Jon has said more than once that if I am not worrying, I will be dead. While I have not written in a long time, it is not because I am dead. I have been ‘stewing’.
With today’s Gospel, I was fed. It is the story of the miracle of the 5 barley loaves and 2 fish feeding thousands of people who had gathered to hear Jesus speak. But right before Monsignor Tally started to read the Gospel, my mind was still ‘stewing’ . I was going over all the things I needed to get done and was stressed over how I would accomplish all the tasks that were lined up for this day. I had my Magnificat daily prayer book in my hand and had it opened to the page of today’s Gospel. I thought to myself that I had not opened this month’s edition and flipped back to the beginning to see the listing of all the saints whose feasts would be celebrated in April. Then I was flipping back to today’s readings to be ready to follow along with Monsignor as he read the Gospel, but then stopped at the Meditation of the Day for April 1st. It was written by St. Teresa of Avila. She wrote about a time when she had a vision of the Mother of God descend with a great multitude of angels , while St. Teresa was praying before a statue of Our Blessed Mary. At the end of the prayer, Mary spoke and said, “You were indeed right in placing me here; I shall be present in the praises they give my Son, and I shall offer these praises to Him.”
St. Teresa then writes, “ After this, I remained in the kind of prayer I now have, that of keeping my soul present with the Blessed Trinity. And it seemed to me that the Person of the Father drew me to Himself and spoke very pleasant words. Among them, while showing me what He wanted, he told me: “I gave you My Son and the Holy Spirit, and this Blessed Virgin. What can you give Me?”
I read the words of the last sentence again very slowly. What WOULD I give to my God? I fail so miserably at everything I attempt lately. All my stewing in the Easter season is about how I can’t seem to get a discipline of prayerfulness back, I can’t get Paul moved ahead in so many ways, my house is in the middle of a remodel job that has come to a halt, with the mess all around me. It is the visual aid of how my mind is these days - filled with too much mess and stress. Mostly about Paul. How can I do all that needs to be done for him, with my days filled to the max with so many other things? Writing on the blog is always on my mind, but it always gets put on the bottom of the list of things to do each day.
So back to the Mass today. After I had quickly read the meditation and then dwelled for a moment on that last sentence, I realized the Gospel had already been started. I found the place where they were and continued to follow along, thinking to myself - “Oh yeah, I know this Gospel.” I didn’t really listen as it was being read. I had heard it before and I wanted to get back to dwelling on that sentence. I felt basically …..miserable. I don’t ever seem to give anything back to God. I go to my job, I tend to the family in the little bit of time I have each day…………..but I don’t really DO anything FOR God. Then the Gospel reading was over and we sat down. Then God spoke to me through Monsignor Tally. He said this Gospel was filled with so many messages he didn’t know where to begin. But he said that the one thing that really caught his attention was the little boy who had the 5 loaves of bread and the 2 fish. He saw the thousands of people sitting around and in great faith, offered what he had to the apostles. He had only a tiny little bit to give, but he offered it with great love. He didn’t worry about how all those people would be fed. He just offered up his only possession. He let God do the rest. “What can you give Me?” That sentence jumped back into my thoughts and I answered God. “I will give you every little thing I have.”
It will not be one grand and marvelous event that will be my way of showing God that I love Him. It will be in the everyday events. The little actions that we all do that are mostly unnoticed by anyone around us, the words that we may never know will comfort others, the prayers said silently for everyone who needs them. I have felt so burdened with the job of getting Paul moved ahead and ready for college and ready to do something wonderful for God. God graced him with continued life here on earth, so there must be something really important for Paul to do. I have worried that I would fail God by not helping Paul attain all that God needs from him. I forgot that the recovery process is truly like watching grass grow. It is very slow and there are times when there seems to be no progress and no matter how much I ‘stew’ about it, it is not in my hands. I can only offer my few ingredients and then let God take over the rest. If God needs Paul to do something great, He will have to provide the rest.
It is incredible that I forgot some of the truths I learned early on in this whole event with Paul. The truths that always bring me peace. Blessed Teresa said it best………….do small things, but with Great Love.
That may even be the ‘great event’ that God wanted from Paul. He does not do anything that would make headline news, but he always does things with great love. He is simple in a number of ways, yet he always brings so much laughter into our days. Everyone who meets him seems to enjoy being with him, most especially children. He is an example of total dependence on God and a vision of the faith of that young boy offering his fish and loaves to help feed the masses of people. Paul is gentle, kind and patient and offers his love to everyone around him. He gives up freely the little he has, with a steadfast belief that God will guide him. He talked a lot about being able to have a wife and children in the months before Easter. On Good Friday, Paul, Michael and I attended the Stations of the Cross, then later that afternoon, the reading of the Passion and the veneration of the Cross. That night, we watched the Passion of the Christ. I went to bed with so many thoughts and emotions. Apparently, Paul did too. One of the first things he said to me on Holy Saturday was that he thought so much about having a wife and children, and while he would love to have that in life, he felt that Jesus was calling him to be a priest. He would do that for Jesus, because Jesus blessed him with his life. He said that if Jesus could offer up His life for us, then Paul would offer up his life for God. I told Paul that that would remain between him and God. And while that is true, that is where I started to feel stressed about how I needed to get Paul to be more independent, accept more responsibility, and get him into college and get a degree and …………………
Yep …..…..I had put the pot on the fire and it was ‘stewin’ baby. I had felt restless and overwhelmed ever since. I forgot that all I can do is take it one day at a time, ask for the guidance and offer up my love and Paul to God. He will finish cooking it. He will use it to feed the masses.
So, today, while I can’t feed the whole world, I can offer my few ingredients and share what I have learned with you. I will add my prayers (that include your intentions) and like you, will have to wait to see what’s for dinner.
Paul is feeling very good these days. He is using his micro current machine every day. We have not seen a lot of progress, but will give it time. If it is meant to bring healing, it will. It does help him with his pain and that is the best part. Without pain, Paul has very full days. He is now reading and writing book reports for us each day, summarizing what he has read. His sentences are correct grammatically, and they are showing more maturity and depth of thought. I was very happy to see that improvement. Writing skills will be very necessary for college. He does math very well too. He works on a computer site called Happy Neuron and it helps him with all sorts of skills - memory, reasoning, problem solving, logic. At first, he would become easily discouraged when he would score really low. But we encouraged him to keep at it and eventually he would see improvement. He used to give up and would go back to playing solitaire on his computer. He would become very defensive about how poorly he did. Yesterday, he called me to let me know he had finally passed a level and was going to move onto the next one. It was in the area of memory and he knows he has a lot of problems with that. For example, he asked me this morning what he told the barber last time about how he liked his hair cut. He is getting his hair cut again today and wanted it done the same way. I reminded him of what he said last time, then suggested that he keep a folder on his computer and enter that kind of information into it for future reference. He said he thought about doing that exact thing - keeping records of that kind of stuff.
He has taken over the full care of his dog. He is responsible for her meds, flea protection, grooming and feeding schedule. His watch alarm goes off almost hourly as he is reminded of daily activities. Before he gets into the car each day for work, he taps his chest, his 2 pants pockets, his jacket pockets and then get into the car. He does that as he makes sure he has his sunglasses, his eye drops, his keys, his watch, his wallet, Kleenex and Tylenol (just in case of increased head pain). He knows there are 7 things he wants to have with him and has figured out this method to remember them all. I don’t even ask him any more. He forgot his lunch one time and called me to ask what he should do. I asked him what he wanted to do. He had to think about it for a little bit, then realized that he had a debit card and could go with anyone from his office to go get lunch. He now lets me know that the reason he is not bringing a lunch is that he has made plans to go out to lunch. He is slowing realizing that he doesn’t have to call me, or Jon or Jerry or Judy to figure everything out. It is a slow process, but we are working really hard to make him think of the solutions to his problems. We are learning how to let go of caring for his every need. We only enable his being an invalid when we do this. It has been a slow learning process for us too!!!
God will get us there. This I know.
So, on this First Friday, Jon and I started back to the 6:30 AM Mass. We had missed it since Holy Week and it was truly a gift to us. Yes, we needed to be fed and we were.
God our Father, you gave us Christ, your Son, as the living bread to renew us.
Let Christ be our teacher and instruct us ,
so that we may learn your truth and
practice it in love.
Peace in Christ,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Friday, April 04, 2008
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
An addendum
After writing the previous posting early this morning, I have to add this addendum.
Not knowing our future at the time we visited the church, we went on to have our 3rd and 4th sons that we named James and Michael. In looking for pictures of St. Michael's Church today to add to the previous article, I found out the church is in St. James Parish in Louisiana (they don't have counties in Louisiana, they are called parishes). I only realized today the connections - I had my son Jon with me in the church, Paul was in my womb and James and Michael were yet to come. When I named my sons, James was named after my dad and Michael was named after my brother who died when I was 10 yrs old. Today, I realized the connections with their names and that of the church (St. Michael's) and location (St. James Parish)! I just had to come back and add this posting to share this FULL CIRCLE with all of you. Oh, the signs of God are great and many!!! I am still smiling about this realization!!
Not knowing our future at the time we visited the church, we went on to have our 3rd and 4th sons that we named James and Michael. In looking for pictures of St. Michael's Church today to add to the previous article, I found out the church is in St. James Parish in Louisiana (they don't have counties in Louisiana, they are called parishes). I only realized today the connections - I had my son Jon with me in the church, Paul was in my womb and James and Michael were yet to come. When I named my sons, James was named after my dad and Michael was named after my brother who died when I was 10 yrs old. Today, I realized the connections with their names and that of the church (St. Michael's) and location (St. James Parish)! I just had to come back and add this posting to share this FULL CIRCLE with all of you. Oh, the signs of God are great and many!!! I am still smiling about this realization!!
As it was, in the beginning
Lady of Lourdes
Grotto in the church
As you enter
St. Michael the
Archangel Church
St. Michael the
Archangel Church
Convent, Louisiana
My mother shared something with me years ago that I have never forgotten. She had written down her thoughts about how she used to suffer during the winter months from mild depression. She talked about how it was difficult for her to experience hope and joy with all the gray weather during these months. It made it very difficult to fend off her depression. But she finally found a way to hold on, most especially in the months of February and March. She would watch for the Forsythia bush to begin to bud. Once the bush had buds on it, her hope would be renewed and she would start to feel better. She lives in Michigan and the Forsythia blooms a little later than here in Atlanta. So, each year I call her as soon as I see the buds on MY Forsythia bush, to help her get a head start! I too feel a rush of joyfulness when I see those buds. And so it was that I called her this past week to share this news with her.
As we talked, we got onto the subject of my hoping that we will be able to get Paul to Lourdes, France in this 150th year anniversary of that apparition. She then remembered an occasion before Paul’s birth. I had been told that something was possibly wrong with Paul in my 5th month of pregnancy with him. I remember leaving that doctor appointment with a tremendous amount of concern. I drove straight to my mom’s house and as I cried, told her what the doctor had said. They were worried about how small Paul appeared after doing a sonogram. They were going to wait a month and would measure the growth of Paul’s bones to determine if the placenta had separated, which would keep the necessary nutrition from getting to Paul. They really were not sure what the problem was, but had concern about his size.
My mother immediately remembered there was a shrine to Our Lady of Lourdes at St. Michael the Archangel Church in Convent, Louisiana. We lived in Baton Rouge at the time, so it would be about a 45 minute drive for us. We made plans to drive down the next day. My sister, Beverly and her children, my mother, my son Jon and I all went down to St. Michael’s on this day. As we entered the old church, built in the 1800’s, I felt at peace. We wrote our petitions on slips of paper and we put them into the slot that was in the grotto wall. I prayed that Our Lady of Lourdes would heal my unborn baby of any problem and to please surround him with Her love and protection. I left it in Her hands, as there was nothing I could do for Paul, other than continue to eat well and fight off the tendency to worry…………….a very difficult thing for me to do. As my husband once said, “Rebecca, the day you don’t worry about something will be the day you have died.”
At my next appointment, the sonogram showed that his leg and arm bones had grown a sufficient amount, which meant he was getting the nutrition he needed. It was funny that during the sonogram, the midwife told us it was definitely a girl and that might explain the small size. We were disappointed she told us the sex of the baby, as we wanted to be surprised. We got our wish………it was a boy and we were totally unprepared for a boy. We didn’t have a name ready, instead we had the name Mary Catherine ready for our little ’girl’. We had a dress with us to take her home too! We were not the only ones surprised that day. The doctor could not believe the size of our baby……………..8 lbs and 9 oz, and 21 ½ inches long. Jonny had been 9 lbs 9 ozs and 80% of second babies are larger, hence the doctor’s concern. But after delivering Paul, she looked at me and said, “I don’t know where you hid all of this baby!”
As mom and I talked about this, my mom said that if we can’t get Paul to Lourdes, France, maybe a trip to Convent, Louisiana would be the next best thing. After all, that is where Our Lady of Lourdes’ protection first began! It may be those prayers said 23 years ago that helped save Paul’s life on 11/11/05.
As we entered Holy Week, I had so many prayers of thanksgiving to Our Lady. I prayed at the beginning of Lent that we would be home for Easter this year. The last 2 years, we spent Easter in the hospitals with Paul. A couple of weeks ago, Paul had a flare up in the pain in his head and we were ready to rush back up to Charlotte. I kept praying that we would not need to have a shunt revision and that Paul would be healed without surgery. Prayers were once again answered. His pain level came back down after 2 straight days of high level pain and it has remained low ever since. We have prayed a rosary together each night of this week and this morning, we were surprised by a phone call from Paul. He called at 5:00 AM and asked if we wanted to say a rosary this morning instead of tonight. There is the service of Tenebrae tonight, so saying the rosary early in the morning was best. We sat this morning in darkness, with only the candles lit on our family ’altar’. The light illuminated the statue of Mary, and Jesus on the crucifix above her. We prayed the Glorious Mysteries, where we pray for the fruits of Faith, Hope and Love of God. The anticipation of the Easter Tridium is at hand. Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday will be spent with our parish family at St. Stephen’s - not in a hospital. My joy is overflowing.
Easter morning, there will be Forsythia branches in a vase in front of Our Blessed Mother, Mary! She continues to lead us to Her Son, Jesus.
God bless all of you in this season of great hope and great joy.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Come Clean
As I journey through this Lenten season, I have prayed that I would be more clearly aware of my own sinfulness so that I could experience a healing in my soul. While I always pray for healings of the body for our family and friends, it came to my mind to also focus on a healing of my soul as Lent began.
Two weeks ago, Jon, Paul and I drove to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. It was the weekend before the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes on Monday 2/11. This year marks the 150th anniversary of her appearance before Bernadette. I was very much aware of this anniversary due to the Pope’s announcement of the plenary indulgence associated with Our Lady of Lourdes. I was praying most fervently that I would see my sinfulness with greater clarity as I prepared for the Sacrament of Reconciliation that weekend. I did not want to rationalize away any of my patterns of behavior - I wanted to look at myself with total honesty so that I could confess all my sins that I was aware of. I don’t know about anyone else, but I do not enjoy having to actually say my sins out loud. But Jesus already knows our sins and He told St. Faustina in her diary, that He wanted her to speak them out loud.
On Saturday afternoon there was a procession around the grounds of the Shrine with the altar servers carrying the statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. There was a large group of people following and we prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary as we processed. There were 4 young girls who were dropping rose petals as we walked along the pathways. It was a very peaceful time for me personally. By the time we got back, the priests were ready to hear confessions. Almost always after the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I feel a great peace. This time I did not. I felt very saddened. I prayed afterwards for a long time in the Shrine and pondering the truth that Jesus always forgives us. It is hard to understand that kind of love. Harder still to totally accept it. We are so limited in our concept of this perfect love. I have been blessed in thousands of ways and yet, I was very aware this time of how my sinfulness truly hurts Our Lord. I felt an unworthiness like never before. I know I can never be worthy of heaven. Our salvation comes through Jesus. But I had a greater sense of how my sinfulness truly hurts God, hurts my relationship with Him I left the Shrine with a very heavy heart.
It stayed with me through the night and into the next day. I really questioned whether I was on the right track with Jesus. I know we are forgiven our sins, but I found myself dwelling on my weakness and how I fall into sinfulness so easily. Would I ever become more disciplined and show greater strength in avoiding sinful patterns? How could I ever stay on the road of the saints?
On our drive home, Jon and I talked about this and he reminded me that I was heading into despair and that was a tool of Satan. I understood what he was saying, but I was having a difficult time turning away from this inner sorrow. I was so sorry as I looked back on my life, with all the ways that I had failed to return the love He so freely gives. All the time I had wasted on pursuing ’earthly treasures’. It is not that I was doubting God’s love for me, I just really doubted me! What will it take for me to become a more holy child of God? Wasn’t Jesus dying on the cross enough? What greater love is there? Paul’s accident certainly was an eye opener to the amount of love God has for us all.
I continued to dwell on all of this and found no answer to this intense inner pain I was experiencing. Monday was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, so I asked Paul if he wanted to go to Mass and we would pray for continued healing for him and the family. Once we got to church, we learned that there was a healing Mass that evening, so we waited until that time to attend. Jon had gone to the 6:30 AM Mass, so just Paul and I went that night. As I prayed for Paul, I drifted into prayer for a true conversion of my heart, so that I might better serve our Lord. I went home that night and continued my prayers to Our Lady of Lourdes to help me truly heal all that keeps me from serving our Lord with humility and perseverance.
I spent the better part of that week in prayerfulness whenever I had a spare moment. I kept up my efforts at working through this sense of sorrow I still had inside. I worked to fill this void with prayers. One morning, I sat quietly as the morning sun slowly brought light and wondered about this feeling of loss and sorrow. Where had it come from? What was God trying to tell me? I asked God to show me His way, because whatever the message was, I was not getting it at all. I did tell Him that I would wait and if this was another test in patience, please provide the strength to help me remain prayerful and not waiver in my faith.
I got up to get a cup of coffee and saw the booklet a woman showed me while we were at the Shrine. I had just met this woman early Saturday morning and she mentioned that there was a wonderful booklet written by Mother Angelica and told me the title. She had met Paul and she told me this book was about suffering. I said I would look for it in the book store. As Jon, Paul and I browsed through the store, I had forgotten the title of that booklet and had also become distracted by my conversations with Jon and Paul. As I was in line to purchase a few gifts, this woman came up to me with the booklet in her hand and gave it to me. She said it was a remarkable book. I admit it surprised me that she was so persistent! Later I tucked it into my suitcase and when I got home, I placed it on the table in our prayer/music room. And there it sat until I was lead back to it……….in God’s time!
I read through the table of contents and the title “Repentant Suffering” got my attention and I started to read. Instantly I was reading the very words that described how I had been feeling. Someone knew exactly what was in my heart and I was comforted.
“ When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted,” (Matt. 5;5)
“He was speaking of the sorrow that follows true repentance. Only those who have fallen deeply understand what the word “mourn” means. The sinner who suddenly realizes God’s love for him and then looks at his rejection of that love, has a feeling of loss similar to the depth of a loved one. A deep void is created in the soul and a loneliness akin to the agony of death. The soul feels wrapped in an icy grip of fear. This is not, however, the fear of punishment but the realization of its ingratitude towards so good and loving a God.
Sorrow begins to heal the wounds made by sin and God Himself comforts the soul with the healing balm of His Mercy and Compassion.
If the sin were great, the soul, humbled by self-knowledge, remembers its weakness so as never to offend God again but forever rejoices in His Mercy. This combination of mourning and comfort keeps the soul in a state of dependence and trust in God who sought and found His lost sheep.
When the soul realizes that the sins it has committed not only affect itself and the community but offend a powerful and loving Lord, it feels a sense of loss for having deprived so good a God of the honor and glory of a virtuous life. The difference between this sense of loss and that which exists in hell is that the suffering of repentance reaches up to God for Mercy, while those in hell know only remorse. They possess a hatred of God that fills their miserable souls with bitter regrets and a refusal to seek forgiveness.”
Mother Angelica, 1977
There is a lot more on this topic, but too long to completely quote. It almost spoke out loud to me! I felt a renewed sense of hope and also a longing for Jesus. With this new ’armor’ I made an adjustment to my Lenten resolutions and added MORE PRAYERFULNESS into my day. The kind of prayerfulness I had right after Paul’s accident. The kind that keeps me in conversation with Jesus and Mary throughout my day. It is what truly brings me great joy in my day.
“If today you hear my voice, harden not your hearts.” Amen.
We have a few things on the horizon for Paul. We continue to work with him in different areas of study. Our newest routine is to let Paul read short stories out loud to us and as we go along, ask him to explain what is going on, or to define the words he may not know. We keep a dictionary by his side and he will stop to look up the definition if he gets stuck. We have been reading stories by James Joyce and O’Henry - both of them having a number of difficult words and imagery. Paul has done well in his understanding of the meanings - way better than I thought he would do. He practices his guitar, but has stopped the lessons. He said his heart is just not in it right now. It might even be for the better at this time because we want to work with Paul in studying. He will be taking the neuro-psych exam (7 hours) in April or May. We want it to be taken closer to the time he goes to college. He remains really hopeful that it will bring him closer to getting his driver’s license again. From the assessment of that test they can determine more clearly his ability to drive. His reaction times were good, but still need some fine tuning when it comes to braking in time. His time was off by 2/10 of a second…………about the time it takes for someone to blow their horn at you after the light turns green………smile.
Paul is showing more improvement in the area of maturity. He just this week stated that he needs to accept more responsibility in his life and is working at not asking what he needs to do next. Lately, he has started to keep his room clean and picks up after himself. He got up this morning on his own ….at 5:30 AM…..another little miracle ….and joined us at 6:30 AM Mass. I remember back to the time he begged Jon to give him 240 seconds more to stay in bed. HOUSTON, WE HAVE PROGRESS! Very awesome.
He is starting to get tingling in his cheek and along the side of his nose. He was able to close his eyelid but it took about 15 seconds. The lower lid now has a lot of ‘quivering’ movement in it, which he didn’t have before. His micro current treatment everyday seems to be showing signs of some help. We have left it in God’s hands. I have told Paul that if we can get him to Lourdes, France this year, we are going to do it. We may not be the ones taking him due to expenses, but I have asked Our Lady of Lourdes to help us find the way, if it be God’s will.
So much to be prayerful about, so much to bring hope and joy.
The name of the book I was quoting is “The Healing Power of Suffering” and costs only $2. A real bargain in many ways!
As Lent continues, I will continue to pray, “Have mercy on me, O God, in Your goodness; in Your great tenderness wipe away my faults, wash me clean of my guilt, purify me of my sin.”
Peace be with all of you,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Two weeks ago, Jon, Paul and I drove to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. It was the weekend before the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes on Monday 2/11. This year marks the 150th anniversary of her appearance before Bernadette. I was very much aware of this anniversary due to the Pope’s announcement of the plenary indulgence associated with Our Lady of Lourdes. I was praying most fervently that I would see my sinfulness with greater clarity as I prepared for the Sacrament of Reconciliation that weekend. I did not want to rationalize away any of my patterns of behavior - I wanted to look at myself with total honesty so that I could confess all my sins that I was aware of. I don’t know about anyone else, but I do not enjoy having to actually say my sins out loud. But Jesus already knows our sins and He told St. Faustina in her diary, that He wanted her to speak them out loud.
On Saturday afternoon there was a procession around the grounds of the Shrine with the altar servers carrying the statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. There was a large group of people following and we prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary as we processed. There were 4 young girls who were dropping rose petals as we walked along the pathways. It was a very peaceful time for me personally. By the time we got back, the priests were ready to hear confessions. Almost always after the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I feel a great peace. This time I did not. I felt very saddened. I prayed afterwards for a long time in the Shrine and pondering the truth that Jesus always forgives us. It is hard to understand that kind of love. Harder still to totally accept it. We are so limited in our concept of this perfect love. I have been blessed in thousands of ways and yet, I was very aware this time of how my sinfulness truly hurts Our Lord. I felt an unworthiness like never before. I know I can never be worthy of heaven. Our salvation comes through Jesus. But I had a greater sense of how my sinfulness truly hurts God, hurts my relationship with Him I left the Shrine with a very heavy heart.
It stayed with me through the night and into the next day. I really questioned whether I was on the right track with Jesus. I know we are forgiven our sins, but I found myself dwelling on my weakness and how I fall into sinfulness so easily. Would I ever become more disciplined and show greater strength in avoiding sinful patterns? How could I ever stay on the road of the saints?
On our drive home, Jon and I talked about this and he reminded me that I was heading into despair and that was a tool of Satan. I understood what he was saying, but I was having a difficult time turning away from this inner sorrow. I was so sorry as I looked back on my life, with all the ways that I had failed to return the love He so freely gives. All the time I had wasted on pursuing ’earthly treasures’. It is not that I was doubting God’s love for me, I just really doubted me! What will it take for me to become a more holy child of God? Wasn’t Jesus dying on the cross enough? What greater love is there? Paul’s accident certainly was an eye opener to the amount of love God has for us all.
I continued to dwell on all of this and found no answer to this intense inner pain I was experiencing. Monday was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, so I asked Paul if he wanted to go to Mass and we would pray for continued healing for him and the family. Once we got to church, we learned that there was a healing Mass that evening, so we waited until that time to attend. Jon had gone to the 6:30 AM Mass, so just Paul and I went that night. As I prayed for Paul, I drifted into prayer for a true conversion of my heart, so that I might better serve our Lord. I went home that night and continued my prayers to Our Lady of Lourdes to help me truly heal all that keeps me from serving our Lord with humility and perseverance.
I spent the better part of that week in prayerfulness whenever I had a spare moment. I kept up my efforts at working through this sense of sorrow I still had inside. I worked to fill this void with prayers. One morning, I sat quietly as the morning sun slowly brought light and wondered about this feeling of loss and sorrow. Where had it come from? What was God trying to tell me? I asked God to show me His way, because whatever the message was, I was not getting it at all. I did tell Him that I would wait and if this was another test in patience, please provide the strength to help me remain prayerful and not waiver in my faith.
I got up to get a cup of coffee and saw the booklet a woman showed me while we were at the Shrine. I had just met this woman early Saturday morning and she mentioned that there was a wonderful booklet written by Mother Angelica and told me the title. She had met Paul and she told me this book was about suffering. I said I would look for it in the book store. As Jon, Paul and I browsed through the store, I had forgotten the title of that booklet and had also become distracted by my conversations with Jon and Paul. As I was in line to purchase a few gifts, this woman came up to me with the booklet in her hand and gave it to me. She said it was a remarkable book. I admit it surprised me that she was so persistent! Later I tucked it into my suitcase and when I got home, I placed it on the table in our prayer/music room. And there it sat until I was lead back to it……….in God’s time!
I read through the table of contents and the title “Repentant Suffering” got my attention and I started to read. Instantly I was reading the very words that described how I had been feeling. Someone knew exactly what was in my heart and I was comforted.
“ When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted,” (Matt. 5;5)
“He was speaking of the sorrow that follows true repentance. Only those who have fallen deeply understand what the word “mourn” means. The sinner who suddenly realizes God’s love for him and then looks at his rejection of that love, has a feeling of loss similar to the depth of a loved one. A deep void is created in the soul and a loneliness akin to the agony of death. The soul feels wrapped in an icy grip of fear. This is not, however, the fear of punishment but the realization of its ingratitude towards so good and loving a God.
Sorrow begins to heal the wounds made by sin and God Himself comforts the soul with the healing balm of His Mercy and Compassion.
If the sin were great, the soul, humbled by self-knowledge, remembers its weakness so as never to offend God again but forever rejoices in His Mercy. This combination of mourning and comfort keeps the soul in a state of dependence and trust in God who sought and found His lost sheep.
When the soul realizes that the sins it has committed not only affect itself and the community but offend a powerful and loving Lord, it feels a sense of loss for having deprived so good a God of the honor and glory of a virtuous life. The difference between this sense of loss and that which exists in hell is that the suffering of repentance reaches up to God for Mercy, while those in hell know only remorse. They possess a hatred of God that fills their miserable souls with bitter regrets and a refusal to seek forgiveness.”
Mother Angelica, 1977
There is a lot more on this topic, but too long to completely quote. It almost spoke out loud to me! I felt a renewed sense of hope and also a longing for Jesus. With this new ’armor’ I made an adjustment to my Lenten resolutions and added MORE PRAYERFULNESS into my day. The kind of prayerfulness I had right after Paul’s accident. The kind that keeps me in conversation with Jesus and Mary throughout my day. It is what truly brings me great joy in my day.
“If today you hear my voice, harden not your hearts.” Amen.
We have a few things on the horizon for Paul. We continue to work with him in different areas of study. Our newest routine is to let Paul read short stories out loud to us and as we go along, ask him to explain what is going on, or to define the words he may not know. We keep a dictionary by his side and he will stop to look up the definition if he gets stuck. We have been reading stories by James Joyce and O’Henry - both of them having a number of difficult words and imagery. Paul has done well in his understanding of the meanings - way better than I thought he would do. He practices his guitar, but has stopped the lessons. He said his heart is just not in it right now. It might even be for the better at this time because we want to work with Paul in studying. He will be taking the neuro-psych exam (7 hours) in April or May. We want it to be taken closer to the time he goes to college. He remains really hopeful that it will bring him closer to getting his driver’s license again. From the assessment of that test they can determine more clearly his ability to drive. His reaction times were good, but still need some fine tuning when it comes to braking in time. His time was off by 2/10 of a second…………about the time it takes for someone to blow their horn at you after the light turns green………smile.
Paul is showing more improvement in the area of maturity. He just this week stated that he needs to accept more responsibility in his life and is working at not asking what he needs to do next. Lately, he has started to keep his room clean and picks up after himself. He got up this morning on his own ….at 5:30 AM…..another little miracle ….and joined us at 6:30 AM Mass. I remember back to the time he begged Jon to give him 240 seconds more to stay in bed. HOUSTON, WE HAVE PROGRESS! Very awesome.
He is starting to get tingling in his cheek and along the side of his nose. He was able to close his eyelid but it took about 15 seconds. The lower lid now has a lot of ‘quivering’ movement in it, which he didn’t have before. His micro current treatment everyday seems to be showing signs of some help. We have left it in God’s hands. I have told Paul that if we can get him to Lourdes, France this year, we are going to do it. We may not be the ones taking him due to expenses, but I have asked Our Lady of Lourdes to help us find the way, if it be God’s will.
So much to be prayerful about, so much to bring hope and joy.
The name of the book I was quoting is “The Healing Power of Suffering” and costs only $2. A real bargain in many ways!
As Lent continues, I will continue to pray, “Have mercy on me, O God, in Your goodness; in Your great tenderness wipe away my faults, wash me clean of my guilt, purify me of my sin.”
Peace be with all of you,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Be back soon........
I should have a new posting by this evening.
God bless everyone today !
Love, Rebecca
God bless everyone today !
Love, Rebecca
Monday, February 04, 2008
Blooming Where He is Planted
Paul's days are much more busy for him. He works on gaining his skills in classical guitar and has to work a lot harder than before the accident. He was used to putting in a little bit of time and gaining new skills easily. That is no longer the case. He struggles to remember the new pieces assigned and it takes him a lot longer to play the songs well. I think it is due to the fact that he has so many other areas to pay attention to, he can't devote all the hours as before. I know he used to stay up very late into the night playing his guitar and more of his life was spent thinking about his music. He had a specific goal in mind - being part of a band that would propel him into the music industry, where he would make his living. While he still loves music, to be one of the best guitarists again is not the passion driving him these days. We have encouraged him to regain his skill, as he is still very gifted and that is a gift from God. We really believe that this gift is already serving a beautiful purpose. Paul is giving guitar lessons to a young man in our parish every Monday night. Austin's family has been praying for Paul all along and I told Paul about it. He was very pleased to know that prayers were being offered up for his recovery. He has a complete understanding that he will be healed according to God's will and that prayers are going to help accomplish that. He had noticed Austin before, but mostly when Austin would be an altar server at Mass. He has an angelic face and Paul had commented on how reverent this young man was during the Mass. One day, the two of them began a conversation that lead straight to music. Austin said he was trying to learn how to play the guitar and asked if Paul would give him lessons. In exchange for continued prayers, Paul teaches Austin what he knows. Austin's little sister, Mary, comes over too on Monday nights and I give her piano lessons. Mary always runs up to Paul and gives him a hug. As do her other 2 little sisters. Paul cannot believe how sweet these children are and it brings him a lot of joy that they all gather around him. I talked to him one day about how children seem to enjoy being around him so much and that maybe he could head in the direction of being a teacher in elementary or middle school. He said that was a very interesting idea and he would definitely consider it. He said that he is very confused when it comes to deciding a degree program. While he is sure he won't pursue a music degree, he remains unsure what direction he will go. There is so much to accomplish and I think it is still overwhelming for him in many ways. We are taking it one day at a time and I know God will lead us.
I was reading some scripture this past week and the readings are from the Book of Samuel. When David intends to build the Lord "a house to dwell in," God intervenes, reminding David that the initiative for such a project rests with God alone. God is the sower and He asks for our humble response. The task of helping Paul back to the life God intends seems daunting at times. As I look back over the past two year, which I have done a lot in the past weekend as we cleaned out a lot of drawers and closets, I cannot believe where we were and where we have come. I found the old containers used to mix all the foods to help Paul gain back all of his weight - 50+ lbs. He was 119 lbs at one point! We found some old medical supplies and the sweat pants and sweat shirts he lived in daily. It brought back to mind just how overwhelmed I felt back then. In looking back, I can see clearly that God walked with us. " I have been with you wherever you went......I will give you rest from all your enemies." My fear, doubts and fatigue were truly the enemies! Thanks be to God, through your prayers, we were given the grace to look to God when we felt we could not go another day watching him suffer in so much pain.
Paul's shoulder pain is gone, thanks to Dr. Tally. He is a chiropractor and he was able to help straighten out the cervical area of the spine, which caused the pain in Paul's shoulder. Paul is pretty much done with his therapy and is now able to work out in the gym 3 days a week. Jon and I have joined also. We found the weight Paul lost...............smile. It is very helpful for me to excercise some of my 'impatience' away! I keep forgetting that God is going to move 'this battleship' forward and sometimes I am only provided an oar. Steady as she goes Rebecca - stay the course!
Paul works every day, comes home and practices his guitar, helps get dinner ready sometimes (he defintely will not become a chef.........absolutely no interest in the preparation of food, just the eating). As Paul got better, his brothers took him shopping for clothes and James gave him a lot of his T-shirts that Paul liked. So, he has an overabundance of clothes which means he does not have to do his laundry as frequently as we do! But he does it when necessary. He knows how to do everything for himself, but it is the short term memory that is the stumbling block. He is getting better, but it is a bit like molasses in January. We are not telling him what to do and are watching to see how much he will do on his own. His watch goes off frequently throughout the day, with the reminders to drink plenty of water, take his vitamins, feed his dog, get her medications, remember doctor appointments, get up and showered, to name a few. But we have light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, as he was going through some of his old things as we cleaned out the garage, he called out to Jon and me, "Hey! I remembered to feed Abby BEFORE my alarm went off!" He was extremely happy about it. So were we. He loves his dog so much, but she would have died from neglect a long time ago had we not been in charge of her care! Even before the accident, he thought he tended to all her needs when he taught her tricks and took her with him in his car! Jon and I always tended to her daily care. We talked to Paul about taking full charge of her care and with the help of his watch alarm, has done a pretty good job. It was another goal for him. One more mission accomplished, in a long line of many. That is what I dwell on when I feel like the battleship is just turning in circles - how far he has come. All it takes is a walk down memory lane, reading the early entries in the blog and I lose my impatience. God must have known I would need that visual aid 323 postings ago!
Paul is now planning a Gamefest at Jerry's house. Jerry has turned his basement into great place for Mike, Paul, Dylan (his nephew) and Frank (his dad). There is an air hockey table, bumper pool table, foosball and dart board - along with a lreally arge popcorn machine! We go over on Friday nights and watch movies and listen to the noise down below. I have talked before about how competitive my sons are, but they have met their match with the Hufford men! These games are a great help for Paul in eye/hand coordination and also for helping him gain very quick reflexes. Last Friday, Paul brought Austin and Mary over for the movie/game night. They really enjoyed watching the popcorn machine. We had so much fun watching them and apparently Mary is great at air hockey! Paul will have to put in some real practice time to beat her. There are 7 children in Austin/Mary's family and I am sure that is where they have gained their competitive skills! Paul had so much fun he asked Jerry if he could plan an evening with his friends. It was great hearing him talk about who he was going to call and what all they would do. It will be a fun goal for him. He may want to continue to play against Austin and Mary before then so that he can continue to improve his skills!
We received a portable micro current machine from Dr. Matthews. His assistant was coming to Atlanta from Charlotte and she brought it to Jon at work last week. Each evening, for 2 hours before Paul does the treatment, he has to drink 64 oz of water. Then he places the electrodes on his forehead and at the back of the neck and lets the machine do it's work. Now that he is doing it nightly, he said he can feel tingling all the way down his cheek - from the inside corner of his eye to the top of his lip. He hopes and prays that the paralysis will be cured, and we pray daily for that to happen. We know there is always the major surgery to replace that nerve, but it is not going to happen before we try everything else. Paul works hard on the instructions that Shephard gave hiim for his eye coordination. Paul wants his eye function back more than anything else. He also keeps asking about getting more repair work done on his lid and eyebrow area. We have to wait to see if the nerve function comes back as that is what controls the muscles on the left side of his face. Any other reconstructive surgery might over correct the level of his eyebrow if the nerve works again, so they are waiting to do further surgery at this time. Patience - there's that word again.
Paul also takes Abby on walks now and she is losing some of her weight! We are all on the road to recovering healthy bodies! Paul gets up by himself each day very early and is ready for Mass or work on time. He makes his own lunches and only occasionally might forget it. He tends to his eye all day long (that is another alarm that goes off - once an hour to put liquid tears in his eye) and only needs to tape it down at night. We are using only 2 thin strips to help keep the skin from stretching any worse around the eye. Paul has another opthamologist appointment at the end of February. We need to make sure that he doesn't need corrective lenses for his left eye. He is able to focus much more quicly each week after doing his excercises, but he said that it is still a little blurry in his left eye. We had been told he had 20/20 vision and it might be that over time the left eye has lost some of that sharpness. Or, with more excercise, it will be okay. I don't know the first thing about optometry, so will let it go and let God guide the doctor.
As you can see - progress is being made. Your prayers are moving this battleship forward through stormy and calm waters.
"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies. (IS 30:15)
Inner peace can only come from surrendering to the Lord in trust and then living by His love.
When we are asked how we are doing, then we can respond by saying joyfully, "'I AM BLESSED!"
We pray you are too.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
I was reading some scripture this past week and the readings are from the Book of Samuel. When David intends to build the Lord "a house to dwell in," God intervenes, reminding David that the initiative for such a project rests with God alone. God is the sower and He asks for our humble response. The task of helping Paul back to the life God intends seems daunting at times. As I look back over the past two year, which I have done a lot in the past weekend as we cleaned out a lot of drawers and closets, I cannot believe where we were and where we have come. I found the old containers used to mix all the foods to help Paul gain back all of his weight - 50+ lbs. He was 119 lbs at one point! We found some old medical supplies and the sweat pants and sweat shirts he lived in daily. It brought back to mind just how overwhelmed I felt back then. In looking back, I can see clearly that God walked with us. " I have been with you wherever you went......I will give you rest from all your enemies." My fear, doubts and fatigue were truly the enemies! Thanks be to God, through your prayers, we were given the grace to look to God when we felt we could not go another day watching him suffer in so much pain.
Paul's shoulder pain is gone, thanks to Dr. Tally. He is a chiropractor and he was able to help straighten out the cervical area of the spine, which caused the pain in Paul's shoulder. Paul is pretty much done with his therapy and is now able to work out in the gym 3 days a week. Jon and I have joined also. We found the weight Paul lost...............smile. It is very helpful for me to excercise some of my 'impatience' away! I keep forgetting that God is going to move 'this battleship' forward and sometimes I am only provided an oar. Steady as she goes Rebecca - stay the course!
Paul works every day, comes home and practices his guitar, helps get dinner ready sometimes (he defintely will not become a chef.........absolutely no interest in the preparation of food, just the eating). As Paul got better, his brothers took him shopping for clothes and James gave him a lot of his T-shirts that Paul liked. So, he has an overabundance of clothes which means he does not have to do his laundry as frequently as we do! But he does it when necessary. He knows how to do everything for himself, but it is the short term memory that is the stumbling block. He is getting better, but it is a bit like molasses in January. We are not telling him what to do and are watching to see how much he will do on his own. His watch goes off frequently throughout the day, with the reminders to drink plenty of water, take his vitamins, feed his dog, get her medications, remember doctor appointments, get up and showered, to name a few. But we have light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, as he was going through some of his old things as we cleaned out the garage, he called out to Jon and me, "Hey! I remembered to feed Abby BEFORE my alarm went off!" He was extremely happy about it. So were we. He loves his dog so much, but she would have died from neglect a long time ago had we not been in charge of her care! Even before the accident, he thought he tended to all her needs when he taught her tricks and took her with him in his car! Jon and I always tended to her daily care. We talked to Paul about taking full charge of her care and with the help of his watch alarm, has done a pretty good job. It was another goal for him. One more mission accomplished, in a long line of many. That is what I dwell on when I feel like the battleship is just turning in circles - how far he has come. All it takes is a walk down memory lane, reading the early entries in the blog and I lose my impatience. God must have known I would need that visual aid 323 postings ago!
Paul is now planning a Gamefest at Jerry's house. Jerry has turned his basement into great place for Mike, Paul, Dylan (his nephew) and Frank (his dad). There is an air hockey table, bumper pool table, foosball and dart board - along with a lreally arge popcorn machine! We go over on Friday nights and watch movies and listen to the noise down below. I have talked before about how competitive my sons are, but they have met their match with the Hufford men! These games are a great help for Paul in eye/hand coordination and also for helping him gain very quick reflexes. Last Friday, Paul brought Austin and Mary over for the movie/game night. They really enjoyed watching the popcorn machine. We had so much fun watching them and apparently Mary is great at air hockey! Paul will have to put in some real practice time to beat her. There are 7 children in Austin/Mary's family and I am sure that is where they have gained their competitive skills! Paul had so much fun he asked Jerry if he could plan an evening with his friends. It was great hearing him talk about who he was going to call and what all they would do. It will be a fun goal for him. He may want to continue to play against Austin and Mary before then so that he can continue to improve his skills!
We received a portable micro current machine from Dr. Matthews. His assistant was coming to Atlanta from Charlotte and she brought it to Jon at work last week. Each evening, for 2 hours before Paul does the treatment, he has to drink 64 oz of water. Then he places the electrodes on his forehead and at the back of the neck and lets the machine do it's work. Now that he is doing it nightly, he said he can feel tingling all the way down his cheek - from the inside corner of his eye to the top of his lip. He hopes and prays that the paralysis will be cured, and we pray daily for that to happen. We know there is always the major surgery to replace that nerve, but it is not going to happen before we try everything else. Paul works hard on the instructions that Shephard gave hiim for his eye coordination. Paul wants his eye function back more than anything else. He also keeps asking about getting more repair work done on his lid and eyebrow area. We have to wait to see if the nerve function comes back as that is what controls the muscles on the left side of his face. Any other reconstructive surgery might over correct the level of his eyebrow if the nerve works again, so they are waiting to do further surgery at this time. Patience - there's that word again.
Paul also takes Abby on walks now and she is losing some of her weight! We are all on the road to recovering healthy bodies! Paul gets up by himself each day very early and is ready for Mass or work on time. He makes his own lunches and only occasionally might forget it. He tends to his eye all day long (that is another alarm that goes off - once an hour to put liquid tears in his eye) and only needs to tape it down at night. We are using only 2 thin strips to help keep the skin from stretching any worse around the eye. Paul has another opthamologist appointment at the end of February. We need to make sure that he doesn't need corrective lenses for his left eye. He is able to focus much more quicly each week after doing his excercises, but he said that it is still a little blurry in his left eye. We had been told he had 20/20 vision and it might be that over time the left eye has lost some of that sharpness. Or, with more excercise, it will be okay. I don't know the first thing about optometry, so will let it go and let God guide the doctor.
As you can see - progress is being made. Your prayers are moving this battleship forward through stormy and calm waters.
"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies. (IS 30:15)
Inner peace can only come from surrendering to the Lord in trust and then living by His love.
When we are asked how we are doing, then we can respond by saying joyfully, "'I AM BLESSED!"
We pray you are too.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Friday, February 01, 2008
The Sahara
(Of course it is a long one - It's been a month!)
Around the time of my last posting......................many weeks ago...........I made an unexpected detour into the desert. I felt 'bone dry' and could not seem to make my way back out. My disciplines had gone by the way side, my thoughts wandered away from prayer so easily and I found myself really struggling to find some sign that Jesus was still with me. I sat at my computer many mornings asking God to help me write something and nothing came to mind. I experienced either a huge void or I could not keep my thoughts from heading off in tangents without my being able to corral them. It was exactly like the having 'pop ups' that show up on your computer as you try to get to the site you really want. I came to the conclusion it was time to find out what God needed me to do next. I honestly felt very sad and empty because writing has been a wonderful experience for me. It helped guide me and it gave me strength. It was kind of like getting a 'pep talk' from God each time these ideas came into my head. So I've been praying (as diligently as I could) for the guidance from God. What next??? And the answer was silence. No direction, no sign. At times, I felt very anxious about it because I felt this great sense of urgency just below the surface of my thoughts and yet I couldn’t get any clarification of what the urgent need was. It was like wheels spinning in the mud. This past week, I sat quietly in church after Mass and said, "I give up Lord. If you want me to do something big or even small, you will have to make it more clear to me. Remember who you are dealing with. It‘s me, the obtuse one." I left the church empty again. The next day, I remembered the prayer from Mother Angelica and prayed to my guardian angel "Please whisper in my ear what God needs me to do." Right before I was to receive Communion, it came to me "I need you to take care of Paul." I felt a quietness in my soul. I found a peace I had not been feeling. I worked hard to keep my tears back as I walked up to receive Jesus. I found myself really, really feeling like I was walking right towards His loving gaze as I came closer to the priest. When I got back to my pew, I asked what He meant. Then the realization came to me. I had not only fallen off in my discipline of prayerfulness and going to Mass often, I had fallen off in my spiritual care of Paul. Here is how it happened.
I got to meet Jose (who I wrote about in my last posting) at our grandson's Baptism. He is back in Washington and he came to Jon and Marie's. At the church, he came up to me and introduced himself and as I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I can't explain. Maybe Jesus looking back at me? I was so taken with his gaze. He asked about Paul before anything else! This young man who has endured so much suffering and yet had a look of pure joy on his face. He amazed me as he spoke about how he is working to pull it all together and how he knows God will help him. But what struck me most was his interest in Paul as he made his troubles secondary. Later, as we were leaving to go back to Jon's house, I was telling Paul about Jose's love for God and the strength he showed and Paul's face softened into a very tender look and he turned around and walked back into the church. He walked up to Jose and asked if he was going to be coming to the house also. When we got to the house, Paul made it a point of watching for him so he could talk to Jose. Later, he told me he could not believe how awesome Jose was. After that, I could not get Jose out of my mind. I wanted to do so much for him, yet didn't know what else to do. I know that prayer is very powerful and I knew I would pray for him. But what else? I started to feel anxious about all the sorrow and sadness people have to endure in this world. Over the next few days, then weeks, I felt an urgency to go out and do something big in this world to help people. That is when I started to feel so dry and empty too. How could I help this world? Which direction should I head in? I then felt some despair as I realized that I have a very demanding job and I need to keep working to help with Paul’s medical needs. How could I do anything big since I was tied down to this demanding job I go to everyday? When did I have time to go out into the world, much like Blessed Teresa? Okay, I will confess, I had also started to read the book about this saint’s life and even though she felt no love or consolation from God, she continued on with a supernatural faith. I was so amazed at how she walked out into the slums and began her ministry. It made me want to do the same thing! I met Jose and he and his family has been suffering so much. There are so many people I have heard about that are suffering so much more than we ever have. I am also very cognizant of all the neglect and absence of love in this world. I found my heart yelling out to God "WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU LORD?" Where do I start - just lead me on Lord! I thought about the blog and I told myself that I had nothing more to say. I wanted to get my hands into something - I wanted my hands to look like Blessed Teresa's when I died!
With all of this going on in my mind, I entered the desert. I could not stay focused on anything when I prayed to be told where to go and what to do. There are so many directions one could go - the homeless, the abused, the neglected elderly, the lonely - I get many mailings from organizations who plead for help. Again Lord, which way do you want me to go?
Silence was my answer. I prayed anyway, even though I felt so empty and confused. If Blessed Teresa could go on for 50+ years, I would try hard to wait to hear what God’s plans were for me. My prayers seemed flat - I could hardly get any emotion into them. They were just very repetitive. After weeks of this, I got that message to take care of Paul.
I looked at our situation closely and wondered what else I could do. I thought about how God certainly spared Paul’s life and it occurred to me that He must really have a purpose for him. But we needed to work harder at moving him forward. I realized we had become a lot more lax in our attempts to act on a number of fronts concerning his recovery. Paul had also fallen into a worse state cognitively. He seemed very lethargic, and his memory was worse than ever. Jon and I pretty much felt that he had come as far as he was going to and that we would just take care of his needs for life. So with the renewed message of ‘take care of Paul’, I asked God to show me the way. We had talked about getting him more active, so I had Paul call a new gym right down from our neighborhood. It is very small and it is not going to attract the very fit and young. (My kind of place!) Paul liked that it was more quiet and not crowded. So we all joined.
After a number of delays in getting Paul registered for college, I called him on Wednesday and found out he was not going to have to work. I immediately told him to be registered by noon and I would be home to follow up. He seemed irritated at my new attitude of urgency, but I told him to trust me - God had plans for him and I was to help make it happen. When I got there, Paul was underway, but had a couple of things he was not sure about. He needed to pick another degree program. After some conversation, he chose General Business. I told him he could always change but to just get registered.
As we did that, we learned the cut off date was February 1st ! I told Paul that God had spoken to me just in time! I told him that I would be working really hard with him again and that it was not meant to frustrate him. God needed him to accomplish some task while he is on earth and my new job from God was to help prepare the way for Paul.
I have joyfully taken on this seemingly simple job and have been so happy about it. At first, I was incredibly disappointed it wasn’t something on a larger scale or ‘more important’. Then I remembered what St. Therese said. When she told her older sister, (who was also a nun) that she wanted to do something really great in the world, her sister had her fill a large pitcher with water and also a thimble. Then her sister asked St. Therese - “which one is more full?” I had forgotten that important message along the way these past few months. Each of us has a mission. God decides the magnitude and reason. As I was trying to ramrod my way into some great accomplishment, I was doing it for my greater glory. I had to finally own up to it. In my defense (which is Paul’s favorite line, used about every day……..smile) who wouldn’t want to be as awesome as Blessed Teresa? I want to do something that will help me get to heaven too!!
I am the thimble. Thanks be to God for allowing me to be even that much! I will be content with being a spiritual warrior, a ‘giant’ of prayerfulness right now and will keep my eyes open for the path God needs me to lead Paul and my other sons. These young men are my gifts and I have been given the duty to pray them home. People who enter my pathway are my gifts. I have been given the duty to pray them home.
So this morning, I got up and decided to get a blog written because I felt a new found urgency to write. I got it after I said good night to Paul and blessed him and then said I didn’t have to go into work until later, so maybe I could take him to the 9:00 AM Mass. He smiled back at me and said, “That would be great. It is First Friday you know.” I spun around and said, “NO, I DIDN”T remember, but YOU DID!” By golly Paul, God does need me to keep helping you with the same urgency I had to go out into the world and make things happen.
We went to Mass and I sat in joyful conversation with Jesus once again. I told Him I would be most joyful to feed His sheep as they were brought to me. I would let Jesus decide all of that. The response I received from Jesus came immediately after. Fr. Paddy was not feeling well and he called me up to the altar. I had seen another Eucharistic Minister go up to the altar already, so I was not sure why I was being called up. Fr. Paddy handed me the ciborium containing the Body of Christ. He needed me to give Jesus to the people, as he was not well. I became a Eucharistic Minister years ago so that I could take it to the nursing homes. My father had not been able to receive Communion very often in his final days and that is what lead me to that ministry. Out of all the people who were at Mass, Fr. Paddy looked up and called out to me. I really believe it was Jesus who called out to me to let me know He is guiding me and He will bring the people He intends into my pathway. I don’t have to go out into the world very far I guess. Thanks be to God for His love for us children.
I will write this weekend about some of the new and improved things Paul is starting to do. He must have had to ’shut down his engine so some work could be done’, because he is really going at it again. Apparently, both our engines were down this last month!
He had one set back last Tuesday night. He walked into the darkened bedroom and he tripped over Abby and fell face first into the nightstand. There are nightlights all over the place, but she was not in a lighted area. We raced to the ER at 11:00 PM and left at 3:30 AM after not being called. We were all so fatigued and I was almost certain he was alright. He was very coherent and the only pain was in his cheek and to the right of his eye (the right one, praise be to God!). I would call the neurosurgeon in the morning and if we were going to have to go to Charlotte, we needed some sleep and that is why we left. He was not required to go, and we had our own doctor get an xray of Paul’s face. There was nothing broken and Paul did not suffer an increase in headaches, so he is going to be alright. He has a black eye, which depressed him a good bit. He said to us, “Great, now I am a total freak instead of half a freak”. He finally let us know how his facial paralysis makes him feel. We were happy to hear him voice this. It was in the days following this that I got the message to ’Take care of Paul.” You can bet we are watching him like a hawk!
May the Sacred Heart of Jesus surround you with love and protection on this First Friday.
I pray you are all well and will keep you in my prayers.
Listen closely for Him to speak. I am sure He has a message for you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Around the time of my last posting......................many weeks ago...........I made an unexpected detour into the desert. I felt 'bone dry' and could not seem to make my way back out. My disciplines had gone by the way side, my thoughts wandered away from prayer so easily and I found myself really struggling to find some sign that Jesus was still with me. I sat at my computer many mornings asking God to help me write something and nothing came to mind. I experienced either a huge void or I could not keep my thoughts from heading off in tangents without my being able to corral them. It was exactly like the having 'pop ups' that show up on your computer as you try to get to the site you really want. I came to the conclusion it was time to find out what God needed me to do next. I honestly felt very sad and empty because writing has been a wonderful experience for me. It helped guide me and it gave me strength. It was kind of like getting a 'pep talk' from God each time these ideas came into my head. So I've been praying (as diligently as I could) for the guidance from God. What next??? And the answer was silence. No direction, no sign. At times, I felt very anxious about it because I felt this great sense of urgency just below the surface of my thoughts and yet I couldn’t get any clarification of what the urgent need was. It was like wheels spinning in the mud. This past week, I sat quietly in church after Mass and said, "I give up Lord. If you want me to do something big or even small, you will have to make it more clear to me. Remember who you are dealing with. It‘s me, the obtuse one." I left the church empty again. The next day, I remembered the prayer from Mother Angelica and prayed to my guardian angel "Please whisper in my ear what God needs me to do." Right before I was to receive Communion, it came to me "I need you to take care of Paul." I felt a quietness in my soul. I found a peace I had not been feeling. I worked hard to keep my tears back as I walked up to receive Jesus. I found myself really, really feeling like I was walking right towards His loving gaze as I came closer to the priest. When I got back to my pew, I asked what He meant. Then the realization came to me. I had not only fallen off in my discipline of prayerfulness and going to Mass often, I had fallen off in my spiritual care of Paul. Here is how it happened.
I got to meet Jose (who I wrote about in my last posting) at our grandson's Baptism. He is back in Washington and he came to Jon and Marie's. At the church, he came up to me and introduced himself and as I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I can't explain. Maybe Jesus looking back at me? I was so taken with his gaze. He asked about Paul before anything else! This young man who has endured so much suffering and yet had a look of pure joy on his face. He amazed me as he spoke about how he is working to pull it all together and how he knows God will help him. But what struck me most was his interest in Paul as he made his troubles secondary. Later, as we were leaving to go back to Jon's house, I was telling Paul about Jose's love for God and the strength he showed and Paul's face softened into a very tender look and he turned around and walked back into the church. He walked up to Jose and asked if he was going to be coming to the house also. When we got to the house, Paul made it a point of watching for him so he could talk to Jose. Later, he told me he could not believe how awesome Jose was. After that, I could not get Jose out of my mind. I wanted to do so much for him, yet didn't know what else to do. I know that prayer is very powerful and I knew I would pray for him. But what else? I started to feel anxious about all the sorrow and sadness people have to endure in this world. Over the next few days, then weeks, I felt an urgency to go out and do something big in this world to help people. That is when I started to feel so dry and empty too. How could I help this world? Which direction should I head in? I then felt some despair as I realized that I have a very demanding job and I need to keep working to help with Paul’s medical needs. How could I do anything big since I was tied down to this demanding job I go to everyday? When did I have time to go out into the world, much like Blessed Teresa? Okay, I will confess, I had also started to read the book about this saint’s life and even though she felt no love or consolation from God, she continued on with a supernatural faith. I was so amazed at how she walked out into the slums and began her ministry. It made me want to do the same thing! I met Jose and he and his family has been suffering so much. There are so many people I have heard about that are suffering so much more than we ever have. I am also very cognizant of all the neglect and absence of love in this world. I found my heart yelling out to God "WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU LORD?" Where do I start - just lead me on Lord! I thought about the blog and I told myself that I had nothing more to say. I wanted to get my hands into something - I wanted my hands to look like Blessed Teresa's when I died!
With all of this going on in my mind, I entered the desert. I could not stay focused on anything when I prayed to be told where to go and what to do. There are so many directions one could go - the homeless, the abused, the neglected elderly, the lonely - I get many mailings from organizations who plead for help. Again Lord, which way do you want me to go?
Silence was my answer. I prayed anyway, even though I felt so empty and confused. If Blessed Teresa could go on for 50+ years, I would try hard to wait to hear what God’s plans were for me. My prayers seemed flat - I could hardly get any emotion into them. They were just very repetitive. After weeks of this, I got that message to take care of Paul.
I looked at our situation closely and wondered what else I could do. I thought about how God certainly spared Paul’s life and it occurred to me that He must really have a purpose for him. But we needed to work harder at moving him forward. I realized we had become a lot more lax in our attempts to act on a number of fronts concerning his recovery. Paul had also fallen into a worse state cognitively. He seemed very lethargic, and his memory was worse than ever. Jon and I pretty much felt that he had come as far as he was going to and that we would just take care of his needs for life. So with the renewed message of ‘take care of Paul’, I asked God to show me the way. We had talked about getting him more active, so I had Paul call a new gym right down from our neighborhood. It is very small and it is not going to attract the very fit and young. (My kind of place!) Paul liked that it was more quiet and not crowded. So we all joined.
After a number of delays in getting Paul registered for college, I called him on Wednesday and found out he was not going to have to work. I immediately told him to be registered by noon and I would be home to follow up. He seemed irritated at my new attitude of urgency, but I told him to trust me - God had plans for him and I was to help make it happen. When I got there, Paul was underway, but had a couple of things he was not sure about. He needed to pick another degree program. After some conversation, he chose General Business. I told him he could always change but to just get registered.
As we did that, we learned the cut off date was February 1st ! I told Paul that God had spoken to me just in time! I told him that I would be working really hard with him again and that it was not meant to frustrate him. God needed him to accomplish some task while he is on earth and my new job from God was to help prepare the way for Paul.
I have joyfully taken on this seemingly simple job and have been so happy about it. At first, I was incredibly disappointed it wasn’t something on a larger scale or ‘more important’. Then I remembered what St. Therese said. When she told her older sister, (who was also a nun) that she wanted to do something really great in the world, her sister had her fill a large pitcher with water and also a thimble. Then her sister asked St. Therese - “which one is more full?” I had forgotten that important message along the way these past few months. Each of us has a mission. God decides the magnitude and reason. As I was trying to ramrod my way into some great accomplishment, I was doing it for my greater glory. I had to finally own up to it. In my defense (which is Paul’s favorite line, used about every day……..smile) who wouldn’t want to be as awesome as Blessed Teresa? I want to do something that will help me get to heaven too!!
I am the thimble. Thanks be to God for allowing me to be even that much! I will be content with being a spiritual warrior, a ‘giant’ of prayerfulness right now and will keep my eyes open for the path God needs me to lead Paul and my other sons. These young men are my gifts and I have been given the duty to pray them home. People who enter my pathway are my gifts. I have been given the duty to pray them home.
So this morning, I got up and decided to get a blog written because I felt a new found urgency to write. I got it after I said good night to Paul and blessed him and then said I didn’t have to go into work until later, so maybe I could take him to the 9:00 AM Mass. He smiled back at me and said, “That would be great. It is First Friday you know.” I spun around and said, “NO, I DIDN”T remember, but YOU DID!” By golly Paul, God does need me to keep helping you with the same urgency I had to go out into the world and make things happen.
We went to Mass and I sat in joyful conversation with Jesus once again. I told Him I would be most joyful to feed His sheep as they were brought to me. I would let Jesus decide all of that. The response I received from Jesus came immediately after. Fr. Paddy was not feeling well and he called me up to the altar. I had seen another Eucharistic Minister go up to the altar already, so I was not sure why I was being called up. Fr. Paddy handed me the ciborium containing the Body of Christ. He needed me to give Jesus to the people, as he was not well. I became a Eucharistic Minister years ago so that I could take it to the nursing homes. My father had not been able to receive Communion very often in his final days and that is what lead me to that ministry. Out of all the people who were at Mass, Fr. Paddy looked up and called out to me. I really believe it was Jesus who called out to me to let me know He is guiding me and He will bring the people He intends into my pathway. I don’t have to go out into the world very far I guess. Thanks be to God for His love for us children.
I will write this weekend about some of the new and improved things Paul is starting to do. He must have had to ’shut down his engine so some work could be done’, because he is really going at it again. Apparently, both our engines were down this last month!
He had one set back last Tuesday night. He walked into the darkened bedroom and he tripped over Abby and fell face first into the nightstand. There are nightlights all over the place, but she was not in a lighted area. We raced to the ER at 11:00 PM and left at 3:30 AM after not being called. We were all so fatigued and I was almost certain he was alright. He was very coherent and the only pain was in his cheek and to the right of his eye (the right one, praise be to God!). I would call the neurosurgeon in the morning and if we were going to have to go to Charlotte, we needed some sleep and that is why we left. He was not required to go, and we had our own doctor get an xray of Paul’s face. There was nothing broken and Paul did not suffer an increase in headaches, so he is going to be alright. He has a black eye, which depressed him a good bit. He said to us, “Great, now I am a total freak instead of half a freak”. He finally let us know how his facial paralysis makes him feel. We were happy to hear him voice this. It was in the days following this that I got the message to ’Take care of Paul.” You can bet we are watching him like a hawk!
May the Sacred Heart of Jesus surround you with love and protection on this First Friday.
I pray you are all well and will keep you in my prayers.
Listen closely for Him to speak. I am sure He has a message for you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Friday, January 04, 2008
Our Blog - Serving a Purpose
Jose (far left) with our sons
Mike and Jon, along with
friends from Ave Maria U
(1/2007)
2005/06 Graduates of Ave Maria U
who have remained close friends
(Jose is sitting on couch - picture
taken Fall 2007)
Jose and his family at
his graduation from
Ave Maria University, 2005
I received a message from Marie about a young man named Jose Urquilla. He went to school with Jon and Marie and is in grad school. He is a truly wonderful young man and he needs the help of anyone who is able, both monetarily and prayerfully. I am going to just copy and paste the string of emails so that you will know his whole story.
I had recently been talking to Jon about maybe bringing the blog to an end, since it has been 2 years and maybe it had run its course. I believe that this blog got started because God had a message of love to share. Ours became a miraculous story and there are many people who were meant to see His signs of love and to see the power of prayer. As to how many, that was for God to decide. Throughout these past 2 years, I also have prayed that God would give me a sign when it was time to move on to other things He needed accomplished. Then I got this story of a very sad situation and I knew that this blog might still serve a purpose. I have to send out a plea for help for another brother in Christ who I know lifted up our family in prayer in our time of need. I don't know how many people are still reading this blog, but I hope God kept enough on board so that another one of His missions will be accomplished. We can let His love come through us in action and prayer.
May God's will be done. Love, Rebecca
rafidero@bellsouth.net
johnnyfid@hotmail.com
___________________________
Dear Rebecca,
Did you ever meet our friend Jose? We have known him for about 6 years. Jose is from El Salvadore. His brother, Victor, 19 yrs old, was murdered last year, and as a result of the stress, his mom spent a while in the hospital with heart problems. Over the last two months, Jose's dad has been in the hospital pretty much non-stop, with heart problems, and just passed away last week. This leaves Jose, his mom and sister, Claudia, who just graduated from High School, in a complete state of grief. Jose graduated with Jon, and works for Brownbecks office here in DC. He is also a full time grad student at CUA. He was sick for a while this year as well, and has had to struggle so much! I wonder if you would post the email from his roommates on the blog? It does ask for money, but mostly it asks for prayers and love. We are trying to set up a paypal account for him, so that he might be able to access the money while he is home. Jose is now financially responsible for his family, and that is a burden that he is in no way prepared to handle. I am going to copy the email from Jose, from his last visit home, and also the one his roommates sent out. If you feel that it is ok to post these, or even just snippets of them, then you can just copy them from my email.
Marie
_______________________________
Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,
I am back from my trip and yes, I am still legal :-). Again, I want to thank you and everyone else I have forgotten in this email for making my trip possible. My family and I are extremely thankful. My dad was doing a little better but unfortunately learned from the doctor that he needs to have a 3rd surgery in a couple of weeks because the test results were not good. This was a different doctor from the one that operated him the first two times and it seems as if the other doctor did not do the best job. Unlike the US, we cannot do anything about it but cover again those costs. Of course, what we want is my dad to be healthy. Also, it was a little bit sad to be at home these days because it was a year yesterday that my brother was shot and my mom has just been under a lot of stress remembering a lot of things. It was difficult to leave home but school and work responsibilities called me back here.
I will have to go back home in a few weeks, however because my mom needs help with a lot of things she has neglected for the past few weeks and also because with all of this another issue came up. We had to get a loan from the bank to pay for my dad's hospital bills. The bank were giving us a hard time about it but then said they'd give it with one caveat: they don't want to give me the loans for school for next semester (in El Salvador, there is no such a thing as a student loan because the government doesn't want their citizens to get educated, you need to get a private loan, in my case with an 18% interest rate. I can't get a loan in the US because I am not a US citizen.) This is insane because if I don't get the loan, I don't go to school and if I don't go to school, I can't remain in the US which would make it extremely hard for me to pay the loans because I would have not graduated and salaries at home are like $200/month! Therefore, I will have to go back home and meet with some sort of board at the bank and pretty much explain them my situation that this is my last semester in school, that my grandma's property is the collateral, etc. The best I can hope for is they will say they will release the funds at higher interest rate. As you can imagine, time at home was crazy and short and now I have finals and papers due so it will be a little insane. Even though God calls us to not worry about the material things sometimes we succumb to temptation and the stress of having to get another ticket and everything at home will make focusing in my school work very difficult. This next couple of weeks will be crazy so I REALLY ask for your prayers.
I hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving. Again, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have such a great family here in the US.
In Him,
Jose
____________________________________________________
This next email is one that was sent to his household brothers, and then on to us: (December, 2007)
Brothers and Sisters,We have a brother in a lot of distress right now. Jose's father passed away on Monday night. He died of a heart attack after spending a month and a half in the hospital. Jose flew home to El Salvador Tuesday morning. Please pray for Jose and his family.Jose has always had financial needs, but now they are very pressing. He is responsible for providing the money for his father's hospital bills. When he applied for a loan to cover them, the private lender he has been borrowing from to go to grad school said that he would not be able to also get a loan to cover his grad school expenses next semester. Which is how he stays in the United States, on a student visa. He must also pay the funeral expenses. And the cost of flying home. His family's needs that have gone unmet while his Dad was in the hospital. And now he is left as the only one to support his mother and younger sister.We are all members of one body. Now we have an opportunity to help bear some of Jose's burdens, in love. Daniel Son and I are coordinating the efforst to ease Jose's financial burden. We cannot bring his father back, but we can help bear this burden on this shoulders.As Jose's roommate, I think it is very important that we do this anonymously. I've gotten the impression, based on times that I have given him money in the past, that he feels like he is imposing on his friends when he has to ask for money. I believe we can most bless Jose by giving him the money anonymously, letting him know that his brothers and sisters are caring for and support him without knowing who it came from or how much he owes to any individual person. Danielson got Jose's bank account information from him before he left, and we can deposit checks made out to him in it without him ever knowing who it came from. Anyone who wants to give Jose and his family money can write a check to him and get it to either of us, or mail it to one of us as the Jonathan House (320 East Capitol St NE, Washington, DC 20003).Rather than just having money appear in his bank account, we should also write him cards and letters expressing our love and support. It would bless him if he came back to D.C. to know and feel the love of his brothers and sisters. Like any financial contributions, just get letters and cards to Danielson or myself, or mail them to the JHouse, and I'll put them on his dresser for when he returns. If anyone has the contact information for any of Jose's friends from grad school, Ave Maria, Brownback's office, Witherspoon, or anyone else who would like to help, please forward this message to them.Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
James Sherk and Daniel Son
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
We spent 8 blessed days with our family at Jon and Marie’s house, along with the most beautiful gift of all…………….baby Jon. He was born a week before Christmas and we had to wait 4 days before we could hold him. What joy it was, holding our first grandson. What joy it was watching Jon and Marie become such loving parents. I felt so blessed being in their home, watching their tender ways with each other and their son. Christmas morning will be one that I know I will remember for the rest of my life. We attended midnight Mass and as I sat with my family, dwelling on the most beautiful gift of the Infant Jesus, I could not hold onto all that joy. I could not stop thanking God for His Son and my many blessings! Yes, my joy came upon a midnight clear.
In the morning, we waited until Marie and baby Jon were all settled in the living room. It was a sunny, crisp morning and the room was bright with the sunlight. Jon read the morning prayers from the Liturgy of the Hours. I was filled with complete peace as I listened to my son read the prayers, while I gazed upon each person in that room and thanked God for this blessed morning. In the future, I plan on reflecting back on that moment of serenity when I need a ‘Calgon moment’ in my day. I will just close my eyes and will relive the sound of my son’s voice as he brought the Good News of the birth of Christ into that room and into our hearts. Thank God for memories.
Our sons spent their time quite leisurely and it was a lot of fun for me to be cooking and listening to their voices and laughter throughout the house. I have always loved being a mother and wife – lots of satisfaction has been derived from that. I hope it was as much fun for them as it was for me taking care of everyone in that home!
One thing I noticed during that time was how Paul seemed to be more withdrawn than usual. He participated with his brothers when they played cards or games, but we noticed he really didn’t sit in on conversations. He seemed to want to sit off by himself or stay in his room while using his laptop. I was worried about it and I asked him if he was okay. He said he was not feeling well and just didn’t feel like doing much. On the day that the guys planned to go to Washington, D.C. Paul said his stomach hurt. I really didn’t want him to miss out on the opportunity for him to be with his brothers and dad, so I asked him to eat a little bit of yogurt to calm his stomach and to please try to go. Jon said that Paul did ask to be taken back home 10 minutes into the trip, but they encouraged him to keep trying to make it. As it turned out, he had a good day and didn’t mention his stomach ache again. We kept a closer watch on him to make sure that something wasn’t going wrong with the shunt. The day we left, he was feeling fine and was happy to be going home. Jon and I talked about it after we got home and we came to the conclusion that Paul has a definite comfort zone and while he can handle any activity planned for the day, he does better emotionally being in his own home and in familiar routines. He does not seem ready to handle long absences from home. I also noticed was that Abby seemed as out of sorts as Paul. She would not leave his side. When they were gone on their day trip, Abby stayed right by my side. I could tell she was not a happy camper. It is not the first time that her behavior is a barometer for how Paul is feeling!
During the second evening we were home, I could not sleep because I was worried about how poorly Paul had done on this trip. I was more sad than worried. Of course, everything seems so exaggerated late at night and I had worked up quite a bit of concern and sadness about Paul. I stressed about how he seemed to regress in the past month and how weird it was that he could not handle being away from home, even though he was with his own family. I felt kind of panicked about what else we could do for him to help move him forward. He seemed so forgetful in the weeks before Christmas and was so lethargic while we were at Jon and Marie’s. He was excited about the baby, but seemed so withdrawn most days. So there I was, late at night, dwelling on all that Paul is missing and how inadequate a job I felt I was doing in helping him regain more of his life. As I was getting more restless by the moment, I finally got up and went downstairs to sit in front of the Blessed Mother. I let the tears flow and prayed for help. I started to realize that some of this exaggerated feeling was a product of complete fatigue after all the activity of the vacation, mixed in with feeling sad about having to leave our children and grandson. So I sat for awhile in the darkness and talked to Mary, mother to mother. I have worries about each one of my children and spoke to her about them individually. It was about midnight and the thought came to me, “Live in the NOW, it is all you have. Pray for God to protect them and then let go of your worries.” I smiled and remembered that I had had that message before and there is real comfort in that. Jesus is in the NOW. Not the future or past. If I stayed with Him in each moment, I would have peace. He knows every one of our needs before we even ask. I thanked Mary and Jesus for helping me one more time! I felt just how tired I was and was actually reluctant to go back to bed. I didn’t want this moment to end. I went on to think about how glorious it will be, if I am graced with a place in heaven, to spend eternity with Jesus, Mary and the saints and angels. I already know how much joy I feel when I receive Jesus in Communion – I can’t even believe how much more amazing it will be to be in His presence in heaven! I laughed at how God must have wanted my attention and how He got me downstairs for this quiet time. He is listening to us always, but we need to take time to hear His words. I was gently reminded of this though Mary in the quiet of the night – yes, it came upon a midnight clear. How I love this faith that has been handed down through the centuries, which leads me along God’s pathway. Speak Lord, your servant listens.
I talked to Jon the next morning about all the things I had running through my mind about Paul. It came to us in our discussion that we needed to listen to what Paul was thinking about his life. We decided to sit down with him, in a quiet setting and let him tell us his thoughts. We needed to take time to help him voice all that is going on in HIS mind. And he did just that. He told us about how he felt when he saw little Jon Augustine and that it reminded him how much he hoped he would be able to have a family some day. He does think about all that is missing in his life, but is actually not hugely sad. He is more frustrated at the inability to decide what he wants to do in school. What degree program should he choose? What course should he follow? He said it is just a blank for him. After we talked for awhile, I mentioned how much the young kids he has been in contact with, all seem to love to be around him. He is so at ease with them. He loves teaching guitar. I mentioned that maybe he should look at an education degree. He could teach guitar on his own, but could be a teacher at a school. Maybe a private school , so that he could share his faith. He actually perked up and we discussed it for awhile. We will help him research what he will need to take and we decided that we will choose one class and will go through the text book with him and prepare him to take the class in the next semester. He liked that idea. We told him that we had been remiss in helping him more in the weeks leading into our Christmas vacation and that we were back on track with him. He also asked that we get the plastic surgery done on his eye lid so that it will look more even with the other side. It really bothers him. He also really wants to be able to drive again. He was really sad about no progress with that. It would mean a lot to him and would help him feel like he was getting some of his life back. With the new year, it looks like we have some goals to attain. We have our point and purpose. I reminded Paul that a strong prayer life should remain a daily thing and he said “I know that one. I say prayers all throughout the day. When I look at my watch, I see my rosary (it’s a wrist rosary that Fr. Paddy had made) and it reminds me to say some Hail Mary’s.” We plan on having a weekly meeting like the one we had with Paul. Speak Paul, your parents listen!
I was reading my prayer book this morning and felt very happy when I read that midway through 2008, the Church will begin her celebration of the Year of St. Paul. My heart is full of the joy and anticipation of what we might be able to accomplish this year with our Paul. We will ask St. Paul to keep a prayer vigil going with us.
“As night falls, let us confidently entrust to God the burdens of the day – our hopes and fears, our achievements and failures, our good deeds and our sins – and rest in the stronghold of His unfailing love.”
God bless you all in this year of 2008. Just as Jesus needed to retire to quiet places and pray, may you be blessed with many ‘pockets of peace’ where you can deepen your relationship with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, through the loving intercession of our Blessed Mother Mary.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
In the morning, we waited until Marie and baby Jon were all settled in the living room. It was a sunny, crisp morning and the room was bright with the sunlight. Jon read the morning prayers from the Liturgy of the Hours. I was filled with complete peace as I listened to my son read the prayers, while I gazed upon each person in that room and thanked God for this blessed morning. In the future, I plan on reflecting back on that moment of serenity when I need a ‘Calgon moment’ in my day. I will just close my eyes and will relive the sound of my son’s voice as he brought the Good News of the birth of Christ into that room and into our hearts. Thank God for memories.
Our sons spent their time quite leisurely and it was a lot of fun for me to be cooking and listening to their voices and laughter throughout the house. I have always loved being a mother and wife – lots of satisfaction has been derived from that. I hope it was as much fun for them as it was for me taking care of everyone in that home!
One thing I noticed during that time was how Paul seemed to be more withdrawn than usual. He participated with his brothers when they played cards or games, but we noticed he really didn’t sit in on conversations. He seemed to want to sit off by himself or stay in his room while using his laptop. I was worried about it and I asked him if he was okay. He said he was not feeling well and just didn’t feel like doing much. On the day that the guys planned to go to Washington, D.C. Paul said his stomach hurt. I really didn’t want him to miss out on the opportunity for him to be with his brothers and dad, so I asked him to eat a little bit of yogurt to calm his stomach and to please try to go. Jon said that Paul did ask to be taken back home 10 minutes into the trip, but they encouraged him to keep trying to make it. As it turned out, he had a good day and didn’t mention his stomach ache again. We kept a closer watch on him to make sure that something wasn’t going wrong with the shunt. The day we left, he was feeling fine and was happy to be going home. Jon and I talked about it after we got home and we came to the conclusion that Paul has a definite comfort zone and while he can handle any activity planned for the day, he does better emotionally being in his own home and in familiar routines. He does not seem ready to handle long absences from home. I also noticed was that Abby seemed as out of sorts as Paul. She would not leave his side. When they were gone on their day trip, Abby stayed right by my side. I could tell she was not a happy camper. It is not the first time that her behavior is a barometer for how Paul is feeling!
During the second evening we were home, I could not sleep because I was worried about how poorly Paul had done on this trip. I was more sad than worried. Of course, everything seems so exaggerated late at night and I had worked up quite a bit of concern and sadness about Paul. I stressed about how he seemed to regress in the past month and how weird it was that he could not handle being away from home, even though he was with his own family. I felt kind of panicked about what else we could do for him to help move him forward. He seemed so forgetful in the weeks before Christmas and was so lethargic while we were at Jon and Marie’s. He was excited about the baby, but seemed so withdrawn most days. So there I was, late at night, dwelling on all that Paul is missing and how inadequate a job I felt I was doing in helping him regain more of his life. As I was getting more restless by the moment, I finally got up and went downstairs to sit in front of the Blessed Mother. I let the tears flow and prayed for help. I started to realize that some of this exaggerated feeling was a product of complete fatigue after all the activity of the vacation, mixed in with feeling sad about having to leave our children and grandson. So I sat for awhile in the darkness and talked to Mary, mother to mother. I have worries about each one of my children and spoke to her about them individually. It was about midnight and the thought came to me, “Live in the NOW, it is all you have. Pray for God to protect them and then let go of your worries.” I smiled and remembered that I had had that message before and there is real comfort in that. Jesus is in the NOW. Not the future or past. If I stayed with Him in each moment, I would have peace. He knows every one of our needs before we even ask. I thanked Mary and Jesus for helping me one more time! I felt just how tired I was and was actually reluctant to go back to bed. I didn’t want this moment to end. I went on to think about how glorious it will be, if I am graced with a place in heaven, to spend eternity with Jesus, Mary and the saints and angels. I already know how much joy I feel when I receive Jesus in Communion – I can’t even believe how much more amazing it will be to be in His presence in heaven! I laughed at how God must have wanted my attention and how He got me downstairs for this quiet time. He is listening to us always, but we need to take time to hear His words. I was gently reminded of this though Mary in the quiet of the night – yes, it came upon a midnight clear. How I love this faith that has been handed down through the centuries, which leads me along God’s pathway. Speak Lord, your servant listens.
I talked to Jon the next morning about all the things I had running through my mind about Paul. It came to us in our discussion that we needed to listen to what Paul was thinking about his life. We decided to sit down with him, in a quiet setting and let him tell us his thoughts. We needed to take time to help him voice all that is going on in HIS mind. And he did just that. He told us about how he felt when he saw little Jon Augustine and that it reminded him how much he hoped he would be able to have a family some day. He does think about all that is missing in his life, but is actually not hugely sad. He is more frustrated at the inability to decide what he wants to do in school. What degree program should he choose? What course should he follow? He said it is just a blank for him. After we talked for awhile, I mentioned how much the young kids he has been in contact with, all seem to love to be around him. He is so at ease with them. He loves teaching guitar. I mentioned that maybe he should look at an education degree. He could teach guitar on his own, but could be a teacher at a school. Maybe a private school , so that he could share his faith. He actually perked up and we discussed it for awhile. We will help him research what he will need to take and we decided that we will choose one class and will go through the text book with him and prepare him to take the class in the next semester. He liked that idea. We told him that we had been remiss in helping him more in the weeks leading into our Christmas vacation and that we were back on track with him. He also asked that we get the plastic surgery done on his eye lid so that it will look more even with the other side. It really bothers him. He also really wants to be able to drive again. He was really sad about no progress with that. It would mean a lot to him and would help him feel like he was getting some of his life back. With the new year, it looks like we have some goals to attain. We have our point and purpose. I reminded Paul that a strong prayer life should remain a daily thing and he said “I know that one. I say prayers all throughout the day. When I look at my watch, I see my rosary (it’s a wrist rosary that Fr. Paddy had made) and it reminds me to say some Hail Mary’s.” We plan on having a weekly meeting like the one we had with Paul. Speak Paul, your parents listen!
I was reading my prayer book this morning and felt very happy when I read that midway through 2008, the Church will begin her celebration of the Year of St. Paul. My heart is full of the joy and anticipation of what we might be able to accomplish this year with our Paul. We will ask St. Paul to keep a prayer vigil going with us.
“As night falls, let us confidently entrust to God the burdens of the day – our hopes and fears, our achievements and failures, our good deeds and our sins – and rest in the stronghold of His unfailing love.”
God bless you all in this year of 2008. Just as Jesus needed to retire to quiet places and pray, may you be blessed with many ‘pockets of peace’ where you can deepen your relationship with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, through the loving intercession of our Blessed Mother Mary.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Monday, December 31, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Hope Till We See His Face
On Monday night the phone rang at 11:35 PM. Like most people, a late night phone call strikes fear into the heart. I picked up my cell phone and immediately my heart filled with joy instead. It was our son, Jon. I knew instantly why he was calling. And I was right. Our grandchild was on the way. He told me that, hopefully, we would be grandparents by morning. Marie had been in labor for quite awhile and they wanted to make sure it was the real thing before calling everyone. He asked us to pray for them and then the waiting began.
It was so late that I could not really call anyone to ask for prayers. I woke up James and Michael and asked them to please say a rosary for Marie and the baby. Paul was staying at Jerry's, so I called him. I knew he would be awake since he still has trouble falling asleep at night. He was awake and said he would start his rosary prayers right away. I called my sister Mary Beth and left a voice mail on her cell phone to please pray when she got the message. I thought she might still be up. Then Jon and I sat in our room, with only the moon bringing light through the windows and we said our rosary. I noted it was 11:55, and said happily, "Oh good, the Joyous Mysteries!".
We tried to sleep after that, but it was almost impossible. I had my rosary in my hand all night and my cell phone in the other! At 5 A.M. Jon took my cell phone and told me he would get it recharged........smile. He's a good man. He brought me my coffee and we sat talking for a little while about how tough it is to wait this out and how exciting it was. We went to the 6:30 A.M. Mass and I prayed with great fervency for the health and well being of the baby and strength for Marie. I had turned my cell phone ringer off, but left it sitting in the pew next to me so I would know if the baby was born while we were in Mass. It did not ring. The waiting continued. It struck me immediately during Mass that there was no better example for people to have about longing for Jesus, than what we were experiencing that morning. I asked God in that moment and I have asked Him numerous times since, to help me have an even greater longing for Christ. I dwelled on the thought about how I need to long for the sight of His face in everyone, to long for His words to bring truth in my life, to long for the love that is perfect. In this season of Advent, it is the gift we should all hope for. An even greater love for Jesus and the longing to know Him and serve Him. I completely forgot about the fact that I was waiting for my wonderful first grandchild and sat there, lost in conversation with God. I prayed fervently for this world to receive this gift of longing for the Christ Child and His love. By the time I received Communion, I was so joyous that I had a hard time keeping the tears wiped from my face. My life was so perfect in that moment of receivng the Body of Christ and realizing we are offered Christmas morning every single day. How precious the gift of Our Lord, Jesus. How tragic that the churches are not overflowing with people waiting to receive their daily bread, their gift from heaven. When I think about this perfect gift, given with perfect humility and love, why do I stay away? How do I let life keep me away? How do I let life get in the way? I am so easily preoccupied. Knowing full well my weakness, I have prayed with greater urgency in these past few days that I receive the best gift of all - the desire with my whole being to be more completely in love and union with Jesus.
By early morning, the extended family knew what the Fidero and Hennessy families were anxiously waiting to hear. The emails and phone calls were continuous. It was pretty tough having to wait until 1:00 PM to learn that a new baby boy had come into our lives. I stood outside on a sidewalk, crying as I got the news. I was with my sister Beverly and my friend Meredith Tarantino. We had met for lunch. I immediately called Jon and I could hardly stop crying. One reason was because I was not with him. I told him that it made me remember how we were not together when we learned the news Jon and Marie were expecting a child. Now we were again separated when we got this 'huge' news. Again, lots of phone calls as Beverly and I contacted everyone we could think of and whose phone numbers we had. I had to go back to work and when I got there, I told my supervisor that I honestly didn't think I would be able to get much done and promised that I would be careful to not make any mistakes! After work, all the boys, Jon, Matt Velker and I met at a restaurant and celebrated the birth of
"little Jon Fidero".
As always..........pictures will be posted later when I have time. This is the worst time of year for me at work, since everyone is out driving while preoccupied. Lots of accidents to handle and it is a crisis indeed for these people since most of them are heading to their families and friends in other towns. I have hardly had a moment to my name. We are also preparing to leave to visit Jon, Marie and Baby Jon. Paul is so excited since he will be the Godfather. He has talked alot about how he will be there to help his nephew learn all the stuff little boys need to know. I am sure he will share his love of Jesus with this baby boy too. The most perfect gift of all.
Hope when the sun is setting,
Hope through the dark of night;
Hope though the moon is waning,
Hope as we long for light.
Hope for the coming Savior,
Hope through the heart's slow race;
Hope for the kingdom's dawning,
Hope till we see His face!
At this time, I would like to ask a favor of everyone who is reading this. While we celebrate the birth of our grandson, there is a woman who has followed our story and who has asked for prayers for her granddaughter. The child's name is Cecelia and she is 19 months old. She has had to have a shunt put in, but it has not seemed to help. There are other complicating illnesses this baby girl is suffering from and I remember well how hard it is to watch a child suffer - so I know how difficult this has to be for this family. I ask that you bring the gift of your prayer for this child and family to the Baby Jesus. He will hear and answer them.
I know that all of you have very special intentions in your heart and so I want to say, that while I can't know them all, Jesus does. As we approach Christmas, I'll be praying that Jesus will look with great love and mercy on all your needs. I hope and pray that we all receive the gift of a more perfect love of the Child, Jesus, thereby turning our desire towards the gift of true life.
Glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
It was so late that I could not really call anyone to ask for prayers. I woke up James and Michael and asked them to please say a rosary for Marie and the baby. Paul was staying at Jerry's, so I called him. I knew he would be awake since he still has trouble falling asleep at night. He was awake and said he would start his rosary prayers right away. I called my sister Mary Beth and left a voice mail on her cell phone to please pray when she got the message. I thought she might still be up. Then Jon and I sat in our room, with only the moon bringing light through the windows and we said our rosary. I noted it was 11:55, and said happily, "Oh good, the Joyous Mysteries!".
We tried to sleep after that, but it was almost impossible. I had my rosary in my hand all night and my cell phone in the other! At 5 A.M. Jon took my cell phone and told me he would get it recharged........smile. He's a good man. He brought me my coffee and we sat talking for a little while about how tough it is to wait this out and how exciting it was. We went to the 6:30 A.M. Mass and I prayed with great fervency for the health and well being of the baby and strength for Marie. I had turned my cell phone ringer off, but left it sitting in the pew next to me so I would know if the baby was born while we were in Mass. It did not ring. The waiting continued. It struck me immediately during Mass that there was no better example for people to have about longing for Jesus, than what we were experiencing that morning. I asked God in that moment and I have asked Him numerous times since, to help me have an even greater longing for Christ. I dwelled on the thought about how I need to long for the sight of His face in everyone, to long for His words to bring truth in my life, to long for the love that is perfect. In this season of Advent, it is the gift we should all hope for. An even greater love for Jesus and the longing to know Him and serve Him. I completely forgot about the fact that I was waiting for my wonderful first grandchild and sat there, lost in conversation with God. I prayed fervently for this world to receive this gift of longing for the Christ Child and His love. By the time I received Communion, I was so joyous that I had a hard time keeping the tears wiped from my face. My life was so perfect in that moment of receivng the Body of Christ and realizing we are offered Christmas morning every single day. How precious the gift of Our Lord, Jesus. How tragic that the churches are not overflowing with people waiting to receive their daily bread, their gift from heaven. When I think about this perfect gift, given with perfect humility and love, why do I stay away? How do I let life keep me away? How do I let life get in the way? I am so easily preoccupied. Knowing full well my weakness, I have prayed with greater urgency in these past few days that I receive the best gift of all - the desire with my whole being to be more completely in love and union with Jesus.
By early morning, the extended family knew what the Fidero and Hennessy families were anxiously waiting to hear. The emails and phone calls were continuous. It was pretty tough having to wait until 1:00 PM to learn that a new baby boy had come into our lives. I stood outside on a sidewalk, crying as I got the news. I was with my sister Beverly and my friend Meredith Tarantino. We had met for lunch. I immediately called Jon and I could hardly stop crying. One reason was because I was not with him. I told him that it made me remember how we were not together when we learned the news Jon and Marie were expecting a child. Now we were again separated when we got this 'huge' news. Again, lots of phone calls as Beverly and I contacted everyone we could think of and whose phone numbers we had. I had to go back to work and when I got there, I told my supervisor that I honestly didn't think I would be able to get much done and promised that I would be careful to not make any mistakes! After work, all the boys, Jon, Matt Velker and I met at a restaurant and celebrated the birth of
"little Jon Fidero".
As always..........pictures will be posted later when I have time. This is the worst time of year for me at work, since everyone is out driving while preoccupied. Lots of accidents to handle and it is a crisis indeed for these people since most of them are heading to their families and friends in other towns. I have hardly had a moment to my name. We are also preparing to leave to visit Jon, Marie and Baby Jon. Paul is so excited since he will be the Godfather. He has talked alot about how he will be there to help his nephew learn all the stuff little boys need to know. I am sure he will share his love of Jesus with this baby boy too. The most perfect gift of all.
Hope when the sun is setting,
Hope through the dark of night;
Hope though the moon is waning,
Hope as we long for light.
Hope for the coming Savior,
Hope through the heart's slow race;
Hope for the kingdom's dawning,
Hope till we see His face!
At this time, I would like to ask a favor of everyone who is reading this. While we celebrate the birth of our grandson, there is a woman who has followed our story and who has asked for prayers for her granddaughter. The child's name is Cecelia and she is 19 months old. She has had to have a shunt put in, but it has not seemed to help. There are other complicating illnesses this baby girl is suffering from and I remember well how hard it is to watch a child suffer - so I know how difficult this has to be for this family. I ask that you bring the gift of your prayer for this child and family to the Baby Jesus. He will hear and answer them.
I know that all of you have very special intentions in your heart and so I want to say, that while I can't know them all, Jesus does. As we approach Christmas, I'll be praying that Jesus will look with great love and mercy on all your needs. I hope and pray that we all receive the gift of a more perfect love of the Child, Jesus, thereby turning our desire towards the gift of true life.
Glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
As Cold As Ice
Chris and Mike chillin'
before freezing
Jon and the coach
looking over the
course
The course from the
starting line
Michael crossing the
finish line!!
Michael waiting
to get out of the
chute after the
race
Michael and his dad-
very happy people!
Michael back to doing
what he enjoys - yard
work in 72 degree
weather!
No place like home......
The Weather Outside is Frightful.............
We took Paul to Charlotte on Tuesday for his final check up with Dr. McLanahan and Dr. Matthews. At least, that is what we thought. In relation to the shunt, it was a final check up and there is nothing more to be done other than monitor it. It is working very well. I talked to Dr. McLanahan about the problem we noticed on Paul's forehead. He has long indentations coming down his forehead on the left side. Dr. McLanahan said it is due to the fact that he did a craniotomy on Paul when the reconstructive surgery was done. The bone has not grown back and it will be watched closely. On a CT taken last August, he showed us the area where the scars are on the skull. He said that he is not concerned at this time about that. Another CT was taken and the best thing he noticed was Paul's ventricles are continuing to reduce in size, which is a main goal. He said that he would not adjust the shunt at all, since Paul's headaches were continuing to improve. He said he is not satisfied with Paul's continued problem of having headaches 24/7, even though they are so low. He will consult with Dr. Matthews about the scars and headache issues and would get back with us.
We went to see Dr. Matthews and he checked Paul's eye function. He encouraged Paul to continue working on the exercises that he was doing at Shepherd, as he still believes Paul will be able to coordinate his eye movement to a much finer degree. He will need to do a few more minor surgeries to shave away scar tissue above the eye socket, where there had been so much damage. He feels that is what is keeping Paul's eye from moving up or down. He did not give a specific answer about the issue of the scars from the craniotomy. He needed to see the current CT and would discuss with Dr. McLanahan. I was left with an uneasy feeling, but immediately put it in God's hands and asked Him to guide these doctors.
Paul had more electrical stimulation done while we were there. Anna, Dr. Matthews’ associate, talked a lot about keeping Paul on a very healthy diet. It is important to concentrate on keeping the liver healthy after all the medications he has been on for so long. A good healthy diet will go a long way to accomplish that. Nothing new about that statement! But Paul was listening this time and he is not as argumentative about drinking a lot more water. He continues to have a problem with realizing he needs food or water. He does not really feel hunger. He knows it is time to eat and he loves to enjoy a meal with us, but he doesn't ever say he is hungry. One day this last week, when he said his head was hurting, I asked him if he had eaten breakfast or lunch, he said no. When asked why not, he said he hadn't thought about it. He had not had anything to drink either.
Hunger and thirst do not seem to be felt.
Anna gave us more information about the electrical treatment. As it turns out, she has a home in Atlanta also. She is going to bring us a preprogrammed machine and will give us the training on administering this for Paul. We will be able to do this for him daily. They want to give this treatment a huge effort and then if that does not work, we will discuss the issue of nerve replacement surgery. That is a major surgery, one we are not going to consider without much prayer and consideration. We would like to see more healing overall, before Paul gets knocked back down with a surgery. He said he would be very willing to have the surgery if it meant he could blink and smile again. He has become very conscious of how he looks and is bothered by it. I know how he feels. I had facial paralysis for 11 months when I was 27 years old. I felt very weird and it is tough to be stared at. I did get 80% recovery and was so thankful to God. I had only a tiny glimpse of the world in which people with permanent deformities live. It is so difficult having limitations on normal movement. Now that he doesn't use tape on his eyelid during the day, most people don't notice anything is different while he wears his sunglasses. I know that is why he prefers to keep them on. We pray for the guidance in helping Paul make the decision about what to do next in regards to this major surgery.
We have completed the therapy at Shepherd for now. They gave Paul instructions for continuing his therapy at home and will see how he progresses. They will schedule an appointment for his neuro-psych evaluation. Paul will not be able to go to school this Spring. We were so disappointed about it. I had to trust God there was a reason. Since Paul had been out for 2 years, he needed to reapply. That deadline was missed when Shepherd Center started to look at getting him back in school. One thing they noticed was Paul was very reluctant about going back. While he was ready cognitively, emotionally it may have been premature. He had been asked to do some things in regards to registration and he did not complete the tasks. We were not aware of this. It was a combination of things that caused the deadline to be missed. I feel in my heart that it must not have meant to be. After our last appointment with the Charlotte doctors, it seems better that they complete the work of fine tuning the functioning of Paul's eye. It will help Paul be more successful when he does take college courses. In the meantime, Paul will register for the Summer session. That is why the neuro-psych evaluation was put off until Spring. The results will be current for the cognitive, emotional and physical state that Paul is in at that time. The results will be given to the school so that they can assess Paul's needs and match them with the available help.
In the meantime, we will continue to provide daily course work for Paul to do to keep some skills needed for college. He has taken an active role in that. He and Jon purchased a Nintendo DS which has a program that helps to build word recognition, spelling and use. We have noticed that Paul is limited in word recall and this is a fun way to help him remember words he has forgotten. Another useful thing we where shown is a Timex watch that will allow him to transfer data from the computer, where he programs his weekly schedule. The watch will then send the messages throughout the day to remind Paul of what he needs to remember to do next, since he still has problems with short term memory. It was an issue of concern for his therapist at Shepherd, in regards to his being ready for college. We remain hopeful that there is still a lot more progress he will make. It really does take time and it is a tough lesson in patience for us all.
I have to say, when the doctors and staff saw Paul last week, everyone of them commented on how huge a leap Paul has taken since they saw him last. Both doctors seemed relieved and encouraged that he has come this far. It was fun to watch their faces when they saw him as they entered the room. He has gained some weight, has great color and HAS A GOOD HAIRCUT! I know Paul was happy to hear them talking so positively about how good he looks and how healthy he has become.
On Friday, we got to focus on Michael and the Junior National Olympics in Kansas City. As Jon, Michael and I were lifting off from Atlanta, the pilot made an announcement to welcome aboard all the Olympic athletes who were on this flight. It was so fun to hear that. We noticed there were at least 7 young men on board. Michael and his friend, Chris, attend the same college and they both qualified for the event. We landed in Kansas City and walked outside into the freezing cold. It became instantly clear that we were not prepared for the weather. The gloves, hats and windbreaker coat I had on were no match for the biting wind. I should have known better since I was raised in the northern state of Wisconsin. As we came through the clouds upon landing, Chris and Mike noticed the snow on the ground and instantly turned to look at each other and I saw Mike mouth the words, "Mother of God". Neither of them had run in weather any colder than 40 degrees and it became clear that this was going to be one tough race. We drove out to the farm in Perry, Kansas where the event would take place and they walked the trail. It had snowed the day before, and the trail was now icy and muddy. Michael said that he didn’t think he would do very well, but would try hard to make it worth the money spent to get there. The next morning, we woke up to 20 degree weather, with the wind chill factor making it feel like 10 degrees. We got up early so we could go to Mass on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day of obligation. We used the GPS to help us find the closest Catholic church. It took us to an abandoned building! I was really sad that we were not going to be able to make it to Mass. As we sat in the parking lot, Michael remembered the names of the streets of an intersection that someone had mentioned might be the location of a Catholic church. We entered that information and drove as quickly as we could on the icy streets. We got there and unfortunately, I parked on the wrong side of the huge church building. We tried to walk up the stairs on one side, but it was too icy. So we walked back around the other way and had to climb a very steep hill in the icy snow, while holding onto the wall of the church to keep from slipping. Our tennis shoes did not help one bit! We made it to the top and got into church right before the Gospel. We were frozen. I didn’t take time to completely dry my hair and as Mass continued, I started to shiver so hard from the chill of it. I prayed with complete thanksgiving that heaven helped us find the church and that we had food and shelter and warm (at least for Atlanta weather) clothing to wear. I was so aware of our blessings in life! As I sat there thanking God, I was picturing how hard it had been to get inside the building. It would have been so easy to just quit and use the excuse that we had tried our hardest and to have turned around when we first were lost. But I felt so compelled to find the church and God provided Michael with the way. We struggled in the freezing drizzle to climb up that hill, keeping our balance with use of the church building. What a perfect visual aid for me! It has been the church – all of our brothers and sisters in Christ – who we have clung to as we climbed so many hills. I thought about how I always want to have that desire to stay close to God, no matter how hard the trail. I prayed that my desire to receive the Body of Christ that day would grow stronger with each day I lived. I know that is how Jesus wants us to desire Him in every moment of our life. I felt such joy being there with Him that morning. On that beautiful feast day of Blessed Mary, I was sure She had had a hand in getting us to Her Son! Days later, I was reminded that a Mass was said for Jon and me at Ave Maria on Friday night. James and Shannon were there praying for us. I know their prayers helped us receive Jesus at Mass on Saturday. Oh, that wonderful power of prayer!
Michael and Chris did pretty well, given the conditions and their lack of experience in the cold. They placed 120 and 133 out of 173 runners. The winners came from Montana and Idaho. Not a surprise……….smile. When Michael crossed the finish line, we were so proud of him. He has been a cross country runner for only 4 months and was in the Jr. National Olympics. Like Paul, there is a lot of hope and promise for his future. He came out of the finishing gates and hugged Jon so hard. He thanked us both for going through all the expense and trouble of being there with him. Yes – it was a priceless moment seeing his joyous smile and receiving those hugs.
We pray dear brothers and sisters, that everyone continues to seek God and His will, with an Olympic size effort. We pray no one loses their way on the trail that will allow us to see His joyous and loving face at the end of our journey.
You don’t want to be left out in the cold.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
We went to see Dr. Matthews and he checked Paul's eye function. He encouraged Paul to continue working on the exercises that he was doing at Shepherd, as he still believes Paul will be able to coordinate his eye movement to a much finer degree. He will need to do a few more minor surgeries to shave away scar tissue above the eye socket, where there had been so much damage. He feels that is what is keeping Paul's eye from moving up or down. He did not give a specific answer about the issue of the scars from the craniotomy. He needed to see the current CT and would discuss with Dr. McLanahan. I was left with an uneasy feeling, but immediately put it in God's hands and asked Him to guide these doctors.
Paul had more electrical stimulation done while we were there. Anna, Dr. Matthews’ associate, talked a lot about keeping Paul on a very healthy diet. It is important to concentrate on keeping the liver healthy after all the medications he has been on for so long. A good healthy diet will go a long way to accomplish that. Nothing new about that statement! But Paul was listening this time and he is not as argumentative about drinking a lot more water. He continues to have a problem with realizing he needs food or water. He does not really feel hunger. He knows it is time to eat and he loves to enjoy a meal with us, but he doesn't ever say he is hungry. One day this last week, when he said his head was hurting, I asked him if he had eaten breakfast or lunch, he said no. When asked why not, he said he hadn't thought about it. He had not had anything to drink either.
Hunger and thirst do not seem to be felt.
Anna gave us more information about the electrical treatment. As it turns out, she has a home in Atlanta also. She is going to bring us a preprogrammed machine and will give us the training on administering this for Paul. We will be able to do this for him daily. They want to give this treatment a huge effort and then if that does not work, we will discuss the issue of nerve replacement surgery. That is a major surgery, one we are not going to consider without much prayer and consideration. We would like to see more healing overall, before Paul gets knocked back down with a surgery. He said he would be very willing to have the surgery if it meant he could blink and smile again. He has become very conscious of how he looks and is bothered by it. I know how he feels. I had facial paralysis for 11 months when I was 27 years old. I felt very weird and it is tough to be stared at. I did get 80% recovery and was so thankful to God. I had only a tiny glimpse of the world in which people with permanent deformities live. It is so difficult having limitations on normal movement. Now that he doesn't use tape on his eyelid during the day, most people don't notice anything is different while he wears his sunglasses. I know that is why he prefers to keep them on. We pray for the guidance in helping Paul make the decision about what to do next in regards to this major surgery.
We have completed the therapy at Shepherd for now. They gave Paul instructions for continuing his therapy at home and will see how he progresses. They will schedule an appointment for his neuro-psych evaluation. Paul will not be able to go to school this Spring. We were so disappointed about it. I had to trust God there was a reason. Since Paul had been out for 2 years, he needed to reapply. That deadline was missed when Shepherd Center started to look at getting him back in school. One thing they noticed was Paul was very reluctant about going back. While he was ready cognitively, emotionally it may have been premature. He had been asked to do some things in regards to registration and he did not complete the tasks. We were not aware of this. It was a combination of things that caused the deadline to be missed. I feel in my heart that it must not have meant to be. After our last appointment with the Charlotte doctors, it seems better that they complete the work of fine tuning the functioning of Paul's eye. It will help Paul be more successful when he does take college courses. In the meantime, Paul will register for the Summer session. That is why the neuro-psych evaluation was put off until Spring. The results will be current for the cognitive, emotional and physical state that Paul is in at that time. The results will be given to the school so that they can assess Paul's needs and match them with the available help.
In the meantime, we will continue to provide daily course work for Paul to do to keep some skills needed for college. He has taken an active role in that. He and Jon purchased a Nintendo DS which has a program that helps to build word recognition, spelling and use. We have noticed that Paul is limited in word recall and this is a fun way to help him remember words he has forgotten. Another useful thing we where shown is a Timex watch that will allow him to transfer data from the computer, where he programs his weekly schedule. The watch will then send the messages throughout the day to remind Paul of what he needs to remember to do next, since he still has problems with short term memory. It was an issue of concern for his therapist at Shepherd, in regards to his being ready for college. We remain hopeful that there is still a lot more progress he will make. It really does take time and it is a tough lesson in patience for us all.
I have to say, when the doctors and staff saw Paul last week, everyone of them commented on how huge a leap Paul has taken since they saw him last. Both doctors seemed relieved and encouraged that he has come this far. It was fun to watch their faces when they saw him as they entered the room. He has gained some weight, has great color and HAS A GOOD HAIRCUT! I know Paul was happy to hear them talking so positively about how good he looks and how healthy he has become.
On Friday, we got to focus on Michael and the Junior National Olympics in Kansas City. As Jon, Michael and I were lifting off from Atlanta, the pilot made an announcement to welcome aboard all the Olympic athletes who were on this flight. It was so fun to hear that. We noticed there were at least 7 young men on board. Michael and his friend, Chris, attend the same college and they both qualified for the event. We landed in Kansas City and walked outside into the freezing cold. It became instantly clear that we were not prepared for the weather. The gloves, hats and windbreaker coat I had on were no match for the biting wind. I should have known better since I was raised in the northern state of Wisconsin. As we came through the clouds upon landing, Chris and Mike noticed the snow on the ground and instantly turned to look at each other and I saw Mike mouth the words, "Mother of God". Neither of them had run in weather any colder than 40 degrees and it became clear that this was going to be one tough race. We drove out to the farm in Perry, Kansas where the event would take place and they walked the trail. It had snowed the day before, and the trail was now icy and muddy. Michael said that he didn’t think he would do very well, but would try hard to make it worth the money spent to get there. The next morning, we woke up to 20 degree weather, with the wind chill factor making it feel like 10 degrees. We got up early so we could go to Mass on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day of obligation. We used the GPS to help us find the closest Catholic church. It took us to an abandoned building! I was really sad that we were not going to be able to make it to Mass. As we sat in the parking lot, Michael remembered the names of the streets of an intersection that someone had mentioned might be the location of a Catholic church. We entered that information and drove as quickly as we could on the icy streets. We got there and unfortunately, I parked on the wrong side of the huge church building. We tried to walk up the stairs on one side, but it was too icy. So we walked back around the other way and had to climb a very steep hill in the icy snow, while holding onto the wall of the church to keep from slipping. Our tennis shoes did not help one bit! We made it to the top and got into church right before the Gospel. We were frozen. I didn’t take time to completely dry my hair and as Mass continued, I started to shiver so hard from the chill of it. I prayed with complete thanksgiving that heaven helped us find the church and that we had food and shelter and warm (at least for Atlanta weather) clothing to wear. I was so aware of our blessings in life! As I sat there thanking God, I was picturing how hard it had been to get inside the building. It would have been so easy to just quit and use the excuse that we had tried our hardest and to have turned around when we first were lost. But I felt so compelled to find the church and God provided Michael with the way. We struggled in the freezing drizzle to climb up that hill, keeping our balance with use of the church building. What a perfect visual aid for me! It has been the church – all of our brothers and sisters in Christ – who we have clung to as we climbed so many hills. I thought about how I always want to have that desire to stay close to God, no matter how hard the trail. I prayed that my desire to receive the Body of Christ that day would grow stronger with each day I lived. I know that is how Jesus wants us to desire Him in every moment of our life. I felt such joy being there with Him that morning. On that beautiful feast day of Blessed Mary, I was sure She had had a hand in getting us to Her Son! Days later, I was reminded that a Mass was said for Jon and me at Ave Maria on Friday night. James and Shannon were there praying for us. I know their prayers helped us receive Jesus at Mass on Saturday. Oh, that wonderful power of prayer!
Michael and Chris did pretty well, given the conditions and their lack of experience in the cold. They placed 120 and 133 out of 173 runners. The winners came from Montana and Idaho. Not a surprise……….smile. When Michael crossed the finish line, we were so proud of him. He has been a cross country runner for only 4 months and was in the Jr. National Olympics. Like Paul, there is a lot of hope and promise for his future. He came out of the finishing gates and hugged Jon so hard. He thanked us both for going through all the expense and trouble of being there with him. Yes – it was a priceless moment seeing his joyous smile and receiving those hugs.
We pray dear brothers and sisters, that everyone continues to seek God and His will, with an Olympic size effort. We pray no one loses their way on the trail that will allow us to see His joyous and loving face at the end of our journey.
You don’t want to be left out in the cold.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca
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