It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

We spent 8 blessed days with our family at Jon and Marie’s house, along with the most beautiful gift of all…………….baby Jon. He was born a week before Christmas and we had to wait 4 days before we could hold him. What joy it was, holding our first grandson. What joy it was watching Jon and Marie become such loving parents. I felt so blessed being in their home, watching their tender ways with each other and their son. Christmas morning will be one that I know I will remember for the rest of my life. We attended midnight Mass and as I sat with my family, dwelling on the most beautiful gift of the Infant Jesus, I could not hold onto all that joy. I could not stop thanking God for His Son and my many blessings! Yes, my joy came upon a midnight clear.

In the morning, we waited until Marie and baby Jon were all settled in the living room. It was a sunny, crisp morning and the room was bright with the sunlight. Jon read the morning prayers from the Liturgy of the Hours. I was filled with complete peace as I listened to my son read the prayers, while I gazed upon each person in that room and thanked God for this blessed morning. In the future, I plan on reflecting back on that moment of serenity when I need a ‘Calgon moment’ in my day. I will just close my eyes and will relive the sound of my son’s voice as he brought the Good News of the birth of Christ into that room and into our hearts. Thank God for memories.

Our sons spent their time quite leisurely and it was a lot of fun for me to be cooking and listening to their voices and laughter throughout the house. I have always loved being a mother and wife – lots of satisfaction has been derived from that. I hope it was as much fun for them as it was for me taking care of everyone in that home!

One thing I noticed during that time was how Paul seemed to be more withdrawn than usual. He participated with his brothers when they played cards or games, but we noticed he really didn’t sit in on conversations. He seemed to want to sit off by himself or stay in his room while using his laptop. I was worried about it and I asked him if he was okay. He said he was not feeling well and just didn’t feel like doing much. On the day that the guys planned to go to Washington, D.C. Paul said his stomach hurt. I really didn’t want him to miss out on the opportunity for him to be with his brothers and dad, so I asked him to eat a little bit of yogurt to calm his stomach and to please try to go. Jon said that Paul did ask to be taken back home 10 minutes into the trip, but they encouraged him to keep trying to make it. As it turned out, he had a good day and didn’t mention his stomach ache again. We kept a closer watch on him to make sure that something wasn’t going wrong with the shunt. The day we left, he was feeling fine and was happy to be going home. Jon and I talked about it after we got home and we came to the conclusion that Paul has a definite comfort zone and while he can handle any activity planned for the day, he does better emotionally being in his own home and in familiar routines. He does not seem ready to handle long absences from home. I also noticed was that Abby seemed as out of sorts as Paul. She would not leave his side. When they were gone on their day trip, Abby stayed right by my side. I could tell she was not a happy camper. It is not the first time that her behavior is a barometer for how Paul is feeling!

During the second evening we were home, I could not sleep because I was worried about how poorly Paul had done on this trip. I was more sad than worried. Of course, everything seems so exaggerated late at night and I had worked up quite a bit of concern and sadness about Paul. I stressed about how he seemed to regress in the past month and how weird it was that he could not handle being away from home, even though he was with his own family. I felt kind of panicked about what else we could do for him to help move him forward. He seemed so forgetful in the weeks before Christmas and was so lethargic while we were at Jon and Marie’s. He was excited about the baby, but seemed so withdrawn most days. So there I was, late at night, dwelling on all that Paul is missing and how inadequate a job I felt I was doing in helping him regain more of his life. As I was getting more restless by the moment, I finally got up and went downstairs to sit in front of the Blessed Mother. I let the tears flow and prayed for help. I started to realize that some of this exaggerated feeling was a product of complete fatigue after all the activity of the vacation, mixed in with feeling sad about having to leave our children and grandson. So I sat for awhile in the darkness and talked to Mary, mother to mother. I have worries about each one of my children and spoke to her about them individually. It was about midnight and the thought came to me, “Live in the NOW, it is all you have. Pray for God to protect them and then let go of your worries.” I smiled and remembered that I had had that message before and there is real comfort in that. Jesus is in the NOW. Not the future or past. If I stayed with Him in each moment, I would have peace. He knows every one of our needs before we even ask. I thanked Mary and Jesus for helping me one more time! I felt just how tired I was and was actually reluctant to go back to bed. I didn’t want this moment to end. I went on to think about how glorious it will be, if I am graced with a place in heaven, to spend eternity with Jesus, Mary and the saints and angels. I already know how much joy I feel when I receive Jesus in Communion – I can’t even believe how much more amazing it will be to be in His presence in heaven! I laughed at how God must have wanted my attention and how He got me downstairs for this quiet time. He is listening to us always, but we need to take time to hear His words. I was gently reminded of this though Mary in the quiet of the night – yes, it came upon a midnight clear. How I love this faith that has been handed down through the centuries, which leads me along God’s pathway. Speak Lord, your servant listens.

I talked to Jon the next morning about all the things I had running through my mind about Paul. It came to us in our discussion that we needed to listen to what Paul was thinking about his life. We decided to sit down with him, in a quiet setting and let him tell us his thoughts. We needed to take time to help him voice all that is going on in HIS mind. And he did just that. He told us about how he felt when he saw little Jon Augustine and that it reminded him how much he hoped he would be able to have a family some day. He does think about all that is missing in his life, but is actually not hugely sad. He is more frustrated at the inability to decide what he wants to do in school. What degree program should he choose? What course should he follow? He said it is just a blank for him. After we talked for awhile, I mentioned how much the young kids he has been in contact with, all seem to love to be around him. He is so at ease with them. He loves teaching guitar. I mentioned that maybe he should look at an education degree. He could teach guitar on his own, but could be a teacher at a school. Maybe a private school , so that he could share his faith. He actually perked up and we discussed it for awhile. We will help him research what he will need to take and we decided that we will choose one class and will go through the text book with him and prepare him to take the class in the next semester. He liked that idea. We told him that we had been remiss in helping him more in the weeks leading into our Christmas vacation and that we were back on track with him. He also asked that we get the plastic surgery done on his eye lid so that it will look more even with the other side. It really bothers him. He also really wants to be able to drive again. He was really sad about no progress with that. It would mean a lot to him and would help him feel like he was getting some of his life back. With the new year, it looks like we have some goals to attain. We have our point and purpose. I reminded Paul that a strong prayer life should remain a daily thing and he said “I know that one. I say prayers all throughout the day. When I look at my watch, I see my rosary (it’s a wrist rosary that Fr. Paddy had made) and it reminds me to say some Hail Mary’s.” We plan on having a weekly meeting like the one we had with Paul. Speak Paul, your parents listen!

I was reading my prayer book this morning and felt very happy when I read that midway through 2008, the Church will begin her celebration of the Year of St. Paul. My heart is full of the joy and anticipation of what we might be able to accomplish this year with our Paul. We will ask St. Paul to keep a prayer vigil going with us.

“As night falls, let us confidently entrust to God the burdens of the day – our hopes and fears, our achievements and failures, our good deeds and our sins – and rest in the stronghold of His unfailing love.”

God bless you all in this year of 2008. Just as Jesus needed to retire to quiet places and pray, may you be blessed with many ‘pockets of peace’ where you can deepen your relationship with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, through the loving intercession of our Blessed Mother Mary.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca