GOING OUT OF MY HEAD, OVER YOU

I have not been able to get much done on this blog, as I have had surgery to repair a rotator cuff tear and a bone spur in my shoulder. I have had very limited movement and can only type with my left hand. I had no idea I was so uncoordinated with my left hand! I have hit my cheek more than once as I try to get my toothbrush into my mouth. I will be more thankful than ever when I get back the full use of my right arm. Praise God for all that works in my body!

Right after the surgery, I was given a nerve block, (administered in my neck) to help with the pain I would experience after the surgery. I did not realize it had deadened my throat also. Later, when I tried to take a sip of water with my medicine, I choked because the water just flowed down my throat before I was able to hold it and then swallow. After I stopped choking, I immediately thought of Paul. I told Jon how awful it must be for Paul, since he still suffers a little bit with this problem. Along with not always being able to control fluids being swallowed, he can taste food only on his right side. He can smell only on his left side. So much we take for granted in our lives! When I saw Paul later in the day, he smiled and said, "And lucky you, you will get your feeling back by tomorrow." I told him I was sorry to assume I knew what it was like for him and he said that he was very glad no one in the family had to know what it is like.

He is so patient about his disabilities, yet sometimes feels very sad he looks so different. He said he misses looking normal and hopes some day there will be a young lady who will look past his facial impairments and will see who he really is. It has really started to make me very sad. We are coming up to 3 years and I do struggle sometimes with the realities with which Paul is left. I hurt for him so much. Amazingly though, God seems to bring some very bright and happy times right behind those moments. He has not forgotten, nor forsaken us. His graces continue to keep us moving forward.

Paul is enjoying college and is working very hard to do well. He had to turn in an essay a few weeks ago and on the day his 2nd essay was due, he got the first one back. He got a 65% on it, which is a D in that class. He was heartbroken. He realized after class that he probably would not do well on the second essay either, since he had not received the first one back in time to know what this professor was looking for. He started to work on the 3rd essay knowing a little more about what he needed to include. (We did not realize there would be so much writing in this class and that is exactly the kind of class we were supposed to stay away from on his first effort back in college. The low grade had Jon and me very concerned. Paul was never a strong writer, unless he was writing about music, so this class is quite a challenge for him. ) Last Tuesday, when Jerry asked Paul what his plans were for the day, Paul said jokingly, “I plan on getting a 98 on my second essay that I am getting back today.” At 11:00 he called me and told me that he actually got a 98% on his essay! He was laughing so hard and was incredulous that the day turned out exactly as he had joked about. He also said he planned on buying a lottery ticket and would win enough money so that he wouldn’t have to take anymore writing classes.

Another amazing thing that day was that they had watched a movie in class that they would be writing about for their 3rd essay. The scene in the movie on which the teacher lectured about was the same scene that Paul had already started to write about. In fact, Paul had his first draft already completed. He went to the teacher after the class to let him know that his first draft of his essay was done and that he didn't want it to look like he had copied the teacher's comments. His paper was saying the same thing. Paul asked if he needed to pick a different scene to write about. ( On a side note, Jerry had ordered this 1931 movie weeks ago so Paul could start to preview it much earlier than the class viewing, so he would have time to write his paper way before it was due.) The teacher told him that he could leave his paper as it was and that there will always be times when the teacher will be discussing the same material as a student may be writing about. The class is the history of international cinematography, with the emphasis on the shooting of the film rather than the content. Paul has been very good at seeing the symbolism and has understood that film, like music, tells a story without using words. His writing skills are more limited than before, so we proof read the essays and help him with words that would help him articulate his thoughts better. He has a dictionary/thesaurus handy and has been good about deciding what would sound better. On his 3rd essay he started emailing his papers to his brother, Jon, who is an excellent writer. Jon sent it back with suggestions on areas where Paul needed to explain in more detail or needed to organize his thoughts better. The computer does most of the spell/grammar check, so that was not needed as much. Paul spells very well, but has a limited knowledge of the meaning of words. He can use them in sentences easier than defining the words, when we drill him on different words each day. He also doesn't do as well at committing them to memory unless that is what he specifically sets out to do. With all the writing he is now doing, he doesn't spend much time on memorizing words like before. We have noticed though, that he is using better words to articulate his thoughts. Paul has received his third paper back and was given a 100%. His joy was immense and it has really helped him stay excited about the class. He has 2 more essays and an 8 page mid term and 10 page final exam left. A high mountain to climb, but Paul has been graced by God with what is needed at this time.

Like everything else in our world these days, nothing stays the same. Changes happen in an instant. Our country is experiencing some really tough changes as I write. One moment we are a stable economic power in the world and the next, we realize we are very vulnerable. We so easily start to take things for granted or get used to the patterns in our daily lives. In the whole scheme of things, we are reminded that even the most catastrophic events are just a blip on the screen in God’s universe. God uses these huge events and even the miniscule events of our personal lives to remind us of who is in charge. While I became very concerned and consumed about so many of these world events, the upcoming elections, the economy, the almost total lack of gasoline in our city, I was yanked back into my own little world once again. With all the hurricanes and other huge events going on, we had not been paying as good attention to Paul’s physical well being. It's amazing how we can get caught up in things totally out of our control and lose sight of what is in front of us. Paul has been saying his stomach/intestinal system has been upset. It has been on and off since August. He has missed a couple days of work due to his feeling poorly, but there hasn't been any other symptoms. We have been so preoccupied with his school and the world events, we didn't even notice Paul has lost 11-12 lbs.

On Sunday afternoon, Paul complained of a really bad headache. It was worse than he has had for a long time. We stayed with him late into the evening and then first thing Monday morning, he called and said his stomach really hurt. Immediately, I realized these were signs of a possible shunt malfunction. One thing that encouraged me was that his head was not aching like the day before. It was so strange to be back in the ‘emergency care mode’. After calling the doctor’s office, I realized I did not have enough gas to get to Charlotte if we needed to go. I checked on Paul and told him I would be back soon. I went in search of gas and after traveling to the next town over, I got in line and knew it was going to be almost an hour before I reached the pump. As I sat there, I was thinking about Paul and praying he would not need surgery. The words, ’hang in there Paul, I’ll be back soon’ came into my head and I started to cry. I used to say those words over and over as I would drive home from the hospital right after his accident. All those emotions came over me like a huge wave. It all felt worse when the gas station closed and I had to leave without getting gas. I was driving back towards our house because I didn’t want to leave Paul alone in case he really needed me. I was almost home and decided to go past our neighborhood to see if one of the gas stations a mile away had some gas. Amazingly, one had just opened and there were only 3 lines of cars, 4-5 cars deep. I pulled into line, thanking God for the help. I had sat there about 10 minutes, calling Jon to let him know I had found gas. Then the attendant came out to my car and told me that if I went around the building, there was an open pump on the opposite side. Out of all those people in line, he told me and it saved me some time. God is so loving and He hears us always.

As I pumped gas into the car, I talked to God about my huge concerns. I felt so overwhelmed with all the troubles in our country, my concerns about who might get elected and how it will affect us, how difficult this gas situation is, how sad I was that Paul is not well again. He got the full litany. As my gas tank filled, so was I. I was gently reminded that I am to take care of what is in my pathway. Since I don't have enough campaign funds to currently run for president, nor am I an economist by trade, I don't have a lot of imput other than to show up at the voting booth in November. Those are not my jobs to handle. It appears even those professionals haven't been able solve the problems. So, since I am a Catholic mother who is out of work on disability, I have been graced with extra time on my hands. I am to pray without ceasing for those who are in positions of leadership, pray for the graces our world needs to do God’s will, pray for my family while tending to their needs and continue to closely monitor Paul’s recovery. Pay attention to God’s promptings, Rebecca.

Paul has seen the doctor in town and they will first test for a parasite. I left a message with the neurosurgeon’s office and am waiting to hear back from them. Paul’s head was only at a pain level of 2 and his stomach still hurts today, but he went to school. Jerry took him so that I could keep my gas tank full in case we need to have the shunt tested in Charlotte. Looks like I have even more time to pray today, so I will start at the top of the litany I voiced to God yesterday.

God bless all of you in all ways. Take comfort knowing that God is still in charge, no matter what is going on in this small planet earth. Everything is truly His. Thanks be to God for that!

Love,
Jon and Rebecca