Paul Fidero - A New Road

Sentimental Journey -11/11

2010-11-12T08:29:00.002-05:00

11/11/05. Five years already?! Wow. Five years ago today I was waiting to see Paul in the emergency room. I know I will never forget how I felt that evening. I remember how my heart was thumping wildly in my chest, how I could not get my leg to quit shaking. My mind was literally racing back and forth, over years of memories of my son and what life might be without him. I could not control my thoughts, I really could not focus. I tried to calm everything inside of me by saying the Hail Mary over and over and over and then would just break into “no, dear God, no dear God, no dear God.”

Today, just as I do everyday, I drive past the accident scene on my way to work. Everyday, I thank God for holding me very close to His heart and for helping me put one foot in front of another. Everyday, I thank my dearest Blessed Mary for her walk along side of me. I never forget to do that, because everyday, I get to talk to Paul and hear his wonderful and loving voice. Everyday, he stops by or calls to say good morning. How joyous the gift of life.

I thought about all my sons today and reflected on the strength they brought to me and continue to do so. I thought about my husband and how he has been a rock throughout these years. I am surrounded by these strong men and I can’t believe my blessings. I thought about my brothers and sisters and how they raced into town to share their prayers and love with all of us. I thought about how friends came to be with us and how so many, near and far began a prayer vigil for Paul, which continues to this day. How joyous the gift of these lives.

Paul has come a great distance. Have we reached California? I would have to say we have crossed over the state line! He is able to drive within a 25 mile radius of our home. He is working 35 hours a week at DTSi. He went back to college for 2 semesters and did very well, albeit with some support from Jon and me. He can play his guitar very well again. He can comprehend anything, with complex issues taking more explanation or time. He has been able to get his eyes to work in unison, which took lots of therapy and exercise. He was so blessed when he got that referral to an eye clinic in Roswell, GA. He will have to continue this therapy for life so that his eye muscles will stay strong. Paul should be able to do anything he sets his heart on doing. It will take hard work, but it can be done.

So, what are the remaining issues? He has been left with a few permanent disabilities that cause him some problems. He is still paralyzed on the left side of his face. He can’t blink his eye and has to manually blink it with his finger. He has to put eye drops in every hour or so. His eye still has to be taped down at night. He has some trouble annunciating words due to the paralysis of his cheek. He will sometimes hold the left side of his mouth to pronounce words more quickly, if he is in a hurry. He can’t always hear very well and has to lean in to a conversation or has to ask for things to be repeated, even though he is using hearing aids. He has a loud ringing in his ears which bothers him greatly. We learned recently from a specialist that the doctors should have replaced the 7th cranial nerve when they did the first surgery to repair his facial bones. Had the replacement of that nerve been done in the first year, Paul would not have suffered permanent paralysis. It caused us great sadness to learn this. We were so preoccupied with solving his hydrocephalus that no one considered this other major issue. That first year was one of unbearable headaches and uncontrolled fluid on the brain, along with a number of emergency surgeries. There were so many serious problems that had to be solved and the paralysis was not #1 on the chart. Whether the doctors even had the knowledge about the time frame of replacing the nerve is anyone’s guess. And so, today, it is what it is. We prayed fervently for guidance and we have to trust that God was with us through it all. We have to move forward with great hope and trust. Heaven is in front of us. Heaven is the end of the journey, not California.

Paul’s faith has remained strong. It remains his most blessed gift from God. I cannot count the times when Paul has helped Jon and me in our own faith/life lessons. We have gone through very tough times emotionally and it was Paul who had the comforting words for us! I cannot count the times I have been in tears, crying over the suffering Paul has endured. It was Paul who had the reassuring and faith-filled words to lift me up. He has a wonderful inner strength that he is able to draw on. There have been many moments when Paul realizes what he has lost. He is very sad at what is going on in his life now - that others will always see him as handicapped. He sees how they look at him and automatically assume he is brain damaged. He knows that he had a brain injury, but also knows he is quite capable of being taught anything. He has had some very rude and condescending things said to him, even by some he considers friends. When he has spoken of it, I have asked him why he doesn’t ‘let them have it’! I get very defensive about anyone hurting him in any way. I have seen what he has had to go through all these years. But he will remind me that it would not serve any purpose to get into a verbal battle with anyone because nothing would be won that way. I have watched him silently endure some very harsh behaviors and let me tell you – it takes every ounce of my self control to keep from calling the offending person to ‘let them have it’. They take his silence as stupidity.

So, this past weekend, he came over to the house quite happy and told us he had just been to confession with his brother Michael. He was really excited that he had been able to talk to the priest about the hurtful behavior he has experienced lately. Do you know what he was most happy about? That he was able to confess the sin of thinking badly about these people who have been cruel to him and how good he felt inside about being forgiven. He said that they just didn’t understand and that it was more important that he stayed kind towards them. I felt so humbled and contrite about my very unholy response to these situations and I burst into tears as I ran over to hug him. Of course, my response pretty much shocked him and he wanted to know what could possibly have caused me to cry. I looked up at his beautiful face and said I realized why God had not taken him home to heaven that day 5 years ago. God needed him to stay here to help save his mother’s soul! I am impulsive and can have a bad temper, which is not a great combination. I cannot bear to see my family be the target of other people’s bad actions and then I totally forget how to respond with patience or Christ-like words or even an ounce of wisdom. While I have learned a lot from Paul, I have a long way to go since I started from so low a point! My Paul is truly a gentle and loving soul. (Well, except when we talk about him needing to eat more nutritional foods. We pretty much ignore that topic altogether! )

Paul will be going back to college in the Spring. He had stopped going a year ago and he did not want to listen to us talk about the importance of graduating from college. (Another topic we learned to avoid.) He just wanted to find a job where he could make decent money. He also wanted desperately to meet a Catholic girl and get married and have children. This, most especially, has been his desire for the last year. He has come to realize on his own, that the chances of his finding a job that would pay well enough are not going to happen without his finishing college. It is going to be a real challenge for him, but what has changed is that it is now Paul’s desire to finish college. We have great hope that he will succeed too!

He went back to college the first time because we pretty much forced it on him. It was really difficult because he was not able to drive and had to depend so heavily on us to go anywhere. Because of this, he didn’t try to make friends with anyone he met because he didn’t have much freedom to make his own schedule. Another problem was that he still had to get more recovery in his eyesight. He had a lot of problems focusing due to his eyes not moving together in unison. Given his disabilities, he needed to gain more confidence too. Most importantly, he needed to understand that things were going to be different for him and accept it. The burden of all these issues caused him to become very negative regarding school and so he quit and said he just wanted to work and try to gain experience that way. That plan has not worked out and he has accepted the fact that maybe God is closing that door to force him towards the pathway God has had in mind all along. We pray daily for Paul to know that path and to have the courage to follow it. We pray for the wisdom and understanding to help him.

Paul continues to work with the therapist at Shepherd Center to excel at driving on the freeway and at night. He hopes to achieve this goal by the end of the year. The woman he works with is a great blessing indeed. When she first tested Paul 3 years ago, she pretty much indicated that he would probably not be able to drive again. There were so many negatives – his eyesight, his depth perception, his peripheral vision, slow reaction time, inability to handle multiple tasks simultaneously, bad judgements/decisions in response to other drivers’ actions. At the time, I was relieved that Paul was not going to be driving so soon. My nerves were still too raw. But as time went on, I started to think she wasn’t judging Paul fairly. One day though, she spoke boldly and truthfully with us. She said that she was not just making sure Paul could drive as well as before. He would have to drive better than everyone on the road because she never wanted to see him back there as a patient. He had to have excellent driving skills because his life really did depend on it. The next accident would impair him for life or would end his life. Her duty to Paul was far greater than just a driving instructor teaching a first time driver. The fact that she was spending this much time with Paul was because she came to realize he could do it. But he would have to have perfect driving skills. We learned that less than 50% of brain injured patients ever drive again and she was one of only a few therapists who have even tried to help brain injured patients, because the odds were not in their favor.

What happened next was incredible. The director of this department that helped the severely physically disabled drive again, was encouraged by Paul’s progress and he decided to work on a system that would address the problems associated with getting brain injured people back on the road again. He and Paul’s therapist decided Paul would be a great candidate to be part of the pilot program and with Paul’s permission, would use him as a case study to further advance this instrument they had developed. Paul needed coaching as he drove, which meant that he might have difficulty in transitioning to driving alone. The instrument had recorded prompts that Paul would hear as he drove. It was interactive in that Paul had to press a particular button after certain occurrences; like noticing the speed limit signs and checking his own speed limit, or keeping good spacing around his car, or using his signals. When he was aware of these things, he had to press the related button on the device. If he did not press a button after 2 minutes, the recorder would play automatically, encouraging him to remember to notice what was going on around him. One of the benefits of this was to keep Paul’s attention in case he became distracted. It brought his thoughts back to his driving. It is common for someone with TBI (traumatic brain injury) to ‘zone out’ if their brain becomes fatigued. After a few months of using this device, it was evident that Paul did not suffer from this while driving. This was a huge advantage for Paul. He is able to drive for long periods of time and he does not suffer from brain fatigue. This past month, we learned that Georgia Tech engineers have become involved with the technology of this mechanism and there is a patent pending, along with a huge national interest in the medical field. Paul is mentioned in the case study by number only, not name. He was part of the initial stages and was very instrumental in helping them move the program further along. Years ago I had asked “to what point and purpose, God? To what point and purpose?” God has occassionally graced us with answers.

In these five years we have changed in many ways and have created some good habits. We pray the rosary together almost daily. Jon and I try to go daily to the 6:30 AM Mass and we have our scheduled hour of adoration once a week at 5 AM. And, logically, we have taken a more vocal and active part in the Pro-Life movement. We have become prayer warriors and feel a strong calling to become more and more involved. We thank God for helping us see how large a battle we have before us. Silence is no longer acceptable for us. Last Summer, we were asked to come take part of a movement called Abortion – free Gwinnett. Our county has its first abortion mill and people have been asked to pray in front of it as often as possible. The first day we went, Jon and I looked across the street and we could see, looming above us a few blocks away, Gwinnett Medical Center. We could see Paul’s room from where we stood. “To what point and purpose did that accident have to happen?” Thank you Dear Lord, for allowing us to be part of Your Point and Purpose.

Our continued love and prayers are with you each and everyday.
Peace, love and Pro-Life!
Jon and Rebecca

California, Here I Come

2010-03-24T16:05:00.005-04:00

Our lives are definitely getting back to where we were before Paul's accident. We are busy with so much more than just being Paul's care givers! Praise be to God for the fullness of our lives and the joy that brings. So here is the update.

We started the processes of getting Paul relicensed as a driver and that began almost 2 years ago. In between, we have had numerous doctor appointments, another major surgery, driving evaluation appointments, government/vocational rehabilitation appointments and social security/disability appointments. Then there has been the daily driving of Paul to and from work, and then the regular day in and day out routines of our own jobs and responsibilites. Most evenings have been spent working on therapies with Paul and we have also added the extra activities at church that we used to have and even a couple more activities I was not involved in. We also have welcomed one more grandchild in the family, along with another daughter in law and a fiance! While the pace has picked up immensely and I feel 10 years older, I remain incredibly thankful to God for the outpouring of the graces needed to get through all this.

There have been so many moments since I wrote last that I thought to myself......."this is so a blog kind of moment"! I would mean to sit down and get it written, but then the minutes in my day would run out and I would come to a screeching halt, and absolutely NOT be able to keep my eyes open.

One particular time was last Fall when we were finally able to get Paul on the dockets at Shepherd Center to start his first set of driving evaluation classes. It took the better part of a year to get the necessary funding and at long last we were ready to start. I had gone to the 6:30 AM Mass at St. John Neumann's and was driving back home. I had made this trip home hundreds of times before at this same time and not once had this ever happened this way. It was the morning of the first day of evaluations. I was going to head home to pick up Paul and then head downtown. I left church and as I was making the right hand turn onto Five Forks Trickum, the #3 ambulance that took Paul to the hospital 11/11/05 was going right past me. The road was clear behind it, so I was able to complete my right turn, putting me right at the back doors of that ambulance. Now, the funny thing was, about a year after Paul's accident, they changed out that #3 white ambulance with a shiny new red and black ambulance. I noticed it right away when our #3 was gone and the new one was parked at the fire station, because I had to pass it everyday I drove to Mass. I was really sad when ours was replaced. Not sure why, but I was. I guess the new one reminded me that time was moving on for everyone else and we were still walking at a snail's pace in our private lives. So......of course I took immediate notice of this special big white ambulance as it drove right by me that morning. I quickly saw it was the #3 ambulance. Paul's ambulance. With that big red number 3. I smiled once again as I remembered back to the day of the accident and that moment when I realized that Paul was in an ambulance marked by the same number as the Trinity.......Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I was comforted that awful day by these very little signs from God that He was in charge!

So, here I was, almost 4 years later, driving behind that ambulance again. Since Paul's accident, there has not been ONE time where I have been right behind an ambulance. And now, here I was following it on the very day I was going to take Paul to his first driver's training class. This "Godincidence" was not lost on me. It was like God was telling me it was time to let go of those really intensely sad memories and time to move forward with renewed hope. I was now following that ambulance with a new horizon in front of us and the old memory of following that ambulance was replaced with a much better memory. Following this thought, I remembered right away that I had never gone to the fire station to thank those wonderful men for the help they provided in keeping Paul alive. They worked hard and gave it their all. I always meant to stop by, but I was always on my way somewhere and didn't seem to have the time. I was given the sign that it was time! I followed that ambulance for about a mile and right into the parking lot of the fire station. It did feel strange following it again. I vividly remembered back to that afternoon, when I was driving down the road trying to find Paul's car. I realized too late I had passed him right by. I thought his car was on the street, but it was in someone's front yard, so I didn't see it. I was down 2 blocks and realized from the stopped traffic in the oncoming lane, that he was back behind me. Traffic was piled up for at least 1/2 a mile. I could not turn around and get back to him. Then the big white #3 ambulance came right in front of me at the intersection and I made a u-turn in the middle of that intersection, and followed right behind that ambulance as he cleared a pathway all the way back to the scene.

Yes, it felt so strange to be following it once again. The driver got out and looked at me kind of strangely as I walked over to him. It was time for the shift to change, so a lot of the firemen/paramedics were standing around. I introduced myself and told them that I wanted to thank them and let them know they had saved a life. While they may not remember the accident, we surely remembered their heroic efforts that day. Amazingly one man did remember. He said he had just come on his shift when the ambulance was returning to the station. He remembers the men telling him about the really bad accident and the fact that they didn't expect the driver to live. He smiled a big smile and said it always is good to hear these kinds of stories and how things turned out better than expected. They were also pleased to hear where I was taking Paul that very day!

And the end of this story is....Paul can drive himself into that parking lot next week.........when his license will be valid again. We had our last day of training today and Paul has been given clearance to drive unsupervised during the day. He will need more training for night time driving, given the limitations in his vision. He has had to do nightly vision excercises for the last 6 months and it has helped him a lot to regain more movement in his left eye and also to help him have coordinated movement in both eyes. We wish we had been given these theraputic excercises years ago, but better late than never. We are thankful and know everything has happened in God's time frame. Oh yes......how we have learned that lesson!

I wanted to let everyone know where their prayers have taken Paul. He still has a long way to go in some areas, but has come from so far away. He has definitely made it to Gallup, NM......ah,Gallup - that is another great story I will share you with. I do promise it to tell it very, very soon. I have so much to tell you regarding this faith filled story, this "God Story".
Stay tuned. I'll be right back.

Peace, love and happy trails to you,
Jon and Rebecca

As Time Goes By

2009-05-04T23:40:00.002-04:00

Today, I remembered vividly, an event that took place the day after Paul woke up from his coma. There were a couple therapists in the room and they sat Paul up on the side of his bed. They wanted to start assessing what was lost and what was still intact. Paul was like a wet noodle, having lost so much weight, strength and muscle tone. He was not comfortable at all and at one point, when he looked at me, I could tell he was agitated with their repeat commands to him. The moment I remember most is when the one therapist kept telling Paul to “move your left leg forward”. He had already moved his right leg forward, slowly and weakly. I knew he was suffering some paralysis all the way down his left side, and wondered why they were insisting on him moving his left leg. I spoke to the therapist in a soft voice that Paul was paralyzed on the left side. She nodded her head at me, with a look that said “Okay thanks, but can you go sit down now?” I did sit down, wondering how long she would keep up her command to move the left leg.

Paul tried to force himself towards the pillow on his bed, letting them know he was done with this exercise in frustration. The therapist said, “You can lie down after you move your left leg forward. Try harder”. Paul realized that he didn’t have the strength to push past the nurses and therapists holding him up, so he moved his right foot behind his left leg and pushed his left foot forward. Everyone laughed and the therapist said, “That is problem solving! That is what I wanted to see.” She immediately let Paul lay back down. She looked at me and said, “He is going to do great!”

As I sat here smiling at the remembrance, it struck me that it helps explains the delay in my posting a blog. I have been mentally and spiritually paralyzed. I believe it started after the elections and has gotten worse as I have watched, in horror, the dismantling of all the hard work of those who believe in the sanctity of life. I had been praying very hard as we got closer to the election in November, and after the election, even more fervently. I held onto hope that our new president would have a conversion of heart and would be open to God’s truths. As each month passed, my hope slowly eroded. My daily prayers were filled with pleadings that we would not continue to lose ground in the fight for the sanctity of all life. I sent faxes and emails to everyone I could, hoping that our voices would be heard. And each month brought nothing but one huge disappointment after another as our politicians have shown they are not listening. They have their agenda and it is bulldozing its way into our lives. I kept thinking of all those people who have worked tirelessly for 30+ years in the pro-life movement and how they must be feeling as they watch all their work gush away like water through a broken dam.

During Lent, when I finally felt spiritually dead, I went to Confession. I received some advice that opened the spiritual floodgate. I was reminded once again that everyone is a child of God -even those who seemed to be without God. We are all sinners and we are all responsible for each other. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ and now more than ever, we need to take care of each other. Especially those who are in most need of God’s mercy. My priest’s parting bit of advice was to not forget that Jesus left us with a sign of His everlasting love - The Holy Spirit. He is the “bomber“. Father explained that he likes to picture the Holy Spirit as a bomber that flies into enemy territory and lets loose a bomb of graces for those who are calling for God’s help. I had come into church feeling ’shell shocked’ after all the months of defeating headline news, but I left church renewed in hope. I smiled up at heaven above while asking the Holy Spirit to ’bomb away!’

In the first week of Easter, I received even greater clarity when I read what Bishop Finn in Kansas City wrote:
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We are at war.

Harsh as this may sound it is true – but it is not new. This war to which I refer did not begin in just the last several months, although new battles are underway – and they bring an intensity and urgency to our efforts that may rival any time in the past.

But it is correct to acknowledge that you and I are warriors - members of the Church on earth – often called the Church Militant. Those who have gone ahead of us have already completed their earthly battles. Some make up the Church Triumphant – Saints in heaven who surround and support us still – tremendous allies in the battle for our eternal salvation; and the Church Suffering (souls in purgatory who depend on our prayers and meritorious works and suffrages). But we are the Church on Earth – The Church Militant. We are engaged in a constant warfare with Satan, with the glamour of evil, and the lure of false truths and empty promises. If we fail to realize how constantly these forces work against us, we are more likely to fall, and even chance forfeiting God’s gift of eternal life - The ultimate promise of the Gospel.

Before I go any further I must proclaim a most important truth – a truth that we have just been celebrating throughout the last week: Jesus Christ, in His life, death, and Resurrection, has already won the war: definitively and once for all. He has conquered sin and death and has won the prize of life on high in heaven forever. We know the final outcome, but the battle for eternal life is now played out in each human heart with a free will to love or not, to be faithful or to walk away from the life which has been offered as God’s most wonderful gift.

Every day the choice is before us: right or wrong; good or bad; the blessing or the curse; life or death. Our whole life must be oriented toward choosing right, the good, the blessing; choosing life. If you and I fail to realize the meaning and finality behind our choices, and the intensity of the constant warfare that confronts us, it is likely that we will drop our guard, be easily and repeatedly deceived, and even loose the life of our eternal soul.

What can we say about this constant warfare? Our battle is ultimately a spiritual battle for the eternal salvation of souls – our own and those of other people. We are not engaged in physical battles in the same way military soldiers defend with material weapons. We need not – we must not – initiate violence against other persons to accomplish something good, even something as significant as the protection of human life.
But it is true that we might have to endure physical suffering to prosper the victory of Jesus Christ. He carried the Cross. He promised us that – if we were to follow Him – we also would share the Cross. We must not expect anything less. When you stand up for what is right – you will be opposed. The temptation will be to avoid these attacks. But through our responses we must see what kind of soldiers we are.

Our enemy is the deceiver, the liar, Satan. Because of his spiritual powers he can turn the minds and hearts of men. He is our spiritual or supernatural enemy when he works to tempt us, and he becomes a kind of natural enemy as he works in the hearts of other people to twist and confound God’s will. In our human experience people deceived by Satan’s distortions and lies may appear as our “human enemies.”

But, in his Letter to the Ephesians, St. Paul makes, for us, a very important distinction. “Draw strength from the Lord and from His mighty power,” He tells them and us. “Put on the armor of God, in order that you can stand firm against the tactics of the devil.” “For, our struggle,” St. Paul tells us, “is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the rulers of this darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens.” (Eph 6:10-12).

So let’s be clear: Human beings are not Satan, but certainly they can come under his power, even without their fully realizing it. When we, in our sinfulness, put something in the place of God: pleasure and convenience; material success; political power and prestige, we open a door for the principalities and contrary spirits who war against God. They want you and me for their prize. When we forsake God and outwardly reject His law and what we know to be His will, we make an easy victory for our supernatural enemies. We fall right into their hands.

What about the persons who wish to establish a path of living which contravenes God’s law: promoting abortion; unnatural substitutes for marriage, and all such distortions of true freedom? Here Jesus is clear: “But I say to you, love your enemies: and pray for those who persecute you.” ( Matt 5:44)
We cannot hate these human enemies, and we must find a way to love them. But we need not show them any sign of agreement. We pray for them. We do not lie to them – and we seek that which pertains to their conversion – not to their worldly comforts, but to their eternal salvation. To ignore their destructive errors, particularly those that cost the lives of others, is to shirk our responsibility to attend to their eternal salvation.
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So, in between helping Paul study for his classes in college, driving him back and forth and working, I began to pray for all souls to go to heaven. I started to visualize people’s souls being physically attacked by satan and I found a tenderness in my heart for them. I know how often and how effective satan's attacks have been on me and my family, so I feel genuine compassion for everyone who is suffering from these attacks. Hate the sin, love the sinner. Additionally, I have set my cell phone to sound off at 3 PM so that I don’t miss the hour of death of Our Lord Jesus, when I offer up all the suffering of my family, friends and our world to The Divine Mercy. Armed with the Rosary, Divine Mercy Chaplet and frequent attendance at Mass where we receive the Body of Christ, we have heaven on our side and that is reason for great hope, faith and love.

By now you must be wondering if this blog is about Paul. Yes it is, but I said it at the beginning and I will repeat it now. This is and always will be God’s story and we are but a small part of it. As our personal battles continue, we struggle to not lose sight of God.

Paul finished the Fall semester with an A, but needed 95% input from Jon and me. We had to practically write all the papers for him. Full of worry, I called Dee Huggins and she said that they had to help their son for the first few semesters before he was able to do everything on his own. So, with that bit of information, we had some hope and encouraged Paul to register for 2 classes in the Spring. He was registering late and had to take what would fit in with my work schedule. He took Sociology and Computer Science. He was blessed with a teacher who gave weekly tests in Sociology. That would be bite size pieces of information to retain and we felt Paul could handle that. He got off to a rocky start, and after failing the first test and barely passing the next one, he was quite discouraged. We literally shut down our lives to help him study 2-3 hours every weekday evening, and 5 hours on Saturday/Sundays. Memorization was very difficult for Paul. We realized too that his limited verbal skills made it slow going as he read the chapters. We told him to stop at words he did not know and look them up. Then we would have him summarize what he had read each evening to make sure he understood the concepts. That part went well, but when it came time to take the test, his memory would fail him. After 7-8 weeks, we found an online study guide with practice tests and flash cards for the textbook and things started to improve immensely. He called me the day he got his first 100% and his excitement was over the top. He talked about it for days. He was able to give a 50% effort on his mid-term research paper, so that was great improvement as far as we were concerned. He received his final exam instructions and it was going to be a 5 page paper. He had a couple weeks to finish it, so we asked him to start the paper. We wanted to see what he could accomplish. He met the challenge and wrote 100% of it. He asked us to proof read it and there were only a few minor corrections. He had a low A average from his combined mid-term and weekly exam grades, so we felt it would be good to let him do all this on his own. He needed to keep a B average overall to keep the Hope Scholarship. He got his grades this week and he received an A in Sociology and an A in Computer Science. (We provided no help in Computer Science as it was all in class work and tests. He has remembered a lot about computers since his accident, so this was an easy A! )

Along with great grades, Paul met a wonderful friend. He had said before that he would not be able to meet people, since he was now that ‘handicapped’ person. He felt that with his facial paralysis, people would assume he was mentally deficient. The first day of class, a woman (she is married, in her 30’s, has 2 children and wanted to finish her college degree) asked to borrow his textbook. It turns out, she had both classes with Paul and they struck up a friendship. She has been a huge help for Paul. She provided the encouragement Paul needed to work really hard in both classes. She would call him to ask questions regarding Computer Science class and Paul called her about questions in Sociology. Early in the semester, Paul started to talk about maybe quitting college and just finding a job where he could maybe grow with the company. This became a battleground for Paul and us. At the end of the semester, Paul and Mary Jo went to celebrate over lunch and she mentioned to Paul about the importance of a degree. On the way home, he was conveying all the reasons why he needs to continue in his attempts at college. Voilà! God’s hand at work! Battle over. (What do parents know anyway?)

Paul and Jon play guitars almost nightly. We have struck a deal with Paul. No summer classes as long as he continues to work on some form of academic study and plays his guitar/piano every day. Jerry is going to help get him swimming as often as possible for aerobic exercise. We have coordinated our ‘attack’ as we continue to sell Paul on the benefits of a nutritious diet. Some battles may not be won! Paul loves to go out to eat.

We have been working since last November to obtain the funding for Paul to take at least 10 hours of driving coursework/skills at Shepherd Center. The cost is $150 per hour of training, with a minimum of 10 hours needed. We finally got the approval and funds will be available in July. Shepherd Center has already finished all its processes getting the state approved vision tests done. Paul will start his driving course sometime in July and we hope that he will be driving by Fall. Almost 4 years since his accident and he will have made great strides towards a higher level of independence!

While Paul has not 'made it to California' yet on this journey forward, James did. He finished his year of training as an officer in the Marine Corps and will be there until July. Then he will be stationed in Japan. It was not his first choice, needless to say. But if you ask him how he is, he is still responding, “living the dream”.

Jon and Marie welcomed a baby girl, Isabella, into our world in April. Let me tell you, I can see how people can be addicted to shopping! After 4 sons and my first grandson, I am thoroughly enjoying browsing in the baby girls department. Now, if we could just move closer to all of them!

Michael finished his sophomore year in college and will continue his cross country team in the Fall. He runs 10 – 15 miles daily and amazes us with his discipline. He hopes to transfer to Georgia Tech next Spring. He wanted one more season of cross country running with his current school, since they are finally funding this athletic program. Michael was the first person ever to win a conference race for the school and that started their real interest in this sport.

Jon and I can see a very small light at the end of the tunnel. We were able to take a little trip by ourselves to Virginia to be with James as he graduated from The Basic School (officer school). We drove so that we would have plenty of time to enjoy the ‘pocket of peace’ the long drive provided. We feel more comfortable making plans a month or two in advance since, praise be to God, we have had the relief of no hospital stay for over a year.

If you are still checking this blog, thank you so much for your prayers. You know well the power there is in prayer. Now that school is out for the Summer, I hope to fill in some of the blank spaces of these past months, while keeping you up to date on what Paul continues to accomplish. Paul knows well that it is all in God’s hands and he places all his trust there. His prayer continues to be “help me heal completely, but if it be Your will that I have to suffer longer, I will do this”. Paul’s love of God is a daily lesson for me. He truly becomes the teacher.

Come Holy Spirit, renew in our hearts a greater love of God and each other. May our lives be ‘a tour of duty for God’.

Peace in Our Risen Lord,
Jon and Rebecca

WAKE UP LITTLE ................

2008-11-26T11:33:00.001-05:00

I had that song, 'Wake Up Little Susie' in my head this morning as I reflected on this date, 11/26.
Jon and I were at Mass this morning and I whispered to him that this was the date when Paul woke up from his coma, 3 years ago. During Mass, I remembered the huge joy that erupted in our home that day. It was 6:30 AM when the phone rang. I was frozen in fear when it rang, since it was too early for family to call us. I will never forget Jon running out into the hallway shouting, "Paul is awake! Paul is responding!" The boys came racing out of their rooms and joined all the yelling and laughing. Within 10 minutes they were bolting out the door to go see their brother.

So I sat there this morning, in the quiet of the sanctuary, with that song going on in my head. The words of the responsorial after the first reading brought me back.

GREAT AND WONDERFUL ARE ALL YOUR WORKS, LORD, MIGHTY GOD! (RV 15:3)

"Let the sea and what fills it resound, the world and those who dwell in it;
Let the rivers clap their hands, the mountains shout with them for joy."
(Psalm 98)

As I sat there, I dwelled on the fact that I too needed to wake up from the darkness that I can slip into. I remember wanting to be the most holy person on earth that day, after God had done such great deeds for our family. I was determined to show Him my love and devotion all the rest of my days. As I sat in church this morning, 3 years later, I reflected on the fact that I had not kept my promise very well. At this time of year, when everyone takes stock of all that they are thankful for, I was thinking how long my list is. With all the blessings we have - our faith, jobs, health, home, family - I wish I had been able to keep my promise to God on that day, 3 years ago. I prayed that I too would be woken up to see with greater clarity, the Light of Jesus.
The end of the Gospel from today states, "You will be hated by all because of my name, but not a hair on your head will be destroyed. By your perseverance, you will secure your lives." So, once again, with great prayerfulness and hope, I will work at being the holy person God so wants me to be.

After Mass, I read the meditation of the day, written by St. Paulinus, a friend of Sts. Ambrose, Martin of Tours and Augustine. Paul's accident was on 11/11, which is the feast day of St. Martin of Tours and today's meditation was written by St. Paulinus. Very cool, I thought to myself.

Perseverance as Service
" From the beginning of the world, Christ has been suffering in all His people; for he is the beginning and the end, veiled in the law, revealed in the Gospel, the Lord ever wonderful in His saints, in whom He both suffers and triumphs. In Abel He was killed by his brother, in Noah mocked by his son, in Abraham a sojourner, in Isaac offered in sacrifice, in Jacob a servant, in Joseph sold, in Moses exposed and put to flight, in the prophets stoned and sawn in two, in the apostles buffeted on land and sea, and in the many varied torments of the blessed martyrs put to death time and again.

And it is the same Lord who endures our sufferings and sorrows today. He identified himself with the human race and so has continually borne the mal-treatment inflicted upon us; for He knows how to endure suffering, which without Him we cannot and know not how to endure. It is He, I say, who continues to withstand the world in us and for us today, so that , overcoming it by His patient endurance, He may bring His power to perfection in weakness. He it is who suffers the taunts you endure, and by hating you this world is hating Him.

Consider the position from which we fell in the beginning and you will realize that it is by the design of God's wisdom and love that we are being restored to life. In Adam we were destroyed by pride and therefore, we are humbled in Christ so as to wash away the guilt of that ancient crime by practicing the opposite virtue, having offended by arrogance, we win approval by service."

I will continue in service by helping Paul move closer to all God intends for him. As always, I continue to learn from Paul. His humility, his incredible love for everyone he comes into contact with, his acceptance of his disabilities, his patience with the pain he has each day. And today, I am most thankful for his example of hope and joy, knowing that God woke him on that day after whispering in his soul. Paul knows this with a certainty and this knowledge moves him forward each day. As we prayed the other day, he told me that he knows God hears his prayers and that he has to wait for the answers. He is hoping that there will be a day when he can be a great husband and father, but also that if God has a different life for him, he wants what God wants.

Oh God, hear my prayer today.............wake me up and help me continue in humble service, with a greater desire for holiness, so your love will be known to all I encounter. Wake up our world and those who lead our nations, so that your light and love will be the example all your children can follow.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. We are blessed with your prayers and your lives.
God bless you and keep you awake and aware of His great love.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Take Me To The Highway

2008-11-13T15:19:00.003-05:00

Paul is waiting to lead the rosary service
at St. Stephen's on the 3rd anniversary
of his accident date.
How far he has come!

Judy and her son, Jerry were there too.
Praise God for their never ending
love and support for our family.
We could not have done it without
them.

Regarding Paul ever driving again, it feels like we have been on back wood trails for way too long. Paul had an eye exam a couple of months ago to test his peripheral vision to make sure it was within the standards set by the state of Georgia. Shepherd Center could not help Paul until they knew he even qualified in visual category. His driving skills were 'rusty' but they told us that he would be able to get additional training to get him back up to good driving skills and quick reaction times. They did not doubt he could master that. We had had seen one opthamologist and he did not have the equipment to do the Goldman test, which is the best way to determine Paul's visual field. After seeing another opthamologist downtown, we waited for them to share the results with Shepherd Center. After many phone calls to each place and finally my tone of voice giving a clue that this whole process was beyond ridiculous, the doctor's office finally provided all the information on the required form and they faxed it to Shepherd Center today. As all of you probably know, customer service is a thing of the past in America. This test of patience that God keeps checking me on, is starting to make me lose my patience! I can see it now. After I die, I will be met at the doors to heaven and St. Peter will tell me that I am being sent back and as a final test of whether I am ready to enter, I will need to go back and get copies of my medical records.

So, with the form filled out, we are working our way out of the woods and to the highway. We are waiting to hear from the Vocational Rehabilitation office (Dept. of Labor) for an appointment for Paul. Don't say it.................I know.............from the frying pan into the fire! A government agency is next on our list. They are supposed to help Paul with the costs of the driving program, which runs about $150/hour and he will need a minimum of 10 hours. We were told that this office will also help Paul with being successful in school and gaining more skills for re-entry to the work force. Paul has been blessed in that area. He is still working part-time at DTSi and he believes he is working quickly and efficiently at the clerical duties he performs. This company has been very kind to Paul by allowing him to return to work when he was ready. He started out with only an hour or two every couple days, and has worked up to around 20 hours/week. Some weeks are not as much due to his school schedule and papers he has to work on. It has been one of the biggest blessings Paul has received. He has been able to work in a place where everyone knows him and what he has been through. He works with people who love him! So wonderful and such a gift from God.

So, once we can meet with a case worker, we can get the driving course started. I am hopeful it will be sooner than later. I know it will do Paul a world of good to get more of his normal life back. It will be such a huge step towards more recovery. He was thrilled when I called him this morning. I was able to catch him before he went into his class. He called me right after it was over to discuss it all some more and to also let me know the grade on his last paper he had to turn in before the final exam essay was a very good one. It was an A. Paul also said he was able to participate a lot in class in the discussions. He does not do as well on pop quizzes and he had one today. He got 3 out of 4 correct, which is a 75%. He did not remember an author's name. His memory is funny. If it is of high interest to him, he will remember the most minute detail forever. With other things, he needs to be told over and over. Very quirky.

Paul did really well on Tuesday at church. He made sure he had a list of everything he needed to do. He led those attending the rosary service in song and read all the scripture passes without a mistake. He was quite happy with himself when it was over. He said he had a great "Happy Life Day" (what we named his 3rd anniversary date) and was really happy his brother's called him. He said Jon told him he would always remember 11/11/05 as the worst and best day of his life. It is a true statement for our family. The blessings definitely out number the difficulties. I am being very honest about that too. We have had some really tough days these last few years. There were times when I was so emotionally and physically drained that I wanted to give up and tell God enough was enough. And there were days that I said it out loud to God! There have been days that I learned just how far down despair can take you - and learned that your body will keep producing tears no matter how long you cry. But there have been far more days where God has sent little signs of His love, His mercy and His light. So many days that brought the love of family, neighbors and friends into our lives just when we needed it. The number of tears I have shed with joy are close to the mortgage bailout figure! I will repeat what I have said. I would not trade this experience in for an easier one because I have begun a journey with God that is hopefully going to bring me out of the woods and onto the highway.

Blessings to all of you,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

ALL FOR THE LOVE OF YOU

2008-11-11T16:14:00.001-05:00

Three years and counting...................

I have to start with great thanksgiving to our God who has graced us with more love, laughter and recovery than I could ever have imagined we would experience since 11/11/05. How the power of pray has moved a mountain! I will never forget those first few months in the hospitals, nor the hours spent wondering where this would take us. We prayed with an intensity we did not know was within us and we were graced with an answer far beyond our hopes. So many prayers sent up to heaven by so many people.....it still amazes us to this day.

Paul is doing well in school in that he understands what is being taught in the classroom. He has participated on a number of occassions and is very happy as he relates how his teacher will agree with him and then expound on Paul's comments. It is interesting that some of Paul's comments are related to his music background and how in depth he remembers his theory. We are still prayerful Paul will rekindle his passion for music. As of now, it is dormant.

We have to help Paul a good deal with his 3-6 page essays that he has written for his class. He understands the material, but has difficulty starting the paper and keeping his thoughts organized. I have been blessed to have as my friend, the mother of another brain injured young man. I have written of her often and we still stay in touch. A month ago we met for lunch and she shared the path that her son has taken since his accident almost 5 years ago. She said that Paul is following the same path in a number of ways and that she too had to help her son a lot in the first 3 semesters he was back in college. He is now in his 5th semester and has taken a full load and is doing everything for himself. He lives in an apartment near the Atlanta rail system and uses that to get to class each day. He lost the sight in one of his eyes, so is not able to drive. But that has not stopped his progress and he is blessed to have a lot of his friends still near him to help him get around. Dee also said that her son was so much more like his old self and that even he realizes he has continued to recover in his mental abilities. She said that they still see improvement in so many ways and for us to remain very optimistic about the future for Paul. Hearing all of this helped me squelch some fears that had cropped up, especially in the area of school. Lately, I felt we had hit a dead end as we saw Paul struggle through this coursework.

I read something recently that reminded me that I have to let it go and trust God is guiding us along. I took a spiritual inventory and realized I am still battling my tendency to 'take control'. I was praying hard for God to help me because I really felt far away from that relationship I had been building upon all this time. I had a real battle going on inside. I would pray for a greater love of God and greater trust, but still felt very empty. I finally called out to God while in Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament -"How long Lord? What do you want from me?" The following week I got an answer.

It was these words from Father Jean-Pierre De Caussade (1751 - a French Jesuit) that helped me:
"I experience impetouous desires of acquiring the gift of prayer, humilty, gentleness, the love of God; to this I reply: Let us not think so much about our own interests. My duty is to occupy myself simply and quietly with God, to accomplish His will in all that He asks of me, at the moment. That is my task; everything else I leave in the care of God; my advancement is His business, as mine is to occupy myself ceaselessly with Him and to execute His orders. It occurs to me that I am still so imperfect, so full of defects and meannesses, of infidelities and weaknesses; how long will it be before I am delivered from these things? I reply at once: by the grace of God I do not love my faults, I am resolved to combat them; but I shall only be delivered from them when it may please God to deliver me. That is His affair, mine is to hate these faults and to fight them with patience, penitence and humility until it pleases God to give me the victory over them. This is what God demands of me; He will give me more light and knowledge when He thinks it well to do so. That is His affair. I have placed all my spiritual progress in His hands."

Pretty much hit the nail on the head, wouldn't you agree? It not only applied to my relationship to God, but also my responsibility to Paul. God will bring to us all that we can handle in the day and we need to wait with patience for the next step. What will be, will be. I am to stand by and take orders from God, not give them...............such a tough lesson for this pitiful soul!

We still see the roller coaster recovery pattern. Paul is in a low spot these days. These are the times when I feel impatient. It is the time where the brain shuts down so he can get some repairs done. He has been very forgetful lately and not quite as sharp in his thought processes. I am not sure how long it will last, but we have been graced with recovery each time.

One huge thing he did was to go on a retreat with the Catholic Students Association at GA State this past weekend. He has been back in touch with the director of the program and has been going to the noon Mass on Tuesdays and Thursdays when he can. Rudy told him about the retreat in the North GA mountains and Paul made the decision to go. He had a very good time and came home exhausted. He tried to tell us all about it on Sunday when we picked him up, but he suddenly said he was too tired to talk. We could tell he was in overload. He was quiet for a little while and then continued to tell us more about it. He stayed a bit sluggish through today. He and Jerry went for a long swim this afternoon to get an "oxygen" fill up in his brain. The aerobic excercises are best for Paul and we felt it would help him a lot. Jerry is on vacation this week, so he hopes to get Paul to the aquatic center at least 2 more times.

Right before the election, our pastor organized a nightly rosary to be said at church. There is so much to pray for in our country and he knows the power of prayer is the answer. Needless to say, there were so many of our friends and parishioners that were so saddened by the outcome of this election, as it relates to the hard work of the Pro-Life movement. Our priest's response is perfect. We have gone almost every night and it brings us so much joy. There is a sign up sheet for people to take charge of leading it each night. They can choose the opening song and then they lead the congregation in the recitation of the rosary and then the Litany of the Blessed Mary. Then they lead us in a closing song. Tonight, Paul has signed up as a way of remembering so many parishioners who came to church one night and prayed specifically for him while he was still in a coma. Our family was shocked and overjoyed at how many people came. Three years later, our family is shocked and overjoyed at how many people are coming every night to pray for our country, for the unemployed and for an end to abortion. A sign for the times that God's truth will be carried from this generation to the next.

As I reflected today on these past 3 years, the title just popped into my head. God's response to His people, our response to God and to all of you who have prayed, our efforts to help Paul recover is summed up in those words. ALL FOR THE LOVE OF YOU. It will be this shared love that will move us through any difficult days ahead. Always and Forever. Praise be to Our Loving Father in heaven.

With much love and gratitude, we keep you in our hearts.
Jon and Rebecca

Power of Prayer

2008-11-03T00:20:00.001-05:00

I have been praying with great fervency as this election day approaches and tonight, as I sat here awake at midnight, it occurred to me that it was the power of so many people's prayers that truly saved our son Paul from death on November 11, 2005. I have never been very public about my political views, but felt called tonight to ask everyone to pray once again for LIFE.

While there are many points of view regarding this election, I believe it is important to speak out when evil tries to prevail in our world. While social justice, capital punishment and the economy are important issues, these become moot points when the very source of life is the battleground. While I have never intended to use this format as anything other than a way to keep everyone updated about the progress of Paul and to ask for continued prayers for his recovery, I cannot stay silent on so important an issue. As I have begged for your prayerful help for these past 3 years, I beg for your prayerful response to end the holocaust taking place each day in America. There is no other way to end abortions than through prayer and fasting. The lives of millions of innocent babies are in our hands and we, a holy people, need to unite as one and pray without ceasing. It is interesting that so divisive an election is taking place in this year of St. Paul. It was this disciple of Jesus who urged his brothers and sisters in Christ to pray without ceasing and that message still holds true today. Please listen to the voice of Jesus in your heart. Vote and pray that America will continue to be One Nation Under God. In a study of St. Paul I learned that to believe in God means to be obedient to God. It is not as easy as it sounds, especially when faced with adversity here on earth. But once again, I have asked myself if my behavior will allow me to hear Jesus say, "Well done faithful servant". I don't believe being silent will help me hear those words when I die. We have to speak for those innocent souls that cannot plead for their lives. Just as I spoke for Paul when he could not ask us to pray for his life, I must speak for these innocent babies. Please pray with all your heart and remember that if we had the faith of a mustard seed, we could move the mountain into the sea. There is still time to cry out to our Father in heaven for this battle to be won. Once again, I plead for your prayers and fasting through election day.

"The fruit of the womb is a reward." Psalm 127:3
"...nor shall you stand by idly when your neighbor's life is at stake. I am the Lord." —Lv 19:16
"If you remain indifferent in time of adversity, your strength will depart from you." —Prv 24:10

Come Holy Spirit and renew the hearts of your people on earth.
God our Father, have mercy us and hear the prayers of the faithful.

In the name of Jesus,
The Fidero Family

GOING OUT OF MY HEAD, OVER YOU

2008-09-30T10:27:00.004-04:00

I have not been able to get much done on this blog, as I have had surgery to repair a rotator cuff tear and a bone spur in my shoulder. I have had very limited movement and can only type with my left hand. I had no idea I was so uncoordinated with my left hand! I have hit my cheek more than once as I try to get my toothbrush into my mouth. I will be more thankful than ever when I get back the full use of my right arm. Praise God for all that works in my body!

Right after the surgery, I was given a nerve block, (administered in my neck) to help with the pain I would experience after the surgery. I did not realize it had deadened my throat also. Later, when I tried to take a sip of water with my medicine, I choked because the water just flowed down my throat before I was able to hold it and then swallow. After I stopped choking, I immediately thought of Paul. I told Jon how awful it must be for Paul, since he still suffers a little bit with this problem. Along with not always being able to control fluids being swallowed, he can taste food only on his right side. He can smell only on his left side. So much we take for granted in our lives! When I saw Paul later in the day, he smiled and said, "And lucky you, you will get your feeling back by tomorrow." I told him I was sorry to assume I knew what it was like for him and he said that he was very glad no one in the family had to know what it is like.

He is so patient about his disabilities, yet sometimes feels very sad he looks so different. He said he misses looking normal and hopes some day there will be a young lady who will look past his facial impairments and will see who he really is. It has really started to make me very sad. We are coming up to 3 years and I do struggle sometimes with the realities with which Paul is left. I hurt for him so much. Amazingly though, God seems to bring some very bright and happy times right behind those moments. He has not forgotten, nor forsaken us. His graces continue to keep us moving forward.

Paul is enjoying college and is working very hard to do well. He had to turn in an essay a few weeks ago and on the day his 2nd essay was due, he got the first one back. He got a 65% on it, which is a D in that class. He was heartbroken. He realized after class that he probably would not do well on the second essay either, since he had not received the first one back in time to know what this professor was looking for. He started to work on the 3rd essay knowing a little more about what he needed to include. (We did not realize there would be so much writing in this class and that is exactly the kind of class we were supposed to stay away from on his first effort back in college. The low grade had Jon and me very concerned. Paul was never a strong writer, unless he was writing about music, so this class is quite a challenge for him. ) Last Tuesday, when Jerry asked Paul what his plans were for the day, Paul said jokingly, “I plan on getting a 98 on my second essay that I am getting back today.” At 11:00 he called me and told me that he actually got a 98% on his essay! He was laughing so hard and was incredulous that the day turned out exactly as he had joked about. He also said he planned on buying a lottery ticket and would win enough money so that he wouldn’t have to take anymore writing classes.

Another amazing thing that day was that they had watched a movie in class that they would be writing about for their 3rd essay. The scene in the movie on which the teacher lectured about was the same scene that Paul had already started to write about. In fact, Paul had his first draft already completed. He went to the teacher after the class to let him know that his first draft of his essay was done and that he didn't want it to look like he had copied the teacher's comments. His paper was saying the same thing. Paul asked if he needed to pick a different scene to write about. ( On a side note, Jerry had ordered this 1931 movie weeks ago so Paul could start to preview it much earlier than the class viewing, so he would have time to write his paper way before it was due.) The teacher told him that he could leave his paper as it was and that there will always be times when the teacher will be discussing the same material as a student may be writing about. The class is the history of international cinematography, with the emphasis on the shooting of the film rather than the content. Paul has been very good at seeing the symbolism and has understood that film, like music, tells a story without using words. His writing skills are more limited than before, so we proof read the essays and help him with words that would help him articulate his thoughts better. He has a dictionary/thesaurus handy and has been good about deciding what would sound better. On his 3rd essay he started emailing his papers to his brother, Jon, who is an excellent writer. Jon sent it back with suggestions on areas where Paul needed to explain in more detail or needed to organize his thoughts better. The computer does most of the spell/grammar check, so that was not needed as much. Paul spells very well, but has a limited knowledge of the meaning of words. He can use them in sentences easier than defining the words, when we drill him on different words each day. He also doesn't do as well at committing them to memory unless that is what he specifically sets out to do. With all the writing he is now doing, he doesn't spend much time on memorizing words like before. We have noticed though, that he is using better words to articulate his thoughts. Paul has received his third paper back and was given a 100%. His joy was immense and it has really helped him stay excited about the class. He has 2 more essays and an 8 page mid term and 10 page final exam left. A high mountain to climb, but Paul has been graced by God with what is needed at this time.

Like everything else in our world these days, nothing stays the same. Changes happen in an instant. Our country is experiencing some really tough changes as I write. One moment we are a stable economic power in the world and the next, we realize we are very vulnerable. We so easily start to take things for granted or get used to the patterns in our daily lives. In the whole scheme of things, we are reminded that even the most catastrophic events are just a blip on the screen in God’s universe. God uses these huge events and even the miniscule events of our personal lives to remind us of who is in charge. While I became very concerned and consumed about so many of these world events, the upcoming elections, the economy, the almost total lack of gasoline in our city, I was yanked back into my own little world once again. With all the hurricanes and other huge events going on, we had not been paying as good attention to Paul’s physical well being. It's amazing how we can get caught up in things totally out of our control and lose sight of what is in front of us. Paul has been saying his stomach/intestinal system has been upset. It has been on and off since August. He has missed a couple days of work due to his feeling poorly, but there hasn't been any other symptoms. We have been so preoccupied with his school and the world events, we didn't even notice Paul has lost 11-12 lbs.

On Sunday afternoon, Paul complained of a really bad headache. It was worse than he has had for a long time. We stayed with him late into the evening and then first thing Monday morning, he called and said his stomach really hurt. Immediately, I realized these were signs of a possible shunt malfunction. One thing that encouraged me was that his head was not aching like the day before. It was so strange to be back in the ‘emergency care mode’. After calling the doctor’s office, I realized I did not have enough gas to get to Charlotte if we needed to go. I checked on Paul and told him I would be back soon. I went in search of gas and after traveling to the next town over, I got in line and knew it was going to be almost an hour before I reached the pump. As I sat there, I was thinking about Paul and praying he would not need surgery. The words, ’hang in there Paul, I’ll be back soon’ came into my head and I started to cry. I used to say those words over and over as I would drive home from the hospital right after his accident. All those emotions came over me like a huge wave. It all felt worse when the gas station closed and I had to leave without getting gas. I was driving back towards our house because I didn’t want to leave Paul alone in case he really needed me. I was almost home and decided to go past our neighborhood to see if one of the gas stations a mile away had some gas. Amazingly, one had just opened and there were only 3 lines of cars, 4-5 cars deep. I pulled into line, thanking God for the help. I had sat there about 10 minutes, calling Jon to let him know I had found gas. Then the attendant came out to my car and told me that if I went around the building, there was an open pump on the opposite side. Out of all those people in line, he told me and it saved me some time. God is so loving and He hears us always.

As I pumped gas into the car, I talked to God about my huge concerns. I felt so overwhelmed with all the troubles in our country, my concerns about who might get elected and how it will affect us, how difficult this gas situation is, how sad I was that Paul is not well again. He got the full litany. As my gas tank filled, so was I. I was gently reminded that I am to take care of what is in my pathway. Since I don't have enough campaign funds to currently run for president, nor am I an economist by trade, I don't have a lot of imput other than to show up at the voting booth in November. Those are not my jobs to handle. It appears even those professionals haven't been able solve the problems. So, since I am a Catholic mother who is out of work on disability, I have been graced with extra time on my hands. I am to pray without ceasing for those who are in positions of leadership, pray for the graces our world needs to do God’s will, pray for my family while tending to their needs and continue to closely monitor Paul’s recovery. Pay attention to God’s promptings, Rebecca.

Paul has seen the doctor in town and they will first test for a parasite. I left a message with the neurosurgeon’s office and am waiting to hear back from them. Paul’s head was only at a pain level of 2 and his stomach still hurts today, but he went to school. Jerry took him so that I could keep my gas tank full in case we need to have the shunt tested in Charlotte. Looks like I have even more time to pray today, so I will start at the top of the litany I voiced to God yesterday.

God bless all of you in all ways. Take comfort knowing that God is still in charge, no matter what is going on in this small planet earth. Everything is truly His. Thanks be to God for that!

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

ATTENTION!

2008-09-17T16:52:00.000-04:00

QUANTICO, VA
GRADUATION WEEKEND
JAMES FIDERO
USMC OFFICER CANDIDATE SCHOOL

FIRST HUG IN 12 WEEKS!

50TH HUG!

Paul, James, Jon,
Aunt Mary Beth, James
and his newly adopted
brother, Darvy!

Michael gets a joyous hug from
his Godmother, Aunt Mary Beth.

James and his brothers
checking out the USMC
national museum. Very
awesome place.

James ( in the middle)
about to take his oath
at the graduation
ceremony. No going
back after this point!

Group hug from
his brothers.

A very happpy moment
in our lives.
God is so good.

Jon could not have been
more proud of James
and this says it all.
James said he was able
to complete the extremely
tough course because he
wanted to make his dad
proud of him. Mission
accomplished James.

Time for everyone to
pin on a gold bar on
James, to show his officer

level - 2nd Lt.

Shining those gold bars!
Jon looks like a marine with
his haircut. He liked the
cost of the cut at the base - $7.00!

James and Jon Augustine

(who had on a marine t-shirt)

Jon and Marie played a huge
role in keeping James' morale
up. They visited him on
weekends, which helped so
much.

2nd Lt James Fidero

James ready to get some R & R off

base! Paul is so proud of his little
brother and sent him letters

encouraging him to keep himself
centered in Jesus. If it was God's
will, he would find the grace to
finish. God's will be done.

Summer's End

2008-08-25T01:10:00.001-04:00

Summer's End, but new beginnings.

I cannot believe it is the end of August.

I have wanted to write so often during this Summer, but have been so busy the time has slipped away from me. I am sorry I have abandoned this blog. Truly I am. A lot has happened in these last 3 months, so I will go back and catch everyone up. I have to admit that I have missed writing more than you will know. Our lives have been filled to the brim all during the Summer. Apparently, we are back to ‘normal’.

We just got back from Quantico, Virginia, where we attended the graduation / commissioning ceremony of James into the Marine Corp. Along with the news of the graduation, the other big news is that Paul flew for the first time since the accident. He was cleared for take off !

It was a very long 10 weeks for James and also for us. He was allowed to talk to us on weekends, and each week brought more news of the tough struggle he was experiencing. Each week he told us he knew this was what he really wanted to do, but he was not sure they wanted him. It is a very grueling program that challenged him physically, academically and mentally and where 40% of the candidates left on their own, or were asked to leave the program. I prayed often and with great fervency that if it was God’s will, James would be able to complete the program. It was his dream since grade school, where he spent hours and hours drawing tanks, airplanes and battle scenes. While I don’t relish the thought of my son going into battle, I prayed that if it was God’s will, then so be it. I have read recently about Pope Benedict’s writings about how we, as the laity of the church, are to take Jesus with us into our workplaces, no matter where that is. The work of the laity is not just within the church, but more importantly, out in the world. Jesus went out into the world and he sent his apostles out into the world, to bring glory to God our Father. I spent this Summer praying that all my sons would be led to their highest good, no matter the path. It is a prayer I will continue to my dying day.

We all worked long and hard hours this Summer , but Michael won the award for most hours worked. He put in 79 hour weeks, with only one weekend off. He had set a goal to make a certain amount of money so he would have enough to pay for school and also not have to work during the Fall semester. He is on the cross country team and will be putting in long hours training and studying. He attained his goal and like James, is about 15 lbs. lighter! Wish I could say the same…………….

Paul has continued improving in many ways. He is so much better about remembering what needs to be done and is taking care of his own needs. At the beginning of the Summer, we started to let Paul drive around town to help improve his driving skills. He was going to be tested at the end of July by Shepherd Center. He was really looking forward to gaining more independence. I was a tough critic, as I didn’t want him back out on the road when he wasn’t fully prepared or capable. He was patient with all my instructions and remembered things I told him each day. That is what I was most impressed with - his remembering so many things from day to day. His brain really does seem to keep improving.

Jon took him to the eye doctor to get his permission for Paul to continue the testing process. We were told that Paul’s cornea has some damage, although it is very minor. It has affected his vision and so Paul now is wearing glasses. It is serving a more important purpose and that is the protection of his eye. Paul got glasses that will darken once he is outside. That way, he doesn’t need to keep up with sunglasses. His pupil in his left eye is permanently dilated, so that is why he is so sensitive to the sun. These new glasses look great and he has enjoyed all the compliments he’s received!

Paul was tested in depth before he was allowed to drive. He scored in the normal range on all of them. He was taken out to drive and since Shepherd is in downtown Atlanta, that is where the driving test occurred. He had to drive their car, which as a Grand Marquis. Paul drove for an hour on the city streets and the freeway. After his driving test, the counselor went over the results with Paul and Jon. She said that she feels Paul’s vision is a hindrance and that he seemed ‘rusty’. Not exactly rocket science……………we know why! She said she was not failing him, but she was not passing him either. She said he would be tested again, and if he could not pass, would have to work through a vocational program to regain his ability to drive. Jon and I have watched Paul drive and felt she was very critical in her assessment. Also, she said she would see if the doctor would allow Paul to practice as long as we were in the car. She said she didn’t think he should do that and that he should sit as a passenger and observe us driving. I unfortunately was not there. I would have responded that no one becomes a better tennis player by watching! It is not that I am looking forward to seeing Paul drive again. I am very frightened at the prospect - it is a natural response after what we have been through. But I have driven with Paul a lot and he does very well. I w ill readily admit he was not ready for downtown driving and freeway driving, and in a Grand Marquis! I would not have driven well in a Grand Marquis! Our downtown streets are very narrow and Jon and I both hate driving there. One reason we wanted to help Paul get permission to drive was for him to be able to drive the 4 miles to work and back. There is a bus stop a block from his office and he could have used it to get to his class on Tuesday and Thursday. The bus goes near the university downtown and it would have been the perfect way for him to get to school and work. He was looking so forward to the freedom of getting to work and to go to the store for his personal things. I prayed that if it was truly safe, that it would happen.

And we got our answer. Paul has been very disappointed and was actually depressed for days afterward. We are looking for a psychologist to help Paul work through some of the emotions this has brought about. He has finally gained more awareness about his disabilities and has started to talk about his appearance and how it makes him feel. While I don’t want him to suffer from it, I know that it is progress for him. He hasn’t really talked a lot about the way his face looks. Now he does. He talks about that and also how he wants his constant headache to go away and he wants his eyelid to blink again and he wants to look normal. He said he wonders why God didn’t just bring him home. His brain is healing and his awareness is awakening. There is a tough road ahead. But I have to believe that God will help him and we will work diligently to find the help he will need to work through all those emotions that are surfacing.

If anyone is still reading this, please pray for his continued strength to accept the pathway God has set before him. It has been a long walk and he is coming to some forks in the road.
We will continue to get the help he needs to regain some independence in driving. We at least will fight to keep him driving while we are with him. That is the only way he will keep up his skills. We would like to see the doctor give him permission to drive within a 5 mile radius. That would get him anywhere he would really need to go. I will leave it in God’s hands and His time. As always. We are helping Paul understand and accept that God knows best. He does not need to be driving before he is truly ready. Oh, that virtue patience…………………….hard, hard, hard to attain.

Paul started classes at GA State University and I took him his first day. I told him I was going to walk way behind him, as I wanted to see how he would make his way around, but not be an embarrassment to him. He said he didn’t mind me being there at all, but I told him that it was good for him to just jump in and do what he wanted. He knew I was near if he needed help, but that he was on his own to handle the day. He remembered to give his disability paperwork to the professor right after class. He took notes during the class and was able to talk about what the professor said. He remembered so much and even noticed things I did not. Paul has always noticed the very small details and that is still his way. He knew the way to the Marta station, where he bought a month’s pass so he can use the railway system to get to school. It is a lot farther for us to drive to get him there and back, but it will work for him. He found the bookstore and purchased his textbooks. As he was walking back to our car, he saw someone he knew. It was Rudy. They met through the Catholic Youth Ministry on campus and had traveled to Steubenville University to hear Scott Hahn speak. Rudy recognized Paul right away and when Paul asked him if he remembered him, Rudy said yes and told him he had come to visit him while he was in a coma. Rudy told him too, that he had so many people praying for him. Paul said, “Well, it looks like they helped.” They talked for a bit and Rudy reminded Paul that Mass was at 12:15 every day in the student union. Paul continued to make his way around campus and remembered where everything was. His spirits were very high and he was having a great time. On our way home, he was very talkative and excited about being back at school. The disappointment of not being able to drive seemed to diminish greatly. Paul had a new experience and he was happy to see some of his normal life come back. There was a young lady who came up to him and told him that she new his brother Michael and asked him if he was the brother who had had the accident. I stood back and let them talk. On our way home, I told Paul that she had mentioned a couple of times that she lived with her parents in Lilburn and he looked at me and said, “ I should have asked her her name! She lives near us. C’mon Paul, where’s your head at ?”

We went over the textbooks with Paul and I talked to Jon in private about how this was going to be a tough class for Paul. It was exactly the kind of class we were told he should avoid on his first attempt at school. It was going to require a lot of reading and writing a number of papers. He would be required to contact principals of schools to get permission to sit in on 2 different classes with 2 different teachers and observe the teaching methods and then write his critique. Jon talked to Paul about it and he said he was a little worried about it. Jon said he would help him and they started to review the coursework. The books used were from an extremely liberal bias and Paul started to realize how slanted the perspective was. Both he and Jon started to realize the agenda the books were promoting and Jon told Paul that while he thought a teaching degree was awesome, Paul should really think about getting one from a Catholic university. The more they talked, the more Jon felt this class was totally an inappropriate perspective. Paul agreed and said that if he were to stay true to his faith background and wrote his answers that way, he would be sure to fail.

I looked over the material and was appalled at the extreme slant of these textbooks. While we are to take Jesus out into our world and try to bring the Glory to God, this is not the time for Paul to battle an extremely liberal agenda. He spent the rest of that evening and the next finding another class. We told him to do the research and we were there for help if he needed it. He found a class he can use as an elective in his degree program. He chose a class on the introduction of Film techniques that contrasts the different styles of directors worldwide. Paul changed out the classes online and attended class alone on Thursday. He was able to exchange his textbooks and did not lose any money. He also updated his student ID card and tried to find his new textbook. He called to tell me to try to find it on Half.com as the bookstore was sold out. He also told me he had met up with a room mate from his freshman year! His friend had joined the Air Force and was now back at school after serving the time. They had lunch and went back to the new dorms so Paul could see them. Paul was down at school from 7:45 AM until 3:30 PM! He did not call me other than to say he needed me to find the book if I could. He had a terrific day and was able to tell us in detail all that the teacher had talked about. I had ordered his textbook and had it overnighted since Paul had 60 pages to read by Tuesday. As of tonight, he had read them. He has written notes and is ready for class. He was telling Jon and me that he was talking to his best friend, Jonathan, and told him about the class. He said he joked around about how he decided to “bite the bullet and tackle school again by taking a solid 3 unit class …….yep, I am handling a full load!” Paul’s humor is still with him and we enjoy it immensely.

As the school semester begins, I am going to get back to my blog. I feel like God blessed me with this gift of writing down my thoughts and I derive so much joy from it. I have had so many moments where I wanted to share what I heard and saw, moments where I could connect the happenings of the day to God’s love and mercy. Thanks be to God, I have had this time tonight.
For anyone who ever checks back to this site again, know that I am praying for you always. I will carry all the prayer warriors in my heart every day I live.

Peace always, in our loving Savior, Jesus Christ.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

As always, pictures will follow. So many great ones to share!

Ave Maria Graduation Day Pictures

2008-05-28T08:15:00.001-04:00

Paul was playing his guitar and
was very absorbed in it. He is
playing just about as well as he
used to. He enjoys his electric guitars
a lot more than his classical -
he will play for long periods of
time without even knowing someone
is in the room. I thank God he still
has his talent. It is a wonderful gift.

Jon and his son, Jon

There was lots of laughter and joking
around as we all got ready to go
to the graduation. James and Paul
were in high gear, just like so many
times before. It was a very
memorable time for me, so
I had to grab the camera to capture
another one.

Marie, Jon and James
I know I am correct when I
say that Marie played a very
important role in helping James
graduate from Ave Maria. She is
his friend, a big sister and a great
counselor. She has been and continues
to be there for him. She is a blessing
to our family!

Not too anxious to leave....................
James is entering Officer Candidate
School (Marines) this Thursday, 5/29
at 3:00 PM. That will be the Divine
Mercy Hour - Icould not have planned
it better myself!

How I love my sons!

Jon and his 4 sons
He could not have been
any more proud of them
than he was that day!

Jon, Paul and Dr. Dauphinais,
AssociateProfessor of Theology
and Dean of Faculty. He told us that a couple of his
relatives read the blog (surprised me!)
We sat with him at lunch - we were filled with far greater
knowledge, along with delicious food!
It was an immensely enjoyable
time.

Marie, baby Jon, Jon, Fr. Fessio
and Paul. We will always consider
it an honor to have met Fr. Fessio.
He is a wonderful and holy priest-
a true blessing to the students at
Ave Maria.

All of us after the graduation
It was one of the warmest days
ever! I know the graduates were
roasting in their cap and gowns!

These bricks were purchased by Jon and Marie
(ours was a gift!) and are about 20 feet outside
the front doors of the church, not very far from
each other. It brought great jot to see these.

Ain't No Mountain High Enough

2008-05-23T10:29:00.001-04:00

On May 9th, we witnessed an event that could be termed 'Full Circle'.

This story began on 11/11/05, as you all know. Word got out very quickly that we needed prayers. Lots of prayers -for strength to endure, for great trust in God, for understanding, for hope, and for Paul's life. What amazed us immediately was the response to our calls for prayers.
God blessed our family with a connection to Ave Maria University through our sons, Jon and James. The students and faculty immediately began praying and Masses were said for our intentions. We heard that friends of James made posters that were put up in doorways around the campus that said "Got 5 minutes? Pray for Paul Fidero's life" and "Pray for John Paul's intercession for a miracle. It will take a miracle to save Paul Fidero's life." There was a prayer that was written by some students and it was a prayer to Pope John Paul II, asking for his prayerful intercession. It was placed in the Adoration Chapel so that anyone who was there would be praying for Paul. These students also had a sign up sheet for anyone who could spend an hour in the Adoration Chapel, in prayer for Paul and we heard that it was filled up with names immediately. We had 24 hour prayers being said for Paul and our family. It was the knowledge of this outpouring of love through prayer, that held up our faith and trust in God. No matter what happened, we knew God would be there.

Fast forward to May 9th, 2008. Jon, Paul and I were sitting in the new church on the new campus of Ave Maria University. We were waiting for the Baccalaureate Mass to begin. We had arrived on campus about an hour early so we could see this beautiful town of Ave Maria. We made our way to the church and sat down to wait. (A real miracle was that we actually got there with so much time to spare. Anyone who knows us can vouch that we are always 10 minutes late to everything!) I was glad we got there early so that I could spend some quiet time in prayer. After about 15 minutes, a woman came up and asked us if we could help her put out the programs in the first section of pews, which were reserved for the students and faculty. She said she was running very late and really needed some help. After we were finished, she asked us our names and when we told her, she stepped back and looked up at Paul. She told him she knew who he was and that she knew his brothers, James and Jon. She said she was happy to meet him and glad to see he was doing so well.

We took our seats and continued to wait for the Mass to begin. About a half hour later, my son Jon, his wife Marie and our beautiful grandson came and sat by us. I had not seen them since Jon Augustine's Baptism in January, so of course, this was a joyous moment for me. I was so overwhelmed with the knowledge that all my family was around me and we were so blessed to be celebrating so many things in that weekend. It was my son Jon's birthday, James was graduating and it was also Mother's Day on Sunday. To say I was joyous would be an understatement! The graduating class processed in and Mass began. It was after I received the Body of Christ and I was praising God for all the gifts I was receiving, that the next thought came into my head. It was THIS graduating class, these friends of James, who put up all the posters for Paul, who got the message out to people all over the country and other countries through family and friends, who organized 24 hour prayers for our family! And on this day, Paul had been asked to place their programs on their pews - he was able to take a tiny part in helping to celebrate a very special day in their lives! Coincidence that we got to the church an hour early? Coincidence that Mercedes asked Paul, Jon and I to help? Coincidence that Paul touched the programs they would hold in their hands? As my daughter in law, Marie, said so long ago - "Coincidence? I think not. It is GODINCIDENCE!"

As this realization came to mind, the tears literally poured down my cheeks. I had brought some tissues, but it became clearly evident I did not bring enough! The boys were giving me funny looks, wondering what was wrong with me! I have tears in my eyes just remembering that day, as I sit here and write. I remember looking out at those bright young faces, at the parents who raised these incredible young men and women and the holy priests who had helped prepare my sons for this world and I wanted to shout out "I love you and I thank you." I know James and my family are greatly relieved that I did not do that..............smile.

BUT FOR EVERYONE WHO IS READING THIS BLOG -

I LOVE YOU AND I THANK YOU!!

We reached that milestone on the pathway of your prayers and through the Grace of God.

While we were at Ave Maria, I got to meet the parents of Racheal Dunleavy, who have written so many uplifting comments on the blog and Anne Shea. I was also very blessed to meet the Kilian Family. Their daughter Shannon and another young lady (I am sorry I don't know her name) drove up from Florida a few days after the accident, to pick up James and take him back to school so he could take his exams. It is a 9-10 hour drive and they drove up, then turned around and drove back. It was a great act of kindness and sacrifice. This also was the beginning of a beautiful friendship between James and Shannon. While they continue to discern God's will in their lives, they are pursuing their careers with the FBI (Shannon was accepted into an internship) and U.S. Marines (James begins Officer Candidate School 5/29).

We also got to speak with Fr. Fessio, who was a spiritual advisor to us through our son Jon. When we were being advised by the medical team to let Paul die peacefully and not put in the trach-tube, Jon had asked Fr. Fessio for his advice and he told us that it was way too soon to be making those kinds of decisions and to proceed with all the life supporting helps Paul needed. We were standing outside of the church, recounting how the doctor told us there was less than 1% chance of hope and how I had blessed and prayed for the doctor behind his back as I followed him into the room, asking Jesus to open his heart. I told Fr. Fessio that this was the very doctor who found Paul awake the day after Thanksgiving. It was exactly 2 weeks after his accident. The nurses told us the doctor was so surprised and he had had tears in his eyes when he realized Paul had come out of his coma. Fr. Fessio listened and as he looked at Paul, he too had to wipe tears away. We thanked him for his trust in God and his holy counsel to our family.

Interestingly, the gospel on the day of the Baccalaureate Mass was from the Gospel of John 21:15-19. I have remembered this scripture passage many times over after hearing Fr. Sudac (from Croatia) speak about it. It is where Jesus asks Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?' Simon Peter answered him, 'Yes, Lord, You know that I love you.' Jesus said to him, 'Feed my lambs." Jesus asks Peter 3 times if he loves him and 3 times, Peter answers, "Yes Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus does not reprimand Peter for denying Him 3 times before His Crucifixion. Instead, Jesus asks him 3 times if Peter loves Him.
In our of our failings and sinfulness, Jesus really wants to know, "Do you love me?" If we say yes, it means we understand we belong to Jesus and He in turn will say again, "Follow me". We are being asked to stay close to Him, to learn from Him. We cannot be perfect as He is perfect. But we can work hard to love Him, the Trust in Him, to FOLLOW HIM.
The Way of Jesus will take us to Calvary. It is through prayer that we have our hope that we will persevere and not deny Him. It is through prayer that when we fall, we will continue to get back up and Follow Him.

It is through the shared prayers we have for each other that we have the hope of seeing each other in heaven some day. It is through the shared prayers for each other that there is truly no mountain high enough, to keep us from Loving HIM.

God's great peace and blessing to all of you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

(It was taking too long to get the pictures downloaded for this posting - I have to get to work! I will get them on tonight. Thanks for your patience!)

On The Border

2008-05-06T09:06:00.001-04:00

I will preface this by saying I may have shared this story before, but I feel it is even more relevant today.

When I was 23 years old, I was living in Houston, TX. I was not attending Mass very much and not surprisingly, felt very aimless and undecided about what I wanted to do with my life. Some friends had moved to LaJolla, California and told me how beautiful it was there. I had always wanted to move back out West after living in Utah during my teenage years. I missed the mountains and climate so much. While I didn’t know much about California, it was in the direction I always wanted to go. Houston was just too flat and hot for me. I had nothing to tie me down to Houston, so I finished out my lease at my apartment, and packed my belongings into my Toyota and started driving.

I remember the empty feeling I had inside of me as I started. I knew something was missing. I knew what it was, but facing the truth was really hard. It was during that first day of driving that I started a long talk with God. Texas is a very big state, and it took me 14 hours to get to El Paso. It was in Texas I had my ‘Come to Jesus’ meeting. I talked out loud almost all day long, with intermittent crying and laughing. I had a lot on my mind and I was desperate for answers. I wondered how I had lost my relationship with God. I had had 12 years of Catholic schools. I dwelled on it in those hours and realized I had allowed that formation to be whittled away very slowly. By the end of that blessed day, I was praying very hard that I would be able to find my way back. As I fell asleep that night, I was emotionally and physically drained, but so excited with the anticipation of reaching my journey’s end the next day.

I got up at 6:00 AM and was ready to go 30 minutes later. It was a beautiful, albeit, hot August morning. I got to Tucson by noon and the desert lay ahead of me. I was suddenly very worried about making it all the way through the desert. I asked the gas station attendant about any suggestions he had regarding a successful trip across the desert at ‘high noon’. He said my timing was not great, but he gave me a couple of gallons of water to keep in the car and told me to run my heater on low all the way across. He also suggested that I get a few drinks for myself. I bought 2 very tall glasses of lemonade and an extra glass filled with ice. I opened the windows and began the trip, traveling no more than 50-55 mph to keep the engine from overheating.

My conversation with God continued, alternating between thanking Him for the grace of this new beginning with Him and begging for protection as I drove down the freeway that had very little traffic. Surely, He would not let me perish, now that I had found Him again! Late in the afternoon, I saw dark clouds on the horizon. I was a bit worried about how dark they were, but at the same time, relieved that rain would come and cool both me and my car. Another hour passed and the darkness had grown taller on the horizon and I was straining very hard to see what that darkness was. It really didn’t look like clouds anymore. After awhile, I shouted out loud, “those are mountains!” I had California in sight. At this point, I told God that if I didn’t make it all the way, I had to thank Him for this last view of the mountains in the distance.

We are at the border, my dear brothers and sisters in Christ. Paul’s results of his neuro-pyche test were given to us late yesterday afternoon and at 23 years of age, he is at the border of our ‘Trip to California’. The doctor asked Paul how well he thought he did. Paul said that he felt he did fairly well. The doctor told him he was right. The therapists had all seen the results and were very happy and surprised with some of the outcomes. Since they saw him last, which was in October, he had made even more recovery. The neuropsychologist went over all the categories and told us that Paul’s IQ was intact, his effort ability was intact, his moods were not affected, and his problem solving / reasoning skills were also intact. There were about 20 categories she discussed, which she listed as either strengths or weaknesses. Those that were lined up on the ‘strengths’ side were the ones we would want to see there. They would serve Paul very well. Those listed as weaknesses (which are actually ‘impairments’) could be helped by Paul’s strengths. He is impaired in the area of reading - he reads more slowly now. He understands what he reads, but is below average in speed. He has a mild impairment in his ability to pay attention to fine detail. He was not able to remember a complex pattern in as great a detail as others in his age group. His memory is not as good with abstract items. They gave him 10 random words to remember and he did not do as well. But when he was given a story with a lot of little details, he did very well remembering the facts/details of the story. He was also able to give the overall concept of the story. So, when dealing with facts or figures, he will need to learn to put it in a kind of structure to help him retain it in memory. He has enough strengths to do ‘work arounds’. His executive thinking skills are intact. His visual and auditory skills are intact. There are a lot of medical terms for these categories, which I don’t remember right now, but overall the sentence that stuck out for all of us was, “ Paul should be very successful at his attempt to finish college.” He will work through the disabilities office, which will provide him the extra help to be successful in his school work. He will be allowed to have things like a recorder in the classroom, or a note-taker, be given a bit more time to take tests (due to his reading slower) and things of that nature. He will be protected by the Disabilities Act. I remember when that came about, and it didn't pertain to me, so I didn't have much interest in it. Amazing how God moves us along.

The next part made Paul even more happy. The neurophysiologist told him she was signing off on her portion and was giving approval for driver training to begin. He will be allowed to start the driver training program at the downtown Shepherd Center . There are 3 portions which have to be approved - first the neurophysiologist (check…..smile), then Paul’s opthamologist and then Dr. Kaelin, the doctor who worked with Paul at the beginning when Paul was admitted to Shepherd Center. He has been overseeing Paul’s care through Shepherd Pathways. While it is not a done deal, Paul may be driving in the next 6 months. It is a fine goal, to be sure. As you can imagine, I am not as interested in the driving part….smile. But it was so wonderful seeing Paul’s face as the doctor was going over all his results. He was so nervous throughout the meeting. He kept picking at his fingernails, yet seemed oblivious to that action. At one point, when the doctor turned around to face the chalk board, Paul looked at me, face beaming, and gave a ‘thumbs up’ sign. How appropriate that action was. He had begun this whole journey, having learned to use that sign to communicate with us and yesterday, it spoke volumes.

After Mass this morning, someone came up to me to let me know that in the Magnificat prayer book they had read that Saint Avertinus was the patron saint for those who suffer from headaches and dizziness. His feast day is on Monday, May 5th. A fine day indeed!

“I am the beginning and the end of all things. I have met death, but I am alive, and I shall live for eternity, alleluia.” (Rev 1:17-18)

“Make us know the shortness of our life, that we may gain wisdom of heart.” (Ps 90:12)

We are going to see James graduate from Ave Maria University this weekend. Paul will be able to meet so many of the young people who were praying 24 hours a day in the months following his accident. I pray that each one of these young people do not lose sight of God, as I did all those years ago. May their devotion to prayerfulness remain ‘intact’, to carry them To the Border.

“You are precious in my eyes.” (Is 43:4)

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Exam Week

2008-04-23T08:07:00.001-04:00

This past Saturday I received a package in the mail. It was from my cousin Harry's wife, Sharon. She wrote that she has kept up with the blog and after reading the posting about Lourdes, she decided to send us something they have had in their home for awhile. They had been to Lourdes, France years ago and she had a bottle of Lourdes water on her mantle. She said she knew that someday she would know who to give it to. They are preparing to move across the country to California and as she was packing, she came across the bottle of Holy Water. Since she had recently read about my desire to get Paul to Lourdes, she knew she wanted Paul to have it.

Jon and I were sitting on our front porch when the mail was delivered. We had been enjoying the incredibly beautiful Spring day and were watching the birds feeding at our 2 feeders. It was a perfect day to receive so perfect a gift! I was so incredibly surprised and touched by the gift. After we blessed ourselves, we decided that we would bless Paul with the water each day as we prayed a 9 day novena to Our Lady of Lourdes.

The timeliness could not be more significant either. Tomorrow, Paul will finally take the neuro-psych evalutaion at Shephard Pathways. We have not been able to schedule it before now because of his intense headaches. last year. It is a 7 hour day of testing and Paul had to be able to endure that schedule. With his headaches and the unpredictablity of his feeling well for prolonged periods of time, we did not want to have them administer the test until we knew he would have a better chance of doing well. The test can be given once a year, as that is all the insurance company will pay for. It is a very costly test and that is why we have waited so long. It was all about the headaches. Paul has been doing so well with the level of pain that we knew it was time to get this valuable assessment completed. It will be used to help determine his needs in college or if he is actually able to do that. Since we have him registered for college, this will help us know if he can be successful. They can use the results to pin point areas of deficiency and also areas of strength. The results will be shared with the college disability department so they can assist Paul in any special needs he will have.

Paul has been very excited about taking this test. He is not showing any signs of stress over it. He has prayed that he will not have too severe a headache. If he does, we will have to cancel it. We have prayed this novena to Our Lady of Lourdes and have blessed Paul each day as we get closer. We have been working with Paul in the area of reading comprehension, increased vocabulary and usage, and math. He has been excercising regularly at the fitness center. I have noticed that he does so well on the days after he excercises. It seems to prove the information I read about increased aerobic activity helps brain functions. I am sure that the increased oxygen to the brain is extremely beneficial to his well being. Not rocket science! We worked out last night and will be there again tonight to do mostly aerobic workouts to help him be ready in all ways.

There is nothing more we can do for him other than to leave it in God's hands. Only God knows where Paul is going and your prayers have certainly helped him reach the levels of competency and spirituality that he now enjoys. We thank you all for your continued prayers. There are a number of days that I know were helped by the outpouring of your love and prayers! There have been some really tough times. We found a 'schedule' of Paul's from about a year ago. It was for him to follow each day to gain more independence and discipline and purpose each day. It went something like this:
7:30 - wake
7:45 - shower
8:15 - eat breakfast/ take medicine
8:45 - rest
9:30 - go to work
10:30- eat snack, drink water/ take medicine
11:30 - get picked up from work
11:45 - rest
12:45 - lunch / take medicine
1: 15 - take Abby for a walk down the street
1:45 - rest
2:30 - drink water / eat snack
3:00 - email a friend or read
3:45 - rest
4:15 - set table
5:00 - eat dinner / take medicine
6:00 - help with dishes
6:30 - rosary
7:00 - read/watch tv
8:00 - sleep

We are light years beyond that schedule! He gets himself up, goes to weekly adoration at 5 a.m., fixes his lunch (which could include more veggies/fruit...........you can lead a horse to water........), schedules his own fun acitivities, reads, writes summaries of what he has read, goes to work for 5 - 6 hours each day, helps with the dishes, does his laundry (after his closet floor fills up....... he definitely has too many shirts, socks and briefs......), walks his dog, goes to the fitness center, shops on line for lots of various things (a favorite!), pays his own bills and keeps track of his checking account. He lives full time at Jerry's, helps with the trash, feeds his dog every day, works on cognitive skills on-line, still loves to play Solitaire and Hearts on-line..............he has very full days and there is no rest time scheduled anymore. He stays up until 10-11 PM every night and is up at 7:30, ready to go by 8:30 AM. He calls me almost every morning to make sure I am ready!! He has periods of great discipline, and then some periods where we have to push him really hard. We can tell when he is in a down period - seems lethargic and not totally focused on his responsibilities. They are more pronounced than they would be for us. There does not seem to be much we can do about it. We have seen these down times last for almost a month. Other times it is only for a few days. Then there is renewed energy and focus and he is back up and running. Very cyclical and very slow progress. Praise God, there is progress.

God is good. Very good. And God is love. I am overwhelmed by how much love He has poured out on us. Praise be His Holy Name. I cannot do Him any justice with words. But I now know my life depends 100% on Him. I am nothing without His love. I pray so fervently that His will be done in my life. I pray so fervently that our world will ask the same for themselves. It is a tough lesson to learn and it is very cyclical and very slowly learned. But I have seen progress. There has been much growth in these past 2 1/2 years. I guess you could say it has been 'Exam Years' for me!! Lots of tests, with varying results. Prayerful perseverance is getting us there.

Love to all and peace of Christ to you in this wonderful 5th week of Easter. May you all be healed in any way needed, through the intercession of Our Lady of Lourdes.

I will get the results of Paul's test posted as soon as we learn about them.

Jon and Rebecca
ps - Thank you so much Sharon. We are treasuring your gift. God bless you for thinking of Paul.

Pot of Stew

2008-04-04T08:42:00.000-04:00

Jon has said more than once that if I am not worrying, I will be dead. While I have not written in a long time, it is not because I am dead. I have been ‘stewing’.

With today’s Gospel, I was fed. It is the story of the miracle of the 5 barley loaves and 2 fish feeding thousands of people who had gathered to hear Jesus speak. But right before Monsignor Tally started to read the Gospel, my mind was still ‘stewing’ . I was going over all the things I needed to get done and was stressed over how I would accomplish all the tasks that were lined up for this day. I had my Magnificat daily prayer book in my hand and had it opened to the page of today’s Gospel. I thought to myself that I had not opened this month’s edition and flipped back to the beginning to see the listing of all the saints whose feasts would be celebrated in April. Then I was flipping back to today’s readings to be ready to follow along with Monsignor as he read the Gospel, but then stopped at the Meditation of the Day for April 1st. It was written by St. Teresa of Avila. She wrote about a time when she had a vision of the Mother of God descend with a great multitude of angels , while St. Teresa was praying before a statue of Our Blessed Mary. At the end of the prayer, Mary spoke and said, “You were indeed right in placing me here; I shall be present in the praises they give my Son, and I shall offer these praises to Him.”

St. Teresa then writes, “ After this, I remained in the kind of prayer I now have, that of keeping my soul present with the Blessed Trinity. And it seemed to me that the Person of the Father drew me to Himself and spoke very pleasant words. Among them, while showing me what He wanted, he told me: “I gave you My Son and the Holy Spirit, and this Blessed Virgin. What can you give Me?”

I read the words of the last sentence again very slowly. What WOULD I give to my God? I fail so miserably at everything I attempt lately. All my stewing in the Easter season is about how I can’t seem to get a discipline of prayerfulness back, I can’t get Paul moved ahead in so many ways, my house is in the middle of a remodel job that has come to a halt, with the mess all around me. It is the visual aid of how my mind is these days - filled with too much mess and stress. Mostly about Paul. How can I do all that needs to be done for him, with my days filled to the max with so many other things? Writing on the blog is always on my mind, but it always gets put on the bottom of the list of things to do each day.

So back to the Mass today. After I had quickly read the meditation and then dwelled for a moment on that last sentence, I realized the Gospel had already been started. I found the place where they were and continued to follow along, thinking to myself - “Oh yeah, I know this Gospel.” I didn’t really listen as it was being read. I had heard it before and I wanted to get back to dwelling on that sentence. I felt basically …..miserable. I don’t ever seem to give anything back to God. I go to my job, I tend to the family in the little bit of time I have each day…………..but I don’t really DO anything FOR God. Then the Gospel reading was over and we sat down. Then God spoke to me through Monsignor Tally. He said this Gospel was filled with so many messages he didn’t know where to begin. But he said that the one thing that really caught his attention was the little boy who had the 5 loaves of bread and the 2 fish. He saw the thousands of people sitting around and in great faith, offered what he had to the apostles. He had only a tiny little bit to give, but he offered it with great love. He didn’t worry about how all those people would be fed. He just offered up his only possession. He let God do the rest. “What can you give Me?” That sentence jumped back into my thoughts and I answered God. “I will give you every little thing I have.”

It will not be one grand and marvelous event that will be my way of showing God that I love Him. It will be in the everyday events. The little actions that we all do that are mostly unnoticed by anyone around us, the words that we may never know will comfort others, the prayers said silently for everyone who needs them. I have felt so burdened with the job of getting Paul moved ahead and ready for college and ready to do something wonderful for God. God graced him with continued life here on earth, so there must be something really important for Paul to do. I have worried that I would fail God by not helping Paul attain all that God needs from him. I forgot that the recovery process is truly like watching grass grow. It is very slow and there are times when there seems to be no progress and no matter how much I ‘stew’ about it, it is not in my hands. I can only offer my few ingredients and then let God take over the rest. If God needs Paul to do something great, He will have to provide the rest.

It is incredible that I forgot some of the truths I learned early on in this whole event with Paul. The truths that always bring me peace. Blessed Teresa said it best………….do small things, but with Great Love.
That may even be the ‘great event’ that God wanted from Paul. He does not do anything that would make headline news, but he always does things with great love. He is simple in a number of ways, yet he always brings so much laughter into our days. Everyone who meets him seems to enjoy being with him, most especially children. He is an example of total dependence on God and a vision of the faith of that young boy offering his fish and loaves to help feed the masses of people. Paul is gentle, kind and patient and offers his love to everyone around him. He gives up freely the little he has, with a steadfast belief that God will guide him. He talked a lot about being able to have a wife and children in the months before Easter. On Good Friday, Paul, Michael and I attended the Stations of the Cross, then later that afternoon, the reading of the Passion and the veneration of the Cross. That night, we watched the Passion of the Christ. I went to bed with so many thoughts and emotions. Apparently, Paul did too. One of the first things he said to me on Holy Saturday was that he thought so much about having a wife and children, and while he would love to have that in life, he felt that Jesus was calling him to be a priest. He would do that for Jesus, because Jesus blessed him with his life. He said that if Jesus could offer up His life for us, then Paul would offer up his life for God. I told Paul that that would remain between him and God. And while that is true, that is where I started to feel stressed about how I needed to get Paul to be more independent, accept more responsibility, and get him into college and get a degree and …………………

Yep …..…..I had put the pot on the fire and it was ‘stewin’ baby. I had felt restless and overwhelmed ever since. I forgot that all I can do is take it one day at a time, ask for the guidance and offer up my love and Paul to God. He will finish cooking it. He will use it to feed the masses.

So, today, while I can’t feed the whole world, I can offer my few ingredients and share what I have learned with you. I will add my prayers (that include your intentions) and like you, will have to wait to see what’s for dinner.

Paul is feeling very good these days. He is using his micro current machine every day. We have not seen a lot of progress, but will give it time. If it is meant to bring healing, it will. It does help him with his pain and that is the best part. Without pain, Paul has very full days. He is now reading and writing book reports for us each day, summarizing what he has read. His sentences are correct grammatically, and they are showing more maturity and depth of thought. I was very happy to see that improvement. Writing skills will be very necessary for college. He does math very well too. He works on a computer site called Happy Neuron and it helps him with all sorts of skills - memory, reasoning, problem solving, logic. At first, he would become easily discouraged when he would score really low. But we encouraged him to keep at it and eventually he would see improvement. He used to give up and would go back to playing solitaire on his computer. He would become very defensive about how poorly he did. Yesterday, he called me to let me know he had finally passed a level and was going to move onto the next one. It was in the area of memory and he knows he has a lot of problems with that. For example, he asked me this morning what he told the barber last time about how he liked his hair cut. He is getting his hair cut again today and wanted it done the same way. I reminded him of what he said last time, then suggested that he keep a folder on his computer and enter that kind of information into it for future reference. He said he thought about doing that exact thing - keeping records of that kind of stuff.

He has taken over the full care of his dog. He is responsible for her meds, flea protection, grooming and feeding schedule. His watch alarm goes off almost hourly as he is reminded of daily activities. Before he gets into the car each day for work, he taps his chest, his 2 pants pockets, his jacket pockets and then get into the car. He does that as he makes sure he has his sunglasses, his eye drops, his keys, his watch, his wallet, Kleenex and Tylenol (just in case of increased head pain). He knows there are 7 things he wants to have with him and has figured out this method to remember them all. I don’t even ask him any more. He forgot his lunch one time and called me to ask what he should do. I asked him what he wanted to do. He had to think about it for a little bit, then realized that he had a debit card and could go with anyone from his office to go get lunch. He now lets me know that the reason he is not bringing a lunch is that he has made plans to go out to lunch. He is slowing realizing that he doesn’t have to call me, or Jon or Jerry or Judy to figure everything out. It is a slow process, but we are working really hard to make him think of the solutions to his problems. We are learning how to let go of caring for his every need. We only enable his being an invalid when we do this. It has been a slow learning process for us too!!!

God will get us there. This I know.
So, on this First Friday, Jon and I started back to the 6:30 AM Mass. We had missed it since Holy Week and it was truly a gift to us. Yes, we needed to be fed and we were.

God our Father, you gave us Christ, your Son, as the living bread to renew us.
Let Christ be our teacher and instruct us ,
so that we may learn your truth and
practice it in love.
Peace in Christ,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

An addendum

2008-03-19T11:06:00.001-04:00

After writing the previous posting early this morning, I have to add this addendum.

Not knowing our future at the time we visited the church, we went on to have our 3rd and 4th sons that we named James and Michael. In looking for pictures of St. Michael's Church today to add to the previous article, I found out the church is in St. James Parish in Louisiana (they don't have counties in Louisiana, they are called parishes). I only realized today the connections - I had my son Jon with me in the church, Paul was in my womb and James and Michael were yet to come. When I named my sons, James was named after my dad and Michael was named after my brother who died when I was 10 yrs old. Today, I realized the connections with their names and that of the church (St. Michael's) and location (St. James Parish)! I just had to come back and add this posting to share this FULL CIRCLE with all of you. Oh, the signs of God are great and many!!! I am still smiling about this realization!!

As it was, in the beginning

2008-03-19T09:14:00.001-04:00

Lady of Lourdes
Grotto in the church

As you enter
St. Michael the
Archangel Church

St. Michael the
Archangel Church

Convent, Louisiana

My mother shared something with me years ago that I have never forgotten. She had written down her thoughts about how she used to suffer during the winter months from mild depression. She talked about how it was difficult for her to experience hope and joy with all the gray weather during these months. It made it very difficult to fend off her depression. But she finally found a way to hold on, most especially in the months of February and March. She would watch for the Forsythia bush to begin to bud. Once the bush had buds on it, her hope would be renewed and she would start to feel better. She lives in Michigan and the Forsythia blooms a little later than here in Atlanta. So, each year I call her as soon as I see the buds on MY Forsythia bush, to help her get a head start! I too feel a rush of joyfulness when I see those buds. And so it was that I called her this past week to share this news with her.

As we talked, we got onto the subject of my hoping that we will be able to get Paul to Lourdes, France in this 150th year anniversary of that apparition. She then remembered an occasion before Paul’s birth. I had been told that something was possibly wrong with Paul in my 5th month of pregnancy with him. I remember leaving that doctor appointment with a tremendous amount of concern. I drove straight to my mom’s house and as I cried, told her what the doctor had said. They were worried about how small Paul appeared after doing a sonogram. They were going to wait a month and would measure the growth of Paul’s bones to determine if the placenta had separated, which would keep the necessary nutrition from getting to Paul. They really were not sure what the problem was, but had concern about his size.

My mother immediately remembered there was a shrine to Our Lady of Lourdes at St. Michael the Archangel Church in Convent, Louisiana. We lived in Baton Rouge at the time, so it would be about a 45 minute drive for us. We made plans to drive down the next day. My sister, Beverly and her children, my mother, my son Jon and I all went down to St. Michael’s on this day. As we entered the old church, built in the 1800’s, I felt at peace. We wrote our petitions on slips of paper and we put them into the slot that was in the grotto wall. I prayed that Our Lady of Lourdes would heal my unborn baby of any problem and to please surround him with Her love and protection. I left it in Her hands, as there was nothing I could do for Paul, other than continue to eat well and fight off the tendency to worry…………….a very difficult thing for me to do. As my husband once said, “Rebecca, the day you don’t worry about something will be the day you have died.”

At my next appointment, the sonogram showed that his leg and arm bones had grown a sufficient amount, which meant he was getting the nutrition he needed. It was funny that during the sonogram, the midwife told us it was definitely a girl and that might explain the small size. We were disappointed she told us the sex of the baby, as we wanted to be surprised. We got our wish………it was a boy and we were totally unprepared for a boy. We didn’t have a name ready, instead we had the name Mary Catherine ready for our little ’girl’. We had a dress with us to take her home too! We were not the only ones surprised that day. The doctor could not believe the size of our baby……………..8 lbs and 9 oz, and 21 ½ inches long. Jonny had been 9 lbs 9 ozs and 80% of second babies are larger, hence the doctor’s concern. But after delivering Paul, she looked at me and said, “I don’t know where you hid all of this baby!”

As mom and I talked about this, my mom said that if we can’t get Paul to Lourdes, France, maybe a trip to Convent, Louisiana would be the next best thing. After all, that is where Our Lady of Lourdes’ protection first began! It may be those prayers said 23 years ago that helped save Paul’s life on 11/11/05.

As we entered Holy Week, I had so many prayers of thanksgiving to Our Lady. I prayed at the beginning of Lent that we would be home for Easter this year. The last 2 years, we spent Easter in the hospitals with Paul. A couple of weeks ago, Paul had a flare up in the pain in his head and we were ready to rush back up to Charlotte. I kept praying that we would not need to have a shunt revision and that Paul would be healed without surgery. Prayers were once again answered. His pain level came back down after 2 straight days of high level pain and it has remained low ever since. We have prayed a rosary together each night of this week and this morning, we were surprised by a phone call from Paul. He called at 5:00 AM and asked if we wanted to say a rosary this morning instead of tonight. There is the service of Tenebrae tonight, so saying the rosary early in the morning was best. We sat this morning in darkness, with only the candles lit on our family ’altar’. The light illuminated the statue of Mary, and Jesus on the crucifix above her. We prayed the Glorious Mysteries, where we pray for the fruits of Faith, Hope and Love of God. The anticipation of the Easter Tridium is at hand. Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday will be spent with our parish family at St. Stephen’s - not in a hospital. My joy is overflowing.

Easter morning, there will be Forsythia branches in a vase in front of Our Blessed Mother, Mary! She continues to lead us to Her Son, Jesus.

God bless all of you in this season of great hope and great joy.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Come Clean

2008-02-28T08:43:00.000-05:00

As I journey through this Lenten season, I have prayed that I would be more clearly aware of my own sinfulness so that I could experience a healing in my soul. While I always pray for healings of the body for our family and friends, it came to my mind to also focus on a healing of my soul as Lent began.

Two weeks ago, Jon, Paul and I drove to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. It was the weekend before the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes on Monday 2/11. This year marks the 150th anniversary of her appearance before Bernadette. I was very much aware of this anniversary due to the Pope’s announcement of the plenary indulgence associated with Our Lady of Lourdes. I was praying most fervently that I would see my sinfulness with greater clarity as I prepared for the Sacrament of Reconciliation that weekend. I did not want to rationalize away any of my patterns of behavior - I wanted to look at myself with total honesty so that I could confess all my sins that I was aware of. I don’t know about anyone else, but I do not enjoy having to actually say my sins out loud. But Jesus already knows our sins and He told St. Faustina in her diary, that He wanted her to speak them out loud.

On Saturday afternoon there was a procession around the grounds of the Shrine with the altar servers carrying the statue of Our Lady of Lourdes. There was a large group of people following and we prayed the Joyful Mysteries of the rosary as we processed. There were 4 young girls who were dropping rose petals as we walked along the pathways. It was a very peaceful time for me personally. By the time we got back, the priests were ready to hear confessions. Almost always after the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I feel a great peace. This time I did not. I felt very saddened. I prayed afterwards for a long time in the Shrine and pondering the truth that Jesus always forgives us. It is hard to understand that kind of love. Harder still to totally accept it. We are so limited in our concept of this perfect love. I have been blessed in thousands of ways and yet, I was very aware this time of how my sinfulness truly hurts Our Lord. I felt an unworthiness like never before. I know I can never be worthy of heaven. Our salvation comes through Jesus. But I had a greater sense of how my sinfulness truly hurts God, hurts my relationship with Him I left the Shrine with a very heavy heart.

It stayed with me through the night and into the next day. I really questioned whether I was on the right track with Jesus. I know we are forgiven our sins, but I found myself dwelling on my weakness and how I fall into sinfulness so easily. Would I ever become more disciplined and show greater strength in avoiding sinful patterns? How could I ever stay on the road of the saints?

On our drive home, Jon and I talked about this and he reminded me that I was heading into despair and that was a tool of Satan. I understood what he was saying, but I was having a difficult time turning away from this inner sorrow. I was so sorry as I looked back on my life, with all the ways that I had failed to return the love He so freely gives. All the time I had wasted on pursuing ’earthly treasures’. It is not that I was doubting God’s love for me, I just really doubted me! What will it take for me to become a more holy child of God? Wasn’t Jesus dying on the cross enough? What greater love is there? Paul’s accident certainly was an eye opener to the amount of love God has for us all.

I continued to dwell on all of this and found no answer to this intense inner pain I was experiencing. Monday was the Feast of Our Lady of Lourdes, so I asked Paul if he wanted to go to Mass and we would pray for continued healing for him and the family. Once we got to church, we learned that there was a healing Mass that evening, so we waited until that time to attend. Jon had gone to the 6:30 AM Mass, so just Paul and I went that night. As I prayed for Paul, I drifted into prayer for a true conversion of my heart, so that I might better serve our Lord. I went home that night and continued my prayers to Our Lady of Lourdes to help me truly heal all that keeps me from serving our Lord with humility and perseverance.

I spent the better part of that week in prayerfulness whenever I had a spare moment. I kept up my efforts at working through this sense of sorrow I still had inside. I worked to fill this void with prayers. One morning, I sat quietly as the morning sun slowly brought light and wondered about this feeling of loss and sorrow. Where had it come from? What was God trying to tell me? I asked God to show me His way, because whatever the message was, I was not getting it at all. I did tell Him that I would wait and if this was another test in patience, please provide the strength to help me remain prayerful and not waiver in my faith.

I got up to get a cup of coffee and saw the booklet a woman showed me while we were at the Shrine. I had just met this woman early Saturday morning and she mentioned that there was a wonderful booklet written by Mother Angelica and told me the title. She had met Paul and she told me this book was about suffering. I said I would look for it in the book store. As Jon, Paul and I browsed through the store, I had forgotten the title of that booklet and had also become distracted by my conversations with Jon and Paul. As I was in line to purchase a few gifts, this woman came up to me with the booklet in her hand and gave it to me. She said it was a remarkable book. I admit it surprised me that she was so persistent! Later I tucked it into my suitcase and when I got home, I placed it on the table in our prayer/music room. And there it sat until I was lead back to it……….in God’s time!

I read through the table of contents and the title “Repentant Suffering” got my attention and I started to read. Instantly I was reading the very words that described how I had been feeling. Someone knew exactly what was in my heart and I was comforted.
“ When Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn: they shall be comforted,” (Matt. 5;5)
“He was speaking of the sorrow that follows true repentance. Only those who have fallen deeply understand what the word “mourn” means. The sinner who suddenly realizes God’s love for him and then looks at his rejection of that love, has a feeling of loss similar to the depth of a loved one. A deep void is created in the soul and a loneliness akin to the agony of death. The soul feels wrapped in an icy grip of fear. This is not, however, the fear of punishment but the realization of its ingratitude towards so good and loving a God.
Sorrow begins to heal the wounds made by sin and God Himself comforts the soul with the healing balm of His Mercy and Compassion.
If the sin were great, the soul, humbled by self-knowledge, remembers its weakness so as never to offend God again but forever rejoices in His Mercy. This combination of mourning and comfort keeps the soul in a state of dependence and trust in God who sought and found His lost sheep.
When the soul realizes that the sins it has committed not only affect itself and the community but offend a powerful and loving Lord, it feels a sense of loss for having deprived so good a God of the honor and glory of a virtuous life. The difference between this sense of loss and that which exists in hell is that the suffering of repentance reaches up to God for Mercy, while those in hell know only remorse. They possess a hatred of God that fills their miserable souls with bitter regrets and a refusal to seek forgiveness.”
Mother Angelica, 1977

There is a lot more on this topic, but too long to completely quote. It almost spoke out loud to me! I felt a renewed sense of hope and also a longing for Jesus. With this new ’armor’ I made an adjustment to my Lenten resolutions and added MORE PRAYERFULNESS into my day. The kind of prayerfulness I had right after Paul’s accident. The kind that keeps me in conversation with Jesus and Mary throughout my day. It is what truly brings me great joy in my day.
“If today you hear my voice, harden not your hearts.” Amen.

We have a few things on the horizon for Paul. We continue to work with him in different areas of study. Our newest routine is to let Paul read short stories out loud to us and as we go along, ask him to explain what is going on, or to define the words he may not know. We keep a dictionary by his side and he will stop to look up the definition if he gets stuck. We have been reading stories by James Joyce and O’Henry - both of them having a number of difficult words and imagery. Paul has done well in his understanding of the meanings - way better than I thought he would do. He practices his guitar, but has stopped the lessons. He said his heart is just not in it right now. It might even be for the better at this time because we want to work with Paul in studying. He will be taking the neuro-psych exam (7 hours) in April or May. We want it to be taken closer to the time he goes to college. He remains really hopeful that it will bring him closer to getting his driver’s license again. From the assessment of that test they can determine more clearly his ability to drive. His reaction times were good, but still need some fine tuning when it comes to braking in time. His time was off by 2/10 of a second…………about the time it takes for someone to blow their horn at you after the light turns green………smile.
Paul is showing more improvement in the area of maturity. He just this week stated that he needs to accept more responsibility in his life and is working at not asking what he needs to do next. Lately, he has started to keep his room clean and picks up after himself. He got up this morning on his own ….at 5:30 AM…..another little miracle ….and joined us at 6:30 AM Mass. I remember back to the time he begged Jon to give him 240 seconds more to stay in bed. HOUSTON, WE HAVE PROGRESS! Very awesome.

He is starting to get tingling in his cheek and along the side of his nose. He was able to close his eyelid but it took about 15 seconds. The lower lid now has a lot of ‘quivering’ movement in it, which he didn’t have before. His micro current treatment everyday seems to be showing signs of some help. We have left it in God’s hands. I have told Paul that if we can get him to Lourdes, France this year, we are going to do it. We may not be the ones taking him due to expenses, but I have asked Our Lady of Lourdes to help us find the way, if it be God’s will.
So much to be prayerful about, so much to bring hope and joy.
The name of the book I was quoting is “The Healing Power of Suffering” and costs only $2. A real bargain in many ways!

As Lent continues, I will continue to pray, “Have mercy on me, O God, in Your goodness; in Your great tenderness wipe away my faults, wash me clean of my guilt, purify me of my sin.”
Peace be with all of you,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Be back soon........

2008-02-27T08:22:00.001-05:00

I should have a new posting by this evening.
God bless everyone today !
Love, Rebecca

Blooming Where He is Planted

2008-02-04T07:29:00.000-05:00

Paul's days are much more busy for him. He works on gaining his skills in classical guitar and has to work a lot harder than before the accident. He was used to putting in a little bit of time and gaining new skills easily. That is no longer the case. He struggles to remember the new pieces assigned and it takes him a lot longer to play the songs well. I think it is due to the fact that he has so many other areas to pay attention to, he can't devote all the hours as before. I know he used to stay up very late into the night playing his guitar and more of his life was spent thinking about his music. He had a specific goal in mind - being part of a band that would propel him into the music industry, where he would make his living. While he still loves music, to be one of the best guitarists again is not the passion driving him these days. We have encouraged him to regain his skill, as he is still very gifted and that is a gift from God. We really believe that this gift is already serving a beautiful purpose. Paul is giving guitar lessons to a young man in our parish every Monday night. Austin's family has been praying for Paul all along and I told Paul about it. He was very pleased to know that prayers were being offered up for his recovery. He has a complete understanding that he will be healed according to God's will and that prayers are going to help accomplish that. He had noticed Austin before, but mostly when Austin would be an altar server at Mass. He has an angelic face and Paul had commented on how reverent this young man was during the Mass. One day, the two of them began a conversation that lead straight to music. Austin said he was trying to learn how to play the guitar and asked if Paul would give him lessons. In exchange for continued prayers, Paul teaches Austin what he knows. Austin's little sister, Mary, comes over too on Monday nights and I give her piano lessons. Mary always runs up to Paul and gives him a hug. As do her other 2 little sisters. Paul cannot believe how sweet these children are and it brings him a lot of joy that they all gather around him. I talked to him one day about how children seem to enjoy being around him so much and that maybe he could head in the direction of being a teacher in elementary or middle school. He said that was a very interesting idea and he would definitely consider it. He said that he is very confused when it comes to deciding a degree program. While he is sure he won't pursue a music degree, he remains unsure what direction he will go. There is so much to accomplish and I think it is still overwhelming for him in many ways. We are taking it one day at a time and I know God will lead us.

I was reading some scripture this past week and the readings are from the Book of Samuel. When David intends to build the Lord "a house to dwell in," God intervenes, reminding David that the initiative for such a project rests with God alone. God is the sower and He asks for our humble response. The task of helping Paul back to the life God intends seems daunting at times. As I look back over the past two year, which I have done a lot in the past weekend as we cleaned out a lot of drawers and closets, I cannot believe where we were and where we have come. I found the old containers used to mix all the foods to help Paul gain back all of his weight - 50+ lbs. He was 119 lbs at one point! We found some old medical supplies and the sweat pants and sweat shirts he lived in daily. It brought back to mind just how overwhelmed I felt back then. In looking back, I can see clearly that God walked with us. " I have been with you wherever you went......I will give you rest from all your enemies." My fear, doubts and fatigue were truly the enemies! Thanks be to God, through your prayers, we were given the grace to look to God when we felt we could not go another day watching him suffer in so much pain.

Paul's shoulder pain is gone, thanks to Dr. Tally. He is a chiropractor and he was able to help straighten out the cervical area of the spine, which caused the pain in Paul's shoulder. Paul is pretty much done with his therapy and is now able to work out in the gym 3 days a week. Jon and I have joined also. We found the weight Paul lost...............smile. It is very helpful for me to excercise some of my 'impatience' away! I keep forgetting that God is going to move 'this battleship' forward and sometimes I am only provided an oar. Steady as she goes Rebecca - stay the course!

Paul works every day, comes home and practices his guitar, helps get dinner ready sometimes (he defintely will not become a chef.........absolutely no interest in the preparation of food, just the eating). As Paul got better, his brothers took him shopping for clothes and James gave him a lot of his T-shirts that Paul liked. So, he has an overabundance of clothes which means he does not have to do his laundry as frequently as we do! But he does it when necessary. He knows how to do everything for himself, but it is the short term memory that is the stumbling block. He is getting better, but it is a bit like molasses in January. We are not telling him what to do and are watching to see how much he will do on his own. His watch goes off frequently throughout the day, with the reminders to drink plenty of water, take his vitamins, feed his dog, get her medications, remember doctor appointments, get up and showered, to name a few. But we have light at the end of the tunnel. Yesterday, as he was going through some of his old things as we cleaned out the garage, he called out to Jon and me, "Hey! I remembered to feed Abby BEFORE my alarm went off!" He was extremely happy about it. So were we. He loves his dog so much, but she would have died from neglect a long time ago had we not been in charge of her care! Even before the accident, he thought he tended to all her needs when he taught her tricks and took her with him in his car! Jon and I always tended to her daily care. We talked to Paul about taking full charge of her care and with the help of his watch alarm, has done a pretty good job. It was another goal for him. One more mission accomplished, in a long line of many. That is what I dwell on when I feel like the battleship is just turning in circles - how far he has come. All it takes is a walk down memory lane, reading the early entries in the blog and I lose my impatience. God must have known I would need that visual aid 323 postings ago!

Paul is now planning a Gamefest at Jerry's house. Jerry has turned his basement into great place for Mike, Paul, Dylan (his nephew) and Frank (his dad). There is an air hockey table, bumper pool table, foosball and dart board - along with a lreally arge popcorn machine! We go over on Friday nights and watch movies and listen to the noise down below. I have talked before about how competitive my sons are, but they have met their match with the Hufford men! These games are a great help for Paul in eye/hand coordination and also for helping him gain very quick reflexes. Last Friday, Paul brought Austin and Mary over for the movie/game night. They really enjoyed watching the popcorn machine. We had so much fun watching them and apparently Mary is great at air hockey! Paul will have to put in some real practice time to beat her. There are 7 children in Austin/Mary's family and I am sure that is where they have gained their competitive skills! Paul had so much fun he asked Jerry if he could plan an evening with his friends. It was great hearing him talk about who he was going to call and what all they would do. It will be a fun goal for him. He may want to continue to play against Austin and Mary before then so that he can continue to improve his skills!

We received a portable micro current machine from Dr. Matthews. His assistant was coming to Atlanta from Charlotte and she brought it to Jon at work last week. Each evening, for 2 hours before Paul does the treatment, he has to drink 64 oz of water. Then he places the electrodes on his forehead and at the back of the neck and lets the machine do it's work. Now that he is doing it nightly, he said he can feel tingling all the way down his cheek - from the inside corner of his eye to the top of his lip. He hopes and prays that the paralysis will be cured, and we pray daily for that to happen. We know there is always the major surgery to replace that nerve, but it is not going to happen before we try everything else. Paul works hard on the instructions that Shephard gave hiim for his eye coordination. Paul wants his eye function back more than anything else. He also keeps asking about getting more repair work done on his lid and eyebrow area. We have to wait to see if the nerve function comes back as that is what controls the muscles on the left side of his face. Any other reconstructive surgery might over correct the level of his eyebrow if the nerve works again, so they are waiting to do further surgery at this time. Patience - there's that word again.

Paul also takes Abby on walks now and she is losing some of her weight! We are all on the road to recovering healthy bodies! Paul gets up by himself each day very early and is ready for Mass or work on time. He makes his own lunches and only occasionally might forget it. He tends to his eye all day long (that is another alarm that goes off - once an hour to put liquid tears in his eye) and only needs to tape it down at night. We are using only 2 thin strips to help keep the skin from stretching any worse around the eye. Paul has another opthamologist appointment at the end of February. We need to make sure that he doesn't need corrective lenses for his left eye. He is able to focus much more quicly each week after doing his excercises, but he said that it is still a little blurry in his left eye. We had been told he had 20/20 vision and it might be that over time the left eye has lost some of that sharpness. Or, with more excercise, it will be okay. I don't know the first thing about optometry, so will let it go and let God guide the doctor.

As you can see - progress is being made. Your prayers are moving this battleship forward through stormy and calm waters.

"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies. (IS 30:15)

Inner peace can only come from surrendering to the Lord in trust and then living by His love.
When we are asked how we are doing, then we can respond by saying joyfully, "'I AM BLESSED!"

We pray you are too.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

The Sahara

2008-02-01T11:48:00.000-05:00

(Of course it is a long one - It's been a month!)

Around the time of my last posting......................many weeks ago...........I made an unexpected detour into the desert. I felt 'bone dry' and could not seem to make my way back out. My disciplines had gone by the way side, my thoughts wandered away from prayer so easily and I found myself really struggling to find some sign that Jesus was still with me. I sat at my computer many mornings asking God to help me write something and nothing came to mind. I experienced either a huge void or I could not keep my thoughts from heading off in tangents without my being able to corral them. It was exactly like the having 'pop ups' that show up on your computer as you try to get to the site you really want. I came to the conclusion it was time to find out what God needed me to do next. I honestly felt very sad and empty because writing has been a wonderful experience for me. It helped guide me and it gave me strength. It was kind of like getting a 'pep talk' from God each time these ideas came into my head. So I've been praying (as diligently as I could) for the guidance from God. What next??? And the answer was silence. No direction, no sign. At times, I felt very anxious about it because I felt this great sense of urgency just below the surface of my thoughts and yet I couldn’t get any clarification of what the urgent need was. It was like wheels spinning in the mud. This past week, I sat quietly in church after Mass and said, "I give up Lord. If you want me to do something big or even small, you will have to make it more clear to me. Remember who you are dealing with. It‘s me, the obtuse one." I left the church empty again. The next day, I remembered the prayer from Mother Angelica and prayed to my guardian angel "Please whisper in my ear what God needs me to do." Right before I was to receive Communion, it came to me "I need you to take care of Paul." I felt a quietness in my soul. I found a peace I had not been feeling. I worked hard to keep my tears back as I walked up to receive Jesus. I found myself really, really feeling like I was walking right towards His loving gaze as I came closer to the priest. When I got back to my pew, I asked what He meant. Then the realization came to me. I had not only fallen off in my discipline of prayerfulness and going to Mass often, I had fallen off in my spiritual care of Paul. Here is how it happened.
I got to meet Jose (who I wrote about in my last posting) at our grandson's Baptism. He is back in Washington and he came to Jon and Marie's. At the church, he came up to me and introduced himself and as I looked into his eyes, I saw something that I can't explain. Maybe Jesus looking back at me? I was so taken with his gaze. He asked about Paul before anything else! This young man who has endured so much suffering and yet had a look of pure joy on his face. He amazed me as he spoke about how he is working to pull it all together and how he knows God will help him. But what struck me most was his interest in Paul as he made his troubles secondary. Later, as we were leaving to go back to Jon's house, I was telling Paul about Jose's love for God and the strength he showed and Paul's face softened into a very tender look and he turned around and walked back into the church. He walked up to Jose and asked if he was going to be coming to the house also. When we got to the house, Paul made it a point of watching for him so he could talk to Jose. Later, he told me he could not believe how awesome Jose was. After that, I could not get Jose out of my mind. I wanted to do so much for him, yet didn't know what else to do. I know that prayer is very powerful and I knew I would pray for him. But what else? I started to feel anxious about all the sorrow and sadness people have to endure in this world. Over the next few days, then weeks, I felt an urgency to go out and do something big in this world to help people. That is when I started to feel so dry and empty too. How could I help this world? Which direction should I head in? I then felt some despair as I realized that I have a very demanding job and I need to keep working to help with Paul’s medical needs. How could I do anything big since I was tied down to this demanding job I go to everyday? When did I have time to go out into the world, much like Blessed Teresa? Okay, I will confess, I had also started to read the book about this saint’s life and even though she felt no love or consolation from God, she continued on with a supernatural faith. I was so amazed at how she walked out into the slums and began her ministry. It made me want to do the same thing! I met Jose and he and his family has been suffering so much. There are so many people I have heard about that are suffering so much more than we ever have. I am also very cognizant of all the neglect and absence of love in this world. I found my heart yelling out to God "WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP YOU LORD?" Where do I start - just lead me on Lord! I thought about the blog and I told myself that I had nothing more to say. I wanted to get my hands into something - I wanted my hands to look like Blessed Teresa's when I died!
With all of this going on in my mind, I entered the desert. I could not stay focused on anything when I prayed to be told where to go and what to do. There are so many directions one could go - the homeless, the abused, the neglected elderly, the lonely - I get many mailings from organizations who plead for help. Again Lord, which way do you want me to go?
Silence was my answer. I prayed anyway, even though I felt so empty and confused. If Blessed Teresa could go on for 50+ years, I would try hard to wait to hear what God’s plans were for me. My prayers seemed flat - I could hardly get any emotion into them. They were just very repetitive. After weeks of this, I got that message to take care of Paul.
I looked at our situation closely and wondered what else I could do. I thought about how God certainly spared Paul’s life and it occurred to me that He must really have a purpose for him. But we needed to work harder at moving him forward. I realized we had become a lot more lax in our attempts to act on a number of fronts concerning his recovery. Paul had also fallen into a worse state cognitively. He seemed very lethargic, and his memory was worse than ever. Jon and I pretty much felt that he had come as far as he was going to and that we would just take care of his needs for life. So with the renewed message of ‘take care of Paul’, I asked God to show me the way. We had talked about getting him more active, so I had Paul call a new gym right down from our neighborhood. It is very small and it is not going to attract the very fit and young. (My kind of place!) Paul liked that it was more quiet and not crowded. So we all joined.
After a number of delays in getting Paul registered for college, I called him on Wednesday and found out he was not going to have to work. I immediately told him to be registered by noon and I would be home to follow up. He seemed irritated at my new attitude of urgency, but I told him to trust me - God had plans for him and I was to help make it happen. When I got there, Paul was underway, but had a couple of things he was not sure about. He needed to pick another degree program. After some conversation, he chose General Business. I told him he could always change but to just get registered.
As we did that, we learned the cut off date was February 1st ! I told Paul that God had spoken to me just in time! I told him that I would be working really hard with him again and that it was not meant to frustrate him. God needed him to accomplish some task while he is on earth and my new job from God was to help prepare the way for Paul.
I have joyfully taken on this seemingly simple job and have been so happy about it. At first, I was incredibly disappointed it wasn’t something on a larger scale or ‘more important’. Then I remembered what St. Therese said. When she told her older sister, (who was also a nun) that she wanted to do something really great in the world, her sister had her fill a large pitcher with water and also a thimble. Then her sister asked St. Therese - “which one is more full?” I had forgotten that important message along the way these past few months. Each of us has a mission. God decides the magnitude and reason. As I was trying to ramrod my way into some great accomplishment, I was doing it for my greater glory. I had to finally own up to it. In my defense (which is Paul’s favorite line, used about every day……..smile) who wouldn’t want to be as awesome as Blessed Teresa? I want to do something that will help me get to heaven too!!
I am the thimble. Thanks be to God for allowing me to be even that much! I will be content with being a spiritual warrior, a ‘giant’ of prayerfulness right now and will keep my eyes open for the path God needs me to lead Paul and my other sons. These young men are my gifts and I have been given the duty to pray them home. People who enter my pathway are my gifts. I have been given the duty to pray them home.
So this morning, I got up and decided to get a blog written because I felt a new found urgency to write. I got it after I said good night to Paul and blessed him and then said I didn’t have to go into work until later, so maybe I could take him to the 9:00 AM Mass. He smiled back at me and said, “That would be great. It is First Friday you know.” I spun around and said, “NO, I DIDN”T remember, but YOU DID!” By golly Paul, God does need me to keep helping you with the same urgency I had to go out into the world and make things happen.
We went to Mass and I sat in joyful conversation with Jesus once again. I told Him I would be most joyful to feed His sheep as they were brought to me. I would let Jesus decide all of that. The response I received from Jesus came immediately after. Fr. Paddy was not feeling well and he called me up to the altar. I had seen another Eucharistic Minister go up to the altar already, so I was not sure why I was being called up. Fr. Paddy handed me the ciborium containing the Body of Christ. He needed me to give Jesus to the people, as he was not well. I became a Eucharistic Minister years ago so that I could take it to the nursing homes. My father had not been able to receive Communion very often in his final days and that is what lead me to that ministry. Out of all the people who were at Mass, Fr. Paddy looked up and called out to me. I really believe it was Jesus who called out to me to let me know He is guiding me and He will bring the people He intends into my pathway. I don’t have to go out into the world very far I guess. Thanks be to God for His love for us children.
I will write this weekend about some of the new and improved things Paul is starting to do. He must have had to ’shut down his engine so some work could be done’, because he is really going at it again. Apparently, both our engines were down this last month!
He had one set back last Tuesday night. He walked into the darkened bedroom and he tripped over Abby and fell face first into the nightstand. There are nightlights all over the place, but she was not in a lighted area. We raced to the ER at 11:00 PM and left at 3:30 AM after not being called. We were all so fatigued and I was almost certain he was alright. He was very coherent and the only pain was in his cheek and to the right of his eye (the right one, praise be to God!). I would call the neurosurgeon in the morning and if we were going to have to go to Charlotte, we needed some sleep and that is why we left. He was not required to go, and we had our own doctor get an xray of Paul’s face. There was nothing broken and Paul did not suffer an increase in headaches, so he is going to be alright. He has a black eye, which depressed him a good bit. He said to us, “Great, now I am a total freak instead of half a freak”. He finally let us know how his facial paralysis makes him feel. We were happy to hear him voice this. It was in the days following this that I got the message to ’Take care of Paul.” You can bet we are watching him like a hawk!

May the Sacred Heart of Jesus surround you with love and protection on this First Friday.
I pray you are all well and will keep you in my prayers.
Listen closely for Him to speak. I am sure He has a message for you.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Our Blog - Serving a Purpose

2008-01-04T20:29:00.000-05:00

Jose (far left) with our sons
Mike and Jon, along with
friends from Ave Maria U
(1/2007)

2005/06 Graduates of Ave Maria U
who have remained close friends
(Jose is sitting on couch - picture
taken Fall 2007)

Jose and his family at

his graduation from
Ave Maria University, 2005

I received a message from Marie about a young man named Jose Urquilla. He went to school with Jon and Marie and is in grad school. He is a truly wonderful young man and he needs the help of anyone who is able, both monetarily and prayerfully. I am going to just copy and paste the string of emails so that you will know his whole story.

I had recently been talking to Jon about maybe bringing the blog to an end, since it has been 2 years and maybe it had run its course. I believe that this blog got started because God had a message of love to share. Ours became a miraculous story and there are many people who were meant to see His signs of love and to see the power of prayer. As to how many, that was for God to decide. Throughout these past 2 years, I also have prayed that God would give me a sign when it was time to move on to other things He needed accomplished. Then I got this story of a very sad situation and I knew that this blog might still serve a purpose. I have to send out a plea for help for another brother in Christ who I know lifted up our family in prayer in our time of need. I don't know how many people are still reading this blog, but I hope God kept enough on board so that another one of His missions will be accomplished. We can let His love come through us in action and prayer.

May God's will be done. Love, Rebecca
rafidero@bellsouth.net
johnnyfid@hotmail.com

___________________________
Dear Rebecca,

Did you ever meet our friend Jose? We have known him for about 6 years. Jose is from El Salvadore. His brother, Victor, 19 yrs old, was murdered last year, and as a result of the stress, his mom spent a while in the hospital with heart problems. Over the last two months, Jose's dad has been in the hospital pretty much non-stop, with heart problems, and just passed away last week. This leaves Jose, his mom and sister, Claudia, who just graduated from High School, in a complete state of grief. Jose graduated with Jon, and works for Brownbecks office here in DC. He is also a full time grad student at CUA. He was sick for a while this year as well, and has had to struggle so much! I wonder if you would post the email from his roommates on the blog? It does ask for money, but mostly it asks for prayers and love. We are trying to set up a paypal account for him, so that he might be able to access the money while he is home. Jose is now financially responsible for his family, and that is a burden that he is in no way prepared to handle. I am going to copy the email from Jose, from his last visit home, and also the one his roommates sent out. If you feel that it is ok to post these, or even just snippets of them, then you can just copy them from my email.
Marie

_______________________________
Dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

I am back from my trip and yes, I am still legal :-). Again, I want to thank you and everyone else I have forgotten in this email for making my trip possible. My family and I are extremely thankful. My dad was doing a little better but unfortunately learned from the doctor that he needs to have a 3rd surgery in a couple of weeks because the test results were not good. This was a different doctor from the one that operated him the first two times and it seems as if the other doctor did not do the best job. Unlike the US, we cannot do anything about it but cover again those costs. Of course, what we want is my dad to be healthy. Also, it was a little bit sad to be at home these days because it was a year yesterday that my brother was shot and my mom has just been under a lot of stress remembering a lot of things. It was difficult to leave home but school and work responsibilities called me back here.

I will have to go back home in a few weeks, however because my mom needs help with a lot of things she has neglected for the past few weeks and also because with all of this another issue came up. We had to get a loan from the bank to pay for my dad's hospital bills. The bank were giving us a hard time about it but then said they'd give it with one caveat: they don't want to give me the loans for school for next semester (in El Salvador, there is no such a thing as a student loan because the government doesn't want their citizens to get educated, you need to get a private loan, in my case with an 18% interest rate. I can't get a loan in the US because I am not a US citizen.) This is insane because if I don't get the loan, I don't go to school and if I don't go to school, I can't remain in the US which would make it extremely hard for me to pay the loans because I would have not graduated and salaries at home are like $200/month! Therefore, I will have to go back home and meet with some sort of board at the bank and pretty much explain them my situation that this is my last semester in school, that my grandma's property is the collateral, etc. The best I can hope for is they will say they will release the funds at higher interest rate. As you can imagine, time at home was crazy and short and now I have finals and papers due so it will be a little insane. Even though God calls us to not worry about the material things sometimes we succumb to temptation and the stress of having to get another ticket and everything at home will make focusing in my school work very difficult. This next couple of weeks will be crazy so I REALLY ask for your prayers.

I hope everyone had a nice thanksgiving. Again, I can't tell you how grateful I am to have such a great family here in the US.

In Him,

Jose
____________________________________________________

This next email is one that was sent to his household brothers, and then on to us: (December, 2007)

Brothers and Sisters,We have a brother in a lot of distress right now. Jose's father passed away on Monday night. He died of a heart attack after spending a month and a half in the hospital. Jose flew home to El Salvador Tuesday morning. Please pray for Jose and his family.Jose has always had financial needs, but now they are very pressing. He is responsible for providing the money for his father's hospital bills. When he applied for a loan to cover them, the private lender he has been borrowing from to go to grad school said that he would not be able to also get a loan to cover his grad school expenses next semester. Which is how he stays in the United States, on a student visa. He must also pay the funeral expenses. And the cost of flying home. His family's needs that have gone unmet while his Dad was in the hospital. And now he is left as the only one to support his mother and younger sister.We are all members of one body. Now we have an opportunity to help bear some of Jose's burdens, in love. Daniel Son and I are coordinating the efforst to ease Jose's financial burden. We cannot bring his father back, but we can help bear this burden on this shoulders.As Jose's roommate, I think it is very important that we do this anonymously. I've gotten the impression, based on times that I have given him money in the past, that he feels like he is imposing on his friends when he has to ask for money. I believe we can most bless Jose by giving him the money anonymously, letting him know that his brothers and sisters are caring for and support him without knowing who it came from or how much he owes to any individual person. Danielson got Jose's bank account information from him before he left, and we can deposit checks made out to him in it without him ever knowing who it came from. Anyone who wants to give Jose and his family money can write a check to him and get it to either of us, or mail it to one of us as the Jonathan House (320 East Capitol St NE, Washington, DC 20003).Rather than just having money appear in his bank account, we should also write him cards and letters expressing our love and support. It would bless him if he came back to D.C. to know and feel the love of his brothers and sisters. Like any financial contributions, just get letters and cards to Danielson or myself, or mail them to the JHouse, and I'll put them on his dresser for when he returns. If anyone has the contact information for any of Jose's friends from grad school, Ave Maria, Brownback's office, Witherspoon, or anyone else who would like to help, please forward this message to them.Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

James Sherk and Daniel Son

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

2008-01-02T20:52:00.000-05:00

We spent 8 blessed days with our family at Jon and Marie’s house, along with the most beautiful gift of all…………….baby Jon. He was born a week before Christmas and we had to wait 4 days before we could hold him. What joy it was, holding our first grandson. What joy it was watching Jon and Marie become such loving parents. I felt so blessed being in their home, watching their tender ways with each other and their son. Christmas morning will be one that I know I will remember for the rest of my life. We attended midnight Mass and as I sat with my family, dwelling on the most beautiful gift of the Infant Jesus, I could not hold onto all that joy. I could not stop thanking God for His Son and my many blessings! Yes, my joy came upon a midnight clear.

In the morning, we waited until Marie and baby Jon were all settled in the living room. It was a sunny, crisp morning and the room was bright with the sunlight. Jon read the morning prayers from the Liturgy of the Hours. I was filled with complete peace as I listened to my son read the prayers, while I gazed upon each person in that room and thanked God for this blessed morning. In the future, I plan on reflecting back on that moment of serenity when I need a ‘Calgon moment’ in my day. I will just close my eyes and will relive the sound of my son’s voice as he brought the Good News of the birth of Christ into that room and into our hearts. Thank God for memories.

Our sons spent their time quite leisurely and it was a lot of fun for me to be cooking and listening to their voices and laughter throughout the house. I have always loved being a mother and wife – lots of satisfaction has been derived from that. I hope it was as much fun for them as it was for me taking care of everyone in that home!

One thing I noticed during that time was how Paul seemed to be more withdrawn than usual. He participated with his brothers when they played cards or games, but we noticed he really didn’t sit in on conversations. He seemed to want to sit off by himself or stay in his room while using his laptop. I was worried about it and I asked him if he was okay. He said he was not feeling well and just didn’t feel like doing much. On the day that the guys planned to go to Washington, D.C. Paul said his stomach hurt. I really didn’t want him to miss out on the opportunity for him to be with his brothers and dad, so I asked him to eat a little bit of yogurt to calm his stomach and to please try to go. Jon said that Paul did ask to be taken back home 10 minutes into the trip, but they encouraged him to keep trying to make it. As it turned out, he had a good day and didn’t mention his stomach ache again. We kept a closer watch on him to make sure that something wasn’t going wrong with the shunt. The day we left, he was feeling fine and was happy to be going home. Jon and I talked about it after we got home and we came to the conclusion that Paul has a definite comfort zone and while he can handle any activity planned for the day, he does better emotionally being in his own home and in familiar routines. He does not seem ready to handle long absences from home. I also noticed was that Abby seemed as out of sorts as Paul. She would not leave his side. When they were gone on their day trip, Abby stayed right by my side. I could tell she was not a happy camper. It is not the first time that her behavior is a barometer for how Paul is feeling!

During the second evening we were home, I could not sleep because I was worried about how poorly Paul had done on this trip. I was more sad than worried. Of course, everything seems so exaggerated late at night and I had worked up quite a bit of concern and sadness about Paul. I stressed about how he seemed to regress in the past month and how weird it was that he could not handle being away from home, even though he was with his own family. I felt kind of panicked about what else we could do for him to help move him forward. He seemed so forgetful in the weeks before Christmas and was so lethargic while we were at Jon and Marie’s. He was excited about the baby, but seemed so withdrawn most days. So there I was, late at night, dwelling on all that Paul is missing and how inadequate a job I felt I was doing in helping him regain more of his life. As I was getting more restless by the moment, I finally got up and went downstairs to sit in front of the Blessed Mother. I let the tears flow and prayed for help. I started to realize that some of this exaggerated feeling was a product of complete fatigue after all the activity of the vacation, mixed in with feeling sad about having to leave our children and grandson. So I sat for awhile in the darkness and talked to Mary, mother to mother. I have worries about each one of my children and spoke to her about them individually. It was about midnight and the thought came to me, “Live in the NOW, it is all you have. Pray for God to protect them and then let go of your worries.” I smiled and remembered that I had had that message before and there is real comfort in that. Jesus is in the NOW. Not the future or past. If I stayed with Him in each moment, I would have peace. He knows every one of our needs before we even ask. I thanked Mary and Jesus for helping me one more time! I felt just how tired I was and was actually reluctant to go back to bed. I didn’t want this moment to end. I went on to think about how glorious it will be, if I am graced with a place in heaven, to spend eternity with Jesus, Mary and the saints and angels. I already know how much joy I feel when I receive Jesus in Communion – I can’t even believe how much more amazing it will be to be in His presence in heaven! I laughed at how God must have wanted my attention and how He got me downstairs for this quiet time. He is listening to us always, but we need to take time to hear His words. I was gently reminded of this though Mary in the quiet of the night – yes, it came upon a midnight clear. How I love this faith that has been handed down through the centuries, which leads me along God’s pathway. Speak Lord, your servant listens.

I talked to Jon the next morning about all the things I had running through my mind about Paul. It came to us in our discussion that we needed to listen to what Paul was thinking about his life. We decided to sit down with him, in a quiet setting and let him tell us his thoughts. We needed to take time to help him voice all that is going on in HIS mind. And he did just that. He told us about how he felt when he saw little Jon Augustine and that it reminded him how much he hoped he would be able to have a family some day. He does think about all that is missing in his life, but is actually not hugely sad. He is more frustrated at the inability to decide what he wants to do in school. What degree program should he choose? What course should he follow? He said it is just a blank for him. After we talked for awhile, I mentioned how much the young kids he has been in contact with, all seem to love to be around him. He is so at ease with them. He loves teaching guitar. I mentioned that maybe he should look at an education degree. He could teach guitar on his own, but could be a teacher at a school. Maybe a private school , so that he could share his faith. He actually perked up and we discussed it for awhile. We will help him research what he will need to take and we decided that we will choose one class and will go through the text book with him and prepare him to take the class in the next semester. He liked that idea. We told him that we had been remiss in helping him more in the weeks leading into our Christmas vacation and that we were back on track with him. He also asked that we get the plastic surgery done on his eye lid so that it will look more even with the other side. It really bothers him. He also really wants to be able to drive again. He was really sad about no progress with that. It would mean a lot to him and would help him feel like he was getting some of his life back. With the new year, it looks like we have some goals to attain. We have our point and purpose. I reminded Paul that a strong prayer life should remain a daily thing and he said “I know that one. I say prayers all throughout the day. When I look at my watch, I see my rosary (it’s a wrist rosary that Fr. Paddy had made) and it reminds me to say some Hail Mary’s.” We plan on having a weekly meeting like the one we had with Paul. Speak Paul, your parents listen!

I was reading my prayer book this morning and felt very happy when I read that midway through 2008, the Church will begin her celebration of the Year of St. Paul. My heart is full of the joy and anticipation of what we might be able to accomplish this year with our Paul. We will ask St. Paul to keep a prayer vigil going with us.

“As night falls, let us confidently entrust to God the burdens of the day – our hopes and fears, our achievements and failures, our good deeds and our sins – and rest in the stronghold of His unfailing love.”

God bless you all in this year of 2008. Just as Jesus needed to retire to quiet places and pray, may you be blessed with many ‘pockets of peace’ where you can deepen your relationship with the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, through the loving intercession of our Blessed Mother Mary.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Our Christmas Gift - no words needed!

2007-12-31T07:55:00.000-05:00

Baby Jon

Hope Till We See His Face

2007-12-20T07:49:00.000-05:00

On Monday night the phone rang at 11:35 PM. Like most people, a late night phone call strikes fear into the heart. I picked up my cell phone and immediately my heart filled with joy instead. It was our son, Jon. I knew instantly why he was calling. And I was right. Our grandchild was on the way. He told me that, hopefully, we would be grandparents by morning. Marie had been in labor for quite awhile and they wanted to make sure it was the real thing before calling everyone. He asked us to pray for them and then the waiting began.

It was so late that I could not really call anyone to ask for prayers. I woke up James and Michael and asked them to please say a rosary for Marie and the baby. Paul was staying at Jerry's, so I called him. I knew he would be awake since he still has trouble falling asleep at night. He was awake and said he would start his rosary prayers right away. I called my sister Mary Beth and left a voice mail on her cell phone to please pray when she got the message. I thought she might still be up. Then Jon and I sat in our room, with only the moon bringing light through the windows and we said our rosary. I noted it was 11:55, and said happily, "Oh good, the Joyous Mysteries!".

We tried to sleep after that, but it was almost impossible. I had my rosary in my hand all night and my cell phone in the other! At 5 A.M. Jon took my cell phone and told me he would get it recharged........smile. He's a good man. He brought me my coffee and we sat talking for a little while about how tough it is to wait this out and how exciting it was. We went to the 6:30 A.M. Mass and I prayed with great fervency for the health and well being of the baby and strength for Marie. I had turned my cell phone ringer off, but left it sitting in the pew next to me so I would know if the baby was born while we were in Mass. It did not ring. The waiting continued. It struck me immediately during Mass that there was no better example for people to have about longing for Jesus, than what we were experiencing that morning. I asked God in that moment and I have asked Him numerous times since, to help me have an even greater longing for Christ. I dwelled on the thought about how I need to long for the sight of His face in everyone, to long for His words to bring truth in my life, to long for the love that is perfect. In this season of Advent, it is the gift we should all hope for. An even greater love for Jesus and the longing to know Him and serve Him. I completely forgot about the fact that I was waiting for my wonderful first grandchild and sat there, lost in conversation with God. I prayed fervently for this world to receive this gift of longing for the Christ Child and His love. By the time I received Communion, I was so joyous that I had a hard time keeping the tears wiped from my face. My life was so perfect in that moment of receivng the Body of Christ and realizing we are offered Christmas morning every single day. How precious the gift of Our Lord, Jesus. How tragic that the churches are not overflowing with people waiting to receive their daily bread, their gift from heaven. When I think about this perfect gift, given with perfect humility and love, why do I stay away? How do I let life keep me away? How do I let life get in the way? I am so easily preoccupied. Knowing full well my weakness, I have prayed with greater urgency in these past few days that I receive the best gift of all - the desire with my whole being to be more completely in love and union with Jesus.

By early morning, the extended family knew what the Fidero and Hennessy families were anxiously waiting to hear. The emails and phone calls were continuous. It was pretty tough having to wait until 1:00 PM to learn that a new baby boy had come into our lives. I stood outside on a sidewalk, crying as I got the news. I was with my sister Beverly and my friend Meredith Tarantino. We had met for lunch. I immediately called Jon and I could hardly stop crying. One reason was because I was not with him. I told him that it made me remember how we were not together when we learned the news Jon and Marie were expecting a child. Now we were again separated when we got this 'huge' news. Again, lots of phone calls as Beverly and I contacted everyone we could think of and whose phone numbers we had. I had to go back to work and when I got there, I told my supervisor that I honestly didn't think I would be able to get much done and promised that I would be careful to not make any mistakes! After work, all the boys, Jon, Matt Velker and I met at a restaurant and celebrated the birth of
"little Jon Fidero".

As always..........pictures will be posted later when I have time. This is the worst time of year for me at work, since everyone is out driving while preoccupied. Lots of accidents to handle and it is a crisis indeed for these people since most of them are heading to their families and friends in other towns. I have hardly had a moment to my name. We are also preparing to leave to visit Jon, Marie and Baby Jon. Paul is so excited since he will be the Godfather. He has talked alot about how he will be there to help his nephew learn all the stuff little boys need to know. I am sure he will share his love of Jesus with this baby boy too. The most perfect gift of all.

Hope when the sun is setting,
Hope through the dark of night;
Hope though the moon is waning,
Hope as we long for light.
Hope for the coming Savior,
Hope through the heart's slow race;
Hope for the kingdom's dawning,
Hope till we see His face!

At this time, I would like to ask a favor of everyone who is reading this. While we celebrate the birth of our grandson, there is a woman who has followed our story and who has asked for prayers for her granddaughter. The child's name is Cecelia and she is 19 months old. She has had to have a shunt put in, but it has not seemed to help. There are other complicating illnesses this baby girl is suffering from and I remember well how hard it is to watch a child suffer - so I know how difficult this has to be for this family. I ask that you bring the gift of your prayer for this child and family to the Baby Jesus. He will hear and answer them.

I know that all of you have very special intentions in your heart and so I want to say, that while I can't know them all, Jesus does. As we approach Christmas, I'll be praying that Jesus will look with great love and mercy on all your needs. I hope and pray that we all receive the gift of a more perfect love of the Child, Jesus, thereby turning our desire towards the gift of true life.

Glory be to the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

As Cold As Ice

2007-12-12T09:29:00.000-05:00

Chris and Mike chillin'
before freezing

Jon and the coach
looking over the
course

The course from the
starting line

Michael crossing the
finish line!!

Michael waiting
to get out of the
chute after the
race

Michael and his dad-
very happy people!

Michael back to doing
what he enjoys - yard
work in 72 degree
weather!

No place like home......

The Weather Outside is Frightful.............

2007-12-12T08:29:00.000-05:00

We took Paul to Charlotte on Tuesday for his final check up with Dr. McLanahan and Dr. Matthews. At least, that is what we thought. In relation to the shunt, it was a final check up and there is nothing more to be done other than monitor it. It is working very well. I talked to Dr. McLanahan about the problem we noticed on Paul's forehead. He has long indentations coming down his forehead on the left side. Dr. McLanahan said it is due to the fact that he did a craniotomy on Paul when the reconstructive surgery was done. The bone has not grown back and it will be watched closely. On a CT taken last August, he showed us the area where the scars are on the skull. He said that he is not concerned at this time about that. Another CT was taken and the best thing he noticed was Paul's ventricles are continuing to reduce in size, which is a main goal. He said that he would not adjust the shunt at all, since Paul's headaches were continuing to improve. He said he is not satisfied with Paul's continued problem of having headaches 24/7, even though they are so low. He will consult with Dr. Matthews about the scars and headache issues and would get back with us.

We went to see Dr. Matthews and he checked Paul's eye function. He encouraged Paul to continue working on the exercises that he was doing at Shepherd, as he still believes Paul will be able to coordinate his eye movement to a much finer degree. He will need to do a few more minor surgeries to shave away scar tissue above the eye socket, where there had been so much damage. He feels that is what is keeping Paul's eye from moving up or down. He did not give a specific answer about the issue of the scars from the craniotomy. He needed to see the current CT and would discuss with Dr. McLanahan. I was left with an uneasy feeling, but immediately put it in God's hands and asked Him to guide these doctors.

Paul had more electrical stimulation done while we were there. Anna, Dr. Matthews’ associate, talked a lot about keeping Paul on a very healthy diet. It is important to concentrate on keeping the liver healthy after all the medications he has been on for so long. A good healthy diet will go a long way to accomplish that. Nothing new about that statement! But Paul was listening this time and he is not as argumentative about drinking a lot more water. He continues to have a problem with realizing he needs food or water. He does not really feel hunger. He knows it is time to eat and he loves to enjoy a meal with us, but he doesn't ever say he is hungry. One day this last week, when he said his head was hurting, I asked him if he had eaten breakfast or lunch, he said no. When asked why not, he said he hadn't thought about it. He had not had anything to drink either.
Hunger and thirst do not seem to be felt.

Anna gave us more information about the electrical treatment. As it turns out, she has a home in Atlanta also. She is going to bring us a preprogrammed machine and will give us the training on administering this for Paul. We will be able to do this for him daily. They want to give this treatment a huge effort and then if that does not work, we will discuss the issue of nerve replacement surgery. That is a major surgery, one we are not going to consider without much prayer and consideration. We would like to see more healing overall, before Paul gets knocked back down with a surgery. He said he would be very willing to have the surgery if it meant he could blink and smile again. He has become very conscious of how he looks and is bothered by it. I know how he feels. I had facial paralysis for 11 months when I was 27 years old. I felt very weird and it is tough to be stared at. I did get 80% recovery and was so thankful to God. I had only a tiny glimpse of the world in which people with permanent deformities live. It is so difficult having limitations on normal movement. Now that he doesn't use tape on his eyelid during the day, most people don't notice anything is different while he wears his sunglasses. I know that is why he prefers to keep them on. We pray for the guidance in helping Paul make the decision about what to do next in regards to this major surgery.

We have completed the therapy at Shepherd for now. They gave Paul instructions for continuing his therapy at home and will see how he progresses. They will schedule an appointment for his neuro-psych evaluation. Paul will not be able to go to school this Spring. We were so disappointed about it. I had to trust God there was a reason. Since Paul had been out for 2 years, he needed to reapply. That deadline was missed when Shepherd Center started to look at getting him back in school. One thing they noticed was Paul was very reluctant about going back. While he was ready cognitively, emotionally it may have been premature. He had been asked to do some things in regards to registration and he did not complete the tasks. We were not aware of this. It was a combination of things that caused the deadline to be missed. I feel in my heart that it must not have meant to be. After our last appointment with the Charlotte doctors, it seems better that they complete the work of fine tuning the functioning of Paul's eye. It will help Paul be more successful when he does take college courses. In the meantime, Paul will register for the Summer session. That is why the neuro-psych evaluation was put off until Spring. The results will be current for the cognitive, emotional and physical state that Paul is in at that time. The results will be given to the school so that they can assess Paul's needs and match them with the available help.

In the meantime, we will continue to provide daily course work for Paul to do to keep some skills needed for college. He has taken an active role in that. He and Jon purchased a Nintendo DS which has a program that helps to build word recognition, spelling and use. We have noticed that Paul is limited in word recall and this is a fun way to help him remember words he has forgotten. Another useful thing we where shown is a Timex watch that will allow him to transfer data from the computer, where he programs his weekly schedule. The watch will then send the messages throughout the day to remind Paul of what he needs to remember to do next, since he still has problems with short term memory. It was an issue of concern for his therapist at Shepherd, in regards to his being ready for college. We remain hopeful that there is still a lot more progress he will make. It really does take time and it is a tough lesson in patience for us all.

I have to say, when the doctors and staff saw Paul last week, everyone of them commented on how huge a leap Paul has taken since they saw him last. Both doctors seemed relieved and encouraged that he has come this far. It was fun to watch their faces when they saw him as they entered the room. He has gained some weight, has great color and HAS A GOOD HAIRCUT! I know Paul was happy to hear them talking so positively about how good he looks and how healthy he has become.

On Friday, we got to focus on Michael and the Junior National Olympics in Kansas City. As Jon, Michael and I were lifting off from Atlanta, the pilot made an announcement to welcome aboard all the Olympic athletes who were on this flight. It was so fun to hear that. We noticed there were at least 7 young men on board. Michael and his friend, Chris, attend the same college and they both qualified for the event. We landed in Kansas City and walked outside into the freezing cold. It became instantly clear that we were not prepared for the weather. The gloves, hats and windbreaker coat I had on were no match for the biting wind. I should have known better since I was raised in the northern state of Wisconsin. As we came through the clouds upon landing, Chris and Mike noticed the snow on the ground and instantly turned to look at each other and I saw Mike mouth the words, "Mother of God". Neither of them had run in weather any colder than 40 degrees and it became clear that this was going to be one tough race. We drove out to the farm in Perry, Kansas where the event would take place and they walked the trail. It had snowed the day before, and the trail was now icy and muddy. Michael said that he didn’t think he would do very well, but would try hard to make it worth the money spent to get there. The next morning, we woke up to 20 degree weather, with the wind chill factor making it feel like 10 degrees. We got up early so we could go to Mass on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, a holy day of obligation. We used the GPS to help us find the closest Catholic church. It took us to an abandoned building! I was really sad that we were not going to be able to make it to Mass. As we sat in the parking lot, Michael remembered the names of the streets of an intersection that someone had mentioned might be the location of a Catholic church. We entered that information and drove as quickly as we could on the icy streets. We got there and unfortunately, I parked on the wrong side of the huge church building. We tried to walk up the stairs on one side, but it was too icy. So we walked back around the other way and had to climb a very steep hill in the icy snow, while holding onto the wall of the church to keep from slipping. Our tennis shoes did not help one bit! We made it to the top and got into church right before the Gospel. We were frozen. I didn’t take time to completely dry my hair and as Mass continued, I started to shiver so hard from the chill of it. I prayed with complete thanksgiving that heaven helped us find the church and that we had food and shelter and warm (at least for Atlanta weather) clothing to wear. I was so aware of our blessings in life! As I sat there thanking God, I was picturing how hard it had been to get inside the building. It would have been so easy to just quit and use the excuse that we had tried our hardest and to have turned around when we first were lost. But I felt so compelled to find the church and God provided Michael with the way. We struggled in the freezing drizzle to climb up that hill, keeping our balance with use of the church building. What a perfect visual aid for me! It has been the church – all of our brothers and sisters in Christ – who we have clung to as we climbed so many hills. I thought about how I always want to have that desire to stay close to God, no matter how hard the trail. I prayed that my desire to receive the Body of Christ that day would grow stronger with each day I lived. I know that is how Jesus wants us to desire Him in every moment of our life. I felt such joy being there with Him that morning. On that beautiful feast day of Blessed Mary, I was sure She had had a hand in getting us to Her Son! Days later, I was reminded that a Mass was said for Jon and me at Ave Maria on Friday night. James and Shannon were there praying for us. I know their prayers helped us receive Jesus at Mass on Saturday. Oh, that wonderful power of prayer!

Michael and Chris did pretty well, given the conditions and their lack of experience in the cold. They placed 120 and 133 out of 173 runners. The winners came from Montana and Idaho. Not a surprise……….smile. When Michael crossed the finish line, we were so proud of him. He has been a cross country runner for only 4 months and was in the Jr. National Olympics. Like Paul, there is a lot of hope and promise for his future. He came out of the finishing gates and hugged Jon so hard. He thanked us both for going through all the expense and trouble of being there with him. Yes – it was a priceless moment seeing his joyous smile and receiving those hugs.

We pray dear brothers and sisters, that everyone continues to seek God and His will, with an Olympic size effort. We pray no one loses their way on the trail that will allow us to see His joyous and loving face at the end of our journey.
You don’t want to be left out in the cold.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Coming Soon to a Computer Near You

2007-12-11T07:26:00.000-05:00

2 new posts will be entered this afternoon...............ran into some technical difficulties.
I am so sorry to keep you waiting.
God bless! - Rebecca

Take A Look At Me Now

2007-12-03T08:17:00.000-05:00

I have been unable to get the short movie we took of Paul at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament on. I will continue to work on it. We were happy to see how relaxed he was - much like he used to be when he performed.

On Friday, Paul went with all the other employees at DTSi to the company Christmas party that was held in north Georgia. They had cabins rented and Paul really wanted to go. It was easy for us to say yes, because...................PAUL IS OFF ALL PRESCRIPTION DRUGS! He had missed a couple of doses in the last 2 weeks and we saw it didn't affect the level of his headaches. So we started to split the doses in half and then moved him off of the medications all together. Even without his prescriptions, his headaches only get up to a level 4. He mostly has had a dull pain that he says in around 2 - 2.5. If it gets higher, he is using Advil to help. So, he is now using Advil once or twice a day. He is now going without taping his eye closed at all, so since he is so low maintenance, we decided he would be fine going on his first 'solo' trip. No parents, no Jerry, no Judy. We talked to Paul about remembering his eye drops throughout the day and he said he was ready for that - he knows to use them every one to 2 hours. He got himself packed and ready and headed off to work on Friday morning and were told he would be home Saturday, late afternoon. He told me he was sorry he would not be home for my birthday on Saturday and I responded that I was receiving a beautiful gift instead............more independence for him.

On Friday night, I was out with my sister Bev, and my dear friend Meredith Tarantino, and my cell phone rang. It was about 9 PM and I saw that it was Paul. The conversation started with, "Mom, this is Paul and I thought I should call you about something that has happened." I immediately thought, "We have a 3 hour drive ahead of us." I asked what was the matter and he said, "Nothing is really the matter. But something has happened and I wanted to tell you. I don't have any headache at all. None. My head does not hurt even a little bit. Awhile ago, my head was hurting at about a 3.0 and I was going to get some Advil. But then I waited until after dinner and now my head does not hurt at all. I have been laughing and having a good time and even the laughing didn't cause my head to hurt like it always does. I just wanted you to know that." I asked him, "So after 2 years Paul, how does it feel to have no headache?"
FAN - FLIPPIN-TASTIC was his respsonse. He was laughing as he said it. He then told me that when he opened the door of his cabin earlier, he had seen a bobcat. He was pretty excited about that too. It was quite a huge weekend for Paul and he came home as happy as can be. I have to tell you, we are so blessed with the companies we work for. DTSi has stuck by Paul through it all and they held his job open for him. It was a slow walk back for him, but he is now working on new duties and is very excited to accomplish new tasks. He told us he really wants to do a good job because he loves everybody at his job and he wants to pay them back by doing a good job. I have been blessed with my job, as they have allowed me to get Paul back and forth to his job when Judy or Jerry can't. Jon's company, Ikon Office Solutions, has allowed him to take a lot of time off to take turns with me getting Paul to Charlotte. More gifts from God!

I had the best birthday ever. It started with Judy dropping by my office on Friday morning and bringing me roses! I was so surprised. We all love her so much - she is truly like another mother to Paul and Michael. Michael came home from college on Friday and Jerry took us out to lunch. Then on Saturday, I got flowers from Jon and Marie - they had 3 roses included - one from each of them...............smile. Saturday morning, Jon and I went to First Saturday Mass and I have to tell you, I had tears flowing like a river. I spent a good portion of the day remembering 2 years ago when Paul was able to silently mouth 'happy birthday mom'. Yes, take a look at him now! I also spent a good portion of the day thanking God. I was in conversation with Him so often throughout the day. How could I not be? I can't help but 'Take a Look At Him Now!' I know His presence so much better. I feel His presence often. Praise be to God and to His Son who saved us and to the Holy Spirit who moves our souls closer to Our Father.

Paul, Michael and Jerry went to see a comedian on Saturday night and Jon and I went to see the Turtle Island string quartet/ Leo Kottke concert. We all met back at our house and shared our stories. One more time, we have been graced with a joyful ending to a joyful day.

Last night, Paul came into the house with his dear friend Nathan Rose. Paul got sidetracked playing his guitar, so Nathan and I were talking. He said he sees a lot of Paul's personality coming through and also the changes. I mentioned that Paul says he doesn't have a passion for music, yet look at him - anytime he picks up his guitar, he gets lost in the music. Nathan said something that really may be the case. He said that he thinks Paul is aware that God wanted him to change. He had this passion for music before and was heading in that direction and then God stopped him. Maybe Paul thinks God wants him to do something else and that is why he allowed the accident to happen. While Paul still loves music, maybe he thinks God wants him to do something completely different. We had not thought about it like that before. When Jon and I talked about it after Paul and Nathan left, Jon said that maybe God just wants Paul to do something a 'little' different with his music, since Paul was given this talent. Time and prayers for direction will tell us.

The tests they ran on Paul's lungs showed he does have mild asthmas and it just flared up over the Fall season. His lungs are in very good shape after all the damage done to them. While he won't be able to compete in 5k runs, he is certainly free to enjoy anything he wants to try.
We are taking him to his last (hopefully) visit to Charlotte tomorrow. He will see both the neurosurgeon and reconstructive surgeon. We are looking forward to a lot less travel in that direction in the new year!

With our most heartfelt thanks to everyone who has prayed us this far forward,
we remain your brothers and sisters in Christ. All of the intentions of those who have thought of us and prayed for us were included in our 5 mile Rosary walk on Saturday and in the hour of adoration we spent in front of the Blessed Sacrament yesterday.
May you be blessed with far greater abundance than us!
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Getting to Know You, Getting to Know All About You

2007-11-27T23:33:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving Day and oh yes, there was so much to be thankful for. Our house was filled with so much laughter and fun. After the 10 A.M. Mass, I had asked if there were any traditions that our 3 guests had with their own families that we could incorporate into the day. Shannon said that they make place settings for each person with construction paper and cardboard rolls from bathroom/paper towels. Each roll is decorated as an indian or pilgrim. James, Paul, Shannon, Lillian and Joe worked on them while I got the Thanksgiving meal ready. Our '5th' son, Matt Velker came by and joined us for dinner too. It was a perfect day.

Friday morning, Jon, Paul and I went to Hanceville, Alabama to see the nuns at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. The weather was crisp and beautiful and since most people were at the shopping malls, the traffic was very light. Big bonus for us! We had about 40 minutes to spare when we got there so we sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament for a while to present our intentions to Jesus. We then found a quiet place for Paul to warm up before he played his guitar for the nuns. We waited in the hallway until we were invited into the parlor. A young woman, who is in the novitiate, came to meet us. She told us her name was Isabella. I told her we would definitely remember her name since it is the same one Jon and Marie have chosen if their baby is a girl. She agreed it was a perfect name. Then, she looked at Paul and asked, " Are you Paul Fidero? We have really been looking forward to your coming here to play for us." She then asked us to come into the parlor. There were about 8 young seminarians who were visiting from Ohio and they were still visiting with the nuns. Sr. Marie St. John asked if Paul would mind playing for the seminarians also and Paul said he would not mind at all. Within minutes, the chairs were all filled on the parlor side and also on the other side, where the cloistered nuns sat. I told them that Paul had been practicing for weeks and that he had even memorized his songs for the nuns. This was not as easy as it seemed since Paul struggles with short term memory problems. But with practice, he did it. He played Ode to Joy, then Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring. After these 2 songs, he looked up and with a serious face said, "The next song is one by the Rolling Stones." The whole room erupted into laughter at this and I could tell Paul was really having a wonderful time entertaining. He was enjoying the fact that he had made everyone laugh with his joking. He then finished his 3rd classical piece and he looked up and gave everyone his huge smile as they clapped for him. Later, he told me how awesome it was to look up and see all those nuns looking at him with such wonderful smiles. He was really touched by it. We got to spend an hour with the nuns, priest and seminarians! It was incredible. One of the nuns, Sr. Mary Clare, was not there when Paul played, so when she came in about 25 mintues later, he sat down and played just for her. On our last trip, she had asked us to pray for her baby nephew, who has a very rare disease. She told us Connor was not doing very well at all and asked us to keep up our prayer vigil for him. She was happy to hear that the picture she had given us on our last trip, of Mother Angelica holding Connor, was placed in front of the statue of Blessed Mother. We placed it there so we would remember to keep him in our daily prayers and also as a visible sign that Our Mother in heaven truly looks over us all in our needs. We found out that Sr. Marie St. John keeps a picture of Paul on her desk and she prays for him everyday! We told her that the prayers are surely being heard in heaven, because Paul is doing so much better. She did say that she was totally amazed at the difference in his appearance in only 4 months. We left the Shrine with the promise that when Paul had a lot more songs learned, he would come back and continue to share his gift of music with them.
We were supposed to meet the group of Ave Maria University students, along with the nuns and priests from that school, but they had left the shrine earlier to go to EWTN in Birmingham. We told them we would call them after Paul played for the nuns and would then try to meet them.
I called Anne Shea and found out that they were still at EWTN and so we drove about 40 miles to meet them there. They were at the monastery about 2 miles away from EWTN when we arrived, so we waited in the chapel . I was just overflowing with the joy of the day and it was great to be sitting in front of the Tabernacle, thanking Jesus for all the blessings we have received. I cannot describe the amount of happiness I felt while sitting there.

The chartered bus pulled up outside and Anne came into the chapel to welcome us. In October, it was Anne who asked if we could come to the Shrine during the Thanksgiving weekend, after she read on the blog that we had hoped to bring Paul back to the Shrine once he had learned a few songs. When I told Paul about the idea, he kicked into high gear to learn the songs very quickly so we could time our visit with Ave Maria’s. There were almost 60 people on the bus. Paul was most especially looking forward to seeing Jordan Shea. They had met about 4 years prior, when some of the students at the Ave Maria Michigan campus were traveling to Daytona Beach during Spring break to evangelize to the youth at the beach. Jon was attending Ave Maria at the time, so he asked Paul (who was 18 yrs old) to join them. We drove Paul to Augusta and dropped him off at the Shea's house. From there, the 2 van loads of students traveled to Florida. That is when we all met the Shea family. Jordan was about 12 years old at that time and we later learned that he had really enjoyed being with Paul and had been very sad to see Paul leave. Jordan is not able to hear out of one ear and has very limited hearing in the other. Out of all the people who were at the Shea house, it was with Paul that Jordan felt a connection. In hindsight, it is easy to see God’s hand at work! Paul was really looking forward to seeing Jordan again. He wanted to share the fact that he too suffers with the loss of hearing in one ear. So as we came into the room where everyone was gathered to have dinner, Paul was looking for Jordan. Jon told me later he was keeping an eye out for Jordan too because he wanted to see his face when he saw Paul. He was not disappointed. He said that when Jordan saw Paul, his face lit up into a huge smile and he went quickly to Paul’s side. Paul recognized him instantly and smiled right back. They immediately started talking about having hearing aides and comparing the functions of each set. They shared all the difficulties they endure, but especially the constant ringing in their ears. Both of them agreed that they will listen to music or watch a movie to take their minds off the constant ringing noise they hear 24/7. While we can empathize with Paul, only Jordan would understand what it is like. They talked the whole time during dinner and were really enjoying each other’s company.

Now, along with the Shea's, there were lots of students and their families, nuns and priests and also Fr. Raphael, who is the founder of the religious order of nuns called The Home of the Mother. Anne Shea’s daughter, Katherine, is in the novitiate stage at the convent in Spain. The nuns who were on this trip belong to this order also. After dinner, Fr. Raphael got a microphone and to our surprise, introduced Paul. He speaks Spanish, so he had to use an interpreter. He asked Paul if he would tell everyone about his faith journey. I was a little worried that Paul would become overwhelmed with the request and so I immediately prayed that if God needed someone to hear His words, please send the Holy Spirit to help Paul speak them. Paul started out by telling everyone who he was before the accident. He said he went to church because he was supposed to. He prayed occasionally, but really didn’t have much of a relationship with God. He said that he pretty much lived his life according to his own will. He said he must have had a meeting with God during his coma because when he woke up, he could not stop thinking about God. He thinks about Him almost all the time now. Before he attempts to do most anything, he asks God to help him. He asks God to help heal him every day. He talks to God so much more. He told the young people that they needed to change their lives to be one with God. It was the most important thing they could do. If they weren’t in a close relationship with Jesus, they should change their lives right away. Paul mentioned that they didn’t need to have an accident to learn it. He must have needed to learn it that way, but not everyone has to go through that. He said he never regrets what has happened to him. He said, “Look at me – with all my physical problems and hearing loss and the paralysis, even with that, I don’t regret a thing. God allowed it to happen for a reason. He knows what needs to be done in my life. So I don’t regret anything that has happened.” Fr. Raphael asked Paul a number of questions, as did some of the students. Paul stayed very much at ease and answered them all patiently. Near the end, he started to repeat himself more than before, so I knew he was getting very tired. It was now around 8:30 and we had been away from home since 9:00 A.M. It had been a huge day for Paul. Fr. Raphael then asked Paul if he would play his guitar for the group. Paul got his guitar and they made a space for him in the middle of the room. As he sat down and got situated, Jordan got the portable microphone and ran down to where Paul was and he knelt on the floor in front of Paul and held the microphone in front of the guitar so that everyone could hear him play. I had to work hard to hold back the tears as I watched Jordan kneeling at Paul’s feet, making sure his friend’s music would be heard. The beauty of that act, by this sweet young man who has difficulty hearing – knowing instantly what to do to get the sound of the music out to everyone’s ears. God was speaking volumes in that act of love. I felt very blessed to be a witness to it.

It came time for everyone to leave. We had a 3 hour drive back to Atlanta and they had to get back to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament. We got to meet so many wonderful people in that short period of time. There was a couple from Connecticut who told us they still read the blog and asked us to pray for them as they had to drive back home from Florida on Sunday. What an awesome thing for us – meeting the people who have helped pray Paul back to good health! You can bet we remembered them in prayer as requested. We got to meet another Sister Isabella. She had come from the convent in Spain. Hmmmm……I wonder if Marie’s baby is a girl………….
It took us a good while to get all the goodbye’s completed, but finally everyone was on the bus and in the vans and ready to leave. As we stood there, a man and woman came up to us and the man introduced himself to Paul. He told Paul that he had been listening to his story and he was going to read through the blog. He said he was the director of programming ( I believe that is what he said………..sorry, I was very tired at this point!) at EWTN. He said he believed that this story was something they would want to tell on EWTN and he asked Paul if he would be interested. Paul told him that he would and asked what he needed to do. He was told that they were going to read about his story on the blog and they would then call to make an appointment to discuss it all. We were asked for our phone numbers and told that they would be in touch with us.

We were stunned. Literally stunned. As we walked back to our van, Paul was laughing joyously about how awesome his day had gone. He could not believe how great it was seeing the nuns smiling at him, and seeing Jordan again and then getting to play his guitar for everyone and then maybe getting to be on EWTN. I can tell you, his joy was being shared by his parents! We could not believe what an awesome day it had been. One blessed moment after another. We talked about it almost all the way back home.

Yes, getting to know our ‘new’ Paul, we are getting to know God more each day.

“Blessed are the ears that heed the inner whisperings of the Lord, and pay no attention to the deceitful murmurings of this world; and blessed indeed are the ears which do not listen to the loud voices from outside, but instead are attentive to Him, Who inwardly teaches the truth.”
Imitation of Christ, 3:1

Speak Lord, for your servant is listening. (1 Sam 3:9)
May you incline your hearts to follow what Jesus speaks to your souls,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

P.S. Last and certainly not least…….Paul is now completely off his prescriptions for headaches! He uses Advil only once a day, usually in the morning when he wakes up. He uses ice packs and exercises from the chiropractor during the day, when he feels a headache coming on, and it helps him avoid taking medication.He has mild headaches still, but he mostly doesn’t notice it enough to even mention it. He still has loud ringing in his left ear, but we keep praying that it will be healed. All things in God’s time. Praise be to God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Thanksgiving Weekend Pictures

2007-11-27T09:43:00.000-05:00

There is a great story that I will post tonight. Here are a few pictures of our weekend. Let me
tell you, it was a jammed packed, action filled weekend! Check back tonight for a HUGE story. I
will fill you in on the stories behind the pictures.

Jordan and Paul meet again after 4 years!

Stephanie with her parents, Paul and
Sandy. Welcome to the Catholic church
Stephanie!! She was baptized and
confirmed on Saturday night.

Joe, Paul, James, Shannon and Lillian work on the
place markers for our Thanksgiving day table setting.

Our Thanksgiving pilgrims and indians
serving as place
markers - A tradition from the Kilian family!

Lillian, Joe, James and Shannon getting ready to leave
Sunday - we really do miss them all !

Michael and Lillian raking up the leaves.
Lillian was so happy to
see the Fall leaves - she just had to take a plunge!
She and Joe live in the Midwest and they miss
the cold weather and Fall leaves now that they
are in Florida at Ave Maria University

Paul at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament -
he was there to play his guitar for the nuns who have
been praying for him. He's a visible sign of prayers
answered.

Paul and Jon approaching the statue of the Child
Jesus at the entrance of the Shrine.

One last picture of our sons with their incredible
friends. It was the end of a most blessed weekend.

Running On Empty

2007-11-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

Michael on the far left

Great picture - both
feet off the ground.

Uncle Jim dubbed him
"Mercury Mike"

So, one year later, we again look back at where we were last year at this time and can't believe the long way we've come! Last year, we were driving home from our very first visit with Dr. McLanahan and he had given us so much hope about being able to help Paul. It took us 7 hours to get home from Charlotte that day before Thanksgiving. We were wiped out from it all, but we were so joyous that we had a promise of help on the horizon. We had no idea that it would take 4 surgeries to accomplish the task, but completed it is. Praise God for all the recovery that Paul has gained.

Two years ago, Paul was still in his coma and Jon and James were driving home during the night to be with us on Thanksgiving. It was a very strange day for us, but it too ended with much hope. Paul had moved his right arm as his brother Jon played songs that they had recorded. Then, while we were praying the rosary as we all stood around his hospital bed, Paul yawned. We started to believe Paul might be coming out of his coma. It would be around 11 PM on Thanksgiving night that Paul woke from his coma and the nurse who was on duty knew we would learn of it the next morning. Thanksgiving has taken on a much deeper meaning for our family, that is for sure. Not only were we given the gift of Paul's life, we were given a gift of a closer relationship with God. Those gifts brought us to a new pathway - one that continually brings so much hope and trust in God's unconditional love. One that has taught us that God will help us in His way and time, if we allow it.

All of you know our story and have seen that God has worked so many miracles and has shown so many signs of His love. The recovery has been slowly progressing and the outcome is not known, but we are sure that God has been in charge. We are sure that any purpose God has for each of us will come to pass if we stay on this pathway. We are sure that we are each called by name and that we have our own ‘point and purpose’ in the world. We just have to stay in touch with God or we will surely lose our way. In the past few weeks I have really been trying hard to make it to Mass each day, like we used to do before Paul’s accident. Our lives have become so full again with lots of assorted activities outside of our jobs and I have found it very hard to get up so early in the morning. I have also been experiencing more migraine headaches lately. I have tried to remember that Paul would still get up and try to function each day with his constant headaches and that has sometimes been the ‘push’ I needed to get up and get ready. Other times I would ask Jon at night to keep after me until I actually sat up and got going. I have tried the ‘guilt’ tactic on myself, the pep talk, the promise of coming back home and sleeping for a half hour before going to work, the reminder of how Jesus suffered and surely my fatigue did not compare………………sometimes it would help, but lately, I have been so tired from all that is going on in our lives, with the added lack of sleep from my migraines, nothing was getting me out of bed. So, I talked to a priest about it and said that I could not believe my lack of discipline and how I should be the first one showing up each morning. My sons were alive and healthy, I have a grandchild on the way, I have a loving husband, a steady income, a nice home, incredible friends and family. The priest reminded me that I should ask myself how I would like it if God told me that He didn’t have time to take care of my needs today, but would try to get back to me in a couple of days or so. Jesus has invited us to be with Him every day and to receive the gift of His body and blood and the graces that brings. There is no more beautiful gift on earth. Of course, I know this to be true, but hearing this priest talk about it helped me have a true desire to be with Jesus each day. While getting up each morning is a discipline, the desire to be with Jesus was there. Oh what a battle between the flesh and the spirit. I am so weak a person and I cannot believe how easy it is to lose a discipline. For me anyway! So, all this is leading to what happened to me this morning. I had a really bad migraine which had me awake at 4:00 A.M. Jon gets up at 4:00 each morning and says the rosary, reads the news online, brings me a cup of coffee, then gets his shower. His discipline is exemplary. I always try to attain just a little of it, but seem to fail miserably. I am not a 4 A.M. kind of person. Nor a 5, 6 or 7. Eight is good.
Anyway, I was up and asked Jon if he would bring me an aspirin with my cup of coffee. I fell asleep before he came back upstairs and so did not even hear him bring my coffee. He was getting ready to leave and I heard him walk into the room. I looked at the clock and it was 5:50. It was almost too late for me to get to church on time. I asked him why he had not gotten me up and he said that he knew I was feeling poorly and he felt I needed to sleep more than anything since I had a long day ahead of me with everyone coming home for the weekend. I almost stayed in bed, but then I knew I would have so much more peace in my day if I made it to Mass. I sat up in bed to see if I could handle the pain in my head and there was a dried rose petal on the side of my pillow. I picked it up and told Jon that apparently, someone wanted me at Mass that day. I thought to myself that it must be Mary or St. Therese. The rose petal must have fallen out of the book we are using for the devotion of the Consecration to Mary. It is a 30 day novena and we are on day 16. I have been reading this book for 16 days now and I had not ever noticed the rose petal in it. But it finally must have fallen out the night before and landed on my pillow. That is the only way I can think of it being there. (I have saved rose petals from the garden outside the adoration chapel at Corpus Christi and placed them in my Magnificat prayer book, but I haven’t done it in years. At some point, I must have placed one in this devotional book .) So, I got up and raced as fast as I could to get ready in time. Amazingly, the priest had also overslept and so I was not late. The absolutely best part was when I opened my Magnificat book and saw that it was the Feast of the Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I got tears in my eyes from the joy I felt in that moment. Our sweet Blessed Mother had helped me up this morning and I thanked her over and over for her help. I knew instantly that it was her because we are right in the middle of our Consecration to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, which will be finished on December 8th. That is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Of course it would be Mary who would help me come to be with Her Son, Jesus! Then, in his homily, Father quoted St. Therese! So, it looks like I was tag-teamed!

I have been running on empty, but with God’s grace, will get back on track.

That brings me to some very exciting news. Last Saturday, we went to Michael’s end of the season Sports Award Banquet. He has been running cross country at college. He joined the team because he had started running last Summer and wanted to continue running. He was not expected to be much of a runner because he had had no prior experience or training. It turns out that after all those years of being chased by James and staying out of reach of the ‘strike zone’, Michael is a decent runner. He has been the #2 man on the team. Last Saturday, the team came back from their last run of the season and Michael greeted us with the statement, “Your boy is going to Kansas City.” He then told us that he had just finished running the qualifying race to the National Junior Olympics! He was the 20th runner to finish, which was the cut off. He had fallen too! His coaches told us that they were so happy with his ability and said that we should be so proud of him since he had no prior experiences. They are going to be working with him to help him do his best at the final meet. He will need to be in the top 25 to be recognized on the national level. While he may not make that goal, he may now be eligible to receive an athletic scholarship next year. I cannot tell you who was more excited about all this – Michael or his parents. We were so shocked. As we were saying goodbye to him to come back home, we were talking about our faith and how many blessings we have received. I told Michael to be sure to pray and thank God for all He has done for him. He told us that he says his rosary every day and then said, “I was on my knees praying the rosary this morning before I ran.” I hugged him so hard and told him I was more happy to hear that than hearing about his going to the National Junior Olympics. It will be his praying the rosary that will keep him from ‘Running on Empty.”

On Friday, we will be driving to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament so Paul can play his guitar for the nuns. They asked us to be there at 2:30. Paul has been practicing a lot and today called me to tell me some really good news. He said he all of a sudden remembered some of the training he had received a couple of years ago, and it has helped him play with a more fluid movement. He immediately showed Jon and me as soon as we got home from work. It was really neat to see him so enthused about it. There was a lot of chaos when we got home because James had just pulled into the driveway also, and there was a lot of hugging going on. James brought home 3 students from Ave Maria – his girlfriend Shannon, and Joe and Lillian (brother and sister). Right after we all walked inside, Paul pulled out his guitar to show Jon and me what he remembered. He played the songs really well. He truly is ready to play his songs for the nuns.

He continually is improving in the level of headache pain and the frequency. We have dropped one prescription drug that he took twice a day and have dropped a dose of the other prescription pain medication. He occasionally will take an Advil to get him over the pain of a headache and the headache levels are no higher than 5. He is also not wearing his sunglasses as much. Each day he wears them less and less. On Sunday, Jon and I were asked to bring up the gifts at the Offertory. After the gifts were taken from us, Father Paddy took our hands and blessed us, then said, “I saw Paul at the 5 o’clock Mass last night and his eye looks grand. He is looking so much better, praise be to God.” We have had so many people tell us how wonderful he is looking. When I think back to July and our first visit to the Shrine, Paul has improved a great deal. I am sure the nuns will be so pleased to see how far he has recovered since that time. A visible sign of prayers being answered.

We wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving day. May you feel His love pouring out from heaven, bringing you peace and joy.

Love,
The Fidero Family

11 / 11 /05 - 11 / 11 / 07

2007-11-12T08:06:00.000-05:00

With grateful hearts we celebrated the 2nd year anniversary date of Paul's accident. There was a blessed peacefulness throughout the day.

Thanks be to God, His angels and saints, and to you, all our brothers and sisters in Christ for the prayers that have kept Paul alive and moving toward more recovery each day.

Peace to all of you and your families,
With great love,
Jon and Rebecca

Makes Me Want to Shout

2007-11-05T08:58:00.000-05:00

In the days following Paul's accident, Jon and James had to go back to school and they asked me to keep the blog going so they would know what was going on. So when I started to write the information, I was doing it with the thought that my family and a few close friends were reading it. Once I learned so many others were reading it, I told Jon I wasn't sure I could continue it because it made me nervous to know it was being read by complete strangers. He told me to just write what was in my heart and thoughts and God would take care of the rest. I immediately thought that I should temper the statements about our Catholic faith and make it more generic so that I would not offend anyone. I mean, complete strangers were reading and I didn't want to 'hit them over the head' with our faith and values. But what kept coming to mind was that it wasn't so much our story anymore, it was God's story. Plain and simple. The way this story spread and with hundreds of people praying for our family - that became the next miracle after God spared Paul's life. We got personal emails from young people who were thanking us for helping them in their search for faith, or just restoring their faith. We had strangers come up and introduce themselves and they would let us know how wonderful it was to read the blog and it filled them with renewed hope in their own lives. So often, I found myself sitting in front of my computer without a clue of what I would write down. I learned to pray to the Holy Spirit to help my words be what God wanted people to know. It WAS HIS STORY and I would type, He would provide. Because it was His story, I decided that I would not make it a crowd pleaser. I would write God's story in its fullest and with the truths we have learned in Scripture and God's word to His people. I wanted everyone to know the everlasting love of God for his children and how we are all connected as one body in Christ. It was a truth we were learning day after day. So often, the words of John Paul II have helped me get through the days and months of Paul's slow recovery process. BE NOT AFRAID. I would repeat them and follow them with JESUS, I TRUST IN YOU. I continue to work hard to live by those words and yes, I fail often. But I will continue to persevere in my attempt because I have been changed.

I have asked myself, "Why would anyone continue to read this blog? Why do they hang on to this slow moving story?" Maybe, it is because Paul's recovery is something tangible and real. It is measurable. With the onslaught of attacks against Christianity in our world today, stories like this help keep us renewed in hope and trust. Ours is only one of many. It is one that has shown how much love people possess and are capable of sharing. It has been a story of incredible charitable acts. We have been made aware of other people's struggles and we consider ourselves so blessed that God has personally invited us to help others make it through struggles with more prayers and loving actions. So often, we keep our religious lives quietly tucked away and separate from our secular life. We keep our love of God confined to our faith communities and then stay quiet when we are out in the world. We hear so much in the media that ridicules those who are trying to share the truth and enormity of God's love for us. Christianity is being attacked from so many directions and there does not seem to be a loud response in defense of God's love and truth. I found myself guilty of this too. I tempered all the love , the joy, the hope and trust I was experiencing, with guarded conversation. Why do we do that? When we have been a witness to so many miracles, why are we guarded in our interactions with the secular world? Be Not Afraid comes to my mind again. God graced us with a very full knowledge that He would not abandon us in the days following Paul's accident. We actually were able to feel His peace and love surrounding us, even though we were told Paul had no chance of living. We felt so blessed that God took our family by the hand and asked us to keep a prayerful vigil with Jesus at Gethsemane, asked us to walk side by side with Jesus at Calvary. He asked us to trust in His everlasting love and gave us the joy of knowing we would not be abandoned. In the darkest hours, we felt His presence. Those who have been graced with intense suffering, prayerfully will have knowledge of the joy that will follow. So I ask myself, "Why would we not share that joy, that incredible and immense joy of God's love, with everyone we encounter?" Why do we not come right out and say that if it were not for God, we are nothing.? I know who I was before this accident and I know I would not have chosen me to be the one to write about God’s love. What I now know is that God will take a ‘weak link’ and will use it for His purpose. That way, everyone will know it was His might and power that accomplished the task at hand. The key is, all I had to do was say yes. I saw Blessed Mary’s example of “Yes” to God and tried, in my humble way, to follow that example. And God has not abandoned me. I am not always strong and I sometimes still cry out “Why have you left me alone to handle this?” I sometimes feel real sadness when I think about how Paul will never return to exactly the person he was. I feel real sadness when I think that he may never reach full independence and no parent wants to see that for their children. In these times of despair or fear, His word comes to me and I am renewed in hope and trust.

In answer to my previous questions of why do we stay silent about what we know to be true about God, I read something on Sunday at Mass. I had started this posting on Saturday and then decided to take time to think about whether I should be shouting out at everyone.

“It is perfectly obvious that if I am so blessed by the gifts of the Spirit, that I find my reason, will and emotions made increasingly perceptive of divine currents previously lost to me, I can hardly help acting in a new way. I now discover the view about me and consequently, my manner of life must in some ways be different from before. The vision has come; it cannot simply open my eyes to new things in life without thereby altering that very life itself. Not only shall I find that what seemed to me before to be evil now appears to me to be a blessing; but on that very account, what before I tried to avoid, or having got, tried to be rid of, I shall now accept, perhaps even seek. Similarly, whereas then I was weak, now I am strong; and increase of strength means new activities, new energy put into the old work and finding its way into works altogether new. My emotions, finally, which imperiled and dominated my life, slip now into a subordinate position and while thereby as actively employed as before, are held under discipline. It is clear that the gifts will not leave me where I was before, but will influence my actions as well as alter my vision. This means that I have a new idea as to the means of achieving the full happiness of life. Once upon a time I thought happiness meant comfort; now I see that it means something quite different. I am therefore obliged to change also my idea as to the means and conditions whereby, and in which, happiness can be found.”
Father Bede Jarrett

Can I stay quiet about the everlasting love of God and the joy that it promises?
Not ever. This world has so much suffering and darkness and if we are not the voices in the wilderness, the gift of God’s joy will not be shared. It is too awesome a gift for us to keep to ourselves.

I gladly share my email address with anyone who needs our prayers and love. We have reaped the bounty of the power of your prayers. We joyfully want to share God’s love with you.

God loves all his creation with a passionate love. It is our task to love and cherish creation as God does.

And now about Paul………………smile.
He continues to use his eyes together all day long. He is learning to remember to keep fluid in his left eye so it does not dry out. We are seeing marked improvement, but have noticed the movement up and down are very limited for his left eye. We may need to have an MRI done to see if there is a blockage caused either in the accident, or in one of the reconstructive surgeries. I think that possibly, the doctors never did give much thought to the eye, since most considered it blind or almost. Forge ahead, we will. Paul seems happier about leaving his sunglasses off and we definitely have to get him a pair of regular glasses to protect the left eye at all times, since there is very little movement in the eyelid. The bottom lid is showing a lot more movement than the top lid.

He is still very forgetful. It seems almost as if it is worse. I was able to enjoy a dinner out with Dee Huggins last week and she said that we should not despair, as Chip also went through periods that she felt he had regressed. Then he would come back a little stronger. It is our hope that this is not ‘as good as it gets’ for Paul in that area. It is a real problem for him and is the huge block to his being independent. When I start to get overly concerned about what this will all mean for Paul and the family, I remember that God took over almost 2 years ago. I have to sometimes say this out loud to make it happen – “Rebecca, let go of the steering wheel.” All things in God’s time, with His love. It always brings me peace.

He seems more in tune with his appearance. He actually turned down something sweet last week because he said he needed to watch his weight! He takes time to check out how his hair looks and asked to get a haircut, with very specific ideas about how he wanted it done. He no longer asks for those ugly brown velour pants either! Of course it could be because he has FORGOTTEN about them………..whatever. It works for me……………….smile.

He has about 3 more weeks at Shepherd Pathways. He meets with the vocational director this week to help guide him in choosing his career pathway. We will be following up with his eye doctor for reading glasses. Paul said his left eye doesn’t see as well as his right when he is reading.

His headaches are coming way down and staying there. We rarely see a level 6 or 7 headache anymore. He uses ice packs and exercises his chiropractor taught him to keep an oncoming headache away. If necessary, he will use Tylenol / Advil. He also has been given a new prescription to help the headache and Paul said it worked really well. It is for migraines specifically and it worked well the day Paul had a bad headache. So, through a combination of methods, Paul is doing well. He has been going strong for weeks. Jerry was commenting on how we could never plan anything fun for Paul for the next day because we never knew how he would feel. Now, we plan away and 99% of the time, the events are enjoyed. We are seeing more freedom in many ways. Thanks be to God for that.

With great love, and a loud voice we say,
May God bless you in this day!
Be Not Afraid to be His voice, His hands, His love.
They will know we are Christians by our love.

rafidero@bellsouth.net
fideroj@bellsouth.net

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Play Me A Song

2007-10-24T07:51:00.000-04:00

We had a meeting with the lead therapist at Shepherd Pathways yesterday. We had one last week, so I was a little surprised to have them call us in again. It was to get better clarification about Paul's goal in regards to returing to school. We learned that Paul had some concerns about going back to school and so we were called in to figure out the best way to attain the goal of his returning to college. We were glad to see that Paul was discussing his feelings about his future. The therapist wanted to make sure that we were all on the same page before she started to undertake the task of getting Paul back into school. When she talked to Paul, he seemed very uncertain about going back to school. He had a number of reasons why he didn't think it was the right time. But after we all discussed the obstacles he stated, we all decided that he would audit a class this next semester so that the discipline would be learned first. Then he can take classes for grades. It will make it an easier transition for him. It is very important that he enjoys and understands the process first. He decided he would go back to GSU because he was familiar with the campus. Also, his friend Gabriel attends GSU and they could share their experiences. Gabriel has been back in college for a year and is doing well taking 5 classes. He is so enthusiastic about being back in college and that positive attitude will help Paul as he begins his life again on a campus.

We found out that his reading comprehension is in the high range of 'above average'. That was the one area they needed to check since he will need to understand the material presented to him. They will now focus on other areas to see where he will be eligible for any special needs that the university can offer through the department that helps students with disabilities. The day long neuro-psych evaluation will not be done until next Spring, since he is only auditing a class. Since the test is done once a year, the therapist would rather wait until he has gotten back into college and his brain has continued to heal. That way, when he takes his first classes for grades, they will have a recent evaluation to give the university disability department. They will have an accurate assessment of his special needs at that time.

We were also told that the therapist who has a music degree worked with Paul and was very impressed with his knowledge of music theory and even more excited to see that he has a very trained ear. Even with the hearing loss, Thomas said that Paul showed great ability to hear and analyze music. They talked about other areas in the music industry that Paul might be interested in, now that he doesn't seem to have the passion for performing. Paul said he was interested in researching the career paths available in the area of music. He still loves music, just doesn't have the desire to perform. He will always want to play, but not for others like he used to. After we talked about all this, it was suggested that Paul be given a series of tests that will help the vocational director provide a number of careers to Paul, taking into account his talents and interests. He was very agreeable about taking that approach to helping him set goals for his future. He feels so vague about what he would want to do. One problem is that he has trouble thinking of all the different careers. He has to be given choices. We have seen that he has trouble coming up with solutions on his own. He needs to have choices presented and then will ask everyone else what they think before he makes up his mind. Our hope is that he will become more and more independent in his problem solving and will find the answers without so much assistance in some areas of his life. We are encouraged with the progress we keep seeing and liken it to a turtle race.... Slow and Steady. It is just one day at a time, which of course, is all anyone has!

His guitar teacher said that he was very pleased with the progress Paul made in the last 2 weeks. He is playing more assuredly and quickly. Jon had mentioned to Paul that he was playing well, but not with feeling. He said that Paul immediately played the song again and did exactly what Jon had suggested. At the lesson, Paul was trying so hard to play it well and his teacher commented also that he was playing well, but without emotion. Again, he played it over and was able to do it with more feeling. There is so much to remember and while it will take some time, Paul will have his talent back and will have this gift for life. When God asks Paul to play a song, it will be Paul's prayer of thanksgiving to God. Once again, the question I posed to God, "To what point and purpose?" has been answered with great feeling and clarity.

May God's words to you today be music to your ears.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

As Time Goes By

2007-10-16T22:44:00.000-04:00

October 16th
Happy Birthday
Paul - It's been 23
wonderful
years.

(Today's post comes
after these pictures.
I couldn't include them
this morning.)

Paul's
first birthday.

Looks like Jon
is ready to blow
out 23 candles
instead of just one.

Looking cool........

Very Cool...........

Psalm 23

2007-10-16T06:21:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning and thought to myself as I lay in the dark, Paul is 23 today. I tried to remember what I was doing at the same time (5 AM) 23 years ago. I remember that Jon was out of town and was due back around 10 AM. As he walked in the door, I told him that I was sure I was going to have 'our daughter' that day. We had been told that this child would be a girl. The technician who did the sonogram swore it was a girl. So, we had this baby's name picked out too. Her name would be Mary Catherine. Needless to say, we were shocked when the doctor announced "It's a boy!" I looked at Jon and the first thing I thought was.......we don't have a name. Three days later, we decided that since our first son was given his dad's first name, our second son would have his dad's second name - Paul. I married Jon Paul and now I had 2 sons, Jon and Paul.

As I continued to think about all this, the thought came to mind - 23rd Psalm. I knew right away which one it was because I had heard it so many times in my life. I imagine just about everyone knows it by now. But I felt compelled to get up out of bed, get my bible and read it.

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want;
he makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters;
he restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I fear no evil.
for thou art with me;
thy rod and thy staff,
they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the
presence of my enemies;
thou annointest my head with oil,
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life;
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever."
____________

I reflected on these words and found peace - once again.
It is full of the promise of God's love for all of us. The valley of the shadow of death may denote the most severe trial or affliction, but the next words bring us comfort. For believers in God, it is only a walk through the valley, and they will not be lost in it. The promise is the mountain on the other side. God will tend to our needs as we walk through. Also, valleys are usually very green and fruitful. I can't help but think that while our lives take us through the valleys, it can be a time for great growth spiritually. In these times of sorrow or affliction we become very aware of the presence of God in our life. He lays us down in green pastures and He leads us beside still waters. I experienced this very vividly in the months following the accident. I was never so aware of God's peace and presence. I know that I have grown immensely in my faith and trust in the promise of God's love. The valleys should not be something to fear. They are paths of righteousness and God is with us. I visualized the path we have traversed and it has been fruitful indeed.

It reminded me of the time when I was also 23 years old. I decided to move to California from Houston and with $20 in my pocket and a gas credit card, I took off in my little red Toyota. God truly was by my side, as I was too young to think about the dangers of that trip! I didn't tell my parents until I was on my way. I knew every word they would say to me, so I waited until I was a good distance away before I had to have that conversation. ( To all young people who may be reading this..............it was a very thoughtless, reckless thing to do and it is by the grace of God I got there safely. It was a few months later that a co-worker told me about her friend's sister who did not make it safely.) But there is one vision I will never forget about that trip. As I was driving 50 m.p.h. through the desert in southern Arizona, in the afternoon on a very hot day in August, I was genuinely afraid about how alone I was. I had a gallon of water for my radiator and a gallon of lemonade for me. I was told to keep my heater running to help keep the engine cool. I had the windows down and the air blowing in the windows was no relief at all. I was praying like a mad fool, begging God to keep me safe and deliver me to the shores of the Pacific. It was about 5 P.M. and in the distance there seemed to be a long line of darkness on the horizon. I was not sure what it was, but as I kept driving I noticed that it was getting taller, ever so slowly. The highway was flat ahead of me and it seemed to go on forever. But this darkness on the horizon had my attention. After awhile I realized it was the mountain range that separated Arizona and California. Watching those mountains loom ahead of me made my fear lesson. I had a focus - I was almost there. I was within sight of my destination. Just like our 'dark valleys' in life, we are not lost in them, but our faith in God's promise to us, help us hold fast to the comfort of the mountain on the other side. As those mountains got closer and loomed higher above me, I felt no fear, but only pure joy. As my little car wound its way through the mountains, the air was very cool and I could enjoy the fresh air blowing all around me. I thanked God over and over for helping me arrive safely and for the beauty of those mountains. I was very much aware of the presence of God on that trip West. And I am very much aware of God's presence on this trip West with Paul.

The mountains are looming ahead of us. Paul is benefiting from his therapy at a place called Shepherd Pathways.............funny old world isn't it?? That he is at Shepherd Pathways on his 23rd birthday..........

We had a meeting with his therapists and they are very encouraged with the progress he is making. They told us about a group of optometrists who specialize in neuro patients who have suffered traumatic injuries to the eyes. They are making an appointment for Paul because they believe he will benefit from their experience. Paul's left eye has made great progress in keeping up with his right eye movements. He does his eye therapy everyday and uses only his left eye for computer work and reading. He wears sun glasses that have been taped on the right side, to force the muscles in the left eye to work harder. When he looks at me, he will stare for a moment and then says, "I see only one". It doesn't last a long time, but he is able to get the focus for a few moments.

His testing so far has shown he is working on at least a 12th grade level. There are more tests they will be running to get a full assessment of his cognitive skills. He will also be given tests to help him determine his talents, strengths and weaknesses. He can use this to help guide him into a career other than music if that is what he wants. He isn't sure about music, but we think it is because he feels inadequate with his playing ability. He plays slower than before, but his teacher feels he should be able to gain back his skills fairly quickly - maybe as little as 3 months.

He will finish his physical therapy this week. He is strong physically, but needs to get back to the gym for consistent workouts. He will be going to an office supply store this week to get a DayRunner organizer. They are going to work with him in scheduling his own time each day and not wait to be told what he will be doing next. He is going to write in his appointments and therapies, work schedules and social activities for the week. He will be working on telling us what his schedule is, not the other way around. They are trying to get him back to the days before the accident, where his life was his own and he made his own plans. The long term goal will be to get him ready for the battery of tests they will need to do to prove he is able to drive a car very safely. I know I will be praying like a mad fool again, the day he starts to drive again! I will have to keep the vision in my mind of God being his Shepherd, just as He was with me my long trip to the West.

This past weekend, Jerry took Paul to Birmingham to see the play, "Phantom of the Opera". Paul had a fantastic time and talked so much about the music. He really enjoyed the fact that the orchestra was right there in front of the stage. He said he could not help but watch the conductor as he synchronized the music to the acting. He was really fascinated by that. It is when he talks about music that I know he still has a passion for it. I think he is just overwhelmed with the whole concept of college. But God will be his Shepherd.

May goodness and mercy follow you as you dwell in the house of the Lord today.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

'Son'spot

2007-10-10T07:09:00.000-04:00

It has been a very good week and we topped it off yesterday evening with this great sign of our hope. Mr. Sutherland found a beautiful classic guitar for Paul and the sound of it has filled our home. Paul has been practicing a lot and it is nothing but pure joy for me to listen to it each evening while I am getting dinner ready. Paul got the guitar on Saturday and on Sunday night I was upstairs in the hallway and heard him playing a familiar song. I couldn't think of the name of it, so I waited until he was done playing and I came downstairs and asked him what the name was. He said, "It's Jesu, Joy of Man's Desiring. I want to learn it so that I can play it for the nuns at the Shrine." He told me it was not the song that he was assigned to learn. He will work on both of them though. We are very excited to take him back to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament when he is ready! We hope to go in November. I just remembered that on Thanksgiving day, it will be exactly 2 years since Paul woke up from his coma. How awesome is God's time? In hindsight, I can see I had such little faith at the start of all this. I remember wondering what God was thinking of back then. Why would he give Paul the beautiful gift of music talent and then take it all away? I was so grateful Paul was alive, but later on, I really questioned why Paul had been given a great deal of talent, then to have it taken away. Paul was injured so badly that I really had my doubts that he might ever play again. Once he was able to verbalize more about all that hurt him, he pointed to his left arm and hand and said it felt numb and tingling. I remember it hurt him to have us touch his left hand, hence my questioning of his ability to play music again. Looking back, I can see that he has regained a good deal of his ability to play and I have gained the knowledge that praying without ceasing brings the peace of Christ, no matter what is happening. When I would be consumed with fear about the long term prospects for Paul, I would let it go and pray with great fervency until my heart and mind were at peace. I am the #1 worrier - ask Jon. He told me once that the day I quit worrying will be the day I die. God, in His mercy, has taken the last 2 years to teach me to let it go and let His will be done. I am a work - in - progress. But I can look back and see the growth. Praise be to God, I really needed some help to change my lack of trust.

Yesterday, we were driving home from Shepherd Pathways and it was pouring rain. Traffic was really bad because of 3 major accidents in the city and lots of cars from the freeways were taking any alternate route they could find. We were stuck in the side street traffic jams. It was a great time for Paul and I to talk about all the therapies he was receiving from Shepherd. He was talking about how they are using electrical stimulation therapies on his face to help with the muscle tone around his mouth. They taught him excercises to do at home too. He said that they also are working to help him gain more balance and use a number of different approaches to test where he has trouble. He said he can keep his balance very well when he places his right foot in front of his left foot. But he has trouble when his left foot is placed directly in front of his right. He has to walk with his eyes closed, with one eye then the other and then as he is turning his head from side to side. They have him looking at different objects around the room as he is walking. He said that it is very helpful and he has not complained once about how silly the therapy is. I remember him really ranting on about the silly things he had to do when he was at Emory, getting physical, occupational and speech therapy. He said they always talked to him like he was stupid. It made him very angry to have silly things to do, like cook a hamburger or organize the kitchen shelves. He made us laugh so hard once when he said they were using him to get some of their cleaning done for them. He didn't understand they were trying to establish a base line for his level of ability. He really hated those 5 weeks at Emory. Unlike that time, he is quite fascinated with what they are doing with him now. He seems to understand clearly, there is a point and a purpose to all this. He really wants to gain his independence and sees this will be a necessary step in achieving that goal.

So yesterday as we drove home he talked about how much he hopes that he will have full function of his eye. He prays so much for the recovery of his facial nerve. As we came into the neighborhood, we were praying for the full deal. We prayed that God would bring the recovery of his facial nerve and also for his hearing to return. I mentioned that we would not limit God and we placed it all in His loving hands. We prayed for the strength to accept God's answer, no matter the outcome. As we pulled into Jerry's driveway to get Abby, the picture above is what we saw. God is too awesome in my opinion. Paul and I sat there watching these rays of sunshine as the rain kept pouring around us, glistening in the light. God will lead us on His pathway and will light the way for us to see His glory.

Jesus, He is our heart's desiring. Amen.

Love,

Jon and Rebecca

In The Shadows

2007-10-03T09:18:00.000-04:00

( I wanted to get this posted yesterday, Oct 2, but had to wait until Jon could save the picture I needed from my camera. As always, had to wait for some technical support!)

October 2, 2007

Today is the feast of our Guardian Angels. It follows the feast this past Saturday of the Archangels St. Michael, St. Raphael and St. Gabriel. I have remembered, most especially today, how our nephew James, calmly stated to his mother, "My angel just left me to go to Paul" as they were praying in the hospital chapel the night of Paul's accident. On their way home, hours later, James just as calmly stated, "My angel just came back and Paul is going to be fine. There are a lot of angels in his room." It was absolute confirmation for me that we are guarded by angels throughout our lives and that we have any number of them entrusted to our care. I heard it said that when you say a prayer for someone, an angel is sent to their side. I'm surprised there was room for all of those that must have been sent that night, as there were so many brothers and sisters in Christ who offered up a prayer for Paul and our family!

Yesterday was the feast of St. Therese of the Child Jesus. In the early morning, I was praying the rosary and noticed a sun spot on the wall opposite me. It was low on the wall, below the picture of Jesus. I thanked Him for the little signs of His presence and smiled as I read, "Unless you change and become like little children, says the Lord, you shall not enter the kingdom of heaven. (Mt 18:3) I thought about how children are not too busy in their lives to stop and notice all the wonders of God's world around them. They are so much more observant and are so easily enthralled with all that God offers us in nature. It is always so enjoyable watching a child discover something new and how they intently observe it. Like a child, I sat contentedly and observed this beautiful ray of light as it moved ever so slowly and how the room continued to be illumined by the rising sun. I was so happy that I didn't miss this ray of light, nor the solitude of the moment. Some minutes later, I decided to go into our dining room to look out the windows of the french doors, as that is where the rays of the sun were coming in. It was a very serene picture before me - how the sun came filtering through the trees. After a few more minutes, I turned to leave and noticed how the sun was also casting shadows on the wall as it came shining through the branches of the trees. My eye was then drawn to another shadow on the wall. It was caused by a statue I have of the Holy Family that was given to me years ago by my sister Mary Beth. I felt so blessed to be present at this exact moment to catch the shadow it cast. There was the Child Jesus raised high by Joseph and Mary – the focal point of the shadow. It was my visual aid to confirm we need to remain in constant awe of the amazing signs of God's love in our lives, just like children. Their examples of complete trust and joyful hope are what God wants us to have. As adults, we have suffered so many disappointments in our lives, that somewhere along the line we lose those child-like qualities. The real gift is to regain that trust and hope and continue to persevere in our attempt to accept that God will answer our prayers. Like children, we need to hold onto our trust in God, waiting in joyful hope for Him to lead us closer to our real home in heaven. But as adults, accepting the truth that our prayers will be answered in His way and in His time. I continue to learn these lessons of truly accepting that some of God’s answers will be known and some won’t. Some answers are immediate and bring joy, others are long awaited and not the answer I had preconceived. Most importantly, if I strive to completely trust in God’s love for me, I won’t despair because the answer will bring greater love of God and the graces needed to become more virtuous.

Each week, we see new ways that Paul continues to improve. His humor is becoming more and more like himself and he continues to remember more of his past. He gets so excited when he realizes that he has recovered more or relearned something. Today he was thrilled that his lower eyelid actually quivered as he struggled to make the left side of his face respond. He also felt the left side of his nose move and I was able to see it at the same time. We both responded at the same time. I said, “I see it moving!!!” and he stated excitedly, “I feel it moving – do you see it?!!” It is so much fun to be with him when moments like that happen.

He attends Shepherd Pathways 3 times a week and said that they are doing so much with him. They have balance machines and exercises that help him gain confidence in his movements. They are working with him in his facial paralysis and teaching him exercises that will improve muscle tone. He is learning to speak so that he annunciates his words so he will speak more clearly. They are also doing eye therapy to help strengthen the left eye. Paul is going without the tape on his eye many more hours each week. He really wants to gain use of his eyes again. The best part is that he is really not experiencing such intense headaches. He will relate with such joy the fact that he didn’t have to take pain medicine for many hours at a time. Yesterday, it was 12 hours before he needed to take some Advil and he had really had a lot of eye exercises in his therapy sessions. Those exercises can bring on a headache because he is having to struggle to focus with both eyes, which are not working in sync at this time. So it was great news for him to get through the hours of therapy and not have an intense headache. He is very aware now of his progress in so many areas of recovery. He is keeping track of it and remembering it from day to day. If there is an area of high interest, he has no trouble remembering things from day to day. Other times, he can’t remember something from hours before, but that means it was not important to him and he didn’t commit it to memory. He knows that he is very forgetful and he will pointedly work to remember things when he wants to. He will repeat things to himself 3 to 4 times in a row and out loud as a way to remember a time or event. So he is really aware now of this limitation of memory.

His music is going very well. He works everyday at it and wants to show Mr. Sutherland that he remembers quite a bit. After this last lesson on Saturday, Jon said Mr. Sutherland was very encouraged about how much Paul remembered and said he expects Paul to be back on track within 3 months. At his first lesson, Paul was told to review the methods book by Christopher Parkening. At the second lesson, Paul showed he understood all that he reviewed. Mr. Sutherland said he was happy to see they could start much further along than he imagined. Mr. Sutherland said he is amazed at how far Paul has come in recovery, especially since he had last heard Paul would probably not live. It is amazing how much progress has been made and we firmly believe it was a result of all the prayers that have been lifted up by so many for these past 23 months. It is a miracle.

Jon and I were talking about the fact that in these last 23 months, we have been made aware of 5 people who have not survived their accidents that caused a brain injury. After Paul lived, we kind of thought that most people do survive and maybe it wasn’t as bad after all, as the doctors had told us. But now, we have become aware of the fact that a lot of people do die from brain injuries and with less impact than Paul experienced. It brings home the fact that God answers prayers, but always in His way and for His reasons. There is a point and a purpose always. We just may not know the reasons. That is our call to faith and trust. I don’t know why so many others have died in these last 2 years from their brain injuries. I believe though that Paul’s life and the huge amount of recovery is a miracle. I have asked myself more than once if I would have had as much faith, hope and trust in God if Paul had died. I can’t know for sure, but I would like to think so. I remember how I reached a point in those first hours where I honestly told God that Paul had been a gift to me from Him and so as a gift, I offered Paul back in thanksgiving for the love I shared with my son. I felt great peace in that. I believe that God would have provided the strength to endure that outcome also, just as He has provided all we needed to endure all these months of watching Paul suffer so much. We are always given what we need to complete God’s mission for us. Yes, I trust in that.

Paul is going to work on learning a classical guitar song so that he can go to the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament and play for the nuns. He hopes to go there very soon. A fine goal to be sure! The best part is that he set the goal himself.

“As Jesus and His disciples were proceeding on their journey, someone said to him, “I will follow you where ever you go.” Jesus answered him, “Foxes have dens and birds of the sky have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest his head.” And to another he said, “Follow me.” But he replied, “Lord, let me go first and bury my father.” But he answered him, “Let the dead bury their dead. But you, go and proclaim the Kingdom of God.” And another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but first let me say farewell to my family at home.” Jesus answered him, “No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the Kingdom of God.” (Luke 9:57-62)

Following Jesus means to do it on His terms, so that the ‘favoring hand of our God’ leads us.
Your love is better than life dear Jesus, so I will sing your praise!

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Going Back To Houston

2007-09-25T07:34:00.000-04:00

Could it possibly be that Paul is finally heading due West? We have been told that he does not need to come back to Charlotte for any more surgeries, as the shunt is working. It has been set on the lowest setting possible and is relieving pressure in his brain. Dr. McLanahan said that there is really nothing more that he can do and the ventricles have reduced in size. They are not as small as he would like to see them, but they are a lot better. He said that there is a possibility that Paul will eventually not need the shunt. He is very borderline in his dependency on the shunt and over time, may outgrow his need for it. Paul will follow up with him in December for one more visit and then he will be referred to another neurosurgeon Dr. McLanahan knows here in Atlanta for any follow up appointments.

In these last 22 months, we have seen a lot of different doctors. If someone was suggested, we have made an appointment with them to see if we could get an answer to the issue of Paul's headaches. In May of 2006, we had taken Paul to a chiropractor. He saw Dr. Talley only one time because Paul had to have another surgery for the hydrocephalus. We never made it back. At that appointment, xrays showed that Paul's cervical spine was out of alignment. It was very visible. We were going to start a program of treatment, but got side tracked. Last month, I remembered this doctor again and decided it was worth a try to see if he could help us in anyway. I knew that the cervical spine had probably not mended itself. Jerry took Paul to this appointment and said that Dr. Talley remembered Paul very well and was so impressed with his present condition. He took a lot of time with Paul and gave him a number of excercises to do at home and also gave him some ice packs to use. He told Paul to try using an ice pack for headaches before reaching for pain medicine and showed him where to place the ice pack. After this initial appointment, Paul said that his shoulder was hurting a lot less. He mentioned a few days later that his headaches were not spiking so high in pain. When they were bad, it was only on a level of about 5-6, not 8-9. Jerry told me that one evening, Paul was over at his house and asked Jerry for some Tylenol. Jerry reminded him about the ice pack and Paul got one and rested for a little bit. 20 minutes later, he came into the computer room and with a look of happiness, told Jerry it actually worked. His headache was much better. Paul has been back to see Dr. Talley again and will see him for a few more treatments. I will admit to you, I am a claims adjuster and I handle the bodily injury portion of the accidents. I have not had a very high regard for the chiropractic profession as a whole because there is a lot of fraud involved. I don't mean to offend anyone with this statement. Heck, there is a lot of fraud in every profession, but in my line of work there is fraud that involves attorney and chiropractors. In fact, behind the illegal drug activity in our country, insurance fraud is the number 2 illegal activity. Unfortunately, it made me very skeptical and I was reluctant to take Paul to one.

Like so many other times in my life, I have learned another valuable lesson. I was using a very wide paintbrush in labeling innocent people as being dishonest, not legitimate. God brought another person into our lives to help Paul and I truly believe, to show me my prejudice. One more time, God has reminded me to be very careful of my tendency to quickly judge others. I have been given another chance to try to conform my will to God's. Oh, how He loves His children! Patiently He teaches and waits. Praise be to God.

Paul is really doing so much better with the lessoning of his headaches. He forgot to take his 3:00 PM medicine and when he remembered later, I asked him if he was suffering any pain from missing it. He said no, he was feeling fine and in fact, had not had to take Tylenol or Advil since early that morning. We decided to drop that afternoon medication since we had tried before to wean him from it. It has been determined it was not really going to help him, but he had to be withdrawn from it slowly. The 2 times we have tried before, his headache would be very intense. Looks like we have finally reached a stage where we can do it! Paul was pretty excited about not having to remember an afternoon medication. He is now taking only his morning and night time meds. He is also not having to take over the counter medications as often. This has all come about after only 2 appointments with Dr. Talley. I truly stand corrected!!

It was so cool what happened on Sunday. I had to get some gas and groceries because I ran out of time on Saturday. I did a quick shopping and was trying to get to the house to wish Paul well at his first guitar lesson. I knew I wasn't going to get there in time and I called Jon. He reminded me I had the checkbook and they needed it in case Mr. Sutherland had a guitar that Paul could purchase. I said I would meet them at the corner drugstore that was on their way and right down the street from where I was at that moment. We met and I hugged Paul and told him to remember that God was leading him on this pathway and to give it all he had. He was so excited about his lesson and his smile could not have been any more joyous. They drove away and I ducked into the drug store to get a few more items. I was standing in the check out line and an elderly man behind me asked me if that was my penny on the floor. I looked down at my feet and sure enough, there was a penny to my right. I told him that while it wasn't MY penny, it was meant for me. I told him that it was God's way of asking me if I trusted Him. He laughed and said he liked that idea. I told the man I was growing in greater trust every day!
How much has changed for us. One year ago I was still tending to so many of Paul's needs. He was still weak and bed ridden with headaches. We could not plan anything for the next week, nor even the next day back then. We never knew how well Paul would feel. I was planning his birthday party last year, with the great hope Paul would be able to attend! And in that moment in the drug store, my mind was filled with the joy of knowing Paul felt better, his headaches reducing in intensity and he was going to be working on his music with his dad and favorite teacher by his side. I left the drugstore and was stopped for a red light. As I prayed in thanksgiving, a butterfly flew past my windshield, turned and flew back again. I was smiling so big-time and it made one more pass across my front windshield - How awesome, how God!

The lesson went very well and Mr. Sutherland reminded Paul that it once again, it would all depend on the effort Paul would give. He also told Paul that he was working on a new teaching methodology book and he was going to use Paul as his 'guinea pig'. He said he had a lot of hope about Paul's ability and even felt that it would come back quicker than Paul knew. He said he was so happy to see Paul doing so well. He said he was very surprised getting Paul's telephone call because he had been told a couple of years ago that Paul was probably not going to live. He had not heard any more information after that. He was so glad to see this outcome instead!

Is Paul finally heading West? At this moment he is. His dear friend Geneva has moved to Houston to teach and she has kept in touch with Paul. They were dating at the time of the accident, but Paul does not remember those 3 months. He does not remember her except in small snip-its. There were long stretches when he did not remember she had called. He saw her the week before she moved to Houston and a couple of weeks ago she called Paul and they talked for a good while. I told Paul how they used to talk to each other every night and prayed together. I told him that they had started the month-long prayers for consecrating themselves to Mary, but that the accident happened in the middle of that. Geneva went on to pray the prayers of that devotion for Paul while he was in his coma. He said that was so awesome of her to do and so he asked her if they could do it again this November. In the meantime, they started a 9 day novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help. It is a blessing that Paul has the friendship of this wonderful young lady after all this time. It was so kind of her to stay in touch with Paul, especially after it became evident he did not remember her. He does not remember most of the things in the 3 months before and 4 months after his accident. Every once in awhile there will be a glimpse of memory for him, but at this time, it is mostly a void. I trust God had his reasons.

Paul has said more than once that he truly must have had a "Come to Jesus" meeting while he was in a coma. Guess what Paul - you are not the only one!

God bless you and keep you surround with His love and protection,
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Guitar Man

2007-09-19T07:59:00.000-04:00

As you may remember, a little over a month ago we were blessed with meeting the nuns at the Shrine of the Blessed Sacrament in Alabama. Pat Denton and Carol Garrison were the 2 women who took us over there. In the days following, Pat invited us to attend a surprise birthday party for Carol. Jon and Paul were going to be in Charlotte and would not be back in time to attend. I did go and it was at that party that I met a woman I recognized from St. John Newmann church. It was years ago, while Fr. Jack was at that parish that I had seen this woman and her family. I was introduced to her and we struck up a conversation. We got to the topic of music because her girls are very musically talented and her one daughter was thinking about applying to the school of music at Georgia State University. I said that Paul had been in the school of music at that same school before his accident. I said he had been blessed by God because he had an incredible teacher, John Sutherland. She said that her daughter had been taking lessons from him since she was young. I was so excited that she knew who I was talking about and then said that her daughter must be a truly gifted musician since she has trained with this teacher for so long! I then told her the story of how he had influenced Paul's life.

In the summer after Paul's freshman year at college, he decided to audition for the school of music. Paul had been a big fish in a small pond at Parkview High School. He was an excellent electrical guitarist and he wanted to transfer that talent to the classical guitar. He practiced in the 2 months before that audition and went to the audition with a fair amount of confidence. He was to play in front of some of the teachers from the school of music. He called me right after his performance and told me what happened. He said that right after he played his song, one teacher basically shut him down. He was very sharp in his criticism and said Paul didn't belong in the school of music. It was John Sutherland who spoke up in Paul's defense and said he saw some raw talent and he would take Paul under wing and be his personal teacher. He said that Paul was basically a diamond in the rough.

What is so amazing about this is that John Sutherland has been called the "Dean of Guitarists" and "one of the finest teachers in the United States". He studied with Andre Segovia and Christopher Parkening. His transcriptions were used by Christopher Parkening in recording of "Simple Gifts". His students have been prize winners in the National Federation of Music Clubs Competition, Music Teachers National Association, and the American String Teachers Association. Three of the twelve students at the final Segovia Master Class studied with John Sutherland at the University of Georgia. He has served as adjudicator and clinician throughout the United States. I am not telling you all of this to brag in any way. It is with total amazement that our son was even near someone of this caliber! The chance meeting of these 2 people is still amazing to me to this day. It is one of the reasons that I still believe Paul was meant to do something with his talent. I know Jon continues to hold out great hope that Paul will play as well as he used to.

So back to Paul's telling me about his audition. Paul was so excited to know he would have John Sutherland as a teacher and he worked very hard to please him. He said he loved the fact that he couldn't fool this teacher at all. If Paul had not practiced as long and hard as he was expected to, Mr. Sutherland would know it instantly. Paul could fool some of the other students. The students were asked to critique each other and they would say that Paul had played very well. Mr. Sutherland would ask Paul directly, "Paul, how do you think you played." Paul on one occasion said that he played very poorly and admitted he had not put in the necessary time. Mr. Sutherland thanked him for being honest and he agreed with Paul's opinion - he had played poorly that day. Paul said he didn't want Mr. Sutherland to say that again, and he worked harder. When they first started working together, Mr. Sutherland told Paul he could hardly wait to show the teacher who criticized Paul so much at the first audition, just how talented Paul was. He said he could hardly wait until Paul's Senior audition! At the end of that first year, part of the exam would be to play a classical piece of music for the department. Of course, the one teacher was there who had not seen any talent in Paul. After playing his song, Paul looked up and Mr. Sutherland was smiling. The other teacher said something like, "I stand corrected. You do have a talent I did not see." Paul called us and his voice had more joy in it than I had ever heard. I could not believe it either. Jon (husband) said he wasn't surprised at all. He always thought Paul was an exceptional player. He was so very proud of Paul.

It was the next year that Paul decided to try to go for the gusto and try to make it big with a band, playing rock n roll. I was really disappointed with his decision, but prayed harder than ever before for him to find God's will in his life. Then the accident happened and I knew instantly that Mary had taken my prayers to God and they had been answered in a way I would not ever have imagined. While I wanted to see Paul go back to school and stop his pursuit into the music industry on the pathway he was on, I surely didn't want to see it come to a screaming halt. But God knew what was best and I believe that Mary interceded that day and kept Paul from an even worse injury. I believe in my heart that the thousands of prayers said for Paul changed the outcome of his accident.

I have even more confirmation today. That night of the birthday party, after I shared some of this with Cindy, whose daughter also took lessons with John Sutherland, I asked her if she had his phone number. I wanted to call him and talk to him about getting Paul started with some in classical training excercises so that he would have a goal to work toward. She gave me his number and I was thrilled to have it. I talked to Jon about it and he said it was worth a shot. I was not sure John Sutherland would even remember Paul after 2 years. But before I could call him, I lost the piece of paper. Then my mother got sick and has been in the ICU at the hospital 2 times and some other things have come up that have kept me so busy I haven't stopped for a moment. I didn't know Cindy's last name, but I remembered another amazing thing. When Marie's sister came to Atlanta last summer, after accepting a job with Fr. Jack, she lived with us for a few months. She had been her about a month and she was invited to live with a family who lived a lot closer to the parish where she was working. She decided to stay with us, as she was already comfortable here and she had had enough change in her life for awhile after moving to a new city and working at a new job. I learned at the birthday party for Carol, that is was Cindy's family who had invited Anne to live with them! Small, small world we live in. I knew that Anne could give me the phone number to Cindy and I would be able to get John Sutherland's phone number again.

I had not mentioned my intentions to Paul at first because he can become negative about his music very easily. He feels he can't play very well, but he can. He has been playing more and more each week and also plays the piano every day. I watch him get lost in the music for an hour or so at a time and he is oblivious to the world around him while he is playing. So this past Sunday, I talked to him about John Sutherland and I confessed that I was planning on calling him and asking him if he would possibly be interested in helping Paul in any way. I told Paul that I had lost the number and was going to make the calls necessary to get his number again. Paul opened his cell phone and said, "I have it right here. John Sutherland." Jon and I looked at each other and just laughed. I asked Paul if he wanted to call Mr. Sutherland himself or did he want Jon or me to call. He said he would call him. I could not believe Paul was so agreeable about it. He has said a number of times that he didn't want to take lessons from anyone, he could not play anymore.

Paul decided to write down a few things to say first. He said he didn't want to stutter or sound stupid. He got the laptop and wrote down what he wanted to say to Mr. Sutherland. Then he made the phone call. He started out with, "Hello, is this John Sutherland? You may not remember me, my name is Paul Fidero. I was a student of yours at Georgia .....oh, you do remember me? Well, I was in an accident almost 2 years ago and I......yes sir, I am doing much better and I was wondering if I could take personal lessons from you again...... Yes sir, that would be great. But I do have one problem. I don't have a guitar. Do you have any that I could buy? You do? That is fantastic. Okay then, I will call you again on Friday." (The reason Paul doesn't have a classical guitar is because he had been using his brother Jon's and Jon had it with him in Virginia.) The whole time Paul was talking to Mr. Sutherland, I had my hands clasped in prayer and I was looking at the statue of Blessed Mother Mary and begged her to open the heart of Mr. Sutherland and let him say yes to Paul. It was such a huge step for Paul to take because I am sure it has been fear that has kept him from moving forward with his music. I think he is too afraid to face what he may have lost. I started to cry with joy after Paul hung up. I jumped up and hugged him. Then Jon, Paul and I all hugged each other. I was so excited that I didn't know who to call first to share this wonderful news. I said to Paul, " You need to tell Judy, she will be thrilled for you." I thought of her because she always cries when she watches Paul play. Paul's amazing response?? "We have to tell the nuns at the Shrine!!"

Amen, Paul.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Sign of the Cross

2007-09-14T09:20:00.000-04:00

Last week I received a call from Kay, a woman I know, and she asked if we could join a group of people who were going to pray at an abortion clinic. I thanked her for thinking of us and said we would be there. When I hung up the phone I thanked God for this invitation too.

Years ago, Jon (husband) and James would go on Saturday mornings with a group of people to pray the rosary at the same clinic, while some of us would stay at the church in adoration before the Blessed Sacrament and pray. The last time they went, they were told they would be arrested since there was no sidewalk there, which meant all the property was considered private. It's been about 3 years since that time and now there is a sidewalk, which is considered public property. It is a place to legally stand and say the rosary.

We met everyone last Saturday morning at 6:30 AM at the church and then drove over to the clinic. It was a beautiful morning and finally, a lot cooler weather. There were 9 of us, including a priest, and we lined up on the sidewalk and started to pray the rosary. One of the women held a poster that had the phone number that the women could call as an option to what they were about to do. As we started to pray, a bird started to sing in the tree overhead. It continued to sing for quite a long while as we prayed. As it was the feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Kay said to me later, it was surely a sign that Mary was glad that someone had brought her a birthday gift by praying for the women who entered that building. Someone had finally come to pray there again! I have to say that as I started to pray, I had such an intense sadness come over me. I watched some of the employees walking in and they appeared so cavalier about what was going to happen in that building. I prayed so hard that they would have a conversion in their hearts to realize the full truth that they were participating in taking away the lives of babies. The women who are pregnant come with a different mindset. They have all varied issues that cause them to make this decision. I have to confess, as I stood there I remembered that when I was pregnant with my last son, I realized how someone could get desperate enough to make that decision. We had lost everything (home included) due to successive times of unemployment and we had to finally get help from family to keep feeding our children. I also had to move in with my parents for a few months while Jon came to Atlanta to find a job. We were blessed that we had family to help us. Right after we moved to Atlanta was when I realized I was expecting another baby. In those first days of realizing I was pregnant and at such a rough time in our lives, I was very frightened about how we could possibly afford the care of another child. I really didn't know what we were going to do. We were barely hanging on and my pride kept me too embarrassed to ask for help one more time. I remember how the word abortion flashed into my thoughts and I cried and cried that I felt so desperate that that thought could even enter into my mind. I remember Jon hugging me and telling me that if we believed in God, we just had to trust that He would help us take care of another child. It took every ounce of my being to trust in Him at that very frightening time of my life. It was a minute by minute relationship with God. In hindsight, it was truly the beginning of my really learning to trust God - the beginning of my more spiritual relationship that has grown and continues to sustain me to this day.

So it was with great sadness that I watched the women walk into that building. I prayed they would be forgiven and possibly even be graced with the knowledge to know the truth and to change their minds.

As I prayed for God to have mercy on everyone involved, I was reminded of something Fr. Jack had said about sinfulness. He said that it is false to think that our own sins are less offensive than others. It is wrong to look at others and think their sins are more grievous than our own. All sin is ugly. I have heard it said that if you want to know how ugly our sins are, look at Jesus on the cross. Picture the bleeding wounds from the scourging at the pillar, the crowning of thorns and the nails in His hands and feet. I prayed that God's great mercy would be poured out on everyone.

"Now, as I said before, the reason God's plan permitted Peter to sin was because he was to be entrusted with the whole people of God and sinlessness added to his severity might have made him unforgiving toward his brothers and sisters. He fell into sin so that, remembering his own fault and the Lord's forgiveness, he also might forgive others out of love for them."
(St. John Chrysostom 407 AD)

We went to Mass afterward and Paul left us to sit with the woman whose husband died in January while Paul was having surgery in Charlotte. He always looks to the pew where she always sits and if she is alone, he will sit by her. Paul may have a long walk recovering some of his cognitive abilities, but he has certainly grown so much more in his spirituality. We have talked about his returning to college and how he might want to take a few music classes since it is what he knows best. I mentioned that it might do him a lot of good doing something in which he was so familiar, since so much has changed in his life. It might feel good going back to the campus and being in the area he was before, seeing the same teachers. While he may have lost his 'passion' for music, he still shows so much interest in it when he plays and talks about music. He becomes very enthused about the subject. He has recently said, "Maybe God allowed me to have that incredible passion for music and then took it away so that I would know what passion is. Now He wants me to be passionate about Him instead." I responded by telling him that that was probably a very true thing because Paul's passion for music meant the exclusion of everything else in his life. Everything took a second seat - his faith, his family, his girlfriend. He said that he is not angry that he lost the passion for music, which is maybe very weird. He said he really understands that it is better to have that same passion for Jesus and he hopes to be able to recover enough to do something with his life that will please Jesus. I told him that was more than half the battle - wanting and desiring to please Jesus!

Paul said that he is very glad that when he woke up from his coma, it was obvious that God had touched him because of how he has changed and how he thinks of God all the time now. I said that it was truly the power of prayer that brought that gift from God! I told him to continue to pray that he will use that gift wisely.

The day after we prayed at the abortion clinic, Paul lit a candle. As he lit the candle, he simply said, "For all those babies." He got tears in his eyes and stood there for awhile and then turned to go. When we got outside he said that there are so many reasons for him to accept his suffering. He hates the headaches and the pain in other areas, but He understands that God may need him to do that for awhile. He said he does hope it won't be for a long time though.

"By waiting and by calm you shall be saved,
in quiet and in trust your strength lies." (Is 30:15)

"You need endurance to do the will of God and
receive what He has promised. (Heb 10:36)

Today is Feast day of The Exaltation of the Holy Cross.
We adore you, O Christ, and we praise you because
by your Holy Cross, you have redeemed the world.

"If you wish to have the light of divine grace, and a
heart free from all care, if you wish to curb all harmful
temptations, and to be made perfect in the ways of God,
do not tarry in running to the cross of Christ. Truly there is
no other way for the sons of Christ to manage to find God,
and having found Him, to hold on to Him, but in the life and
way of the suffering God and Man. Continual prayer elevates,
illumines and transforms the soul. Illumined by the light
perceived in prayer, the soul sees clearly the way of Christ
prepared and trodden by the feet of the Crucified."
Blessed Angela of Foligno (1309 AD)

Peace be with you in this day as you remember that our victory
is by the way of the Cross of Christ.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Facts and Figures

2007-09-11T07:54:00.000-04:00

A rainbow over the church on the Ave Maria University campus. James took these pictures on his way to class yesterday.

Jon and Paul searching for
online college courses

Paul and Jon working on some songs they used to play together. It was a great evening for Paul - he played very close to his ability before the accident.

______________________________
So much for catching up the blog like I said in my last posting. So much has been going on. I feel like I am living in the story called "Toad's Wild Ride" that I used to read to my sons. But we are blessed with a full life.

Unfortunately, my mother is back in the hospital in the cardio-vascular ICU. She had been in her new apartment at the assisted living home for only 8 days and is now back at the hospital for the same reasons. Her blood pressure spiked again and since she had already had a dissected aorta, the lining could tear again very easily. She is in stable condition and hopefully will be home within the next 2 - 3 days. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for her.

I thought of my son James and his advice about how God would not just send me patience. If it were given to me, I would not know enough about patience to appreciate the gift. As I reflect on these past 3 weeks and the hectic schedule that has been thrust upon us, I am sure I will now appreciate my ‘pockets of peace’ even more!

So what has kept us busy? Jon, Paul, Jerry and I sat down and worked out a schedule for Paul that will help him move forward in achieving independence. We purchased a number of workbooks that will refresh his memory in math, language arts, reading comprehension and reasoning skills and also crossword, suduko and word find puzzle books to fill in his days. It all got started when we tried to find an online course for him. We were checking out some of the possibilities, but after we talked to a counselor at Shepherd Pathways, it was suggested that Paul audit a class at first so that he doesn’t feel overwhelmed by it. It may be too big a chunk for him. As we continue to work towards getting him back in classes at the university, I felt a bit desperate to find something to stretch his brain use. A friend of Jerry’s suggested we get the S.A.T. pretest materials and let him work on those. We went to the bookstore and found so much material for him to work on. We set up a schedule for Paul that keeps him very busy each day, which means we are on the schedule also. His days are filled with work, exercise, music, chores, and studying. I have to say, he was not a happy camper when we first talked about it. He had gotten used to the care free kind of days where he would go to work, come home and just hang out for hours. He developed a habit of playing Solitaire for hours, which concerned us. He would just ‘zone out’ and not accomplish much. We are seeing that he forms habits very easily, so we decided to help him create more beneficial habits. During the evening when we were all together, planning his days, he reluctantly joined us. He didn’t really like the idea of having his days filled with activities. Paul is still a very ‘laid back’ type of person and he never had much ambition other than becoming a famous musician. Now that that passion is gone, per Paul, he has become TOO laid back! It doesn’t help that the area of his brain that was affected by the injury is the area of initiation. Paul didn’t have much of that to begin with.........smile. The conflict is that he is well aware of the fact that he is 22 yrs old and he is now being told what to do. Yet, in most instances, if he is not told what to do, he nap or play Solitaire.

It remains an area of concern for us. Paul asked Jon when he could move back to Jerry’s and Jon told him, “When you don’t have to ask what you need to do next. When you know how to plan out your days completely. You will do it Paul, it may take a bit of practice and time, but it will all come back to you. You have come light years beyond where you were.” As we continued making out the daily schedule and asking Paul to help decide on the activities, he got less and less interested and actually fell asleep on the couch right in the middle of our conversation. He certainly provided a visual aid as to how he felt about all this! We continued on and finished his schedule for him. We showed it to him the next day and he was irritated at first. Later that day, he came to Jon and I and said he understood he still needed our help and that he would work harder at becoming more independent. He knew that he has a long way to go and he was not angry at us for trying to help him. We told him that his being able to figure this out and accept it showed a lot of growth on his part.

Little by little we are seeing more of his nature come through the fog. We are seeing more of his emotions coming through because he is able to articulate it better. Last night, he came into the kitchen and said very plainly and sadly, “I hate that I had an accident.” I went over to him and hugged him and said, “So do I Paul. So do I. I know your suffering is very difficult for you and Dad and I suffer watching you. I know you are frustrated with trying to overcome so many things and so many things have changed so drastically. But God knows what you need and who you will become. Don’t forget that He is right by your side.” Paul said he knew that God was helping him be the person he was supposed to be, but he is very tired of his headaches keeping him from doing so much more. Then he looked right at me and said very solemnly, “I feel like I am going to cry very hard about all this one of these days.” I told him that that was a very good thing to come to terms with, because it would be an appropriate response to all that has happened to him. I was relieved to hear him finally say something so concrete. It seems to me that it is a beginning of his gaining a better awareness of the enormous change that his limitations have brought to his life. We have a long road ahead, but once again, we have more light coming through the fog.

This past week, we remembered Blessed Teresa on September 5^th. She has always been such a huge inspiration for me. Her beautiful prayers and sayings always impact me and so it was very surprising to hear that she suffered so long without feeling the presence of God in her life. She said that her eyes did not see and her ears did not hear Jesus. She stayed faithful without the help I write about all the time! I can hardly comprehend the enormity of that fact. Her words are so opposite to what she was silently suffering. It is no wonder then that she wrote so knowingly about suffering.

“Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, He has got His head bending down – He wants to kiss you – and He has both hands open wide – He wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that He can kiss you. That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus – it has to come in our life also. Only, never put on a long face. Suffering is a gift from God. It is between you and Jesus, alone inside. Our total surrender will come today by surrendering even our sins so that we will be poor. “Unless you become a child, you cannot come to me.” We need humility to acknowledge our sin. The knowledge of our sin helps us to rise. “I will rise up and go to my Father.”

I thought of something this morning. I remember reading that if we get our reward on earth, then that is the extent of our reward. If we do not seek our reward in earthly terms, our reward will be in heaven. We tend to seek our success in earthly ways, to gain in earthly ways, to get recognition and thanks from the people around us. It made me smile as I thought about the fact that if Blessed Teresa suffered so much isolation in her soul and her rewards were being held in heaven for her arrival, the rewards would surely have been piled higher than Mount Everest! Our world never saw her with a long face. We were left with images of God’s light shining through her face and eyes and smile. Thank you God for the gift of Blessed Teresa, even if it is a reward we have received on earth.

I wanted to share the pictures James took while going to class yesterday. I know that I talk so much about the visual aids I take as signs from God that He loves us more than we can imagine. I do feel blessed that I find so much joy in the beauty of His world. It helps me not have a long face!

May you find peace today, knowing that in all your sufferings, Jesus is leaning to kiss you. A reward coming from heaven.

Love,

Jon and Rebecca

Walk A Mile in His Shoes

2007-09-03T08:19:00.000-04:00

After 2 of the busiest weeks I have had in a long time, I am now able to sit down and actually write my 300th posting on this site. I am not sure anyone is even reading this anymore, since I haven't been able to write anything for the past 2 1/2 weeks! But it does serve a purpose for me and so I continue to plug along........

A couple of weeks ago we drove to 30 miles north of Blacksburg, Virginia to meet Marie and Paul. Paul wanted to come home and we didn't have any other time to get him unless we waited until this weekend. Jon and I drove 866 miles that Saturday and we had a chance to have a long talk about what we needed to do to move Paul to a higher level of recovery. It was really a very peaceful day for us and the scenery became more and more beautiful as we headed north of Charlotte and into Virginia. It was a 15 hour drive and by the time we got home, we had decided that we needed to move Paul back into our house where we could watch him more closely to see where he needed more help. Throughout the Summer, Jerry worked hard with him to become more independent and taking charge of his personal needs. He did really well at first, then lately hasn't had the same drive and inititaion. Paul has always been pretty stubborn and his nature has not changed at all since the accident. He is still head strong and if he doesn't agree with us, he doesn't budge easily. He can get very iritated with us when we try to introduce new ideas about activities that may help him. Jon and Marie found that out and at one point, Jon called and told us he had some much more respect for our efforts at caregiving! I told him I appreciated that and also told him that I learned the same lesson in life. It is easy to be an 'armchair quarterback' - but walk a mile in someone's shoes and you will see it isn't always as easy as you think! As Jerry and our family have found out, it is so difficult to move Paul forward in his recovery because none of us have ever experienced this process before. What makes it harder still is no one person's injury is alike. Each person who suffers this type of injury has a different cause, area of impact, age, genetic makeup, past health history and differing complications. Even the medical professionals have to guess in general terms about the best process for recovery. We are trying to fine tune all of this to fit Paul's needs, which means trying new approaches all the time. It's kind of like a coach trying to find the perfect method of putting the athletes through the grueling training, along with keeping their enthusiasm and discipline going.

Paul has shown a lot of patience when it comes to the pain he experiences. He has shown great patience with the medical professionals as they have tried so many different approaches to solving his 24/7 headaches through surgeries. But like all of us, he isn't patient in all ways. He is tired of having to see so many doctors and has actually grown somewhat cynical in their ability to heal him. I had to remind him this last week that he has only one place to put all his faith and trust - in God. He has to remain one with Jesus in carrying his cross. I received an email from a friend who knew we were struggling to find ways to help Paul. It shows a number of people walking along, carrying crosses. One person stops and begs God to lighten their load and they then take a saw and cut off a portion of the bottom of the cross. They walk a littel further and decide that they need to cut off a little more from the bottom of the cross. Everyone else has just continued on carrying their crosses. They get to a canyon and it is too wide to jump across. The other people lay their crosses down and are able to make a 'bridge' over the wide gap, where they can walk on the crosses and get over to the other side. The man who sawed off the bottom of his cross is not able to get to the other side and is stuck where he is.

A simple cartoon, but a good message. And of course, timely for us. We felt very frustrated about what to do next with Paul. He has stagnated in his recovery. He has lost some of his desire to move into a more full life. We noticed he wanted to spend his free time staring at his computer, playing Solitaire. It was almost an obsession with him. I am sure it was a way for him to retreat into a place that was comfortable for him - a way of retreating from this world and the noise and the demands. He hasn't had the drive to sustain a prolonged effort at moving to the next level. We have watched this behavior for the past few weeks, and Jon (son) mentioned it too. He shows some interest at first, but then fizzles out when the 'going gets tough'. We talked to him about going back to school and he keeps giving us all the reasons why he can't. He says, "When I get better I will try it." He doesn't even want to talk about it for very long. In fact, that is when I noticed the pattern of him walking out of the room and then finding him at a computer, playing Solitaire. This was one of the reasons why we moved him back home. We need to take a more disciplined role in his life, so he will become more disciplined also. It seems like he is content with 'floating' along, with no real challenges to his daily routine. In fact, he isn't budging much on that front. I am sure there are huge fears lying just under the surface of his mind, and he is not ready to look at them . His life has changed in a most dramatic way and I can well imagine how he has to have been affected. He is only 22 yrs old and his life is now being directed almost constantly by other people. We have spent many hours talking to him, helping him understand that he will reach independence, but there are still a few hills he has to climb. They are not mountains as high as some of the past ones, just some rolling hills. We remind him there are a lot of people who will walk along side of him. We have learned that Paul needs time to reflect on things before he puts out much effort. We are now spending time praying a lot with him, as he thinks over his options. He has finally agreed to taking an internet college class. Agreeing to it and doing it are not the same though! We actually reached a compromise. We had talked to him about going to Georgia State University for one class. He said he wasn't ready to go back to a college campus, but would try to do an on-line class to see if he can get past his headaches enough to do all that is required. This will be a huge step for him, but we are grateful to God for this concession. It HAD to be with His help that we are finally getting some agreement from Paul, as Paul has gotten very iritated each time the subject was brought up. I have had to remind Paul more than once about Gabriel.

A few weeks ago, Paul and I were so tired from our trip to Virginia, we decided to go to the 11:00 AM Mass the next day (Sunday). It was truly a blessing from God. We were running a bit late and when we got there, there was room only in the very first row. We walked all the way to the front and as we entered the pew, Gabriel and his mother, Lucilla, were sitting there also. Gabriel is 20 and he too had a bad car accident as a passenger and was hit broadside. He suffered a brain injury and unfortunately, was not able to walk either. But the first thing we noticed was that he was STANDING. He had his walker at his side. No wheelchair! I knew he was going to have surgery, but had not heard how it went. Paul and I got to see first hand how well it went. It was the very last effort the doctors could make to help Gabriel walk again. Everyone had high hopes and many prayers had been said in our home for his recovery. There could not have been any more joy beaming from the faces of Gabriel, Lucilla, Paul and I as we looked at each other with huge smiles. The readings that day were so fitting too.

Psalm 40
I have waited for the Lord, and he stooped toward me.
The Lord heard my cry. He drew me out of the pit
of destruction,
out of the mud of the swamp;
He set my feet upon a crag;
He made firm my steps.

And He put a new song into my mouth,
a hymn to our God.
Many shall look on in awe
and trust in the Lord.

Though I am afflicted and poor,
yet the Lord thinks of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, hold not back.

Paul took my hand after this was read and squeezed it. I knew he understood that God was with him.

After Mass, Gabriel encouraged Paul to get back into school. (Great timing.............God's timing!)He told him that he was going to be taking 4 classes after successfully taking 2 last semester. He has gotten to school using the train (Marta) everyday while still in his wheelchair. He still is using his wheelchair for that, since he has to build up the strength in his legs using his walker. But he has the determination to move over that 'rolling hill'. I talked to Paul about keeping the course and that God surely let us see Gabriel that day as a way of encouraging Paul. As you can imagine, Paul was very upset about moving back home. Later that day though, told me he sort of understood why we had to. He knows he has a long road ahead and we can't help him as well when he isn't at home where we can help him stay the course. As the parents, we can be more instrumental in giving the 'disciplined push' Paul needs to actually finish and attain the goals he is more reluctant to work towards. We might have put the cart before the horse when we let him move out. Hindsight is always 20/20. But to be honest, I think now that Paul has seen that he can do so much more on his own, we hope he will strive to do it again. We hope he will set that as his goal to attain.

To Jerry..............you are a saint in our midst. We love you and thank you for the hundreds of kind and loving ways you share with all of us. You picked up the slack for us when we were growing tired and you took over with Paul's life. No one has set a more beautiful example of being a loving brother and as Paul said yesterday - "He is like a fantasy brother - everything anyone could dream up in a brother and he is it." You have been so instrumental in helping Paul climb higher. How awesome it will be when all of us are standing with Paul when he reaches the mountain top! We will all continue to wait in joyful hope.

There is a lot to share about these past 2 weeks and I pray that I will accomplish my goal of writing a blog a day to catch you all up! Some highs and some lows.

We have pictures of Paul's stay in Virginia and stories to share of his time up there! He was looking at some of the pictures last night and you could tell he was reliving his time with Jon and Marie. He shut down his computer by saying, "I sure love those guys." I reflected quietly on how many people he has said this to. Some day, when we look back and read through this blog, it will surely be the best visual aid we've had about God's love for us, shown by so many.

May God's peace and love reign in your hearts.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Awesome Good, Awesome Bad

2007-08-17T11:17:00.000-04:00

Marie called me this week to share the news about her baby and it provided so much joy just thinking about this tiny soul that is waiting to come into our lives. At 22 weeks, BFiddy is 7 inches long and 1 1/2 pounds. Marie told me that Paul and Jon got to see the sonogram and were in awe. Marie said she would like a boy and Jon would like a girl and each of them saw what they wanted to see in the sonogram, with Jon saying it looked like a girl and Marie saying it looked like a boy. They would like to wait until their baby is born to learn what it really is and so we are still at the normal odds...........50-50. The anticipation is so much fun!!

Later, when I was talking to Paul, I asked him what he thought about getting to see the baby on a sonogram. He said with great seriousness, "It was awesome good and also awesome bad." I was taken by surprise with his answer and had no idea what he meant. When asked to explain he said that it was really awesome to see the baby moving and to see the hands and the feet and hear the heart beat. He could not believe how beautiful that was. But it was 'awesome bad' because how could anyone seeing a tiny little baby moving like that want to have an abortion? He talked with sorrow in his voice and a bit of amazement that it happens everyday. I reminded him that while we have the wonder of science bringing cures for many illnesses, it also provides descriptions that make it easier to decide to stop the life of a baby. We cannot begin to imagine the reasons why, but we can offer up so much in our lives for the atonement of the sin of abortion. I asked him if he remembered my mentioning a long time ago that he could offer up his headache pain for all those burdened with the sin of abortion and he said he did. He was glad I had reminded him of that and he would remember it when his head pain flared up again.
Later, it occured to me how Paul's ways of stating things are unusual but exactly to the point. I smiled as I remembered how he struggled for the words to describe his having a 'lump in his throat' and he said, with tears in his eyes "That made me get a cry bubble right here". He has come a long way in his ability to communicate his thoughts, but every once in awhile he get's hung up and will just say the first thing to explain himself. Like 'awesome good and awesome bad'.

"Forgive our sins as we forgive,
You taught us Lord to pray,
but You alone can grant us grace
To live the words we say.

How can your pardon reach and bless
The unforgiving heart
That broods on wrongs and will not let
Old bitterness depart?

In blazing light your Cross reveals
The truth we dimly knew;
What trivial debts are owed to us,
How great our debt to you!

Lord, cleanse the depths within our souls
And bid resentment cease,
Then Bound to all in bonds of love,
Our lives will spread your peace.

You have said: do not judge, and you will not be judged;
God, grant us the compassion to seek what is good
in others as You have sought what is good in us.
Grant us the grace to forgive as you have forgiven us.

With love and prayers for your intentions,
Jon and Rebecca

The Godfather

2007-08-14T08:05:00.000-04:00

Paul is having a good visit in Virginia with Jon and Marie. They sent a movie clip of Paul riding his horse and actually trotting. He has moved up from just having the horse walking! If anyone knows how to post a movie clip, please let me know so that I can share this with you. It was fun to see Paul sitting so straight and very much in control. Marie definitely looked like the expert though! It made me smile to think how awesome she will be as a mother - guiding her children along with love and gentleness.

Needless to say, we are so very happy and excited about the arrival of our grandchild. I know that God has blessed us with the greatest gift and His timing is terrific. For the past 21 months, Paul has been our focus and the main topic of all conversations. Yes Paul, it was all about you dear son! But you are going to have to share the limelight now. I was surprised one day when I realized I had been talking with a friend and I had not mentioned Paul, but talked with great joy about our plans for Christmas and how we hope to be in Virginia with Jon and Marie and BFiddy (Baby Fiddy). We have reserved a cabin on a hill in the Shenendoah region so we can be together on Christmas day. The home is only about 6 minutes from their house, so we will be very close and yet, provide them their space, not to mention some peace and quiet!

Their child is due on December 18th. We will be there right after the birth, or possibly FOR the birth. The timing is God's! But the joy I am so thankful for is that Jon and Marie have asked Paul to be the baby's Godfather. They asked him while they were at Topsail. When they told me, I (you guessed it) cried. I will not be able to describe in words how much joy filled me at that moment. I have so much to be thankful for and this was just the icing on the cake. There are so many awesome and holy people in Jon and Marie's life and we feel so honored they chose Paul. I asked Paul if he knew the responsibility that he would have as Godfather and he said he sure did. I know he will take it very seriously and I have great trust that his prayers will always be with his Godchild. I know my prayers are already constant for this little soul God is sending! I almost always start to tear up as I mention my grandchild while I am in Adoration before the Blessed Sacrament. How happy I feel because I was blessed with the grace to know the magnitude of the gift of Adoration and then to have this new little child, this wonderful gift from God, to add to my prayer list. Our God's love is too abundant for me to capture on this page! I have posted 298 times and I know I will never be able to convey how much Love I have received or how much love I have for our Almighty God. If you have been touched only a little by our story (which is truly God's love working through our experience) then Praise be to God.
My sister Mary Beth sent this to me today - how true!

"To possess God we must allow him
to possess our souls. How poor we would be
if God had not given us the power of giving
ourselves to him; how rich we are now!"

Blessed Mother Teresa -- August 14

Today is the feast of St. Maximilian Kolbe, a Polish priest who offered up his life by taking the place of another prisoner in the Auschwitz concentration camp. He asked the guards if he could trade places with another man who was condemned to death and it was allowed. The man whose life was spared, was in attendance at the Canonization of St. Maximilian by John Paul II and he told the story of how this young priest offered up his own life so a family would have their husband/father back.

"Come, you whom my Father blessed, says the Lord: I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of my brothers or sisters, you did for me." (Mt 25: 34,40)

As I sat in Mass this morning I was filled with a great sense of love and thankfulness for all the graces received and I asked God to bless those whose prayers continue to lift our family's needs up to Him. My joy is certainly a direct result of someone's prayer for me. I know our prayers are answered in ways unimaginable and I derive great joy when I say prayers for others, wondering how God will answer them! To know that my prayers have that much power with God. I mean, how awesome that He would lend his ear to my voice, I who am so sinful. Yet with great love and mercy He listens and answers me. That my friends is too awesome to ever put into words.
My own Godfather is a priest in St. Louis, Missouri. Fr. Gene Sinz is my mother's cousin and I know his prayers for me have helped deliver me from many a wrong path in my life. How grateful I am to have this awesome priest as my earthly guardian! May God bless all of you who are Godparents and grace you with perseverance in your prayerfulness for your Godchildren.

"Take up thy cross and follow Christ,
Nor think till death to lay it down;
For only he who bears the cross
May hope to wear the glorious crown."

May you be graced with everything that is needed to take up your cross this day, and with great joy follow our Lord Jesus.

Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Back To School

2007-08-10T08:08:00.000-04:00

Paul, Abby & Jon heading out to Charlotte.

James, Jon - we were outside looking at the night sky
See the cloud picture below!

Goodbye James, we love you!

Michael and James say goodbye as they head in
opposite directions.

Our last Mass together for a good while.

Michael in his dorm room at college - computer is
connected...........he's ready!

James showing me he has his Holy Water with him.
He's ready too!

Jon saying goodbye to his Jeep. Time heals all sorrows!

One last picture with Michael after the prayer
service they had for the students and parents.

Not too much space to trash..........

His windows look out to the baseball park - great seats!

I had to include this picture we
took one evening. I came out to
my car and saw this, so I ran back
in and got James and Jon.
I find great peace just looking
to the skies - God's canvas.

Miles From Our Home

2007-08-08T08:40:00.001-04:00

(Pictures will be posted later tonight!)

Jon and I have only just now caught our breath and have begun to experience the silence in our home. It is so strange to have it so quiet without any of our sons being home. We came in Sunday night at around 7:00 PM and just stood in the kitchen for a moment, not saying anything. Jon finally said, “Very strange”. I didn’t want to break down in tears again, so I got busy fixing dinner. As I stood in the corner where I have prepared thousands of meals, I was so overcome with memories of the sound of the boys voices when they were little. There has been a lot of noise in our home for the past 20 plus years and this silence was ‘very strange’. I decided to dwell on the fact that all the time and effort we put in these years has finally paid off as we hoped it would. Our youngest son was following in the footsteps of his brothers and headed off to college! They are all healthy and are trying to make their way in this world and that has been our goal all along. Also, I decided to enjoy this quiet while it lasts…………….I’ve heard that they might just have to move back home once they are done with college and start looking for jobs!

Paul left Thursday and James and Michael left on Sunday. We also said goodbye to Jon’s 1998 Jeep. James drove it down to Florida because his girlfriend, Shannon, needed to buy a car and she now is the proud owner of the Jeep. Jon has always taken very good care of his vehicles, so she was really happy to get one that she could depend on. Jon has been thinking about getting a truck and so this worked out well for him also. He didn’t have to take the time to place and ad and then take the time to make appointments with potential buyers. We were glad we could help out someone we knew! As James drove out of the driveway, Jon and I prayed for him until the car was out of sight, then we turned around and immediately began helping Michael pack up his car. There was no time for me to cry about James leaving…………smile. We finished in about an hour and then followed Michael up to North Georgia. I no sooner turned out of our subdivision when the tears started to really flow. I could not believe we were taking Michael up to the same school that our son Jon went to his first year. It’s a private Christian college, Piedmont College. It felt so weird to retrace the path we had taken 7 years ago. First with our oldest and now with our youngest.

The college grounds have not changed and the bonus was that the men’s dorms didn’t smell as bad as when Jon went there. They are old as dirt, but they must have been painted and received new floors, because it smelled a lot more fresh this time around. We had to go to 3 different stores to get everything needed to get Michael completely set up. We wanted to avoid another trip up to the college the next weekend! It is about an hour and a half away, so it is far enough away for Michael to be on his own, but close enough for him to come home once a month to do his laundry.

We took lots of pictures so we could show Jon. He really enjoyed the 3 years he went to Piedmont and he was glad we had gotten pictures of the new organ in the church. It had been purchased while he was there but was not built in time for him to hear or see it. It is a mighty thing to see. Piedmont has a great music department, which Jon was very involved in. He changed his major from music to theology after transferring to Ave Maria.

Jon and Marie have kept in touch with us daily to let us know Paul is doing really well in Virginia. He spends his days with Jon and helps where he can. Last Saturday, Paul called and asked if I knew the names of famous gardens. I immediately thought of Callaway Gardens which are to the south of Atlanta. How famous they are, I don’t know, but they are beautiful. Paul said that they used that name for the theme of their dance for the Youth Group at church. They spent the day decorating and Jon said Paul had a great time and even danced. Unfortunately, there are no pictures of that event, so we will just have to take their word for it! Paul wasn’t able to stay much past 10 PM since the music was loud and the lights bothered him after so much time. But he hung in there a long time and he said he had a lot of fun. On Monday, I was talking to Paul and he said he had to go because he had to give a guitar lesson to someone! Jon had set it up for him and Paul was happy to do it. Marie told me that he has done the dishes for her and there was a lot of dishes too. Anyone who has had Jon and Marie cook in their homes knows that they use a lot of dishes because they do everything from scratch. Everything! It is very impressive to watch them work together and it is a real treat when they are finished.
I told Paul I was proud of him for helping Marie and he said it was not bad at all because they wash everything by hand and so he didn’t have to keep bending over to put things in a dishwasher. Bending over hurts his head. Secret’s out Paul – Jerry will be glad to fill up the sink with soapy water! Marie also said that Paul remembered she likes ice cream a lot, so he fixed a bowl and brought it to her as a surprise. He is really enjoying his time with them. Abby was confused at first and didn’t know which ‘master’ to sleep with, Jon or Paul. She did end up in Paul’s room. No secret there.

I have signed up for more hours of adoration because I know I am still ‘Miles from Our Home’ in heaven and I need God to direct me as I head into a new phase in life. I am sure He will let me know the way. It will be in the silence that I hear Him.

God bless you all as you listen in the silence.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

The Circle Game

2007-08-02T17:38:00.000-04:00

My sister Beverly's
first grandson, Peyton

He is the first child of
my Godchild, Becca

He is the first great-
granchild for both
families.

That makes him #1 in
our book!

This picture was supposed
to be on a posting from last
week.

Griffin - you are our #1
baseball player and #1
in your city!!
(Yes.......Jon and Paul
are wishing they could
have been on a great team
like yours when they were
your age!)

The Circle Game
________________

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when youre older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We cant return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

So the years spin by and now the boy is twenty
Though his dreams have lost some grandeur coming true
There'll be new dreams, maybe better dreams and plenty
Before the last revolving year is through
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We cant return, we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game - Joni Mitchell

___________________________________
I thought of this song today as I watched Jon and Paul drive down the street and away to Charlotte. Paul's headaches had started to climb up again and I called the doctor's office to see what they wanted to do. They asked us to bring Paul up there on Thursday, which was a lot shorter notice than I anticipated. They called while I was driving Paul home from work on Tuesday. I quickly called Jon and he said he could get the time off from work, so he would take him. Then I remembered that we were supposed to try to get Paul to Virginia so he could visit with Jon and Marie. Jon had mentioned that maybe we could do an 'exchange' if Paul had to come to Charlotte. With such short notice, I didn't think we were giving Jon enough notice to come down from Virginia. Paul immediately called Jon and asked if he would be able to meet him there. Thanks be to God, he was going to be able to do it.

Paul's excitement level jumped and he was happy as a lark. His headache 'miraculously' lessoned and when he got home he went straight to his laundry basket and started to sort out the clothes so he could get his clothes washed and ready to pack. I took note of this immediate change in him and decided we might need to talk to the doctor about the fact that there is probably some psychological contributions to the headaches. Paul spent most of yesterday afternoon getting his things packed. He even wrote out a list of the things he needed to take and he made a listing of the things that Abby needed as well. You didn't think he was going to leave Abby home did you?? He kicked into high gear and was ready to go by 9:30 last night. We were at Jerry's and talked a lot about how far Paul has come and that we hoped there was no major problem that was bringing his headaches back. We hoped too that they would not keep him and run tests. That would keep him from going to Virginia.

So back to my song. I realized that in the Fall of 2005, Jon and I talked about what we would do with our lives once Michael graduated. He would be gone in a year and 1/2 and we could not believe our house would be empty so soon. Then the accident happened and our dreams of moving into the next phase of our lives came to a halt. We didn't even talk about it again until the Spring of 2006. We had no idea if Paul would ever talk again, or be able to really function much. He was still on the feeding tube, not talking, not remembering much of each day. I remember telling Jon that I had selfishly prayed to God in the weeks after the accident, to not leave us just a 'body'. I was very afraid about Paul dying and also of Paul not ever being able to function in a 'purposeful' fashion. How grateful I am that God didn't listen to me and that Paul is still alive. Amazingly, I actually found a peace about the fact that we could very well have to tend to Paul all of his life. I am not saying that because he has recovered so well. I truly felt it in my heart because so many things changed for us and they were all so good. We received the awesome gift of increased faith and a deepened love of God. Over all this time, we have settled into our routine of getting Paul moved ahead in his rehabilitation and each day brings the promise of hope and trust. Each day brings improvement in a number of ways.

But here is the incredible part. I walked to my car to go to work, tears running down my face as I watched Paul leaving. He was going to begin about a month long stay with Jon and Marie. Only 20 months and the very thing Jon and I dreamed about in the Fall of 2005 was actually happening on almost the very day it was originally supposed to happen. We will be empty nesters right on schedule. Michael leaves for Piedmont College on Sunday, James leaves for Ave Maria University on Tuesday and Jon and I will be..............alone.

"The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. " (2 Peter 3:9)

God's time, God's way. There is your 'visual aid' my dear friends.

I opened the door to my car and sat there crying at the marvelous, beautiful love of Our Father.

Last Saturday as we walked around Stone Mountain, we prayed the rosary in its entirety. All 20 decades. We went round and round the rosary beads while we circled Stone Mountain. There were five of us - Jon, Paul, Patty, Mark and me. We had each taken a decade to lead the others in prayer. At the 5th Sorrowful Mystery, it was Paul's turn. Patty suggested we stop and sit on a stone wall to pray that decade so we could really reflect on the mystery. The Crucifixtion of Jesus, the fruit of the mystery is perseverance. Paul was using the wrist rosary he has worn on his arm for over a year now. But as we sat down, he pulled out the rosary that Mother Angelica had given him and I immediately noticed how beautiful his fingers looked as he gently removed the beads from the case they were in. I then remembered how I used to love watching his fingers as he played the cello and his guitar. I also remembered how sad it made me when I realized he was not as interested in playing like he used to. I have 'talked' to God about that alot, wondering why Paul had the most amazing ability to play the guitar, yet no longer seemed interested. Why have such a talent? As I watched his fingers gently hold and move the beads as he prayed, I thought to myself that I would much rather see Paul's fingers moving over the rosary beads than over the strings of a guitar. I was at peace about something I had argued with God about.

May God be with you and bless you. Your intentions are with us as we 'circle around' our rosaries.
Love,
Jon and Rebecca

Pictures promised from prior postings....

2007-07-30T21:36:00.000-04:00

Paul and his good buddy Elvis......
hanging out in Nashville the day after the jazz concert.

This was taken before the concert started. It
was outside of the Nashville Symphony Hall.

Back at the hotel in Nashville. Paul had a really
terrific time and they had great seats. The level of
sound was not a problem for Paul, which has been an
area of improvement!

Paul had a lot of fun playing the guitar for James.
James is a lot like Paul in that he has a great ear and
plays the saxophone and the piano. He listens to
music often and really shows great talent. Like Paul, he
can stay focused on music for hours, whether he
is listening or playing.

Paul was playing his guitar for Jerry, Judy and me
one night and was really going to town. He was singing
also and we all had a really great time. Emma was
standing guard while Abby was on a break!

Paul received 2 postcards from Emily and Claire.
Jerry took this picture because Paul was enjoying
them so much. Paul has such a tender heart about
young kids and they love him so unconditionally.
What a blessing they are to him.

Paul and James playing scrabble.........wonder who won?

Paul wins just about every game, which is
why he always volunteers to keep score.