When the soul realizes that the sins it has committed not only affect itself and the community but offend a powerful and loving Lord, it feels a sense of loss for having deprived so good a God of the honor and glory of a virtuous life. The difference between this sense of loss and that which exists in hell is that the suffering of repentance reaches up to God for Mercy, while those in hell know only remorse. They possess a hatred of God that fills their miserable souls with bitter regrets and a refusal to seek forgiveness.”
Mother Angelica, 1977
There is a lot more on this topic, but too long to completely quote. It almost spoke out loud to me! I felt a renewed sense of hope and also a longing for Jesus. With this new ’armor’ I made an adjustment to my Lenten resolutions and added MORE PRAYERFULNESS into my day. The kind of prayerfulness I had right after Paul’s accident. The kind that keeps me in conversation with Jesus and Mary throughout my day. It is what truly brings me great joy in my day.
“If today you hear my voice, harden not your hearts.” Amen.
We have a few things on the horizon for Paul. We continue to work with him in different areas of study. Our newest routine is to let Paul read short stories out loud to us and as we go along, ask him to explain what is going on, or to define the words he may not know. We keep a dictionary by his side and he will stop to look up the definition if he gets stuck. We have been reading stories by James Joyce and O’Henry - both of them having a number of difficult words and imagery. Paul has done well in his understanding of the meanings - way better than I thought he would do. He practices his guitar, but has stopped the lessons. He said his heart is just not in it right now. It might even be for the better at this time because we want to work with Paul in studying. He will be taking the neuro-psych exam (7 hours) in April or May. We want it to be taken closer to the time he goes to college. He remains really hopeful that it will bring him closer to getting his driver’s license again. From the assessment of that test they can determine more clearly his ability to drive. His reaction times were good, but still need some fine tuning when it comes to braking in time. His time was off by 2/10 of a second…………about the time it takes for someone to blow their horn at you after the light turns green………smile.
Paul is showing more improvement in the area of maturity. He just this week stated that he needs to accept more responsibility in his life and is working at not asking what he needs to do next. Lately, he has started to keep his room clean and picks up after himself. He got up this morning on his own ….at 5:30 AM…..another little miracle ….and joined us at 6:30 AM Mass. I remember back to the time he begged Jon to give him 240 seconds more to stay in bed. HOUSTON, WE HAVE PROGRESS! Very awesome.
He is starting to get tingling in his cheek and along the side of his nose. He was able to close his eyelid but it took about 15 seconds. The lower lid now has a lot of ‘quivering’ movement in it, which he didn’t have before. His micro current treatment everyday seems to be showing signs of some help. We have left it in God’s hands. I have told Paul that if we can get him to Lourdes, France this year, we are going to do it. We may not be the ones taking him due to expenses, but I have asked Our Lady of Lourdes to help us find the way, if it be God’s will.
So much to be prayerful about, so much to bring hope and joy.
The name of the book I was quoting is “The Healing Power of Suffering” and costs only $2. A real bargain in many ways!
As Lent continues, I will continue to pray, “Have mercy on me, O God, in Your goodness; in Your great tenderness wipe away my faults, wash me clean of my guilt, purify me of my sin.”
Peace be with all of you,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Be back soon........
I should have a new posting by this evening.
God bless everyone today !
Love, Rebecca
God bless everyone today !
Love, Rebecca
Monday, February 04, 2008
Blooming Where He is Planted
Paul's days are much more busy for him. He works on gaining his skills in classical guitar and has to work a lot harder than before the accident. He was used to putting in a little bit of time and gaining new skills easily. That is no longer the case. He struggles to remember the new pieces assigned and it takes him a lot longer to play the songs well. I think it is due to the fact that he has so many other areas to pay attention to, he can't devote all the hours as before. I know he used to stay up very late into the night playing his guitar and more of his life was spent thinking about his music. He had a specific goal in mind - being part of a band that would propel him into the music industry, where he would make his living. While he still loves music, to be one of the best guitarists again is not the passion driving him these days. We have encouraged him to regain his skill, as he is still very gifted and that is a gift from God. We really believe that this gift is already serving a beautiful purpose. Paul is giving guitar lessons to a young man in our parish every Monday night. Austin's family has been praying for Paul all along and I told Paul about it. He was very pleased to know that prayers were being offered up for his recovery. He has a complete understanding that he will be healed according to God's will and that prayers are going to help accomplish that. He had noticed Austin before, but mostly when Austin would be an altar server at Mass. He has an angelic face and Paul had commented on how reverent this young man was during the Mass. One day, the two of them began a conversation that lead straight to music. Austin said he was trying to learn how to play the guitar and asked if Paul would give him lessons. In exchange for continued prayers, Paul teaches Austin what he knows. Austin's little sister, Mary, comes over too on Monday nights and I give her piano lessons. Mary always runs up to Paul and gives him a hug. As do her other 2 little sisters. Paul cannot believe how sweet these children are and it brings him a lot of joy that they all gather around him. I talked to him one day about how children seem to enjoy being around him so much and that maybe he could head in the direction of being a teacher in elementary or middle school. He said that was a very interesting idea and he would definitely consider it. He said that he is very confused when it comes to deciding a degree program. While he is sure he won't pursue a music degree, he remains unsure what direction he will go. There is so much to accomplish and I think it is still overwhelming for him in many ways. We are taking it one day at a time and I know God will lead us.
I was reading some scripture this past week and the readings are from the Book of Samuel. When David intends to build the Lord "a house to dwell in," God intervenes, reminding David that the initiative for such a project rests with God alone. God is the sower and He asks for our humble response. The task of helping Paul back to the life God intends seems daunting at times. As I look back over the past two year, which I have done a lot in the past weekend as we cleaned out a lot of drawers and closets, I cannot believe where we were and where we have come. I found the old containers used to mix all the foods to help Paul gain back all of his weight - 50+ lbs. He was 119 lbs at one point! We found some old medical supplies and the sweat pants and sweat shirts he lived in daily. It brought back to mind just how overwhelmed I felt back then. In looking back, I can see clearly that God walked with us. " I have been with you wherever you went......I will give you rest from all your enemies." My fear, doubts and fatigue were truly the enemies! Thanks be to God, through your prayers, we were given the grace to look to God when we felt we could not go another day watching him suffer in so much pain.
Paul's shoulder pain is gone, thanks to Dr. Tally. He is a chiropractor and he was able to help straighten out the cervical area of the spine, which caused the pain in Paul's shoulder. Paul is pretty much done with his therapy and is now able to work out in the gym 3 days a week. Jon and I have joined also. We found the weight Paul lost...............smile. It is very helpful for me to excercise some of my 'impatience' away! I keep forgetting that God is going to move 'this battleship' forward and sometimes I am only provided an oar. Steady as she goes Rebecca - stay the course!
Paul works every day, comes home and practices his guitar, helps get dinner ready sometimes (he defintely will not become a chef.........absolutely no interest in the preparation of food, just the eating). As Paul got better, his brothers took him shopping for clothes and James gave him a lot of his T-shirts that Paul liked. So, he has an overabundance of clothes which means he does not have to do his laundry as frequently as we do! But he does it when necessary. He knows how to do everything for himself, but it is the short term memory that is the stumbling block. He is getting better, but it is a bit like molasses in January. We are not telling him what to do and are watching to see how much he will do on his own. His watch goes off frequently throughout the day, with the reminders to drink plenty of water, take his vitamins, feed his dog, get her medications, remember doctor appointments, get up and showered, to name a few. But we have light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, as he was going through some of his old things as we cleaned out the garage, he called out to Jon and me, "Hey! I remembered to feed Abby BEFORE my alarm went off!" He was extremely happy about it. So were we. He loves his dog so much, but she would have died from neglect a long time ago had we not been in charge of her care! Even before the accident, he thought he tended to all her needs when he taught her tricks and took her with him in his car! Jon and I always tended to her daily care. We talked to Paul about taking full charge of her care and with the help of his watch alarm, has done a pretty good job. It was another goal for him. One more mission accomplished, in a long line of many. That is what I dwell on when I feel like the battleship is just turning in circles - how far he has come. All it takes is a walk down memory lane, reading the early entries in the blog and I lose my impatience. God must have known I would need that visual aid 323 postings ago!
Paul is now planning a Gamefest at Jerry's house. Jerry has turned his basement into great place for Mike, Paul, Dylan (his nephew) and Frank (his dad). There is an air hockey table, bumper pool table, foosball and dart board - along with a lreally arge popcorn machine! We go over on Friday nights and watch movies and listen to the noise down below. I have talked before about how competitive my sons are, but they have met their match with the Hufford men! These games are a great help for Paul in eye/hand coordination and also for helping him gain very quick reflexes. Last Friday, Paul brought Austin and Mary over for the movie/game night. They really enjoyed watching the popcorn machine. We had so much fun watching them and apparently Mary is great at air hockey! Paul will have to put in some real practice time to beat her. There are 7 children in Austin/Mary's family and I am sure that is where they have gained their competitive skills! Paul had so much fun he asked Jerry if he could plan an evening with his friends. It was great hearing him talk about who he was going to call and what all they would do. It will be a fun goal for him. He may want to continue to play against Austin and Mary before then so that he can continue to improve his skills!
We received a portable micro current machine from Dr. Matthews. His assistant was coming to Atlanta from Charlotte and she brought it to Jon at work last week. Each evening, for 2 hours before Paul does the treatment, he has to drink 64 oz of water. Then he places the electrodes on his forehead and at the back of the neck and lets the machine do it's work. Now that he is doing it nightly, he said he can feel tingling all the way down his cheek - from the inside corner of his eye to the top of his lip. He hopes and prays that the paralysis will be cured, and we pray daily for that to happen. We know there is always the major surgery to replace that nerve, but it is not going to happen before we try everything else. Paul works hard on the instructions that Shephard gave hiim for his eye coordination. Paul wants his eye function back more than anything else. He also keeps asking about getting more repair work done on his lid and eyebrow area. We have to wait to see if the nerve function comes back as that is what controls the muscles on the left side of his face. Any other reconstructive surgery might over correct the level of his eyebrow if the nerve works again, so they are waiting to do further surgery at this time. Patience - there's that word again.
Paul also takes Abby on walks now and she is losing some of her weight! We are all on the road to recovering healthy bodies! Paul gets up by himself each day very early and is ready for Mass or work on time. He makes his own lunches and only occasionally might forget it. He tends to his eye all day long (that is another alarm that goes off - once an hour to put liquid tears in his eye) and only needs to tape it down at night. We are using only 2 thin strips to help keep the skin from stretching any worse around the eye. Paul has another opthamologist appointment at the end of February. We need to make sure that he doesn't need corrective lenses for his left eye. He is able to focus much more quicly each week after doing his excercises, but he said that it is still a little blurry in his left eye. We had been told he had 20/20 vision and it might be that over time the left eye has lost some of that sharpness. Or, with more excercise, it will be okay. I don't know the first thing about optometry, so will let it go and let God guide the doctor.
As you can see - progress is being made. Your prayers are moving this battleship forward through stormy and calm waters.
"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies. (IS 30:15)
Inner peace can only come from surrendering to the Lord in trust and then living by His love.
When we are asked how we are doing, then we can respond by saying joyfully, "'I AM BLESSED!"
We pray you are too.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
I was reading some scripture this past week and the readings are from the Book of Samuel. When David intends to build the Lord "a house to dwell in," God intervenes, reminding David that the initiative for such a project rests with God alone. God is the sower and He asks for our humble response. The task of helping Paul back to the life God intends seems daunting at times. As I look back over the past two year, which I have done a lot in the past weekend as we cleaned out a lot of drawers and closets, I cannot believe where we were and where we have come. I found the old containers used to mix all the foods to help Paul gain back all of his weight - 50+ lbs. He was 119 lbs at one point! We found some old medical supplies and the sweat pants and sweat shirts he lived in daily. It brought back to mind just how overwhelmed I felt back then. In looking back, I can see clearly that God walked with us. " I have been with you wherever you went......I will give you rest from all your enemies." My fear, doubts and fatigue were truly the enemies! Thanks be to God, through your prayers, we were given the grace to look to God when we felt we could not go another day watching him suffer in so much pain.
Paul's shoulder pain is gone, thanks to Dr. Tally. He is a chiropractor and he was able to help straighten out the cervical area of the spine, which caused the pain in Paul's shoulder. Paul is pretty much done with his therapy and is now able to work out in the gym 3 days a week. Jon and I have joined also. We found the weight Paul lost...............smile. It is very helpful for me to excercise some of my 'impatience' away! I keep forgetting that God is going to move 'this battleship' forward and sometimes I am only provided an oar. Steady as she goes Rebecca - stay the course!
Paul works every day, comes home and practices his guitar, helps get dinner ready sometimes (he defintely will not become a chef.........absolutely no interest in the preparation of food, just the eating). As Paul got better, his brothers took him shopping for clothes and James gave him a lot of his T-shirts that Paul liked. So, he has an overabundance of clothes which means he does not have to do his laundry as frequently as we do! But he does it when necessary. He knows how to do everything for himself, but it is the short term memory that is the stumbling block. He is getting better, but it is a bit like molasses in January. We are not telling him what to do and are watching to see how much he will do on his own. His watch goes off frequently throughout the day, with the reminders to drink plenty of water, take his vitamins, feed his dog, get her medications, remember doctor appointments, get up and showered, to name a few. But we have light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, as he was going through some of his old things as we cleaned out the garage, he called out to Jon and me, "Hey! I remembered to feed Abby BEFORE my alarm went off!" He was extremely happy about it. So were we. He loves his dog so much, but she would have died from neglect a long time ago had we not been in charge of her care! Even before the accident, he thought he tended to all her needs when he taught her tricks and took her with him in his car! Jon and I always tended to her daily care. We talked to Paul about taking full charge of her care and with the help of his watch alarm, has done a pretty good job. It was another goal for him. One more mission accomplished, in a long line of many. That is what I dwell on when I feel like the battleship is just turning in circles - how far he has come. All it takes is a walk down memory lane, reading the early entries in the blog and I lose my impatience. God must have known I would need that visual aid 323 postings ago!
Paul is now planning a Gamefest at Jerry's house. Jerry has turned his basement into great place for Mike, Paul, Dylan (his nephew) and Frank (his dad). There is an air hockey table, bumper pool table, foosball and dart board - along with a lreally arge popcorn machine! We go over on Friday nights and watch movies and listen to the noise down below. I have talked before about how competitive my sons are, but they have met their match with the Hufford men! These games are a great help for Paul in eye/hand coordination and also for helping him gain very quick reflexes. Last Friday, Paul brought Austin and Mary over for the movie/game night. They really enjoyed watching the popcorn machine. We had so much fun watching them and apparently Mary is great at air hockey! Paul will have to put in some real practice time to beat her. There are 7 children in Austin/Mary's family and I am sure that is where they have gained their competitive skills! Paul had so much fun he asked Jerry if he could plan an evening with his friends. It was great hearing him talk about who he was going to call and what all they would do. It will be a fun goal for him. He may want to continue to play against Austin and Mary before then so that he can continue to improve his skills!
We received a portable micro current machine from Dr. Matthews. His assistant was coming to Atlanta from Charlotte and she brought it to Jon at work last week. Each evening, for 2 hours before Paul does the treatment, he has to drink 64 oz of water. Then he places the electrodes on his forehead and at the back of the neck and lets the machine do it's work. Now that he is doing it nightly, he said he can feel tingling all the way down his cheek - from the inside corner of his eye to the top of his lip. He hopes and prays that the paralysis will be cured, and we pray daily for that to happen. We know there is always the major surgery to replace that nerve, but it is not going to happen before we try everything else. Paul works hard on the instructions that Shephard gave hiim for his eye coordination. Paul wants his eye function back more than anything else. He also keeps asking about getting more repair work done on his lid and eyebrow area. We have to wait to see if the nerve function comes back as that is what controls the muscles on the left side of his face. Any other reconstructive surgery might over correct the level of his eyebrow if the nerve works again, so they are waiting to do further surgery at this time. Patience - there's that word again.
Paul also takes Abby on walks now and she is losing some of her weight! We are all on the road to recovering healthy bodies! Paul gets up by himself each day very early and is ready for Mass or work on time. He makes his own lunches and only occasionally might forget it. He tends to his eye all day long (that is another alarm that goes off - once an hour to put liquid tears in his eye) and only needs to tape it down at night. We are using only 2 thin strips to help keep the skin from stretching any worse around the eye. Paul has another opthamologist appointment at the end of February. We need to make sure that he doesn't need corrective lenses for his left eye. He is able to focus much more quicly each week after doing his excercises, but he said that it is still a little blurry in his left eye. We had been told he had 20/20 vision and it might be that over time the left eye has lost some of that sharpness. Or, with more excercise, it will be okay. I don't know the first thing about optometry, so will let it go and let God guide the doctor.
As you can see - progress is being made. Your prayers are moving this battleship forward through stormy and calm waters.
"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies. (IS 30:15)
Inner peace can only come from surrendering to the Lord in trust and then living by His love.
When we are asked how we are doing, then we can respond by saying joyfully, "'I AM BLESSED!"
We pray you are too.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Friday, February 01, 2008
The Sahara
(Of course it is a long one - It's been a month!)
Around the time of my last posting......................many weeks ago...........I made an unexpected detour into the desert. I felt 'bone dry' and could not seem to make my way back out. My disciplines had gone by the way side, my thoughts wandered away from prayer so easily and I found myself really struggling to find some sign that Jesus was still with me. I sat at my computer many mornings asking God to help me write something and nothing came to mind. I experienced either a huge void or I could not keep my thoughts from heading off in tangents without my being able to corral them. It was exactly like the having 'pop ups' that show up on your computer as you try to get to the site you really want. I came to the conclusion it was time to find out what God needed me to do next. I honestly felt very sad and empty because writing has been a wonderful experience for me. It helped guide me and it gave me strength. It was kind of like getting a 'pep talk' from God each time these ideas came into my head. So I've been praying (as diligently as I could) for the guidance from God. What next??? And the answer was silence. No direction, no sign. At times, I felt very anxious about it because I felt this great sense of urgency just below the surface of my thoughts and yet I couldn’t get any clarification of what the urgent need was. It was like wheels spinning in the mud. This past week, I sat quietly in church after Mass and said, "I give up Lord. If you want me to do something big or even small, you will have to make it more clear to me. Remember who you are dealing with. It‘s me, the obtuse one." I left the church empty again. The next day, I remembered the prayer from Mother Angelica and prayed to my guardian angel "Please whisper in my ear what God needs me to do." Right before I was to receive Communion, it came to me "I need you to take care of Paul." I felt a quietness in my soul. I found a peace I had not been feeling. I worked hard to keep my tears back as I walked up to receive Jesus. I found myself really, really feeling like I was walking right towards His loving gaze as I came closer to the priest. When I got back to my pew, I asked what He meant. Then the realization came to me. I had not only fallen off in my discipline of prayerfulness and going to Mass often, I had fallen off in my spiritual care of Paul. Here is how it happened.
I got to meet Jose (who I wrote about in my last posting) at our grandson's Baptism. He is back in Washington and he came to Jon and Marie's. At the church, he came up to me and introduced himself and as I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I can't explain. Maybe Jesus looking back at me? I was so taken with his gaze. He asked about Paul before anything else! This young man who has endured so much suffering and yet had a look of pure joy on his face. He amazed me as he spoke about how he is working to pull it all together and how he knows God will help him. But what struck me most was his interest in Paul as he made his troubles secondary. Later, as we were leaving to go back to Jon's house, I was telling Paul about Jose's love for God and the strength he showed and Paul's face softened into a very tender look and he turned around and walked back into the church. He walked up to Jose and asked if he was going to be coming to the house also. When we got to the house, Paul made it a point of watching for him so he could talk to Jose. Later, he told me he could not believe how awesome Jose was. After that, I could not get Jose out of my mind. I wanted to do so much for him, yet didn't know what else to do. I know that prayer is very powerful and I knew I would pray for him. But what else? I started to feel anxious about all the sorrow and sadness people have to endure in this world. Over the next few days, then weeks, I felt an urgency to go out and do something big in this world to help people. That is when I started to feel so dry and empty too. How could I help this world? Which direction should I head in? I then felt some despair as I realized that I have a very demanding job and I need to keep working to help with Paul’s medical needs. How could I do anything big since I was tied down to this demanding job I go to everyday? When did I have time to go out into the world, much like Blessed Teresa? Okay, I will confess, I had also started to read the book about this saint’s life and even though she felt no love or consolation from God, she continued on with a supernatural faith. I was so amazed at how she walked out into the slums and began her ministry. It made me want to do the same thing! I met Jose and he and his family has been suffering so much. There are so many people I have heard about that are suffering so much more than we ever have. I am also very cognizant of all the neglect and absence of love in this world. I found my heart yelling out to God "WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU LORD?" Where do I start - just lead me on Lord! I thought about the blog and I told myself that I had nothing more to say. I wanted to get my hands into something - I wanted my hands to look like Blessed Teresa's when I died!
With all of this going on in my mind, I entered the desert. I could not stay focused on anything when I prayed to be told where to go and what to do. There are so many directions one could go - the homeless, the abused, the neglected elderly, the lonely - I get many mailings from organizations who plead for help. Again Lord, which way do you want me to go?
Silence was my answer. I prayed anyway, even though I felt so empty and confused. If Blessed Teresa could go on for 50+ years, I would try hard to wait to hear what God’s plans were for me. My prayers seemed flat - I could hardly get any emotion into them. They were just very repetitive. After weeks of this, I got that message to take care of Paul.
I looked at our situation closely and wondered what else I could do. I thought about how God certainly spared Paul’s life and it occurred to me that He must really have a purpose for him. But we needed to work harder at moving him forward. I realized we had become a lot more lax in our attempts to act on a number of fronts concerning his recovery. Paul had also fallen into a worse state cognitively. He seemed very lethargic, and his memory was worse than ever. Jon and I pretty much felt that he had come as far as he was going to and that we would just take care of his needs for life. So with the renewed message of ‘take care of Paul’, I asked God to show me the way. We had talked about getting him more active, so I had Paul call a new gym right down from our neighborhood. It is very small and it is not going to attract the very fit and young. (My kind of place!) Paul liked that it was more quiet and not crowded. So we all joined.
After a number of delays in getting Paul registered for college, I called him on Wednesday and found out he was not going to have to work. I immediately told him to be registered by noon and I would be home to follow up. He seemed irritated at my new attitude of urgency, but I told him to trust me - God had plans for him and I was to help make it happen. When I got there, Paul was underway, but had a couple of things he was not sure about. He needed to pick another degree program. After some conversation, he chose General Business. I told him he could always change but to just get registered.
As we did that, we learned the cut off date was February 1st ! I told Paul that God had spoken to me just in time! I told him that I would be working really hard with him again and that it was not meant to frustrate him. God needed him to accomplish some task while he is on earth and my new job from God was to help prepare the way for Paul.
I have joyfully taken on this seemingly simple job and have been so happy about it. At first, I was incredibly disappointed it wasn’t something on a larger scale or ‘more important’. Then I remembered what St. Therese said. When she told her older sister, (who was also a nun) that she wanted to do something really great in the world, her sister had her fill a large pitcher with water and also a thimble. Then her sister asked St. Therese - “which one is more full?” I had forgotten that important message along the way these past few months. Each of us has a mission. God decides the magnitude and reason. As I was trying to ramrod my way into some great accomplishment, I was doing it for my greater glory. I had to finally own up to it. In my defense (which is Paul’s favorite line, used about every day……..smile) who wouldn’t want to be as awesome as Blessed Teresa? I want to do something that will help me get to heaven too!!
I am the thimble. Thanks be to God for allowing me to be even that much! I will be content with being a spiritual warrior, a ‘giant’ of prayerfulness right now and will keep my eyes open for the path God needs me to lead Paul and my other sons. These young men are my gifts and I have been given the duty to pray them home. People who enter my pathway are my gifts. I have been given the duty to pray them home.
So this morning, I got up and decided to get a blog written because I felt a new found urgency to write. I got it after I said good night to Paul and blessed him and then said I didn’t have to go into work until later, so maybe I could take him to the 9:00 AM Mass. He smiled back at me and said, “That would be great. It is First Friday you know.” I spun around and said, “NO, I DIDN”T remember, but YOU DID!” By golly Paul, God does need me to keep helping you with the same urgency I had to go out into the world and make things happen.
We went to Mass and I sat in joyful conversation with Jesus once again. I told Him I would be most joyful to feed His sheep as they were brought to me. I would let Jesus decide all of that. The response I received from Jesus came immediately after. Fr. Paddy was not feeling well and he called me up to the altar. I had seen another Eucharistic Minister go up to the altar already, so I was not sure why I was being called up. Fr. Paddy handed me the ciborium containing the Body of Christ. He needed me to give Jesus to the people, as he was not well. I became a Eucharistic Minister years ago so that I could take it to the nursing homes. My father had not been able to receive Communion very often in his final days and that is what lead me to that ministry. Out of all the people who were at Mass, Fr. Paddy looked up and called out to me. I really believe it was Jesus who called out to me to let me know He is guiding me and He will bring the people He intends into my pathway. I don’t have to go out into the world very far I guess. Thanks be to God for His love for us children.
I will write this weekend about some of the new and improved things Paul is starting to do. He must have had to ’shut down his engine so some work could be done’, because he is really going at it again. Apparently, both our engines were down this last month!
He had one set back last Tuesday night. He walked into the darkened bedroom and he tripped over Abby and fell face first into the nightstand. There are nightlights all over the place, but she was not in a lighted area. We raced to the ER at 11:00 PM and left at 3:30 AM after not being called. We were all so fatigued and I was almost certain he was alright. He was very coherent and the only pain was in his cheek and to the right of his eye (the right one, praise be to God!). I would call the neurosurgeon in the morning and if we were going to have to go to Charlotte, we needed some sleep and that is why we left. He was not required to go, and we had our own doctor get an xray of Paul’s face. There was nothing broken and Paul did not suffer an increase in headaches, so he is going to be alright. He has a black eye, which depressed him a good bit. He said to us, “Great, now I am a total freak instead of half a freak”. He finally let us know how his facial paralysis makes him feel. We were happy to hear him voice this. It was in the days following this that I got the message to ’Take care of Paul.” You can bet we are watching him like a hawk!
May the Sacred Heart of Jesus surround you with love and protection on this First Friday.
I pray you are all well and will keep you in my prayers.
Listen closely for Him to speak. I am sure He has a message for you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Around the time of my last posting......................many weeks ago...........I made an unexpected detour into the desert. I felt 'bone dry' and could not seem to make my way back out. My disciplines had gone by the way side, my thoughts wandered away from prayer so easily and I found myself really struggling to find some sign that Jesus was still with me. I sat at my computer many mornings asking God to help me write something and nothing came to mind. I experienced either a huge void or I could not keep my thoughts from heading off in tangents without my being able to corral them. It was exactly like the having 'pop ups' that show up on your computer as you try to get to the site you really want. I came to the conclusion it was time to find out what God needed me to do next. I honestly felt very sad and empty because writing has been a wonderful experience for me. It helped guide me and it gave me strength. It was kind of like getting a 'pep talk' from God each time these ideas came into my head. So I've been praying (as diligently as I could) for the guidance from God. What next??? And the answer was silence. No direction, no sign. At times, I felt very anxious about it because I felt this great sense of urgency just below the surface of my thoughts and yet I couldn’t get any clarification of what the urgent need was. It was like wheels spinning in the mud. This past week, I sat quietly in church after Mass and said, "I give up Lord. If you want me to do something big or even small, you will have to make it more clear to me. Remember who you are dealing with. It‘s me, the obtuse one." I left the church empty again. The next day, I remembered the prayer from Mother Angelica and prayed to my guardian angel "Please whisper in my ear what God needs me to do." Right before I was to receive Communion, it came to me "I need you to take care of Paul." I felt a quietness in my soul. I found a peace I had not been feeling. I worked hard to keep my tears back as I walked up to receive Jesus. I found myself really, really feeling like I was walking right towards His loving gaze as I came closer to the priest. When I got back to my pew, I asked what He meant. Then the realization came to me. I had not only fallen off in my discipline of prayerfulness and going to Mass often, I had fallen off in my spiritual care of Paul. Here is how it happened.
I got to meet Jose (who I wrote about in my last posting) at our grandson's Baptism. He is back in Washington and he came to Jon and Marie's. At the church, he came up to me and introduced himself and as I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I can't explain. Maybe Jesus looking back at me? I was so taken with his gaze. He asked about Paul before anything else! This young man who has endured so much suffering and yet had a look of pure joy on his face. He amazed me as he spoke about how he is working to pull it all together and how he knows God will help him. But what struck me most was his interest in Paul as he made his troubles secondary. Later, as we were leaving to go back to Jon's house, I was telling Paul about Jose's love for God and the strength he showed and Paul's face softened into a very tender look and he turned around and walked back into the church. He walked up to Jose and asked if he was going to be coming to the house also. When we got to the house, Paul made it a point of watching for him so he could talk to Jose. Later, he told me he could not believe how awesome Jose was. After that, I could not get Jose out of my mind. I wanted to do so much for him, yet didn't know what else to do. I know that prayer is very powerful and I knew I would pray for him. But what else? I started to feel anxious about all the sorrow and sadness people have to endure in this world. Over the next few days, then weeks, I felt an urgency to go out and do something big in this world to help people. That is when I started to feel so dry and empty too. How could I help this world? Which direction should I head in? I then felt some despair as I realized that I have a very demanding job and I need to keep working to help with Paul’s medical needs. How could I do anything big since I was tied down to this demanding job I go to everyday? When did I have time to go out into the world, much like Blessed Teresa? Okay, I will confess, I had also started to read the book about this saint’s life and even though she felt no love or consolation from God, she continued on with a supernatural faith. I was so amazed at how she walked out into the slums and began her ministry. It made me want to do the same thing! I met Jose and he and his family has been suffering so much. There are so many people I have heard about that are suffering so much more than we ever have. I am also very cognizant of all the neglect and absence of love in this world. I found my heart yelling out to God "WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU LORD?" Where do I start - just lead me on Lord! I thought about the blog and I told myself that I had nothing more to say. I wanted to get my hands into something - I wanted my hands to look like Blessed Teresa's when I died!
With all of this going on in my mind, I entered the desert. I could not stay focused on anything when I prayed to be told where to go and what to do. There are so many directions one could go - the homeless, the abused, the neglected elderly, the lonely - I get many mailings from organizations who plead for help. Again Lord, which way do you want me to go?
Silence was my answer. I prayed anyway, even though I felt so empty and confused. If Blessed Teresa could go on for 50+ years, I would try hard to wait to hear what God’s plans were for me. My prayers seemed flat - I could hardly get any emotion into them. They were just very repetitive. After weeks of this, I got that message to take care of Paul.
I looked at our situation closely and wondered what else I could do. I thought about how God certainly spared Paul’s life and it occurred to me that He must really have a purpose for him. But we needed to work harder at moving him forward. I realized we had become a lot more lax in our attempts to act on a number of fronts concerning his recovery. Paul had also fallen into a worse state cognitively. He seemed very lethargic, and his memory was worse than ever. Jon and I pretty much felt that he had come as far as he was going to and that we would just take care of his needs for life. So with the renewed message of ‘take care of Paul’, I asked God to show me the way. We had talked about getting him more active, so I had Paul call a new gym right down from our neighborhood. It is very small and it is not going to attract the very fit and young. (My kind of place!) Paul liked that it was more quiet and not crowded. So we all joined.
After a number of delays in getting Paul registered for college, I called him on Wednesday and found out he was not going to have to work. I immediately told him to be registered by noon and I would be home to follow up. He seemed irritated at my new attitude of urgency, but I told him to trust me - God had plans for him and I was to help make it happen. When I got there, Paul was underway, but had a couple of things he was not sure about. He needed to pick another degree program. After some conversation, he chose General Business. I told him he could always change but to just get registered.
As we did that, we learned the cut off date was February 1st ! I told Paul that God had spoken to me just in time! I told him that I would be working really hard with him again and that it was not meant to frustrate him. God needed him to accomplish some task while he is on earth and my new job from God was to help prepare the way for Paul.
I have joyfully taken on this seemingly simple job and have been so happy about it. At first, I was incredibly disappointed it wasn’t something on a larger scale or ‘more important’. Then I remembered what St. Therese said. When she told her older sister, (who was also a nun) that she wanted to do something really great in the world, her sister had her fill a large pitcher with water and also a thimble. Then her sister asked St. Therese - “which one is more full?” I had forgotten that important message along the way these past few months. Each of us has a mission. God decides the magnitude and reason. As I was trying to ramrod my way into some great accomplishment, I was doing it for my greater glory. I had to finally own up to it. In my defense (which is Paul’s favorite line, used about every day……..smile) who wouldn’t want to be as awesome as Blessed Teresa? I want to do something that will help me get to heaven too!!
I am the thimble. Thanks be to God for allowing me to be even that much! I will be content with being a spiritual warrior, a ‘giant’ of prayerfulness right now and will keep my eyes open for the path God needs me to lead Paul and my other sons. These young men are my gifts and I have been given the duty to pray them home. People who enter my pathway are my gifts. I have been given the duty to pray them home.
So this morning, I got up and decided to get a blog written because I felt a new found urgency to write. I got it after I said good night to Paul and blessed him and then said I didn’t have to go into work until later, so maybe I could take him to the 9:00 AM Mass. He smiled back at me and said, “That would be great. It is First Friday you know.” I spun around and said, “NO, I DIDN”T remember, but YOU DID!” By golly Paul, God does need me to keep helping you with the same urgency I had to go out into the world and make things happen.
We went to Mass and I sat in joyful conversation with Jesus once again. I told Him I would be most joyful to feed His sheep as they were brought to me. I would let Jesus decide all of that. The response I received from Jesus came immediately after. Fr. Paddy was not feeling well and he called me up to the altar. I had seen another Eucharistic Minister go up to the altar already, so I was not sure why I was being called up. Fr. Paddy handed me the ciborium containing the Body of Christ. He needed me to give Jesus to the people, as he was not well. I became a Eucharistic Minister years ago so that I could take it to the nursing homes. My father had not been able to receive Communion very often in his final days and that is what lead me to that ministry. Out of all the people who were at Mass, Fr. Paddy looked up and called out to me. I really believe it was Jesus who called out to me to let me know He is guiding me and He will bring the people He intends into my pathway. I don’t have to go out into the world very far I guess. Thanks be to God for His love for us children.
I will write this weekend about some of the new and improved things Paul is starting to do. He must have had to ’shut down his engine so some work could be done’, because he is really going at it again. Apparently, both our engines were down this last month!
He had one set back last Tuesday night. He walked into the darkened bedroom and he tripped over Abby and fell face first into the nightstand. There are nightlights all over the place, but she was not in a lighted area. We raced to the ER at 11:00 PM and left at 3:30 AM after not being called. We were all so fatigued and I was almost certain he was alright. He was very coherent and the only pain was in his cheek and to the right of his eye (the right one, praise be to God!). I would call the neurosurgeon in the morning and if we were going to have to go to Charlotte, we needed some sleep and that is why we left. He was not required to go, and we had our own doctor get an xray of Paul’s face. There was nothing broken and Paul did not suffer an increase in headaches, so he is going to be alright. He has a black eye, which depressed him a good bit. He said to us, “Great, now I am a total freak instead of half a freak”. He finally let us know how his facial paralysis makes him feel. We were happy to hear him voice this. It was in the days following this that I got the message to ’Take care of Paul.” You can bet we are watching him like a hawk!
May the Sacred Heart of Jesus surround you with love and protection on this First Friday.
I pray you are all well and will keep you in my prayers.
Listen closely for Him to speak. I am sure He has a message for you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
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